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Old 12-06-2007, 04:01 PM View Post #1 (Link) Ninja Wars: The Land of Treachery and Treason
Zaphkiel (Offline)
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Chapter 1
Eirei Suwari, Captain of the Death-Squad!!!!
The youngest yet Deadliest Captain of Gunjukeiki Village!!







This is an Anime Screen Play I made Last Year. This story is a mix of a screen-play and a novel, an original style that I created!














It was a cloudy, dark, yet warm day in Gunjukeiki Village and the clock was just about to strike noon. Eirei Suwari, gracefully leaping rooftops for his afternoon exercise, was just about ready to go to the meeting that the village General had called him to. He was never called by the General before so he was a little excited to say the least. Alas, he continued to leap, his shoulder length, indigo hair flowing in the wind behind him; this being a rare sight to see in his village. However, that wasn’t the only thing strange about Eirei; his fashion sense could also be considered out of the norm when it came to being a ninja. He liked to wear Kimonos, and today he was wearing a long, dark blue one with red dragon embroidery around the shins, thighs, torso, back, and chest. Along with that he wore a blood red obi (sash) around his waist and Geta (wooden sandals) on his feet. He never wore socks with his Geta; it always felt weird to him. He was the only ninja in town who dressed so formally, even on missions.

The town seemed as dull as usual, the color of the buildings ranging from grey, white, teal, pale blue, and lavender to bluish-grey. Yet the villagers seemed as happy as usual, even though Gunjukeiki was in the midst of a war with the Teneiki Village. The war has lasted for about a year so far, but that was the only thing Eirei knew about it; he was hoping to find out more during this so-called meeting. He began to see the tall, grey tower where the meeting was supposedly held; its tall figure nearly touching the dark clouds. When he landed in front of the doors, he nearly made the two guards stationed there jump out of their skin. Most of the village soldiers and guards wore black and grey, form-fitting uniforms that only gave a visual of the wearer’s eyes, but these two weren’t wearing their masks. One’s name was Himoto, who was a tall figure with dark hair and eyes, and the other was Enko, who was just as tall and had red, long hair and green eyes, both were males in their twenties.

Eirei: Good after noon, Himoto-kun (Kun is used when referring to close male friends), Enko-kun. I hope I wasn’t called here under unworthy circumstances.

Himoto: Oh, Eirei-kun, it’s wonderful to see you also, and trust me, you were called here under good terms!!!!

Enko: You’re way too happy at this part of the day, and besides, why be so happy over something that was bound to happen sooner or later.

Himoto: Oh, just ignore him Eirei-kun; now, please follow me upstairs, everyone is waiting.

The two guards began to lead Eirei upstairs, bickering the entire time about things like, the difference between shrimp and crawfish. The argument was starting to wear down Eirei’s patience, but things like this ran in his family. Eirei was born into the Suwari-clan, who was known for the proficiency in the martial art known as Aikido. This art has no offensive moves; instead, it uses the enemy’s force against themselves.

Eirei mastered this art at the age of six, then went and studied Tessenjutsu, the art of fighting with Japanese war fans, which he mastered at age nine. For more skills, Eirei learned the art of Shurikenjutsu, the art of blade throwing, which he mastered at the age of eleven. After all these studies, he went and mastered other ninja arts until he was fourteen, the age he is now.

However, over that long period of time, he participated in A-class and S-class missions, which drastically helped in previous wars. He began to think that maybe he was being called in order to be congratulated for his work, but before he new it, he was in front of the huge double doors that led inside the council room. As they began to slide open, Himoto shoved him in and closed the door from behind with a smile. The room was very large and the floors and walls were made of shiny, mahogany wood and there were paintings of different types of scenery on the walls, such as spring, winter, war, fall, rivers, etc.

In the middle of the room were seven figures, he recognized them all as captains. Captains were the hearts of village’s military, and were extremely powerful. Each captain had a special element; even Eirei had one, which was wind. It took agonizing and brutal training in order to get one. However, two of the captains he knew very closely; one was his stoic, no-nonsense older brother who never really paid any attention to Eirei, whose name was Ottori. His dark indigo hair was longer then Eirei’s, but he had the same purple eyes; Ottori was a master at Sojutsu, the art of using the Japanese spear known as the Yari. The other captain was his best friend and long time rival, Seisen; who had a jolly personality and was always there to cheer Eirei up…even when he didn’t need or want it. Some could say that Seisen was just a very hyper blonde, which he was.

However Seisen was a highly skilled warrior who mastered Kenjutsu, the sword art. Seisen was known as the Daisho Warrior; this was because he used the katana and the wakizashi (side-arm sword) as one when fighting, and together the two were known as Daisho- Long and small. Seisen and Ottori were wearing there traditional captain uniforms, which were silver ninja outfits with a red sash that wrapped around the waist, as were the other captains.

Eirei noticed the other four captains, Rei, Gakko, Jibeta, and Inazu were also in the room along with the General, known as Tsuyo. Rei was the captain of the Archer-Squad; she had long black hair and crimson eyes that were as fiery as the depths of hell itself… just like her temper. Gakko was the captain of the villages Medical-Squad; his hair was as blue as the sea, which matched well with his emerald eyes…his personality was quite serene. Jibeta was the most muscular out of the captains, he controlled the Bomb-squad; his bald head shined like the moon and his pride was as big as his muscles. Inazu was the captain of the Espionage-Squad; his hair was as white as lightning but his mind was just as quick. Seisen, his best friend, was the captain of the Scout-Squad and Ottori, his older brother, of the Destruction-Squad. Last but most definitely not least was General Tsuyo, the overseer of Gunjukeiki’s entire army; his golden eyes and hair were his most distinguishing features and his wisdom was great. Seeing that all these great people were staring Eirei down made the bluenette feel a little uneasy; at this point he was hoping that they would say what the had to say so he could leave. Slowing getting to his knees, Eirei gave a respective bow to the high-ranking officers that stood before him, causing his indigo locks to fall to the sides of his face.

Eirei: Tsuyo-ue, (Ue donates a high level of respect to those above one’s self) to what do I owe this pleasant yet unexpected call? Is there some type of mission that you would like for me to complete?

General Tsuyo smiled at this; he was glad to see that the children these days hadn’t forgotten their manners, even those with as much skill as Eirei. He gave Eirei the gesture to stand up which the boy immediately followed. The general stared Eirei down, as if he were looking for some type of movement of the boy to make, but there was no movement in Eirei; he stayed as calm as the wind on a summer day.

Tsuyo: Eirei Suwari, you are a member of the highly respected Suwari-Clan, you mastered the art known as Aikido at an early age, you also mastered Tessenjutsu, the art of the Japanese war fan, and Shurikenjutsu, the art of blade throwing. You were able to obtain the power of the element known as wind, and became highly skilled at it. Not to mention that you mastered eleven of the eighteen ninja disciplines; your file also mentions that you’ve completed twelve S-class missions, fifteen A-class, ten B-class, and 13 C-class missions without fail. All together, this equals 50/50 missions completed with very minimum injury. You are a 9th degree ninja when one needs to be a 7th degree to become a captain. For all your hard work and accomplishments, we congratulate you.

Eirei knew for a fact that they would be calling him here for his hard work, it was without a doubt. However, what he couldn’t figure out was why all six captains and the general needed to be here to tell him this. Maybe he was here for a mission after all.

Eirei: Thank you, Tsuyo-ue, but I’m only doing what it takes to serve my village and its inhabitants. There’s no need to thank me.

A few of the Captains smiled at Eirei’s modesty, something about Eirei caught their curiosity. Eirei however, was only focused on leaving as soon as possible.

Tsuyo: Tell me Eirei, have you heard about the recently new squad that’s been organized about three days ago?

Eirei: Yes, they’re called the Death-Squad. They’re the squad that will be dealing with assassinations, correct.

Tsuyo: Correct, and as you might already know, we haven’t been able to find a suitable captain for that squad, and we would like for you to be the official caption of the Death-Squad and lead assassinations in the name of Gunjukeiki Village! Will you accept?

Silence had befallen the entire room; there was not even the sound of a cricket being heard. At first, Eirei thought he was dreaming, because it was always his dream to become a captain and lead a squad. Slowly, Eirei straightened , looking General Tsuyo and the other captains in the eye. Finally, finally all his hard work had paid off and he would become a respected captain.

Eirei: I…accept.

Tsuyo: Then I now pronounce you as Captain Eirei Suwari. Now, go meet your squad, they should be in the third dojo outside.

It didn’t take to long for Eirei to reach the outside of the tower. Also, only a few minutes were spent changing into his new customized Captain’s uniform. Which was now a long white Kimono with blood-red flower designs all over it; he was also wearing his red, Captain Sash around his waist and red, wooden Geta. He was a little curious about what the squad would think about having a fourteen year old Captain. Still, it didn’t matter to Eirei, because he would not accept any insubordination from anyone serving under him.

Seisen: HEYYYY!!!!! Wait up Eirei!!!!!!

Eirei stopped and turned around to see Seisen land in front of him. The blonde seemed happier then usual; maybe it was because he was finally seeing his best friend become a Captain of a newly developed Squad. Seisen was three years older then Eirei and had known him since he was three; the two were very close friends to say the least.

Eirei: Oh, hello Sei-Chan (Chan is used for very close relationships that have lasted since childhood), have you come to walk me to the dojo?

Seisen: Well, I guess you could say that, but I also wanted to see the reactions of the squad when the see you and your appearance. After all, you’re the only ninja in the entire town who dresses so formally while on the job, you even attach honorific suffixes to everyone’s name that you know. How can you even leap in that Kimono, let alone run?

Eirei: I don’t know, it just came naturally I guess, and besides, it’s always better to fight feeling as comfortable as possible, and I feel comfortable wearing this, Captain Seisen Yuugi.

This caused Seisen to laugh; it was always like Eirei to give a good explanation in only a couple of words. Both boys finally reached the Dojo and Eirei slid open the large doors and walked in on to the arena. The Dojo was very huge and spacious; the area had training equipment and a good padded floor that was excellent for fighting on. The ceiling was also high enough to execute high jumps; it was perfect, but it would have been more enjoyable if it were not for the fifty ninja that were all around Eirei and Seisen. They were all just staring at him, only their eyes could be seen because of their uniforms and some of them looked like they were about to laugh.

Seisen: Good luck.

Eirei: Hopefully I won’t need it. …Hello everyone, I’m Eirei Suwari and I will be your Captain. First let me say that it is an honor to—

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, all the squad members begin to laugh hysterically, some even fell to the ground because they thought what was before them was too funny. A little teenager was being assigned to be their captain; they thought this must have been a joke. However, Eirei and Seisen didn’t find this funny one bit, in fact, if they kept on with their laughing, Eirei was about to make most of them start to cry instead.

Seisen: Be gentle, Eirei. You don’t want to rough up your new subordinates too much on the first day, do you? Since I’ll be watching the show, I’ll be willing to help if you need me in any way.

Eirei: As a matter of fact, I’m going to need help carrying some of them back to the hospital. So stick around for a while and watch carefully.

Death Ninja: What did you just say about taking us to hospital beds you little brat!?! When I’m done, I’ll send you to the hospital in a box!!

Eirei turned around to see a tall, muscular ninja standing in front of him with his arms crossed. It was obvious that this man was pissed, and he was not the type that liked to take insults without making action; his outburst even caused the other ninja to listen and see what was about to unfold. It was good timing too, Eirei needed a fight in order to warm-up for anyone else who thought he wasn’t worthy of being a Captain.

Eirei: Listen up everyone, I’m going to show you how I handle my light exercise, and if you don’t like the way I do things, then you can also challenge me!!! If their should be anyone in this room who has the guts to come up here after this man and defeat me, then I will resign as Captain.

This little statement put a smile across Seisen’s lips. He could already tell what was about to happen as Eirei turned back towards the giant who stood in front of him.

Death Ninja: I’m gonna make ground beef out of you kid!!!!

In a quick motion, the Death ninja steps forward and punches at a not-impressed Eirei. The punch was sluggish and it lacked the technique it needed to even graze the young Captain. So, quickly, Eirei sidesteps the ninja’s attack and looks at the extended arm without mercy.

Eirei: Ikkyo-First Technique!!!

Eirei grabs the ninja’s elbow with one hand and his wrist with the other and quickly leverages the giant to the ground and begins to apply pressure to his ulnar nerve; this nerve controls the muscles and tissue that runs from the elbow to the wrist. So one could easily see why the giant was screaming in agony.

Death Ninja: STOP, STOP IT HURTS! PLEASE STOP BEFORE YOU BREAK MY ARM!

Eirei: I haven’t even started yet…Nikyo-Second Technique!!!

Eirei then twists the ninja’s wrist into an adductive wrist lock that torques the arm and applies painful nerve pressure; causing ulnar deviation which forces the giant on his stomach in order to lessen the pain. Most of the other ninja in the room were completely shocked; some of them were even starting to believe that this boy was a Captain.

Eirei: That was only #2 of the thirteen common arts of Aikido…shall I continue with the next eleven?

Death Ninja: NO, NO PLEASE STOP! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!

Eirei: Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it! Kaitennage- Rotation Throw!

With a final tug, Eirei sweeps the Ninja’s arm backwards until his shoulder joint is locked; the young Captain then uses the forward pressure to throw the giant through the wall of the Dojo. The whole Dojo was silent except for Seisen who was laughing so hard he hit the floor. All the other Ninja were silent.

Eirei: Does anyone else think that I’m not worthy to wear this sash, if so please stand up here…and show me what you’ve got!!!!

Within the next five seconds, another ninja was in the ring in his fighting stance, he must have been related to that other ninja somehow.

Death Ninja 2: That was my friend you just beat up you punk; I will avenge him!!!!

Quickly, the ninja whips out two swords and runs towards Eirei at top speed. Eirei was starting to get sick of all this rebellious action; he was going to make sure that this ninja got twice the punishment of the last. The ninja swung at the boy with both swords, but before the ninja even knew it; his swords were flying through the air and into a wall. When he looked back at Eirei he saw the boy wielding two Tessen (Iron Japanese war fans); these Tessen were of pure iron and had ten ribs on each one.

Eirei: Good night…Shōmen'uchi- front-face-strike!!!!

Eirei possessions the fan in striking formation and jabs the ninja’s forehead; causing him to hit the ground in a heap. As he lay motionless on the floor with foam spurting from his mouth, Eirei walks on his body like a doormat and stares at the rest of the Ninja. This little spectacle had changed his entire attitude towards the Death-Squad.

Eirei (coldly): Listen to me well, because I promise you that I will not repeat myself. At this moment and from now on, you are to refer to me as either Captain Suwari, Suwari-sama (Sama is when referring to someone with great respect who is higher in rank; slightly less formal the Ue), Suwari-Kyoshi (Kyoshi refers to a master instructor), or Eirei-Kakka (Kakka means, “Your Excellency”). If anyone refers to me as something else, then you will end up like the man that I am standing on at this moment, cracked skull and all!! The General has given me control over all of you; when I say “Jump”, you say, “How High?”. You are all soldiers under my command; if I sense the slightest bit of rebelliousness, a tiny bit of disrespect, or any hesitation to my commands, then I will stamp it out…permanently!! Are there anymore rebellious fighters who still don’t think I can be a good captain?

The entire room was silent; who wouldn’t be after that intense speech. Even Seisen was in a serious mode, and the lecture wasn’t even directed towards him. The ninja were now realizing what they were dealing with, a full-fledged captain who would be beyond the level of pissed if he were disobeyed.

Eirei: Now, go and get some rest, you have a long day ahead of you tomorrow. Training will be from 6:00am to 12:00pm; if anyone is late, then I’ll double the time. Also, tell the two men that I knocked out earlier that I want a five page report on the nerves and bones I damaged in their bodies and that I want it on my desk by 3:00pm tomorrow. By the way men, remember that a word spoken fitly is like apples of gold, in pictures of silver.

Entire Death-Squad (saluting): Good night, Captain Suwari, sir!!!!!!!!!!
__________________

The stars are shining.
The full moon above me.
Why does the night pass by?
Why couldn’t it last forever?


Zaphkiel's Final Product: A Cursed Royalty
  
						Last edited by Zaphkiel; 12-06-2007 at 07:08 PM.
					
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Old 12-07-2007, 01:10 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Rafael Domination (Offline)
Maker of Worlds
 
Rafael Domination's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.
Posts: 3,085
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 76
Yay! I'm the first one here!

This is an Anime Screen Play I made Last Year. This story is a mix of a screen-play and a novel, an original style that I created! (Ah…I read through it in school, and wonder why it didn’t seem like a script or novel. Yeah, this is a rather interesting way to make a novel…)














It was a cloudy, dark, yet warm day in Gunjukeiki Village and the clock was just about to strike noon. Eirei Suwari, gracefully leaping rooftops for his afternoon exercise, was just about ready to go to the meeting that the village General had called him to. He was never called (
had never been called) by the General before so he was a little excited to say the least. Alas, he continued to leap, his shoulder length, indigo hair flowing in the wind behind him; this being a rare sight to see in his village. However, that wasn’t the only thing strange about Eirei; his fashion sense could also be considered out of the norm when it came to being a ninja. He liked to wear Kimonos, and today he was wearing a long, dark blue one with red dragon embroidery around the shins, thighs, torso, back, and chest. Along with that he wore a blood red obi (sash) around his waist and Geta (wooden sandals) on his feet. He never wore socks with his Geta; it always felt weird to him. He was the only ninja in town who dressed so formally, even on missions. Neat descriptions
.

The town seemed as dull as usual, the color of the buildings ranging from grey, white, teal, pale blue, and lavender to bluish-grey. Yet the villagers seemed as happy as usual, even though Gunjukeiki was in the midst of a war with the Teneiki Village. The war has lasted for about a year so far, but that was the only thing Eirei knew about it; he was hoping to find out more during this so-called meeting. He began to see the tall, grey tower where the meeting was supposedly held; its tall figure nearly touching the dark clouds. When he landed in front of the doors, he nearly made the two guards stationed there jump out of their skin. Most of the village soldiers and guards wore black and grey, form-fitting uniforms that only gave a visual of the wearer’s eyes, but these two weren’t wearing their masks. One’s name was Himoto, who was a tall figure with dark hair and eyes, and the other was Enko, who was just as tall and had red, long hair and green eyes, both were males in their twenties.

Eirei: Good after noon, Himoto-kun (Kun is used when referring to close male friends),

(Line)
Enko-kun. I hope I wasn’t called here under unworthy circumstances.

Himoto: Oh, Eirei-kun, it’s wonderful to see you also, and trust me, you were called here under good terms!!!!

Enko: You’re way too happy at this part of the day, and besides, why be so happy over something that was bound to happen sooner or later.

Himoto: Oh, just ignore him Eirei-kun; now, please follow me upstairs, everyone is waiting.


Is it just me, or are you making my job too easy. No Mistakes

The two guards began to lead Eirei upstairs, bickering the entire time about things like, the difference between shrimp and crawfish. The argument was starting to wear down Eirei’s patience, but things like this ran in his family. Eirei was born into the Suwari-clan, who was known for the proficiency in the martial art known as Aikido. This art has no offensive moves; instead, it uses the enemy’s force against themselves.

Eirei mastered this art at the age of six, then went and studied Tessenjutsu, the art of fighting with Japanese war fans, which he mastered at age nine. For more skills, Eirei learned the art of Shurikenjutsu, the art of blade throwing, which he mastered at the age of eleven. After all these studies, he went and mastered other ninja arts until he was fourteen, the age he is now. (
Bit of infodump. Could have been mentioned a little better, especially the age part. Sounds a bit awkward)

However, over that long period of time, he participated in A-class and S-class missions, which drastically helped in previous wars. He began to think that maybe he was being called in order to be congratulated for his work, but before he new it, he was in front of the huge double doors that led inside the council room. As they began to slide open, Himoto shoved him in and closed the door from behind with a smile. The room was very large and the floors and walls were made of shiny, mahogany wood and there were paintings of different types of scenery on the walls, such as spring, winter, war, fall, rivers, etc.
Etc. really shouldn’t be used in non-dialogue parts of novels. Other than that…bravo on the descriptions


In the middle of the room were seven figures, he recognized them all as captains. Captains were the hearts of village’s military, and were extremely powerful. Each captain had a special element; even Eirei had one, which was wind. It took agonizing and brutal training in order to get one. However, two of the captains he knew very closely; one was his stoic, no-nonsense older brother who never really paid any attention to Eirei, whose name was Ottori. His dark indigo hair was longer then Eirei’s, but he had the same purple eyes; Ottori was a master at Sojutsu, the art of using the Japanese spear known as the Yari. The other captain was his best friend and long time rival, Seisen; who had a jolly personality and was always there to cheer Eirei up…even when he didn’t need or want it. Some could say that Seisen was just a very hyper blonde, which he was.

However Seisen was a highly skilled warrior who mastered Kenjutsu, the sword art. Seisen was known as the Daisho Warrior; this was because he used the katana and the wakizashi (side-arm sword) as one when fighting, and together the two were known as Daisho- Long and small. Seisen and Ottori were wearing there traditional captain uniforms, which were silver ninja outfits with a red sash that wrapped around the waist, as were the other captains.
More info dump, but I really didn’t notice until I looked for it. That’s good.

Eirei noticed the other four captains, Rei, Gakko, Jibeta, and Inazu were also in the room along with the General, known as Tsuyo. Rei was the captain of the Archer-Squad; she had long black hair and crimson eyes that were as fiery as the depths of hell itself… just like her temper. Gakko was the captain of the villages Medical-Squad; his hair was as blue as the sea, which matched well with his emerald eyes…his personality was quite serene. Jibeta was the most muscular out of the captains, he controlled the Bomb-squad; his bald head shined (
shone) like the moon and his pride was as big as his muscles. Inazu was the captain of the Espionage-Squad; his hair was as white as lightning but (and) his mind was just as quick. Seisen, his best friend, was the captain of the Scout-Squad and Ottori, his older brother, of the Destruction-Squad. Last but most definitely not least was General Tsuyo, the overseer of Gunjukeiki’s entire army; his golden eyes and hair were his most distinguishing features and his wisdom was great. Seeing that all these great people were staring Eirei down made the bluenette (bluenette ? The word him would have sufficed) feel a little uneasy; at this point he was hoping that they would say what the had to say so he could leave. Slowing getting to his knees, Eirei gave a respective bow to the high-ranking officers that stood before him, causing his indigo locks to fall to the sides of his face.

Eirei: Tsuyo-ue, (Ue donates a high level of respect to those above one’s self) to what do I owe this pleasant yet unexpected call? Is there some type of mission that you would like for me to complete?

General Tsuyo smiled at this; he was glad to see that the children these days hadn’t forgotten their manners, even those with as much skill as Eirei. He gave Eirei the gesture to stand up which the boy immediately followed. The general stared Eirei down, as if he were looking for some type of movement of the boy to make, but there was no movement in Eirei; he stayed as calm as the wind on a summer day. (
Nice
)

Tsuyo: Eirei Suwari, you are a member of the highly respected Suwari-Clan, you mastered the art known as Aikido at an early age, you also mastered Tessenjutsu, the art of the Japanese war fan, and Shurikenjutsu, the art of blade throwing. You were able to obtain the power of the element known as wind, and became highly skilled at it. Not to mention that you mastered eleven of the eighteen ninja disciplines; your file also mentions that you’ve completed twelve S-class missions, fifteen A-class, ten B-class, and 13 C-class missions without fail. All together, this equals 50/50 missions completed with very minimum injury. You are a 9th degree ninja when one needs to be a 7th degree to become a captain. For all your hard work and accomplishments, we congratulate you.

Eirei knew for a fact that they would be calling him here for his hard work, it was without a doubt. However, what he couldn’t figure out was why all six captains and the general needed to be here to tell him this. Maybe he was here for a mission after all.

Eirei: Thank you, Tsuyo-ue, but I’m only doing what it takes to serve my village and its inhabitants. There’s no need to thank me. (
BLUUUE! MORE BLUE!
)

A few of the Captains smiled at Eirei’s modesty, something about Eirei caught their curiosity. Eirei however, was only focused on leaving as soon as possible.

Tsuyo: Tell me Eirei, have you heard about the recently new squad that’s been organized about three days ago?

Eirei: Yes, they’re called the Death-Squad. They’re the squad that will be dealing with assassinations, correct.

Tsuyo: Correct, and as you might already know, we haven’t been able to find a suitable captain for that squad, and we would like for you to be the official caption of the Death-Squad and lead assassinations in the name of Gunjukeiki Village! Will you accept?

Silence had befallen the entire room; there was not even the sound of a cricket being heard. At first, Eirei thought he was dreaming, because it was always his dream to become a captain and lead a squad. Slowly, Eirei straightened , looking General Tsuyo and the other captains in the eye. Finally, finally all his hard work had paid off and he would become a respected captain.

Eirei: I…accept.

Tsuyo: Then I now pronounce you as Captain Eirei Suwari. Now, go meet your squad, they should be in the third dojo outside.

It didn’t take to long for Eirei to reach the outside of the tower. Also, only a few minutes were spent changing into his new customized Captain’s uniform. Which was now a long white Kimono with blood-red flower designs all over it; he was also wearing his red, Captain Sash around his waist and red, wooden Geta. He was a little curious about what the squad would think about having a fourteen year old Captain. Still, it didn’t matter to Eirei, because he would not accept any insubordination from anyone serving under him.

Seisen: HEYYYY!!!!! Wait up Eirei!!!!!!

Eirei stopped and turned around to see Seisen land in front of him. The blonde seemed happier then usual; maybe it was because he was finally seeing his best friend become a Captain of a newly developed Squad. Seisen was three years older then Eirei and had known him since he was three; the two were very close friends to say the least.

Eirei: Oh, hello Sei-Chan (Chan is used for very close relationships that have lasted since childhood), have you come to walk me to the dojo? (
Maybe these definitions should be placed in some sort of appendix; they kinda ruin the nice flow of your work
)

Seisen: Well, I guess you could say that, but I also wanted to see the reactions of the squad when the see you and your appearance. After all, you’re the only ninja in the entire town who dresses so formally while on the job, you even attach honorific suffixes to everyone’s name that you know. How can you even leap in that Kimono, let alone run?

Eirei: I don’t know, it just came naturally I guess, (
full stop
) and besides, it’s always better to fight feeling as comfortable as possible, and I feel comfortable wearing this, Captain Seisen Yuugi.

This caused Seisen to laugh; it was always like Eirei to give a good explanation in only a couple of words. Both boys finally reached the Dojo and Eirei slid open the large doors and walked in on to the arena. The Dojo was very huge and spacious; the area had training equipment and a good padded floor that was excellent for fighting on. The ceiling was also high enough to execute high jumps; it was perfect, but it would have been more enjoyable if it were not for the fifty ninja that were all around Eirei and Seisen. They were all just staring at him, only their eyes could be seen because of their uniforms and some of them looked like they were about to laugh.

Seisen: Good luck.

Eirei: Hopefully I won’t need it. …Hello everyone, I’m Eirei Suwari and I will be your Captain. First let me say that it is an honor to—

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, all the squad members begin to laugh hysterically, some even fell to the ground because they thought what was before them was too funny. A little teenager was being assigned to be their captain; they thought this must have been a joke. However, Eirei and Seisen didn’t find this funny one bit, in fact, if they kept on with their laughing, Eirei was about to make most of them start to cry instead.

Seisen: Be gentle, Eirei. You don’t want to rough up your new subordinates too much on the first day, do you? Since I’ll be watching the show, I’ll be willing to help if you need me in any way. (
Way to turn up the action after a period of quiet. You’re really good at this, Zaph…
)

Eirei: As a matter of fact, I’m going to need help carrying some of them back to the hospital. So stick around for a while and watch carefully.

Death Ninja: What did you just say about taking us to hospital beds you little brat!?! When I’m done, I’ll send you to the hospital in a box!!

Eirei turned around to see a tall, muscular ninja standing in front of him with his arms crossed. It was obvious that this man was pissed, and he was not the type that liked to take insults without making action; his outburst even caused the other ninja to listen and see what was about to unfold. It was good timing too, Eirei needed a fight in order to warm-up (
The word ‘show’ would have been better, Warm up is a pre-exercise thing…not applied to thoughts)
for anyone else who thought he wasn’t worthy of being a Captain.

Eirei: Listen up everyone, I’m going to show you how I handle my light exercise, and if you don’t like the way I do things, then you can also challenge me!!! If their should be anyone in this room who has the guts to come up here after this man and defeat me, then I will resign as Captain.

This little statement put a smile across Seisen’s lips. He could already tell what was about to happen as Eirei turned back towards the giant who stood in front of him.

Death Ninja: I’m gonna make ground beef out of you kid!!!!

In a quick motion, the Death ninja steps forward and punches at a not-impressed Eirei. The punch was sluggish and it lacked the technique it needed to even graze the young Captain. So, quickly, Eirei sidesteps the ninja’s attack and looks at the extended arm without mercy.

Eirei: Ikkyo-First Technique!!!

Eirei grabs the ninja’s elbow with one hand and his wrist with the other and quickly leverages the giant to the ground and begins to apply pressure to his ulnar nerve; this nerve controls the muscles and tissue that runs from the elbow to the wrist. So one could easily see why the giant was screaming in agony.


(I see you’ve even put some research into this. Bravo.)

Death Ninja: STOP, STOP IT HURTS! PLEASE STOP BEFORE YOU BREAK MY ARM!

Eirei: I haven’t even started yet…Nikyo-Second Technique!!!

Eirei then twists the ninja’s wrist into an adductive wrist lock that torques the arm and applies painful nerve pressure; causing ulnar deviation which forces the giant on his stomach in order to lessen the pain. Most of the other ninja in the room were completely shocked; some of them were even starting to believe that this boy was a Captain.

Eirei: That was only #2 of the thirteen common arts of Aikido…shall I continue with the next eleven?

Death Ninja: NO, NO PLEASE STOP! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!

Eirei: Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it! Kaitennage- Rotation Throw!

With a final tug, Eirei sweeps the Ninja’s arm backwards until his shoulder joint is locked; the young Captain then uses the forward pressure to throw the giant through the wall of the Dojo. The whole Dojo was silent except for Seisen who was laughing so hard he hit the floor. All the other Ninja were silent.

Eirei: Does anyone else think that I’m not worthy to wear this sash, if so please stand up here…and show me what you’ve got!!!!

Within the next five seconds, another ninja was in the ring in his fighting stance, he must have been related to that other ninja somehow.

Death Ninja 2: That was my friend you just beat up you punk; I will avenge him!!!!

Quickly, the ninja whips out two swords and runs towards Eirei at top speed. Eirei was starting to get sick of all this rebellious action; he was going to make sure that this ninja got twice the punishment of the last. The ninja swung at the boy with both swords, but before the ninja even knew it; his swords were flying through the air and into a wall. When he looked back at Eirei he saw the boy wielding two Tessen (Iron Japanese war fans); these Tessen were of pure iron and had ten ribs on each one.

Eirei: Good night…Shōmen'uchi- front-face-strike!!!!

Eirei possessions the fan in striking formation and jabs the ninja’s forehead; causing him to hit the ground in a heap. As he lay motionless on the floor with foam spurting from his mouth, Eirei walks on his body like a doormat and stares at the rest of the Ninja. This little spectacle had changed his entire attitude towards the Death-Squad.

Eirei (coldly): Listen to me well, because I promise you that I will not repeat myself. At this moment and from now on, you are to refer to me as either Captain Suwari, Suwari-sama (Sama is when referring to someone with great respect who is higher in rank; slightly less formal the Ue), Suwari-Kyoshi (Kyoshi refers to a master instructor), or Eirei-Kakka (Kakka means, “Your Excellency”). (
Such good flow…and then, the definitions) If anyone refers to me as something else, then you will end up like the man that I am standing on at this moment, cracked skull and all!! The General has given me control over all of you; when I say “Jump”, you say, “How High?”. You are all soldiers under my command; if I sense the slightest bit of rebelliousness, a tiny bit of disrespect, or any hesitation to my commands, then I will stamp it out…permanently!! Are there anymore rebellious fighters who still don’t think I can be a good captain?

(Wow. I like this kid)

The entire room was silent; who wouldn’t be after that intense speech. Even Seisen was in a serious mode, and the lecture wasn’t even directed towards him. The ninja were now realizing what they were dealing with, a full-fledged captain who would be beyond the level of pissed if he were disobeyed.

Eirei: Now, go and get some rest, you have a long day ahead of you tomorrow. Training will be from 6:00am to 12:00pm; if anyone is late, then I’ll double the time. Also, tell the two men that I knocked out earlier that I want a five page report on the nerves and bones I damaged in their bodies and that I want it on my desk by 3:00pm tomorrow. By the way men, remember that a word spoken fitly is like apples of gold, in pictures of silver.

Entire Death-Squad (saluting): Good night, Captain Suwari, sir!!!!!!!!!!


The only thing I think ruins the otherwise perfect flow is the definitions and the explanations. Maybe an encyclopedia would be better. Other than that, I give this story 3 thumbs up.

Overall Verdict: WOWOWOW.
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Old 12-07-2007, 04:59 AM View Post #3 (Link)
Andy (Offline)
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Alas, he continued to leap, his shoulder length, indigo hair flowing in the wind behind him; this being a rare sight to see in his village.
First, him leaping across rooftops is a rare sight? How come? His training would usually be the same thing, right, so why is it a rare sight? Also, you set it apart with a semicolon, but it's an incomplete sentence.

The town seemed as dull as usual, the color of the buildings ranging from grey, white, teal, pale blue, and lavender to bluish-grey. Yet the villagers seemed as happy as usual
It's hard to imagine a village that's both happy and dull.

The war has lasted for about a year so far
Past tense: had lasted

meeting was supposedly held; its tall figure nearly touching the dark clouds.
Again, the part after the semicolon is an incomplete sentence. I think you could swap the semicolon with a comma and fix it.

Eirei: Good after noon, Himoto-kun
afternoon is one word. Or it can be. Maybe that's a regional difference?

Enko: You’re way too happy at this part of the day, and besides, why be so happy over something that was bound to happen sooner or later.
That's a question, so end it with a question mark.

The two guards began to lead Eirei upstairs, bickering the entire time about things like, the difference between shrimp and crawfish.
Cut that comma after "like" - not needed. Also, it feels odd that they'd talk about something so random and pointless all of a sudden. Enko made it sound like this meeting is important, especially by saying it would happen sooner or later. Wouldn't he be thinking about that instead?


Eirei mastered this art at the age of six, then went and studied Tessenjutsu, the art of fighting with Japanese war fans, which he mastered at age nine. For more skills, Eirei learned the art of Shurikenjutsu, the art of blade throwing
Um, let's just say you know a lot more about these things than I do. WAY more.

In the middle of the room were seven figures, he recognized them all as captains. Captains were the hearts of village’s military
First sentence: that comma should be a ; second sentence: make it "the village's"

However Seisen was a highly skilled warrior who mastered Kenjutsu, the sword art. Seisen was known as the Daisho Warrior; this was because he used the katana and the wakizashi (side-arm sword) as one when fighting, and together the two were known as Daisho- Long and small. Seisen and Ottori were wearing there traditional captain uniforms, which were silver ninja outfits with a red sash that wrapped around the waist, as were the other captains.
In the long paragraph where you talked about the other four captains, I felt there was a lot of unnecessary telling instead of showing, because their personalities were given. Also, saying that they all acted in ways that matched their looks felt a bit contrived. I think you should instead try to demonstrate their personalities through their speech. Their personalities could be the same, but the connections to their looks would not be so obvious.

Eirei: Tsuyo-ue, (Ue donates a high level of respect to those above one’s self)
That's a cool concept! I'm going to borrow it.

General Tsuyo smiled at this; he was glad to see that the children these days hadn’t forgotten their manners, even those with as much skill as Eirei.
Careful with point of view. This is Tsuyo's mind, not Eirei's

This caused Seisen to laugh; it was always like Eirei to give a good explanation in only a couple of words.
POV again, this sounds like Seisen thinking

Eirei: Hopefully I won’t need it. …Hello everyone, I’m Eirei Suwari and I will be your Captain. First let me say that it is an honor to—
This sentence feels really abrupt. He doesn't pause to look over his new squad, or think, he just changes the people he's speaking to with an ellipse, and that feels too fast. Maybe insert another paragraph with his thoughts and emotions?

Then suddenly, out of nowhere,
Repetition - you can cut one of them. Choose widely....

Death Ninja: I’m gonna make ground beef out of you kid!!!!
Do ninjas talk like that? It seems way too casual in my opinion, more like a middle-school bully.

In a quick motion, the Death ninja steps forward and punches at a not-impressed Eirei. The punch was sluggish and it lacked the technique it needed to even graze the young Captain. So, quickly, Eirei sidesteps the ninja’s attack and looks at the extended arm without mercy.
Why did you change to present tense suddenly?

Within the next five seconds, another ninja was in the ring in his fighting stance, he must have been related to that other ninja somehow.
This felt really out of place, like the narrator almost forgot to say this, and said it quickly.

I may have missed something, but wouldn't at least one of these ninjas have at least heard of Eirei and how good he is for his age? It feels as though they're all meeting him for the first time.


That was a fun read! Looong read, but a fun one. I like Eirei's character, and the story in general. I want to see what kind of missions a kid like him could go on with fifty or so deadly ninjas. It sounds like an interesting experience, although one that may be hard to create a worthy opponent for.

A couple of things throughout. Spelling was perfect, but the semicolons were sometimes not used correctly. Sometimes you got into the head of some character other than Eirei, and sometimes the narrator or a person would ask a question that you accidentally ended with a period. Like:

The entire room was silent; who wouldn’t be after that intense speech.
Semicolons are like periods, except the letter after them is not capitalized. That's about all they are. If you have a sentence fragment, use a comma.

Last thing: I think you should give more of Eire's thoughts and emotions. All we see of him right now are his actions and speech, but there's probably a whole third layer of him which you don't reveal, and I think that layer would be great for his characterization.

All in all, excellent writing! And you've clearly done your research.
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Old 12-09-2007, 10:26 PM View Post #4 (Link)
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I just noticed something...they just assembled an assassination squad now? Or is it a NEW assassination squad? Cuz' if they only assembled on recently, then, it kinda wont make sense, cuz' assassination is a big part of ninjas and it should be the first thing that village ever did...
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Old 12-24-2007, 04:24 AM View Post #5 (Link)
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I owe you a critic, Zaph!
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Old 12-24-2007, 04:36 AM View Post #6 (Link)
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Originally Posted by Zaphkiel View Post
Chapter 1
Eirei Suwari, Captain of the Death-Squad!!!!
The youngest yet Deadliest Captain of Gunjukeiki Village!!







This is an Anime Screen Play I made Last Year. This story is a mix of a screen-play and a novel, an original style that I created!














It was a cloudy, dark, yet warm day in Gunjukeiki Village and the clock was just about to strike noon. Eirei Suwari, gracefully leaping rooftops for his afternoon exercise, was just about ready to go to the meeting that the village General had called him to. He was never called by the General before so he was a little excited to say the least. Alas, he continued to leap, his shoulder length, indigo hair flowing in the wind behind him; this being a rare sight to see in his village. However, that wasn’t the only thing strange about Eirei; his fashion sense could also be considered out of the norm when it came to being a ninja. He liked to wear Kimonos, and today he was wearing a long, dark blue one with red dragon embroidery around the shins, thighs, torso, back, and chest. Along with that he wore a blood red obi (sash) around his waist and Geta (wooden sandals) on his feet. He never wore socks with his Geta; it always felt weird to him. He was the only ninja in town who dressed so formally, even on missions.

The town seemed as dull as usual, the color of the buildings ranging from grey

Just ahead, 'color' was used, spelled in American. Try to be consistent in your spelling, either all the way British spelling or all the way American spelling

, white, teal, pale blue, and lavender to bluish-grey. Yet the villagers seemed as happy as usual, even though Gunjukeiki was in the midst of a war with the Teneiki Village. The war has lasted for about a year so far, but that was the only thing Eirei knew about it; he was hoping to find out more during this so-called meeting. He began to see the tall, grey tower where the meeting was supposedly held; its tall figure nearly touching the dark clouds. When he landed in front of the doors, he nearly made the two guards stationed there, jump out of their skin. Most of the village soldiers and guards wore black and grey, form-fitting uniforms that only gave a visual of the wearer’s eyes, but these two weren’t wearing their masks. One’s name was Himoto, who was a tall figure with dark hair and eyes, and the other was Enko, who was just as tall and had red, long hair and green eyes, both were males in their twenties.

Eirei: Good afternoon

Afternoon is spelled as one word

, Himoto-kun (Kun is used when referring to close male friends), Enko-kun. I hope I wasn’t called here under unworthy circumstances.

Himoto: Oh, Eirei-kun, it’s wonderful to see you also, and trust me, you were called here under good terms!!!!

Enko: You’re way too happy at this part of the day, and besides, why be so happy over something that was bound to happen sooner or later?

Himoto: Oh, just ignore him Eirei-kun; now, please follow me upstairs, everyone is waiting.

The two guards began to lead Eirei upstairs, bickering the entire time about things like[STRIKE],[/STRIKE] the difference between shrimp and crayfish. The argument was starting to wear down Eirei’s patience, but things like this ran in his family. Eirei was born into the Suwari-clan, who was known for the proficiency in the martial art known as Aikido. This art has no offensive moves; instead, it uses the enemy’s force against themselves.

Eirei mastered this art at the age of six, then went and studied Tessenjutsu, the art of fighting with Japanese war fans, which he mastered at age nine. For more skills, Eirei learned the art of Shurikenjutsu, the art of blade throwing, which he mastered at the age of eleven. After all these studies, he went and mastered other ninja arts until he was fourteen, the age he is now.

However, over that long period of time, he participated in A-class and S-class missions, which drastically helped in previous wars. He began to think that maybe he was being called in order to be congratulated for his work. But before he new it, he was in front of the huge double doors that led inside the council room. As they began to slide open, Himoto shoved him in and closed the door from behind with a smile. The room was very large and the floors and walls were made of shiny, mahogany wood and there were paintings of different types of scenery on the walls, such as spring, winter, war, fall, rivers, etc.

In the middle of the room were seven figures, he recognized them all as captains. Captains were the hearts of village’s military, and were extremely powerful. Each captain had a special element; even Eirei had one, which was wind. It took agonizing and brutal training in order to get one. However, two of the captains he knew very closely; one was his stoic, no-nonsense older brother who never really paid any attention to Eirei, whose name was Ottori. His dark indigo hair was longer then Eirei’s, but he had the same purple eyes; Ottori was a master at Sojutsu, the art of using the Japanese spear known as the Yari. The other captain was his best friend and long time rival, Seisen; who had a jolly personality and was always there to cheer Eirei up…even when he didn’t need or want it. Some could say that Seisen was just a very hyper blonde, which he was.

However Seisen was a highly skilled warrior who mastered Kenjutsu, the sword art. Seisen was known as the Daisho Warrior; this was because he used the katana and the wakizashi (side-arm sword) as one when fighting, and together the two were known as Daisho- Long and small. Seisen and Ottori were wearing there traditional captain uniforms, which were silver ninja outfits with a red sash that wrapped around the waist, as were the other captains.

Eirei noticed the other four captains, Rei, Gakko, Jibeta, and Inazu were also in the room along with the General, known as Tsuyo. Rei was the captain of the Archer-Squad; she had long black hair and crimson eyes that were as fiery as the depths of hell itself… just like her temper. Gakko was the captain of the villages Medical-Squad; his hair was as blue as the sea, which matched well with his emerald eyes…his personality was quite serene. Jibeta was the most muscular out of the captains, he controlled the Bomb-squad; his bald head [STRIKE]shined[/STRIKE]Gleamed? like the moon and his pride was as big as his muscles. Inazu was the captain of the Espionage-Squad; his hair was as white as lightning but his mind was just as quick. Seisen, his best friend, was the captain of the Scout-Squad and Ottori, his older brother, of the Destruction-Squad. Last but most definitely not least was General Tsuyo, the overseer of Gunjukeiki’s entire army; his golden eyes and hair were his most distinguishing features and his wisdom was great. Seeing that all these great people were staring Eirei down made the bluenette feel a little uneasy; at this point he was hoping that they would say what the had to say so he could leave. Slowing getting to his knees, Eirei gave a respective bow to the high-ranking officers that stood before him, causing his indigo locks to fall to the sides of his face.

Eirei: Tsuyo-ue, (Ue donates a high level of respect to those above one’s self) to what do I owe this pleasant yet unexpected call? Is there some type of mission that you would like for me to complete?

General Tsuyo smiled at this; he was glad to see that the children these days hadn’t forgotten their manners, even those with as much skill as Eirei. He gave Eirei the gesture to stand up which the boy immediately followed. The general stared Eirei down, as if he were looking for some type of movement of the boy to make, but there was no movement in Eirei; he stayed as calm as the wind on a summer day.

Tsuyo: Eirei Suwari, you are a member of the highly respected Suwari-Clan, you mastered the art known as Aikido at an early age, you also mastered Tessenjutsu, the art of the Japanese war fan, and Shurikenjutsu, the art of blade throwing. You were able to obtain the power of the element known as wind, and became highly skilled at it. Not to mention that you mastered eleven of the eighteen ninja disciplines; your file also mentions that you’ve completed twelve S-class missions, fifteen A-class, ten B-class, and 13 C-class missions without fail. All together, this equals 50/50 missions completed with very minimum injury. You are a 9th degree ninja when one needs to be a 7th degree to become a captain. For all your hard work and accomplishments, we congratulate you.

Eirei knew for a fact that they would be calling him here for his hard work, it was without a doubt. However, what he couldn’t figure out was why all six captains and the general needed to be here to tell him this. Maybe he was here for a mission after all.

Eirei: Thank you, Tsuyo-ue, but I’m only doing what it takes to serve my village and its inhabitants. There’s no need to thank me.

A few of the Captains smiled at Eirei’s modesty, something about Eirei caught their curiosity. Eirei however, was only focused on leaving as soon as possible.

Tsuyo: Tell me Eirei, have you heard about the recently new squad that’s been organized about three days ago?

Eirei: Yes, they’re called the Death-Squad. They’re the squad that will be dealing with assassinations, correct.

Tsuyo: Correct, and as you might already know, we haven’t been able to find a suitable captain for that squad, and we would like for you to be the official caption of the Death-Squad and lead assassinations in the name of Gunjukeiki Village! Will you accept?

Silence had befallen the entire room; there was not even the sound of a cricket being heard. At first, Eirei thought he was dreaming, because it was always his dream to become a captain and lead a squad. Slowly, Eirei straightened , looking General Tsuyo and the other captains in the eye. Finally, finally all his hard work had paid off and he would become a respected captain.

Eirei: I…accept.

Tsuyo: Then I now pronounce you as Captain Eirei Suwari. Now, go meet your squad, they should be in the third dojo outside.

It didn’t take to long for Eirei to reach the outside of the tower. Also, only a few minutes were spent changing into his new customized Captain’s uniform. Which was now a long white Kimono with blood-red flower designs all over it; he was also wearing his red, Captain Sash around his waist and red, wooden Geta. He was a little curious about what the squad would think about having a fourteen year old Captain. Still, it didn’t matter to Eirei, because he would not accept any insubordination from anyone serving under him.

Seisen: HEYYYY!!!!! Wait up Eirei!!!!!!

Eirei stopped and turned around to see Seisen land in front of him. The blonde seemed happier then usual; maybe it was because he was finally seeing his best friend become a Captain of a newly developed Squad. Seisen was three years older then Eirei and had known him since he was three; the two were very close friends to say the least.

Eirei: Oh, hello Sei-Chan (Chan is used for very close relationships that have lasted since childhood), have you come to walk me to the dojo?

Seisen: Well, I guess you could say that, but I also wanted to see the reactions of the squad when the see you and your appearance. After all, you’re the only ninja in the entire town who dresses so formally while on the job, you even attach honorific suffixes to everyone’s name that you know. How can you even leap in that Kimono, let alone run?

Eirei: I don’t know, it just came naturally I guess, and besides, it’s always better to fight feeling as comfortable as possible, and I feel comfortable wearing this, Captain Seisen Yuugi.

This caused Seisen to laugh; it was always like Eirei to give a good explanation in only a couple of words. Both boys finally reached the Dojo and Eirei slid open the large doors and walked in on to the arena. The Dojo was very huge and spacious; the area had training equipment and a good padded floor that was excellent for fighting on. The ceiling was also high enough to execute high jumps; it was perfect, but it would have been more enjoyable if it were not for the fifty ninja that were all around Eirei and Seisen. They were all just staring at him, only their eyes could be seen because of their uniforms and some of them looked like they were about to laugh.

Seisen: Good luck.

Eirei: Hopefully I won’t need it. …Hello everyone, I’m Eirei Suwari and I will be your Captain. First let me say that it is an honor to—

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, all the squad members begin to laugh hysterically, some even fell to the ground because they thought what was before them was too funny. A little teenager was being assigned to be their captain; they thought this must have been a joke. However, Eirei and Seisen didn’t find this funny one bit, in fact, if they kept on with their laughing, Eirei was about to make most of them start to cry instead.

Seisen: Be gentle, Eirei. You don’t want to rough up your new subordinates too much on the first day, do you? Since I’ll be watching the show, I’ll be willing to help if you need me in any way.

Eirei: As a matter of fact, I’m going to need help carrying some of them back to the hospital. So stick around for a while and watch carefully.

Death Ninja: What did you just say about taking us to hospital beds you little brat!?! When I’m done, I’ll send you to the hospital in a box!!

Eirei turned around to see a tall, muscular ninja standing in front of him with his arms crossed. It was obvious that this man was pissed, and he was not the type that liked to take insults without making action; his outburst even caused the other ninja to listen and see what was about to unfold. It was good timing too, Eirei needed a fight in order to warm-up for anyone else who thought he wasn’t worthy of being a Captain.

Eirei: Listen up everyone, I’m going to show you how I handle my light exercise, and if you don’t like the way I do things, then you can also challenge me!!! If their should be anyone in this room who has the guts to come up here after this man and defeat me, then I will resign as Captain.

This little statement put a smile across Seisen’s lips. He could already tell what was about to happen as Eirei turned back towards the giant who stood in front of him.

Death Ninja: I’m gonna make ground beef out of you kid!!!!

In a quick motion, the Death ninja steps forward and punches at a not-impressed Eirei. The punch was sluggish and it lacked the technique it needed to even graze the young Captain. So, quickly, Eirei sidesteps the ninja’s attack and looks at the extended arm without mercy.

Eirei: Ikkyo-First Technique!!!

Eirei grabs the ninja’s elbow with one hand and his wrist with the other and quickly leverages the giant to the ground and begins to apply pressure to his ulnar nerve; this nerve controls the muscles and tissue that runs from the elbow to the wrist. So one could easily see why the giant was screaming in agony.

Death Ninja: STOP, STOP IT HURTS! PLEASE STOP BEFORE YOU BREAK MY ARM!

Eirei: I haven’t even started yet…Nikyo-Second Technique!!!

Eirei then twists the ninja’s wrist into an adductive wrist lock that torques the arm and applies painful nerve pressure; causing ulnar deviation which forces the giant on his stomach in order to lessen the pain. Most of the other ninja in the room were completely shocked; some of them were even starting to believe that this boy was a Captain.

Eirei: That was only #2 of the thirteen common arts of Aikido…shall I continue with the next eleven?

Death Ninja: NO, NO PLEASE STOP! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!

Eirei: [I]Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it! Kaitennage- Rotation Throw!

What are you trying to say here? It's a little confusing.


With a final tug, Eirei sweeps the Ninja’s arm backwards until his shoulder joint is locked; the young Captain then uses the forward pressure to throw the giant through the wall of the Dojo. The whole Dojo was silent except for Seisen who was laughing so hard he hit the floor. All the other Ninja were silent.

Eirei: Does anyone else think that I’m not worthy to wear this sash, if so please stand up here…and show me what you’ve got!!!!

Within the next five seconds, another ninja was in the ring in his fighting stance, he must have been related to that other ninja somehow.

Death Ninja 2: That was my friend you just beat up you punk; I will avenge him!!!!

Quickly, the ninja whips out two swords and runs towards Eirei at top speed. Eirei was starting to get sick of all this rebellious action; he was going to make sure that this ninja got twice the punishment of the last. The ninja swung at the boy with both swords, but before the ninja even knew it; his swords were flying through the air and into a wall. When he looked back at Eirei he saw the boy wielding two Tessen (Iron Japanese war fans); these Tessen were of pure iron and had ten ribs on each one.

Eirei: Good night…Shōmen'uchi- front-face-strike!!!!

Eirei possessions the fan in striking formation and jabs the ninja’s forehead; causing him to hit the ground in a heap. As he lay motionless on the floor with foam spurting from his mouth, Eirei walks on his body like a doormat and stares at the rest of the Ninja. This little spectacle had changed his entire attitude towards the Death-Squad.

Eirei (coldly): Listen to me well, because I promise you that I will not repeat myself. At this moment and from now on, you are to refer to me as either Captain Suwari, Suwari-sama (Sama is when referring to someone with great respect who is higher in rank; slightly less formal the Ue), Suwari-Kyoshi (Kyoshi refers to a master instructor), or Eirei-Kakka (Kakka means, “Your Excellency”). If anyone refers to me as something else, then you will end up like the man that I am standing on at this moment, cracked skull and all!! The General has given me control over all of you; when I say “Jump”, you say, “How High?”. You are all soldiers under my command; if I sense the slightest bit of rebelliousness, a tiny bit of disrespect, or any hesitation to my commands, then I will stamp it out…permanently!! Are there anymore rebellious fighters who still don’t think I can be a good captain?

The entire room was silent; who wouldn’t be after that intense speech. Even Seisen was in a serious mode, and the lecture wasn’t even directed towards him. The ninja were now realizing what they were dealing with, a full-fledged captain who would be beyond the level of pissed if he were disobeyed.

Eirei: Now, go and get some rest, you have a long day ahead of you tomorrow. Training will be from 6:00am to 12:00pm; if anyone is late, then I’ll double the time. Also, tell the two men that I knocked out earlier that I want a five page report on the nerves and bones I damaged in their bodies and that I want it on my desk by 3:00pm tomorrow. By the way men, remember that a word spoken fitly is like apples of gold, in pictures of silver.

Entire Death-Squad (saluting): Good night, Captain Suwari, sir!!!!!!!!!!
A little confusing at how the plot went. But great work!
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Old 12-26-2007, 05:20 AM View Post #7 (Link)
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-Crit ticket- This looks really interesting, I don't know how I missed it before...!
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Old 12-27-2007, 02:23 AM View Post #8 (Link)
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I especially like the protagonist's spunk...
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Old 12-28-2007, 01:45 AM View Post #9 (Link)
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Originally Posted by Zaphkiel View Post
Chapter 1
Eirei Suwari, Captain of the Death-Squad!!!!
The youngest yet Deadliest Captain of Gunjukeiki Village!!

Sorry it took me so long to crit this Zaphy!

It was a cloudy, dark, yet warm day in Gunjukeiki Village and the clock was just about to strike noon. Eirei Suwari, gracefully leaping rooftops for his afternoon exercise, was just about ready to go to the meeting that the village General had called him to. He was never called by the General before so he was a little excited to say the least. Alas, he continued to leap, his shoulder length, indigo hair flowing in the wind behind him; this being a rare sight to see in his village. However, that wasn’t the only thing strange about Eirei; his fashion sense could also be considered out of the norm when it came to being a ninja. He liked to wear Kimonos, and today he was wearing a long, dark blue one with red dragon embroidery around the shins, thighs, torso, back, and chest. Along with that he wore a blood red obi (sash) around his waist and Geta (wooden sandals) on his feet. He never wore socks with his Geta; it always felt weird to him. He was the only ninja in town who dressed so formally, even on missions. Good begining paragraph, although it might need to be a bit more exciting to keep the reader reading.

The town seemed as dull as usual, the color of the buildings ranging from grey, white, teal, pale blue, and lavender to bluish-grey. Yet the villagers seemed as happy as usual [you used as usual twice, so how about "as always"] , even though Gunjukeiki was in the midst of a war with the Teneiki Village. The war has lasted for about a year so far, but that was the only thing Eirei knew about it; he was hoping to find out more during this so-called meeting. He began to see the tall, grey tower where the meeting was supposedly held; its tall figure nearly touching the dark clouds. When he landed in front of the doors, he nearly made the two guards stationed there jump out of their skin. Most of the village soldiers and guards wore black and grey, form-fitting uniforms that only gave a visual of the wearer’s eyes, but these two weren’t wearing their masks. One’s name [One's name seems adrupt and incomplete, how about: One was named, or, The first one's namewas Himoto, who was a tall figure with dark hair and eyes, [I think you can end the sentence here as Himoto and Enko's looks aren't related to each other] and the other was Enko, who was just as tall and had red, long hair and green eyes, both were males in their twenties.

Eirei: Good after noon, Himoto-kun (Kun is used when referring to close male friends), Enko-kun. I hope I wasn’t called here under unworthy circumstances.

Himoto: Oh, Eirei-kun, it’s wonderful to see you also, and trust me, you were called here under good terms!!!! [Zaphy, I went through the exclamation lecture enough!]

Enko: You’re way too happy at this part of the day, and besides, why be so happy over something that was bound to happen sooner or later.

Himoto: Oh, just ignore him Eirei-kun; now, please follow me upstairs, everyone is waiting.

The dialogue was realistic, good job

The two guards began to lead Eirei upstairs, bickering the entire time about things like, the difference between shrimp and crawfish. The argument was starting to wear down Eirei’s patience, but things like this ran in his family. [Everything after this point in the pargraph seems irrelevant] Eirei was born into the Suwari-clan, who was known for the proficiency in the martial art known as Aikido. This art has no offensive moves; instead, it uses the enemy’s force against themselves.

Eirei mastered this art at the age of six, then went and studied Tessenjutsu, the art of fighting with Japanese war fans, which he mastered at age nine. For more skills, Eirei learned the art of Shurikenjutsu, the art of blade throwing, which he mastered at the age of eleven. After all these studies, he went and mastered other ninja arts until he was fourteen, the age he is now. Good...nothing exciting though, a little bit of an infodump.

However, over that long period of time, he participated in A-class and S-class missions, which drastically helped in previous wars. He began to think that maybe he was being called in order to be congratulated for his work, but before he new it, he was in front of the huge double doors that led inside the council room. As they began to slide open, Himoto shoved him in and closed the door from behind with a smile. The room was very large and the floors and walls were made of shiny, mahogany wood and there were paintings of different types of scenery on the walls, such as spring, winter, war, fall, rivers, etc [maybe "and such" would work better] .

In the middle of the room were seven figures, he recognized them all as captains. Captains were the hearts of [ it should be either "a village's" or "the village's"] village’s military, and were extremely powerful. Each captain had a special element; even Eirei had one, which was wind. It took agonizing and brutal training in order to get one. However, two of the captains he knew very closely; one was his stoic, no-nonsense older brother who never really paid any attention to Eirei, whose name was Ottori. His dark indigo hair was longer then Eirei’s, but he had the same purple eyes; Ottori was a master at Sojutsu, the art of using the Japanese spear known as the Yari. The other captain was his best friend and long time rival, Seisen; who had a jolly personality and was always there to cheer Eirei up…even when he didn’t need or want it. Some could say that Seisen was just a very hyper blonde, which he was. I loved that line, brilliant discription.

However [I don't see why you should start with "However"] Seisen was a highly skilled warrior who mastered Kenjutsu, the sword art. Seisen was known as the Daisho Warrior; this was because he used the katana and the wakizashi (side-arm sword) as one when fighting, and together the two were known as Daisho- Long and small. Seisen and Ottori were wearing there their traditional captain uniforms, which were silver ninja outfits with a red sash that wrapped around the waist, as were the other captains.

Eirei noticed the other four captains, Rei, Gakko, Jibeta, and Inazu were also in the room along with the General, known as Tsuyo. Rei was the captain of the Archer-Squad; she had long black hair and crimson eyes that were as fiery as the depths of hell itself[STRIKE]… [/STRIKE] ,just like her temper. Gakko was the captain of the villages Medical-Squad; his hair was as blue as the sea, which matched well with his emerald eyes[STRIKE]…[/STRIKE] ,his personality was quite serene. Jibeta was the most muscular out of the captains, he controlled the Bomb-squad; his bald head shined like the moon and his pride was as big as his muscles cute line there!. Inazu was the captain of the Espionage-Squad; his hair was as white as lightning but his mind was just as quick. Seisen, his best friend, was the captain of the Scout-Squad and Ottori, his older brother, of the Destruction-Squad. Last but most definitely not least was General Tsuyo, the overseer of Gunjukeiki’s entire army; his golden eyes and hair were his most distinguishing features and his wisdom was great. Seeing that all these great people were staring Eirei down made the bluenette
[haha, nice one]
feel a little uneasy; at this point he was hoping that they would say what the had to say so he could leave. [STRIKE]Slowing [/STRIKE] Slowly getting to his knees, Eirei gave a respective bow to the high-ranking [STRIKE]officers[/STRIKE]
captains that stood before him, causing his indigo locks to fall to the sides of his face.

Eirei: Tsuyo-ue, (Ue donates a high level of respect to those above one’s self) to what do I owe this pleasant yet unexpected call? Is there some type of mission that you would like for me to complete?

General Tsuyo smiled at this; he was glad to see that the children these days hadn’t forgotten their manners, even those with as much skill as Eirei. He gave Eirei the gesture to stand up which the boy immediately followed. The general stared Eirei down, as if he were looking for some type of movement of the boy to make, but there was no movement in Eirei; he stayed as calm as the wind on a summer day. calmm as the wind on a summer day...wow...another great similie.

Tsuyo: Eirei Suwari, you are a member of the highly respected Suwari-Clan, you mastered the art known as Aikido at an early age, you also mastered Tessenjutsu, the art of the Japanese war fan, and Shurikenjutsu, the art of blade throwing. You were able to obtain the power of the element known as wind, and became highly skilled at it. Not to mention that you mastered eleven of the eighteen ninja disciplines; your file also mentions that you’ve completed twelve S-class missions, fifteen A-class, ten B-class, and 13 C-class missions without fail. All together, this equals 50/50 missions completed with very minimum injury. You are a 9th degree ninja when one needs to be a 7th degree to become a captain. For all your hard work and accomplishments, we congratulate you. It's a little odd that Eirei seems to have no flaws...

Eirei knew for a fact that they would be calling him here for his hard work, it was without a doubt. However, what he couldn’t figure out was why all six captains and the general needed to be here to tell him this. Maybe he was here for a mission after all.

Eirei: Thank you, Tsuyo-ue, but I’m only doing what it takes to serve my village and its inhabitants. There’s no need to thank me.

A few of the Captains smiled at Eirei’s modesty, something about Eirei caught their curiosity. Eirei however, was only focused on leaving as soon as possible.

Tsuyo: Tell me Eirei, have you heard about the recently new squad that’s been organized about three days ago? Interesting...

Eirei: Yes, they’re called the Death-Squad. They’re the squad that will be dealing with assassinations, correct. The period (?) should be a question mark (?).

Tsuyo: Correct, and as you might already know, we haven’t been able to find a suitable captain for that squad, and we would like for you to be the official caption of the Death-Squad and lead assassinations in the name of Gunjukeiki Village! [no need for the exclamation mark (!)] Will you accept?

Silence had befallen the entire room; there was not even the sound of a cricket being heard. At first, Eirei thought he was dreaming, because it was always his dream to become a captain and lead a squad. Slowly, Eirei straightened , looking General Tsuyo and the other captains in the eye. Finally, finally all his hard work had paid off and he would become a respected captain.

Eirei: I…accept.

Tsuyo: Then I now pronounce you as Captain Eirei Suwari. Now, go meet your squad, they should be in the third dojo outside.

Great scene there, but now you should bring in some excitement, because you don't want the reader to get bored.

It didn’t take top long for Eirei to reach the outside of the tower. Also, only a few minutes were spent changing into his new, customized Captain’s uniform. Which was now a long white Kimono with blood-red flower designs all over it; he was also wearing his red, Captain Sash around his waist and red, wooden Geta. He was a little curious about what the squad would think about having a fourteen year old Captain. Still, it didn’t matter to Eirei, because he would not accept any insubordination from anyone serving under him.

Seisen: HEYYYY!!!!! Wait up Eirei!!!!!! [here we go again. This !!!!!!!!! is absoloutely unnecessary, one is the maximum, you can maybe use two if you're describing something REALLY extreme]

Eirei stopped and turned around to see Seisen land in front of him. The blonde seemed happier then usual; maybe it was because he was finally seeing his best friend become a Captain of a newly developed Squad. Seisen was three years older [STRIKE]then[/STRIKE] than Eirei and had known him since he was three; the two were very close friends to say the least.

Eirei: Oh, hello Sei-Chan (Chan is used for very close relationships that have lasted since childhood), have you come to walk me to the dojo?

Seisen: Well, I guess you could say that, but I also wanted to see the reactions of the squad when they see you and your appearance. After all, you’re the only ninja in the entire town who dresses so formally while on the job, you even attach honorific suffixes to everyone’s name that you know. How can you even leap in that Kimono, let alone run? Realistic dialogue.

Eirei: I don’t know, it just[STRIKE] came[/STRIKE] comes naturally I guess, and besides, it’s always better to fight feeling as comfortable as possible, and I feel comfortable wearing this, Captain Seisen Yuugi.

This caused Seisen to laugh; it was always like Eirei to give a good explanation in only a couple of words. Both boys finally reached the Dojo [sometimes you capitilize Dojo and sometimes you don't...becareful of continuesy] and Eirei slid open the large doors and walked in on to the arena. The Dojo was very huge and spacious; the area had training equipment and a good padded floor that was excellent for fighting on. The ceiling was also high enough to execute high jumps; it was perfect, but it would have been more enjoyable if it were not for the fifty ninjas that were all around Eirei and Seisen. They were all just staring at him, only their eyes could be seen because of their uniforms and some of them looked like they were about to laugh.

Seisen: Good luck.

Eirei: Hopefully I won’t need it. …Hello everyone, I’m Eirei Suwari and I will be your Captain. First let me say that it is an honor to—

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, all the squad members begin to laugh hysterically, some even fell to the ground because they thought what was before them was too funny. A little teenager was being assigned to be their captain; they thought this must have been a joke. However, Eirei and Seisen didn’t find this funny one bit, in fact, if they kept on with their laughing, Eirei was about to make most of them start to cry instead. Harsh, I like the last line.

Seisen: Be gentle, Eirei. You don’t want to rough up your new subordinates too much on the first day, do you? Since I’ll be watching the show, I’ll be willing to help, if you need me in any way.

Eirei: As a matter of fact, I’m going to need help carrying some of them back to the hospital. So stick around for a while and watch carefully.

Death Ninja: What did you just say about taking us to hospital beds you little brat!?! [no!no! Stop with the exclamation marks! I beg of you; )] When I’m done, I’ll send you to the hospital in a box!!

Eirei turned around to see a tall, muscular ninja standing in front of him with his arms crossed. It was obvious that this man was pissed, and he was not the type that liked to take insults without making action; his outburst even caused the other ninja to listen and see what was about to unfold. It was good timing too, Eirei needed a fight in order to warm-up for anyone else who thought he wasn’t worthy of being a Captain.

Eirei: Listen up everyone, I’m going to show you how I handle my light exercise, and if you don’t like the way I do things, then you can also challenge me![STRIKE]!! [/STRIKE]If their should be anyone in this room who has the guts to come up here after this man and defeat me, then I will resign as Captain.

This little statement put a smile across Seisen’s lips. He could already tell what was about to happen as Eirei turned back towards the giant who stood in front of him.I like how used the word giabt.

Death Ninja: I’m gonna make ground beef out of you kid![STRIKE]!!![/STRIKE]

In a quick motion, the Death ninja steps forward and punches at a not-impressed Eirei. The punch was sluggish and it lacked the technique it needed to even graze the young Captain. So, quickly, Eirei sidesteps the ninja’s attack and looks at the extended arm without mercy.

Eirei: Ikkyo-First Technique![STRIKE]!![/STRIKE]

Eirei grabs the ninja’s elbow with one hand and his wrist with the other and quickly leverages the giant to the ground and begins to apply pressure to his ulnar nerve; this nerve controls the muscles and tissue that runs from the elbow to the wrist. So one could easily see why the giant was screaming in agony. Ouch. Good descriptions once more!

Death Ninja: STOP, STOP IT HURTS! PLEASE STOP BEFORE YOU BREAK MY ARM!

Eirei: I haven’t even started yet…Nikyo-Second Technique![STRIKE]!![/STRIKE]

Eirei then twists the ninja’s wrist into an adductive wrist lock that torques the arm and applies painful nerve pressure; causing ulnar deviation which forces the giant on his stomach in order to lessen the pain. Most of the other ninja in the room [STRIKE]were[/STRIKE] are completely shocked; some of them [STRIKE]were[/STRIKE] are even starting to believe that this boy [STRIKE]was[/STRIKE] is a Captain.

Eirei: That was only #2 of the thirteen common arts of Aikido…shall I continue with the next eleven?

Death Ninja: NO, NO PLEASE STOP! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!

Eirei: Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it! Kaitennage- Rotation Throw! Ack. That line was super-uper cheesy. Replace it, please.

With a final tug, Eirei sweeps the [STRIKE]Ninja’s[/STRIKE] ninjas's arm backwards until his shoulder joint is locked; the young Captain then uses the forward pressure to throw the giant through the wall of the Dojo. The whole Dojo was silent except for Seisen who was laughing so hard he hit the floor. All the other Ninja [you have to either capitalize ninja all the time or not at all] were silent.

Eirei: Does anyone else think that I’m not worthy to wear this sash[STRIKE],[/STRIKE]? [STRIKE]if [/STRIKE] If so please stand up here…and show me what you’ve got![STRIKE]!!![/STRIKE]

Within the next five seconds, another ninja was in the ring in his fighting stance, he must have been related to that other ninja somehow.

Death Ninja 2: That was my friend you just beat up, you punk; I will avenge him![STRIKE]!!![/STRIKE]

Quickly, the ninja whips out two swords and runs towards Eirei at top speed. Eirei was starting to get sick of all this rebellious action; he was going to make sure that this ninja got twice the punishment of the last. The ninja swung at the boy with both swords, but before the ninja even knew it; his swords were flying through the air and into a wall. When he looked back at Eirei he saw the boy wielding two Tessen (Iron Japanese war fans); these Tessen were of pure iron and had ten ribs on each one.

Eirei: Good night…Shōmen'uchi- front-face-strike![STRIKE]!!![/STRIKE]

Eirei possessions the fan in striking formation and jabs the ninja’s forehead; causing him to hit the ground in a heap. As he lay motionless on the floor with foam spurting from his mouth, Eirei walks on his body like a doormat and stares at the rest of the Ninja. This little spectacle had changed his entire attitude towards the Death-Squad. Interesting...it got a little repetitive near the end though.

Eirei (coldly): Listen to me well, because I promise you that I will not repeat myself. At this moment and from now on, you are to refer to me as either Captain Suwari, Suwari-sama (Sama is when referring to someone with great respect who is higher in rank; slightly less formal the Ue), Suwari-Kyoshi (Kyoshi refers to a master instructor), or Eirei-Kakka (Kakka means, “Your Excellency”). If anyone refers to me as something else, then you will end up like the man that I am standing on at this moment, cracked skull and all![STRIKE]![/STRIKE] The General has given me control over all of you; when I say “Jump”, you say, “How High?”Nice expression. You are all soldiers under my command; if I sense the slightest bit of rebelliousness, a tiny bit of disrespect, or any hesitation to my commands, then I will stamp it out…permanently![STRIKE]![/STRIKE] Are there anymore rebellious fighters who still don’t think I can be a good captain?

The entire room was silent; who wouldn’t be after that intense speech. Even Seisen was in a serious mode, and the lecture wasn’t even directed towards him. The ninja were now realizing what they were dealing with, a full-fledged captain who would be beyond the level of pissed if he were disobeyed.

Eirei: Now, go and get some rest, you have a long day ahead of you tomorrow. Training will be from 6:00am to 12:00pm; if anyone is late, then I’ll double the time. Also, tell the two men that I knocked out earlier that I want a five page report on the nerves and bones I damaged in their bodies and that I want it on my desk by 3:00pm tomorrow [he has an office? Isn't that a little unrealistic?]. By the way men, remember that a word spoken fitly is like apples of gold, in pictures of silver. Cool line, but irrelevant.

Entire Death-Squad (saluting): Good night, Captain Suwari, sir![STRIKE]!!!!!!!!!![/STRIKE] [this part is kind of flawed, because sir wasn't one of the things they could address him as]
Wow great job Zaphy! This was good, I lost my interest at times, but it was a cool new styl. It needs a bit of work though, and you definately need to get rid of all the excessive exclamation marks(!). Other than that, really good writing Zaphy.
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Originally Posted by Diocletian View Post
What I don't like about this site is that there isn't enough social drama.
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Old 12-28-2007, 02:47 AM View Post #10 (Link)
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Thank you, I understand what you mean when you said it bored you. I guess I did use a little info dumping here and there. I wrote this two years ago, so I'm more experienced now.^_^ Thanks for the crit Nyx!
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