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Old 10-13-2010, 12:00 PM View Post #1 (Link) Come dine with me
Breaca (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Devon
Posts: 13
Points: 4
Times Thanked: 2
Right, i guess i better explaini this! I was asked to do a spoof of a tv thing with a religeous twist for my church, with a congregation that includes kids, so choose come dine with me to spoof, and the story of the manna and quails from God to use with it. I have also made it more of a TV script, as it was a TV program and so is easier, plz can you tell me how good it is? It needs major re doing i think.
I also used examples of other spoofs, and so i feel that it is not origional as it could be - plz help!

____________________________

NARRATOR - (the four people stand around talking in a semicircle, surrounded by tables filled with food, The guys are holding golden goblets, and the women wineglasses, the camera zooms in slightly closer as the narration goes on) 4 Egyptians,
(The camera turn to someone cutting some meat on a wooden plate, on the edges of the shot there are some grapes) 4 banquets,
(Someone puts some herbs on the meat, the camera follows the hand movements) and 1,000 goats up for grab.
(Go to title shot, perhaps an Egyptian painting to do with food, whilst the narration goes on the words Ancient Come Dine with Me appear) Yes, itís Ancient Come Dine with Me,
(go back to a closer shot of the four people talking momentarily, then zoom in on Mosesís face) and tonight itís the turn of ex-Egyptian and visionary leader Moses to cook for his guests.
(Two seconds camera moving shot over a table of food, and then narration starts over the top)But the prophetís reputation seems to
(Camera goes to Isis travelling on a litter to the banquet, narration continues seamlessly, zoom past the slaves and up to where Isis is travelling, she should jolt to the movements slightly.) have preceded him, as some of his guests seem nervous before they even arrive.

ISIS - (Stay on Isisís face as she speaks) Yeah, Iím a bit scared to be honest, um, I mean apparently Moses is, like, starving out in the desert. He did leave Egypt years ago with the Israelites, and, I mean, thereís no food in the desert, so, like, what are we going to eat? Um, yeah.

NARRATOR - (Three second interlude, whilst Isis makes a worried face, then looks away from the camera nervously) So how is the hungry prophet planning to
(on Ďimpressí go to a shot of Mosesís hands digging through an empty sack, looking for food, stay there for a second, then lift to his face, Moses should be in a poor kitchen, eg fire, cooking utensils, perhaps two women being busy behind him) impress his guests tonight?

MOSES - (stay on Mosesís face as he talks, because this is little movement, he will also have to make facial expressions to make it interesting) Well tonight I thought I would make something fairly easy. Itís easy Ďcause we have no food. (Widen the shot to include the women also looking for food behind him) So instead, I and the (switch to one of the women, who is desperately looking for food momentarily, then go back to Moses face only) Israelites are to pray to God, and he will give us guidance. (Widen shot to include women and Moses) But whatever happens, I have total trust that the Lord will provide a feast fit for our guests. After all, he is the creator of the World, and he has helped me in all my tricky situations. (Camera stays on the situation for around 5 seconds, women continued to search, Moses begins to pray)

NARRATOR - (Camera switches to Isis who is entering the tents, she should look around, there should be open ended tents, so the camera can see cushions etc inside, maybe a goat tied up in the corner, she should take one long behind and then in front, narration should start instantly) Isis is the first to arrive, and thereís a shock in store.

ISIS - (two second interlude then Isis Screams and points to a fire) They are cooking the feast in fires burning on dung! (Brief one second view of the offending fire)

MOSES - (Camera goes to Isis, Moses jumps in instantly next to her) Oh, donít worry about that! Itís just the fuel we use, as there is no wood out here in the desert.

ISIS - (Isis should still be looking suitably horrified, camera just on her) Ewww

MOSES - (Moses crouches next to the fire and pints out the pudding, Camera on him) Honestly, donít worry, thatís your pudding cooking in there (Once again goes to Isis, who watchs, digusted) and it is going to be sooo amazing, (Moses stands up, Camera just on him) you will not believe your taste buds! (Two second pause whilst we look at Isisís disgusted face once again to hammer the point home)

NARRATOR - (Camera goes to the kitchen, poultry is put down in front of the camera, and the wooden plate is spun, then camera whizzes over the empty table, Narration throughout) Moses goes to check on the food,
(Camera goes to the tree guests, just outside a closed tent, you cannot see inside the tent when the door is open, camera stays there throughout this Ďsceneí) whilst his guests go to have a snoop around the tents.

RA - (two second interlude while they point things out and giggle and whisper) I wonder whatís in here?

ISIS - Oh, no no no, donít go donít go

Cleo - Oh come on.
(Ra and Cleo go in; Iris just looks shocked and horrified as she hears the yells)
Ahhhhhh!

Ra - Oh help! Help! Thereís rattlesnakeís in here! Help!

MOSES - (Camera switches to Moses who is listening in the kitchen, screams can be heard in the distance) Oh no, I forgot to warn them of the rattlesnakes! They keep hiding in the tents to stay out of the sun!

NARRATOR - (Twi second interval, lok at the quail again, then move onto looking at Ra, who is sitting down, drinking, on his face there are snake bites, he looks shocked and shaken, Cleo is not there) The guests who survived the rattlesnakes go and join their host for dinner.

MOSES - (camara goes to a Ďtableí shot, showing all of the guests and food in front of them, guests should look apprehensive when they first taste the food, there is two seconds before moses speaks) Tuck in!

RA - (at least three seconds whilst Ra picks up the courage to try something, face shot Ra while he does, he tatses the food) Mmmmm
(face shot of Isis quickly, she finds the food just as nice, hears Raís voice over the top) This is really quite amazing! A miracle in cuisine!

MOSES - (Go to Moses, face shot) Thatís because it is a miracle!
(Face shot Ra, looking stunned / confused) The Lord sent down Manna and quails to feed us when we prayed, (Face shot Moses) and so now we are not going to die of hunger anymore! Mmmmm, and it really is delicious too, no one knows us better than the Lord God! Go on, eat as much as you like!
(face shot Ra whilst he eats, three secs, go back to Moses who is watching happily for two secs, he then looks at Isis, face shot Isis 2 secs)

NARRATOR -(go back to title page, same deal as before, two secs then narration, on Ďscoresí the word results appear below the title) Time for some scores.

ISIS -(one second on title, then switch to face shot Isis, she should be stting in a tent where it is wuite dark, she starts talking instantly) Well I had to travel days to get here, my, uh, food was cooked on dung. And I was attacked by rattlesnakes.
(Shows egytian sign for two on tea stained paper)So I am going to give him a two out of ten. Or at least I was until I tasted this amazing food that his God gave us, and so now I am going to make that a
(shows egyptian sign for ten) ten out of ten.

MOSES _ (Moses comes on, Camera shot widens to show both of them) Yes! I won! Those goats are really going to help. Oh, and I um, got you a doggy bag, so you can take some home if you would like. After all, we should not waste a gift from God.

ISIS - Oh, thank you!

MOSES - Yeah, unfortunately we have run out of water though, so you may die of thirst on the way back. But just remember God will answer your prayers! So, stay in touch, yeah?

ISIS - (Moses goes off, fives secs of her looking less than pleased) Great.
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Old 11-10-2010, 12:11 PM View Post #2 (Link) Critique. :)
snow_yuki (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
snow_yuki's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: I currently work at the Fields of Asphodel with Daedalus X)
Posts: 78
Points: 18.94
Times Thanked: 2
Originally Posted by Breaca View Post
Spoiler:
Right, i guess i better explaini this! I was asked to do a spoof of a tv thing with a religeous twist for my church, with a congregation that includes kids, so choose come dine with me to spoof, and the story of the manna and quails from God to use with it. I have also made it more of a TV script, as it was a TV program and so is easier, plz can you tell me how good it is? It needs major re doing i think.
I also used examples of other spoofs, and so i feel that it is not origional as it could be - plz help!

____________________________

NARRATOR - (the four people stand around talking in a semicircle, surrounded by tables filled with food, The guys are holding golden goblets, and the women wineglasses, the camera zooms in slightly closer as the narration goes on) 4 Egyptians,
(The camera turn to someone cutting some meat on a wooden plate, on the edges of the shot there are some grapes) 4 banquets,
(Someone puts some herbs on the meat, the camera follows the hand movements) and 1,000 goats up for grab.
(Go to title shot, perhaps an Egyptian painting to do with food, whilst the narration goes on the words Ancient Come Dine with Me appear) Yes, it’s Ancient Come Dine with Me,
(go back to a closer shot of the four people talking momentarily, then zoom in on Moses’s face) and tonight it’s the turn of ex-Egyptian and visionary leader Moses to cook for his guests.
(Two seconds camera moving shot over a table of food, and then narration starts over the top)But the prophet’s reputation seems to
(Camera goes to Isis travelling on a litter to the banquet, narration continues seamlessly, zoom past the slaves and up to where Isis is travelling, she should jolt to the movements slightly.) have preceded him, as some of his guests seem nervous before they even arrive.

ISIS - (Stay on Isis’s face as she speaks) Yeah, I’m a bit scared to be honest, um, I mean apparently Moses is, like, starving out in the desert. He did leave Egypt years ago with the Israelites, and, I mean, there’s no food in the desert, so, like, what are we going to eat? Um, yeah.

NARRATOR - (Three second interlude, whilst Isis makes a worried face, then looks away from the camera nervously) So how is the hungry prophet planning to
(on ‘impress’ go to a shot of Moses’s hands digging through an empty sack, looking for food, stay there for a second, then lift to his face, Moses should be in a poor kitchen, eg fire, cooking utensils, perhaps two women being busy behind him) impress his guests tonight?

MOSES - (stay on Moses’s face as he talks, because this is little movement, he will also have to make facial expressions to make it interesting) Well tonight I thought I would make something fairly easy. It’s easy ‘cause we have no food. (Widen the shot to include the women also looking for food behind him) So instead, I and the (switch to one of the women, who is desperately looking for food momentarily, then go back to Moses face only) Israelites are to pray to God, and he will give us guidance. (Widen shot to include women and Moses) But whatever happens, I have total trust that the Lord will provide a feast fit for our guests. After all, he is the creator of the World, and he has helped me in all my tricky situations. (Camera stays on the situation for around 5 seconds, women continued to search, Moses begins to pray)

NARRATOR - (Camera switches to Isis who is entering the tents, she should look around, there should be open ended tents, so the camera can see cushions etc inside, maybe a goat tied up in the corner, she should take one long behind and then in front, narration should start instantly) Isis is the first to arrive, and there’s a shock in store.

ISIS - (two second interlude then Isis Screams and points to a fire) They are cooking the feast in fires burning on dung! (Brief one second view of the offending fire)

MOSES - (Camera goes to Isis, Moses jumps in instantly next to her) Oh, don’t worry about that! It’s just the fuel we use, as there is no wood out here in the desert.

ISIS - (Isis should still be looking suitably horrified, camera just on her) Ewww

MOSES - (Moses crouches next to the fire and pints out the pudding, Camera on him) Honestly, don’t worry, that’s your pudding cooking in there (Once again goes to Isis, who watchs, digusted) and it is going to be sooo amazing, (Moses stands up, Camera just on him) you will not believe your taste buds! (Two second pause whilst we look at Isis’s disgusted face once again to hammer the point home)

NARRATOR - (Camera goes to the kitchen, poultry is put down in front of the camera, and the wooden plate is spun, then camera whizzes over the empty table, Narration throughout) Moses goes to check on the food,
(Camera goes to the tree guests, just outside a closed tent, you cannot see inside the tent when the door is open, camera stays there throughout this ‘scene’) whilst his guests go to have a snoop around the tents.

RA - (two second interlude while they point things out and giggle and whisper) I wonder what’s in here?

ISIS - Oh, no no no, don’t go don’t go

Cleo - Oh come on.
(Ra and Cleo go in; Iris just looks shocked and horrified as she hears the yells)
Ahhhhhh!

Ra - Oh help! Help! There’s rattlesnake’s in here! Help!

MOSES - (Camera switches to Moses who is listening in the kitchen, screams can be heard in the distance) Oh no, I forgot to warn them of the rattlesnakes! They keep hiding in the tents to stay out of the sun!

NARRATOR - (Twi second interval, lok at the quail again, then move onto looking at Ra, who is sitting down, drinking, on his face there are snake bites, he looks shocked and shaken, Cleo is not there) The guests who survived the rattlesnakes go and join their host for dinner.

MOSES - (camara goes to a ‘table’ shot, showing all of the guests and food in front of them, guests should look apprehensive when they first taste the food, there is two seconds before moses speaks) Tuck in!

RA - (at least three seconds whilst Ra picks up the courage to try something, face shot Ra while he does, he tatses the food) Mmmmm
(face shot of Isis quickly, she finds the food just as nice, hears Ra’s voice over the top) This is really quite amazing! A miracle in cuisine!

MOSES - (Go to Moses, face shot) That’s because it is a miracle!
(Face shot Ra, looking stunned / confused) The Lord sent down Manna and quails to feed us when we prayed, (Face shot Moses) and so now we are not going to die of hunger anymore! Mmmmm, and it really is delicious too, no one knows us better than the Lord God! Go on, eat as much as you like!
(face shot Ra whilst he eats, three secs, go back to Moses who is watching happily for two secs, he then looks at Isis, face shot Isis 2 secs)

NARRATOR -(go back to title page, same deal as before, two secs then narration, on ‘scores’ the word results appear below the title) Time for some scores.

ISIS -(one second on title, then switch to face shot Isis, she should be stting in a tent where it is wuite dark, she starts talking instantly) Well I had to travel days to get here, my, uh, food was cooked on dung. And I was attacked by rattlesnakes.
(Shows egytian sign for two on tea stained paper)So I am going to give him a two out of ten. Or at least I was until I tasted this amazing food that his God gave us, and so now I am going to make that a
(shows egyptian sign for ten) ten out of ten.

MOSES _ (Moses comes on, Camera shot widens to show both of them) Yes! I won! Those goats are really going to help. Oh, and I um, got you a doggy bag, so you can take some home if you would like. After all, we should not waste a gift from God.

ISIS - Oh, thank you!

MOSES - Yeah, unfortunately we have run out of water though, so you may die of thirst on the way back. But just remember God will answer your prayers! So, stay in touch, yeah?

ISIS - (Moses goes off, fives secs of her looking less than pleased) Great.
Spoiler:
NARRATOR - (the(The 'the' is unnecessary.) four people stand I think ‘are standing’ sounds better. around talking in a semicircle, surrounded by tables filled with food, The guys are holding golden goblets, and the women wineglasses, the camera zooms in slightly closer as the narration goes on) 4 Egyptians,
(The This should be written in small letter, unless you want to make a uniform stage direction to write it in sentences. But considering your first stage direction, you wrote it in phrase. Just stick to one concept. camera turns to someone cutting some meat on a wooden plate, on the edges of the shot there are some grapes) 4 banquets,
(Someone puts some herbs on the meat, the camera follows the hand movements By now it seems to me that you are going for the sentence direction, period here.) and 1,000 goats up for a grab.
(Go to title shot, perhaps an Egyptian painting to do with food, whilst the narration goes on , the words Ancient Come Dine with Me appear) Yes, it’s Ancient Come Dine with Me,
(go "Goes" back to a closer shot of the four people talking momentarily, then zooms in on Moses’s face.) and tonight it’s the turn of the ex-Egyptian and visionary leader Moses to cook for his guests. (Two seconds camera moving shot over a table of food, and then narration starts over the top Seems vague, consider rephrasing it. )But the prophet’s reputation seems to (Camera goes to Isis comma here traveling (traveling) on a litter to the banquet, It should be a period. narration continues seamlessly, zoom past the slaves and up to where Isis is travelling, she should jolt to the movements slightly.) have preceded him, as some of his guests seem nervous before they even arrive.
I think you should include the dialogue, or the narration thing rather than just putting it in the stage directions. Since this is a script, your narrator would like to know what he or she would say. Script writing is more about showing, not telling.


ISIS - (Stay I think it’s better if you say, “The camera stays” on Isis’s face as she speaks .) Yeah, I’m a bit scared , to be honest, um, I mean apparently Moses is, like, starving out in the desert. He did leave Egypt years ago with the Israelites, and, I mean, there’s no food in the desert, so, like, what are we going to eat? Um, yeah. There are too much comma here, and pauses. Overdoing it isn’t good.


NARRATOR - (Three second interlude, whilst Isis makes a worried face, then looks away from the camera nervously.) So how is the hungry prophet planning to (on Capitalize. ‘impress’, go to a shot of Sounds off to me. Better say, “the camera focuses to Moses’s hands digging through an empty sack, looking for food, stay stays there for a second, then lifts the shot to his face, Period is better here. Moses should be in a poor kitchen, eg fire, cooking utensils, perhaps two women being busy behind him Be precise in the description. Using ‘perhaps’ isn’t a good decision. If there are really women behind, indicate it. ) impress his guests tonight?

MOSES - (stay 'Stays' on Moses’s face as he talks, because this is little movement, he will also have to make facial expressions to make it interesting I think you’d rather express more of his expression on the tone of his dialogue. If he’d do facial expressions, it’s the actor’s job to decide what expression he’ll use. Just a hint, anyway. You can go on what you prefer.) Well tonight I thought I would make something fairly easy. It’s easy ‘cause we have no food. (Widens the shot to include the women also looking for food behind him.) So instead, I and the (switch Switches to one of the women, who is desperately looking for food momentarily, then go back ‘returns’ is better to Moses face only.) Israelites are to pray to God, and he will give us guidance. (Widen shot to include women and Moses You know what to do here.) But whatever happens, I have total trust that the Lord will provide a feast fit for our guests. After all, he is the creator of the World, and he has helped me in all my tricky situations. (Camera stays on the situation for around 5 seconds, women continued (present tense) to search, Moses begins to pray.)


Sorry for the short critique! I could only critique up to here since I'm doing some school research by the moment. I'll continue it by tomorrow perhaps. The dialogues are good, no problem with that. Just be meticulous on your capitalization, punctuation and of course, your stage directions. It's the most important thing in the script-- it should be clear and precise. Your script only needs a few improvement, but it's really good. Continue writing!

I hope my critique is alright. This is my first critique ever!
__________________
"With great power comes... great need to take a nap." - Nico di Angelo
[] []



Nico strode forward.
The enemy army fell back before him like he radiated death,
which of course he did.


His expression turned as dark as Tartarus, she didn't know why, but she got the idea: Drop it.

  
						Last edited by snow_yuki; 11-10-2010 at 02:23 PM.
					
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