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Old 06-18-2011, 11:42 PM View Post #1 (Link) Wanted
Prodigii (Offline)
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Scene 1
Setting: The stage has a door in the back with a mail slot in it, a small fish tank, and a beat up couch (some other, unimportant things can be added, but they can’t be expensive.), set up any way that is wanted.
Lights up

A girl (Dejah) wearing a long sleeve shirt, heavy makeup on her face, long pants, and any sort of shoes enters through the door accompanied by a girl (Amethyst) wearing a T-shirt and shorts along with sneakers.

Amethyst: (While kicking off shoes.) I’m telling you, Dejah, there’s something freaky about you.

Dejah: (walks over to the fish tank and looks inside, or feeds the fish.) I still don’t know what you’re talking about, Amethyst.

Amethyst: (finishes taking off shoes and jumps onto the couch lazily with her feet up on the side.) Like just today, that guy was about to fall off of the ladder and you were right there as if you knew he would fall off.

Dejah: It was just a coincidence.

Amethyst: I’m serious! You always seem to know when things are going to happen!

Dejah: (Walks over to the back of the couch and leans over it.) That’s dumb (she flicks Amethyst on the nose who tries to hit Dejah back but she jumps out of the way, smiling.)
Before Amethyst can say anything back a pile of mail is put through the mail slot and Dejah goes over to it, picking it up and going through the mail, throwing some away and examining others, but not opening any.

Amethyst: I bet you’re psychic! I bet that’s how you’re so good at you’re college classes!

Dejah: It’s called studying. (Amethyst moans.) Oh hey I won the lottery!

Amethyst: (sitting up, excited.) Really?

Dejah: How should I know, it’s in Japanese. (Amethyst lies back down.) But here’s my royalty for the month.

Amethyst: For that book you wrote a while ago?

Dejah: Yeah. It’s not much, but it was fun to write anyway. (She opens the letter and takes out a check, suddenly getting shocked) No way! No way! This is impossible!

Amethyst: (Sitting up again.) What is it?

Dejah: Look at this! (Amethyst walks over and they both look at the check, both becoming shocked.) How can this be possible?

Amethyst: I have no idea! It must be a misprint. (She takes the check out of Dejah’s hand) I’ll go take this back…. Bye! (Tries to hurry out the door but Dejah takes the check from her)
Dejah: Nope. That’s mine. With this money I can buy a huge house! I’m set!
Amethyst: Is there room for your childhood friend and roommate?

Dejah: (sarcastically) Of course not! It’s not like you’ve been with me my whole life. (serious) Of course you’re coming!

Amethyst: It must have been that guy on T.V.

Dejah: Guy? What guy?

Amethyst: You know, he’s supposed to be really famous and everything? I can’t remember his name. You know how I am with names.

Dejah: What does “that guy” have to do with me?

Amethyst: He was filmed reading your book and when he was on Oprah he was asked about it. He said he really liked it!

Dejah: Well thank you “that guy”!

The girls do some more excited jumping and celebration before they both go out the door, Amethyst forgetting her shoes. Amethyst reopens the door and reaches for her shoes before shaking her head and waving it as if she doesn’t need it.

Amethyst: What do I need those shoes for now? I’m rich! (She closes the door)
Lights fade out
_______________________________________________________________________
It's just the sort of the intro so it's not very good. I'll do more later.
  
						Last edited by Prodigii; 06-19-2011 at 05:17 AM.
Old 06-19-2011, 05:17 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Nevermore (Offline)
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Unusual Disclaimer: The opinions presented in this critique are based on my opinions, which in turn are based on the information I've gathered over my reading years. Take what you will, and with a grain of salt.

Heres another review...hope it's helpful

Critique...AWAY!



Scene 1
Setting: The stage has a door in the back with a mail slot in it, a small fish tank, and a beat up couch (some other, unimportant things can be added, but they cant be expensive.), set up any way that is wanted.
Lights up

A girl (Dejah) wearing a long sleeve shirt, heavy makeup on her face, long pants, and any sort of shoes enters through the door accompanied by a girl (Amethyst) wearing a T-shirt and shorts along with sneakers.

Amethyst: (While kicking off shoes.) Im telling you, Dejah, theres something freaky about you.

Dejah: (walks over to the fish tank and looks inside, or feeds the fish.) I still dont know what youre talking about, Amethyst Mentioning her name at the end seems somewhat...stiff. Formal. Like when you're intentionally trying to bring the silent bystander into the conversation. The two featured characters in this scene seem rather close, so it follows that the addition of 'amethyst' at the end would seem unnecessary..

Amethyst: (finishes taking off shoes and jumps onto the couch lazily with her feet up on the side.) Like just today, that guy was about to fall off of the ladder and you were right there as if you knew he would fall off. this sentence seems a bit clunky somehow. I think its the 'and' connecting the two main ideas in the sentence that makes it seem a bit unwieldy for casual conversation, especially between best friends. It could just be me, but maybe theres a way to reword it?

Dejah: It was just a coincidence.

Amethyst: Im serious! You always seem to know when things are going to happen!

Dejah: (Walks over to the back of the couch and leans over it.) Thats dumb (she flicks Amethyst on the nose who tries to hit Dejah back but she jumps out of the way, smiling.)
Before Amethyst can say anything back a pile of mail is put through the mail slot and Dejah goes over to it, picking it up and going through the mail, throwing some away and examining others, but not stopping. Here, there's a little bit of confusion between what is stage direction and what is dialogue. Dejah saying 'thats dumb' is presented in exactly the same format as the following stage direction piece about the mail. Maybe find a way to more efficiently organize your information? I know you probably understand it perfectly...When someone writes their own script, it usually makes total sense to them. But keep in mind the less fortunate who might be stumbled by this.

Amethyst: I bet youre psychic! I bet thats how youre so good at youre college classes! I bet in two sentences side by side...It could work if the lines were delivered properly, but otherwise it seems a bit repetitive.

Dejah: Its called studying. (Amethyst moans.) Oh hey, I won the lottery!

Amethyst: (sitting up, excited.) Really?

Dejah: How should I know? Its in Japanese. (Amethyst lies back down.) But heres my royalty for the month.

Amethyst: For that book you wrote a while ago?

Dejah: Yeah. Its not much, but it was fun to write anyway. What was fun to write? Yes, I know that most people are more intelligent than your average doorknob, and that most, like yourself and I, would know exactly what your talking about. But still, for some this sentence could provide confusion. The 'It's' seems like it could refer to both the book and the money...and you don't write money normally, do you? (She opens the letter and takes out a check, suddenly getting No need for the 'getting'. Just say suddenly shocked. shocked) No way! No way! This is impossible!

Amethyst: (Sitting up again.) What is it?

Dejah: Look at this! (Amethyst walks over and they both look at the check, both becoming shocked.) How can this be possible?

Amethyst: I have no idea! It must be a misprint. (She takes the check out of Dejahs hand) Ill go take this back. Bye! (Tries to hurry out the door but Dejah takes the check from her)
Dejah: Nope. Thats mine. With this money I can buy a huge house! Im set!
Amethyst: Is there room for your childhood friend and roommate?

Dejah: (sarcastically) Of course not! Its not like youve been with me my whole life. (serious) Of course youre coming!

Amethyst: It must have been that guy on T.V.

Dejah: Guy? What guy?

Amethyst: You know, hes supposed to be really famous and everything? I cant remember his name. You know how I am with names.

Dejah: What does that guy have to do with me?

Amethyst: He was filmed reading your book Here, either put a comma or make it into two separate sentences. Pacing is important, and proper punctuation is one of the greatest guides towards that. and when he was on Oprah he was asked about it. He said he really liked it! Possibly, the 'He was filmed reading your book' could be its own sentence, maybe adding something like, 'remember?' to make it fit better. Then the following two selections could be combined to create a new sentence, coming out to this;

Amethyst: He was filmed reading your book, remember? When he was asked about it on Oprah, he said he really liked it!


Dejah: Well thank you that guy!

The girls do some more excited jumping and celebration before they both go out the door, Amethyst forgetting her shoes. Amethyst reopens the door and reaches for her shoes before shaking her head and waving it as if she doesnt need it.

Amethyst: What do I need those shoes for now? Im rich! (She closes the door)
Lights fade out



Okay, main points I'd like to make;

Overall, its good. The dialogue is fairly comfortable, and sets the stage for an interesting story. Watch out for structural issues in your dialogue though; it would help to maybe read through each line yourself a few times, perhaps with different tonality each time to see how well the lines work.

Also, be careful to make the distinction between dialogue and stage direction very, very clear in order to avoid confusion. Find a system that sets each type of information apart in and organized manner if you can.

Overall, I liked it. Fairly well written, with just a few technical issues. I'd give it an 8.5/10
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Old 04-07-2012, 07:12 PM View Post #3 (Link)
ryerye17 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Prodigii View Post
Scene 1
Setting: The stage has a door in the back with a mail slot in it, a small fish tank, and a beat up couch (some other, unimportant things can be added, but they can’t be expensive.), set up any way that is wanted.
Lights up

A girl (Dejah) wearing a long sleeve shirt, heavy makeup on her face, long pants, and any sort of shoes enters through the door accompanied by a girl (Amethyst) wearing a T-shirt and shorts along with sneakers.

Amethyst: (While kicking off shoes.) I’m telling you, Dejah, there’s something freaky about you.

First lines are incredibly important. Putting the name of the characters at the very first line is a way of cheating it with the audience. "I'm telling you, Dejah, oh, by the way the character I'm talking to is named Dejah". On a different note, it "tells" rather than "shows" -- can that "freakiness" be translated rather than mentioned so the audience would be the one to decide it's "freaky"

Dejah: (walks over to the fish tank and looks inside, or feeds the fish.) I still don’t know what you’re talking about, Amethyst.

Amethyst: (finishes taking off shoes and jumps onto the couch lazily with her feet up on the side.) Like just today, that guy was about to fall off of the ladder and you were right there as if you knew he would fall off.

Dejah: It was just a coincidence.

Amethyst: I’m serious! You always seem to know when things are going to happen!

Dejah: (Walks over to the back of the couch and leans over it.) That’s dumb (she flicks Amethyst on the nose who tries to hit Dejah back but she jumps out of the way, smiling.)
Before Amethyst can say anything back a pile of mail is put through the mail slot and Dejah goes over to it, picking it up and going through the mail, throwing some away and examining others, but not opening any.

Give this more conflict. It seems as if you're so fascinated with the concept of psychichs that it becomes one character telling another the story.

Amethyst: I bet you’re psychic! I bet that’s how you’re so good at you’re college classes!

Dejah: It’s called studying. (Amethyst moans.) Oh hey I won the lottery!

Amethyst: (sitting up, excited.) Really?

Dejah: How should I know, it’s in Japanese. (Amethyst lies back down.) But here’s my royalty for the month.

Amethyst: For that book you wrote a while ago?

Dejah: Yeah. It’s not much, but it was fun to write anyway. (She opens the letter and takes out a check, suddenly getting shocked) No way! No way! This is impossible!

Amethyst: (Sitting up again.) What is it?

Dejah: Look at this! (Amethyst walks over and they both look at the check, both becoming shocked.) How can this be possible?

Amethyst: I have no idea! It must be a misprint. (She takes the check out of Dejah’s hand) I’ll go take this back…. Bye! (Tries to hurry out the door but Dejah takes the check from her)
Dejah: Nope. That’s mine. With this money I can buy a huge house! I’m set!
Amethyst: Is there room for your childhood friend and roommate?

Dejah: (sarcastically) Of course not! It’s not like you’ve been with me my whole life. (serious) Of course you’re coming!

Amethyst: It must have been that guy on T.V.

Dejah: Guy? What guy?

Amethyst: You know, he’s supposed to be really famous and everything? I can’t remember his name. You know how I am with names.

Dejah: What does “that guy” have to do with me?

Amethyst: He was filmed reading your book and when he was on Oprah he was asked about it. He said he really liked it!

Dejah: Well thank you “that guy”!

The girls do some more excited jumping and celebration before they both go out the door, Amethyst forgetting her shoes. Amethyst reopens the door and reaches for her shoes before shaking her head and waving it as if she doesn’t need it.

Amethyst: What do I need those shoes for now? I’m rich! (She closes the door)
Lights fade out
_______________________________________________________________________
It's just the sort of the intro so it's not very good. I'll do more later.


There's too much going on; at the beginning of a play, always know what to give out and what to hold back for later. The characters seem to be functioning to serve a certain "gimmick" rather than two actual people in conflict. Within the first few minutes, I'd love to know more about your characters.
 
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