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Old 12-05-2010, 01:07 PM View Post #1 (Link) My First Story: ShadowSeekers
MetallicGryffon (Offline)
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Heres is a story I will keep updating for, I hope, a
long time. Please comment, good or bad. Enjoy!!

Chapter 1:
Shun grogilly wakes up for another day to drag by.

"Shun, get your butt up!!!", his mom yells.

"I am....", he mumbles. He walks downstairs,
remembering the wierdest dream "I don't get why I
was being chased by a blurry figure", he sleepily
mumbles.

"Figure? What?", she eyes him suspiciously.

"Nothing.", his reply with no emotion.
After eating breakfast he hurries out the door, only
to remember forgetting his pens. On the way to his
room he overhears a conversation.

"John, Shun had the vision, and I'm worried he might become a.....", hearing no more, because the room door closed in all sound. Pressing his ear against the door, he was able to squeeze of the last few bits. ".....like his uncle was."
Thinking nothing of it he grabs his pens and heads to school.
Along the way to school, he keeps thinking of that cut-off sentence...."I'm worried he might become a.....", something about it gave him a wierd feeling. He also couldn't help but having the feeling somthing was following him, so he ran the rest of
the way to school.
In school that statement still irked him and he
excused himself to the bathroom. Rinsing his face
when he looked up, he thought he saw a figure in
the mirror, causing him to look in the stalls, only to see a mouse. Walking away he hears a voice
"Hello Shun, so we finally meet.......", only to see the mouse, staring at him, but Shun still looking forward,says

"I am going crazy, talking rats, ha!", he laughs

"You fool! I am the much cleaner mouse and this is not my true form," squeaks the rat "if you want to see my true form, come behing the parking lot outside at exactly 5:00, to learn what those dreams were about and your parents conversation!!!"

"Wait, how do you know....", saying no more beacause the mouse was gone.

"Strange", he mumbles as he walks back into class, being scolded for being in the bathroom for too long.
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"Der iz uh reezin peeple get paid tu seeng, and yuu don't, so get awf mah lauwn, yuh stoopid caruhlers?-My Hill Billy Side
--------------Stories

ShadowSeekers: www.youngwritersonline.net/showthread.php?t=6089

Tales of a Magical Elf- Coming Soon
  
						Last edited by MetallicGryffon; 12-05-2010 at 06:40 PM.
					
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Old 12-06-2010, 12:26 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Optional Toaster (Offline)
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Originally Posted by MetallicGryffon View Post
Heres is a story I will keep updating for, I hope, a
long time. Please comment, good or bad. Enjoy!! Like I told you already, the formatting looks kinda funny, so I'm just going to rearrange it a little...if I can figure out how.

Chapter 1:

Shun grogilly groggily* wakes up for another day to drag by. This isn't the most interesting opening. It sounds somewhat clichéd, IRL and in stories.

"Shun, get your butt up!!!" There's such a thing as an exclamation point rule. I think. The dialogue is also worded oddly. no comma his mom yells.

"I am....", he mumbles. There's some problems with this. Ellipses are three periods, not four, and about the comma, it should either replace the ellipse or not be there at all. He walks downstairs,
remembering the weirdest dream. "I don't get why I
was being chased by a blurry figure," he sleepily
mumbles. So, this paragraph is pretty awkward to me. Instead of basically saying "I wonder" aloud, do you think all that should just be in his head? Or, since he's still mostly asleep, he could mumble just a few words that pertained to his dream, but he doesn't actually form adequate sentences, y'know?

"Figure? What?" no comma She eyes him suspiciously. A couple things here. You have to introduce SHE. Although it's presumable that this is Shun's mom, she was mentioned a few paragraphs earlier, and so there's no re-introduction, so to speak. There's also no description in this yet. You could describe how Shun looks in the morning, what his mom's facial expression is when she hears her son mumbling to himself, etc. This is probably just me, too, but I think a spatula or spoon or some other cooking utensil would be a nice touch. ; Anyway, just describe more of the surroundings and give a visual of the characters.

"Nothing.", This is really confusing me. I'll put in a link that explains all the punctuation for dialogue later. his reply with no emotion. This makes no sense whatsoever. If you want the "nothing" to be followed by something like this, you should probably reword it. Maybe "he replied without emotion" (poor example), or if you want "nothing" to be its own sentence, then you could write "His reply held no emotion" (another poor example).
After eating breakfast comma he hurries out the door, only
to remember forgetting his pens. On the way to his
room comma he overhears a conversation.

"John, Shun had the vision, and I'm worried he might become a.....", hearing no more, because the room door closed in all sound. Pressing his ear against the door, he was able to squeeze of the last few bits. ".....like his uncle was."
Thinking nothing of it he grabs his pens and heads to school.
Along the way to school, he keeps thinking of that cut-off sentence...."I'm worried he might become a.....", something about it gave him a wierd feeling. He also couldn't help but having the feeling somthing was following him, so he ran the rest of
the way to school.
In school that statement still irked him and he
excused himself to the bathroom. Rinsing his face
when he looked up, he thought he saw a figure in
the mirror, causing him to look in the stalls, only to see a mouse. Walking away he hears a voice
"Hello Shun, so we finally meet.......", only to see the mouse, staring at him, but Shun still looking forward,says

"I am going crazy, talking rats, ha!", he laughs

"You fool! I am the much cleaner mouse and this is not my true form," squeaks the rat "if you want to see my true form, come behing the parking lot outside at exactly 5:00, to learn what those dreams were about and your parents conversation!!!"

"Wait, how do you know....", saying no more beacause the mouse was gone.

"Strange", he mumbles as he walks back into class, being scolded for being in the bathroom for too long.
Alright, I'm going to just stop where I did. So, the big problem that I saw right from the beginning was that all that was going on was really unclear. Although you know what's going on (since you are the writer), no one else does, and you have to be the one to explain it for them. Show, don't tell. Unfortunately, I felt there was much more telling than there was showing.

I realize that Shun had a dream, although, apparently it was a vision, but it's moving too fast. You need to slow down and take time to characterize Shun. The readers no nothing besides his name and that he had a dream for the first paragraphs. They need an idea of the kind of person he is and what he looks like. Describe his room. Describe how he looks in the morning. Generally, bedhead descriptions are entertaining.

Another thing to include that could foreshadow what his dream is about is whether or not he's had it before. I keep having dreams about cannibals coming to eat me and I continuously imagine them right around the corner. Dreams can have a big impact on someone, mostly affective if what they dreamt of made a difference in his or her life. You could include some of Shun's thoughts on what it was he thought of it. Obviously, he was confused, but I wasn't really feeling it.

I did think that when you wrote about how much his mom's words bothered Shun while he was in school was good, but even there, it feels like there's a lot missing.

Okay, enough with the plot aspect of it.

Three key things you need to look at are the following:

Commas
http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/commas.asp
There were more places where they were missing over where they weren't necessary. Just take a look at the link to help you get a better look at where they should be and should not be placed.

Punctuating Dialogue
http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/w...unctuation.htm
http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/dialogue.shtml
I didn't get to look through these links completely, but I think they'll be able to help you. These address the weird punctuation around your dialogue, like: he said.,

Ellipses
http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipses.asp
There were way too many periods when I think you were trying to use ellipses. So, yeah, just take a look at that.

I think that's all I have to say for now. Oh, and about when you want to post the next chapter, whenever you feel necessary. You might want to wait to get more feedback on chapter one so you can go ahead and change stuff in chapter two to make sure it all comes together nicely before posting it.

Alright, I'm done now.
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Old 12-10-2010, 02:32 AM View Post #3 (Link)
dragonheart (Offline)
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Originally Posted by MetallicGryffon View Post
Heres is a story I will keep updating for, I hope, a
long time. Please comment, good or bad. Enjoy!!

Chapter 1:
Shun grogilly wakes up for another day to drag by.

"Shun, get your butt up!!!", his mom yells. This is his mom right? I've notest that many people show child-parent relationships as just yelling and fights. Show some love and affection instead.

"I am....", he mumbles. He walks downstairs,
remembering the wierdest dream "I don't get why I
was being chased by a blurry figure", he sleepily
mumbles.

"Figure? What?", she eyes him suspiciously.

"Nothing.", his reply with no emotion.
After eating breakfast he hurries out the door, only
to remember forgetting his pens. On the way to his
room he overhears a conversation.

"John, Shun had the vision, and I'm worried he might become a.....", hearing no more, because the room door closed in all sound. Pressing his ear against the door, he was able to squeeze of the last few bits. ".....like his uncle was."
Thinking nothing of it he grabs his pens and heads to school.
Along the way to school, he keeps thinking of that cut-off sentence...."I'm worried he might become a.....", something about it gave him a wierd feeling. He also couldn't help but having the feeling somthing was following him, so he ran the rest of
the way to school.
In school that statement still irked him and he
excused himself to the bathroom. Rinsing his face
when he looked up, he thought he saw a figure in
the mirror, causing him to look in the stalls, only to see a mouse. Walking away he hears a voice
"Hello Shun, so we finally meet.......", only to see the mouse, staring at him, but Shun still looking forward,says

"I am going crazy, talking rats, ha!", he laughs

"You fool! I am the much cleaner mouse and this is not my true form," squeaks the rat "if you want to see my true form, come behing the parking lot outside at exactly 5:00, to learn what those dreams were about and your parents conversation!!!" Using multiple exclamation points sounds rather unexpirienced, in fact I would leave it as a period.

"Wait, how do you know....", saying no more beacause the mouse was gone.

"Strange", he mumbles as he walks back into class, being scolded for being in the bathroom for too long.
Interesting story but you show the mother in a very agressive and braty light which I find rather offensive; our parents love and help us, they are not our enemies. It seems too rushed, try slowing down more and explain stuff.
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