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Old 08-17-2009, 10:02 PM View Post #1 (Link) Praying for swift flight.
MattCKT (Offline)
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This is something I wrote a while back, I recently found it on my laptop and quite liked it so thought I'd post it here to see how it stacks up. Any comments, criticism and suggestions shall really be appreciated! Here we go:

A cool wind rustled the branches of overhanging trees as the two sat side by side listening to the gentle current of glittering water. Kisses of iridescent starlight left slivers of silver upon the flow that continually passed the watchers, renewing its riches with each slow rotation of the earth towards the stars.

He turned his head to look at her. Shadows flickered across half her face whilst the other languidly beautified the silver light. His finger-tips touched hers softly and he traced his fingers in delicate circles across the back of her small hand. Their eyes met with special understanding, the kind so certain it conveyed as undeniable a truth as that two and two is four. A word rose in the man’s throat, borne upwards by the fires of this understanding, a single articulation of the universe that exploded before them- yet his lips could not condemn such beauty to definition.
“Do you remember the last time we were here?” the girl asked.
“Yeah, I do. Last summer right?”
The girl nodded, looking out across the water before asking “it’s weird how much has changed isn’t it? I mean, I hardly knew you back then. It was just a casual ‘hi’ in the corridor followed by a little glance back when I knew you were looking away. But then after that night…” He looked at her as she paused a while. “Do you remember it?”
“Of course I do yeah. We’d all been out in town, like the big group of us, and then I asked to walk you home. Still have no idea where that came from.”
“Well, either way I’m glad you did. And then we ended up here and just sat and talked about everything. I feel like I learnt more about you in that night than I could after years of knowing some other people. It’s just weird to think that ever since then while people, people I’ve known for years, have faded away you’ve stayed, grown closer.”
“I know, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“I, I’m scared though Mike. How many more summers like that could there be? There can be only so many stars in the sky, only so much music we can dance to then… that’s it, our best years have gone and there’s nothing we can do to recreate them.”
“Well then,” he lightly reached out and turned her head so that they were looking directly into each other, “we’ll just have to keep dancing for as long as we can.”

Touching the girl’s hand, Mike kissed away her crystal tears. They sat holding each other, the silence between them more profound than any of the preceding words or thoughts could be. It was a rare silence, the kind that only emerges where there’s an understanding that words are inadequate to fill its space, where to breathe sentences is to suffocate its beauty. Not the intrinsic beauty of refined jewellery or Monet watercolours but that which can only exist between two people, an external point of intangible brilliance fixed in neither time nor space.

They held each other for a while, Mike listening only to the ticking of the their hearts as they rhythmically suspended the silence.
“I’ve really got to go,” the girl said, pulling her head back from Mike’s shoulder to look at him.
“Ow, not now, this moment is so…”
“Perfect. I know Mike. But tonight has to end at some point.” He watched her smile and felt his involuntary lips do the same.
“Yeah I know it does, but I wish it didn’t.”
“Me too, but you can’t keep things like this in a vacuum. We’ve had tonight and its been great. That’s enough for me.”
“Oh, don’t start on your thing about the finite nature of perfection and all again.” Mike knew she’d smile at this. She had this rare smile, the kind that curls right up to the cheekbones and inspires the whole face to smile with it, to contribute further to its radiance. That smile could charm the world. No, Mike corrected, that was her eyes too.
“Don’t worry I’m not going to. Besides, my lift’s waiting for me so I wouldn’t have the time.”
“Tell your Dad he saved me then,” Mike said. She smiled and their laughter gently tumbled throughout the air around them, dancing criss-cross over the water to meet with the starlight.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said. Still looking at her, he felt his hand being reassuringly squeezed. They kissed each other softly.
“Want me to walk you or anything?”
“No, it’s fine,” she replied. “See you tomorrow Mike.”
They kissed again.
“See you tomorrow.”

Mike watched her slip away into the darkness. He sat and watched that moment fade, the passing of each deathly second dragging it kicking and screaming out of the present and into the past. The beauty was extracted leaving only flickering grey shadows to clutch to; phantoms haunting that graveyard called memory. The burning in his chest cooled as the night became cold around him. ‘How’ve I seen it put before?’ he thought, ‘“wanting fiercely to paint her, to set her down now, as she was, as with each second she could never be again.” Something like that. But I think even Fitzgerald had it wrong, missed the point. Sure, tonight has gone, but she’ll remain beautiful tomorrow and the day after, and even though that moment is lost to time I know there will be other moments and more moments still and each one as perfect as the last.’

- Just then Mike heard the short high notes of swallow-song coruscate throughout the night. He turned his head towards the source of these fresh disturbances in the air. The bird was soaring upwards through the starlight singing beautifully for nothing more than the attention of the silent observers above it that shone their applause from infinitesimal distance. It swiftly descended towards earth on its return-flight and cleanly landed a few yards short of Mike’s left. He looked at it a moment, confident now that other perfections too could find their way home.
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Old 08-17-2009, 11:49 PM View Post #2 (Link)
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Originally Posted by MattCKT View Post
This is something I wrote a while back, I recently found it on my laptop and quite liked it so thought I'd post it here to see how it stacks up. Any comments, criticism and suggestions shall really be appreciated! Here we go:

A cool wind rustled the branches of the? overhanging trees as the two sat side by side listening to the gentle current of glittering water. Kisses of iridescent starlight left slivers of silver I see what you're trying to do with "slivers of silver", but you should be careful not to have two words that sound so similar in the same sentence. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's jarring me from the story. upon the flow that continually passed the watchers, renewing its riches with each slow rotation of the earth towards the stars. Interesting beginning. The imagery draws me in. Nice.

He turned his head to look at her. Shadows flickered across half her face whilst the other the other what? the other half of her face? languidly beautified the silver light. His finger-tips touched hers softly and he traced his fingers in delicate circles across the back of her small hand. Their eyes met with special understanding, the kind so certain it conveyed as undeniable a truth as that two and two is four. Again, I understand what you are trying to do here, but you should reword that last part, beginning with "as" and ending with "four". A word rose in the man’s Man or boy? You continue to refer to his partner as a "girl", so one would assume he is a boy, no? throat, borne upwards by the fires of this understanding, a single articulation of the universe that exploded before them- yet his lips could not condemn such beauty to definition.
“Do you remember the last time we were here?” the girl asked.
“Yeah, I do. Last summer comma right?”
The girl nodded, looking out across the water before asking comma “it’s capitalize "It's". weird how much has changed comma isn’t it? I mean, I hardly knew you back then. It was just a casual ‘hi’ in the corridor followed by a little glance back comma? when I knew you were looking away. But [STRIKE]then[/STRIKE] after that night…” He looked at her as she paused a while. “Do you remember it?”
“Of course I do comma yeah. We’d all been out in town, like the big group of us, and then I asked to walk you home. Still have no idea where that came from.”
“Well, either way I’m glad you did. And then we ended up here and just sat and talked about everything. I feel like I learnt more about you in that night than I could after years of knowing some other people. It’s just weird to think that ever since then comma while [STRIKE]people,[/STRIKE] people I’ve known for years, no comma have faded away comma you’ve stayed, grown closer.”
“I know, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“I, I’m scared though comma Mike. How many more summers like that could there be? There can be only so many stars in the sky, only so much music we can dance to comma then… that’s it, our best years have gone and there’s nothing we can do to recreate them.”
“Well then,” he lightly reached out and turned her head so that they were looking directly into at? each other, “we’ll just have to keep dancing for as long as we can.”

Touching the girl’s hand, Mike kissed away her crystal tears. They sat holding each other, the silence between them more profound than any of the preceding words or thoughts could be. It was a rare silence, the kind that only emerges where there’s an understanding that words are inadequate to fill its space, This sentence sounds awkward. Reword it slightly. where to breathe sentences is to suffocate its beauty. Not the intrinsic beauty of refined jewellery or Monet watercolours comma but that which can only exist between two people, an external point of intangible brilliance fixed in neither time nor space. This was beautiful, but you should re-read it carefully. This type of writing requires a lot more flow between words. Make sure to read this to yourself as you type. It helps.

They held each other for a while, Mike listening only to the ticking Ticking? Do hearts tick? of [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] their hearts as they rhythmically suspended the silence.
“I’ve really got to go,” the girl said, Does this girl ever get a name? pulling her head back from Mike’s shoulder to look at him.
“Ow, "Ow" or "Oh"? not now, this moment is so…”
“Perfect. I know comma Mike. But tonight has to end at some point.” He watched her smile and felt his involuntary lips his lips aren't involuntary. The motion of his lips are. do the same.
“Yeah comma I know it does, but I wish it didn’t.”
“Me too, but you can’t keep things like this in a vacuum. A vacuum? What do you mean by this? It doesn't seem to fit here at all. We’ve had tonight and its been great. That’s enough for me.”
“Oh, don’t start on your thing about the finite nature of perfection [STRIKE]and all[/STRIKE] again.” Mike knew she’d smile at this. She had this rare smile, the kind that curls right up to the cheekbones and inspires the whole face to smile with it, to contribute further to its radiance. That smile could charm the world. No, Mike corrected, that was her eyes comma too.
“Don’t worry comma I’m not going to. Besides, my lift’s waiting for me so I wouldn’t have the time.”
“Tell your Dad he saved me then,” Mike said. She smiled and their laughter gently tumbled throughout the air around them, dancing criss-cross over the water to meet with the starlight.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said. Still looking at her, he felt his hand being reassuringly squeezed. They kissed each other softly.
“Want me to walk you or anything?”
“No, it’s fine,” she replied. “See you tomorrow comma Mike.”
They kissed again.
“See you tomorrow.”

Mike watched her slip away into the darkness. He sat and watched that moment fade, the passing of each deathly second dragging it kicking and screaming out of the present and into the past. Once again, I see what you are trying to do here, but you need to reword it or add punctuation, because it sounds awkward. The beauty was extracted comma leaving only flickering grey shadows to clutch [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE]; phantoms haunting that graveyard called memory. The burning in his chest cooled as the night became cold around him. ‘How’ve I seen it put before?’ he thought Italicize his thoughts, it helps to distinguish the quote, ‘“wanting fiercely to paint her, to set her down now, as she was, as with each second she could never be again.” Something like that. But I think even Fitzgerald had it wrong, missed the point. Sure, tonight has gone, but she’ll remain beautiful tomorrow and the day after, and even though that moment is lost to time comma I know there will be other moments and more moments still and each one as perfect as the last.’ This entire section should be italicized, I think. Either that, or the quote should be italicized. One of the two.

- Just then comma Mike heard the short high notes of swallow-song coruscate throughout the night. He turned his head towards the source of these fresh disturbances in the air. The bird was soaring upwards through the starlight comma singing beautifully for nothing more than the attention of the silent observers above it that shone their applause from an? infinitesimal distance. It swiftly descended towards earth on its return-flight and cleanly landed a few yards short of Mike’s left. He looked at it a moment, confident now that other perfections comma too comma could find their way home.
Hullo, Matt. Overall, this was beautifully written, poetic. I'm not one for poetry, which made this critique rather daunting, but I plowed on anyway. The errors were just mild grammar mistakes. However, certain pieces of the work should be re-read and revised. My advice to you: when you are about to type an articulate description, read it as you type. Then, when you have finished, read it again, carefully. Go over it in your mind. Study the flow. Again, I don't know much about poetry, so that's all I can give you. I'm not sure if you do this already. The storyline is brief and simple, and the dialogue was rather vague, concerning Mike and his girlfriend's friends, family, and the "people" that she continually speaks of. Is there a reason why the girl has no name? It would've been acceptable if Mike hadn't had a name, either, but if one has a name, so should the other. Other than that, well done. I'm sure someone else could give you a more in-depth critique, but hey, I tried.
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Old 08-17-2009, 11:56 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
MattCKT (Offline)
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Thanks very much for the crit, I shall give it a rewrite tomorrow morning anytime you'd like the crit returned just ask and I shall do my best!
As I said its a little bit old so I just posted it without checking out the grammar, which was probably a bad idea. And, just to explain, the character, plot, etc is a bit short on the ground because I originally wrote it as a birthday piece for a friend and it depicted a bit of our history... but I got cold feet about giving it to her! I'm now thinking I could draw it out into something more substantial though and actually give these characters a history on the page too
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Old 08-18-2009, 12:03 AM View Post #4 (Link)
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Originally Posted by MattCKT View Post
Thanks very much for the crit, I shall give it a rewrite tomorrow morning anytime you'd like the crit returned just ask and I shall do my best!
As I said its a little bit old so I just posted it without checking out the grammar, which was probably a bad idea. And, just to explain, the character, plot, etc is a bit short on the ground because I originally wrote it as a birthday piece for a friend and it depicted a bit of our history... but I got cold feet about giving it to her! I'm now thinking I could draw it out into something more substantial though and actually give these characters a history on the page too
Go for it. It would make a lovely story, or even a novel.
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Old 08-24-2009, 12:34 AM View Post #5 (Link)
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Originally Posted by MattCKT View Post
This is something I wrote a while back, I recently found it on my laptop and quite liked it so thought I'd post it here to see how it stacks up. Any comments, criticism and suggestions shall really be appreciated! Here we go:

A cool wind rustled the branches of overhanging trees Overhanging trees or branches? as the two sat side by side listening to the gentle current of glittering water Take out an adjective or too, or revise the sentence. It's a fairly good description, but this sentence feels like overkill.. Kisses of iridescent starlight left slivers of silver upon the flow that continually passed the watchers, renewing its riches with each slow rotation of the earth towards the stars. Okay, you've got one of the same problems I do: wordiness. I like this line, but it also feels off, it's a mouth full. ;

He turned his head to look at her. Who is he? You never said it was two men, a man and a woman, two women, etc. So the "he" is almost surprising and it breaks the flow. Shadows flickered across half her face whilst the other languidly beautified the silver light I think you can simply this part ;. His finger-tips touched hers softly and he traced his fingers in delicate circles across the back of her small hand. Their eyes met with special understanding, the kind so certain it conveyed as undeniable a truth as that two and two is four I had to read this about three times - the last outloud, to completely understand the sentence.. A word rose in the man’s throat, borne upwards by the fires of this understanding, a single articulation of the universe that exploded before them- yet his lips could not condemn such beauty to definition.
“Do you remember the last time we were here?” the girl asked.
“Yeah, I do. Last summer right?” The "right" sounds out of place
The girl nodded, looking out across the water before asking “[strike]i[/strike]It’s weird how much has changed isn’t it? I mean, I hardly knew you back then. It was just a casual ‘hi’ in the corridor followed by a little glance back when I knew you were looking away. But then after that night…” He looked at her as she paused a while. “Do you remember it?”
Yeah comma o[strike]O[/strike]f course I do [strike]yeah[/strike]. We’d all been out in town, like the big group of us, and then I asked to walk you home. Still have no idea where that came from.”
“Well, either way I’m glad you did. And then we ended up here and just sat and talked about everything. I feel like I learnt more about you in that night than I could after years of knowing some other people. It’s just weird to think that ever since then while people, people I’ve known for years, have faded away you’ve stayed, grown closer.”
“I know, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“I, I’m scared though comma Mike. How many more summers like that could there be? There can be only so many stars in the sky, only so much music we can dance to then… that’s it, our best years have gone and there’s nothing we can do to recreate them.”
“Well then,” he lightly reached out and turned her head so that they were looking directly into each other, “we’ll just have to keep dancing for as long as we can.”

Touching the girl’s hand, Mike kissed away her crystal tears. They sat holding each other, the silence comma between them more profound than any of the preceding words or thoughts could be. It was a rare silence, the kind that only emerges where there’s an understanding [strike]that[/strike]where? words are inadequate to fill its space, where to breathe sentences is to suffocate its beauty. Not the intrinsic beauty of refined jewellery or Monet watercolours but that which can only exist between two people, an external point of intangible brilliance fixed in neither time nor space.

They held each other for a while, Mike listening only to the ticking of the their hearts as they rhythmically suspended the silence.
“I’ve really got to go,” the girl said, pulling her head back from Mike’s shoulder to look at him.
“Ow, not now, this moment is so…”
“Perfect. I know Mike. But tonight has to end at some point.” He watched her smile and felt his involuntary lips do the same.
“Yeah I know it does, but I wish it didn’t.”
“Me too, but you can’t keep things like this in a vacuum. We’ve had tonight and its been great. That’s enough for me.”
“Oh, don’t start on your thing about the finite nature of perfection and all again.” Mike knew she’d smile at this. She had this rare smile, the kind that curls right up to the cheekbones and inspires the whole face to smile with it, to contribute further to its radiance. That smile could charm the world. No, Mike corrected, that was her eyes too.
“Don’t worry I’m not going to. Besides, my lift’s waiting for me so I wouldn’t have the time.”
“Tell your Dad he saved me comma then,” Mike said. She smiled and their laughter gently tumbled throughout the air around them, dancing criss-cross over the water to meet with the starlight.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said. Still looking at her, he felt his hand being reassuringly squeezed. They kissed each other softly.
“Want me to walk you or anything?”
“No, it’s fine,” she replied. “See you tomorrow comma Mike.”
They kissed again.
“See you tomorrow.”

Mike watched her slip away into the darkness. He sat and watched that moment fade, the passing of each deathly second dragging it kicking and screaming out of the present and into the past. The beauty was extracted leaving only flickering grey shadows to clutch to; phantoms haunting that graveyard called memory. The burning in his chest cooled as the night became cold around him. ‘How’ve I seen it put before?’ he thought, ‘“wanting fiercely to paint her, to set her down now, as she was, as with each second she could never be again.” Something like that. But I think even Fitzgerald had it wrong, missed the point. Sure, tonight has gone, but she’ll remain beautiful tomorrow and the day after, and even though that moment is lost to time I know there will be other moments comma? and more moments still and each one as perfect as the last.’

- Just then Mike heard the short high notes of swallow-song coruscate throughout the night. He turned his head towards the source of these fresh disturbances in the air. The bird was soaring upwards through the starlight singing beautifully for nothing more than the attention of the silent observers above it that shone their applause from infinitesimal distance. It swiftly descended towards earth on its return-flight and cleanly landed a few yards short of Mike’s left. He looked at it a moment, confident now that other perfections too could find their way home.


Good description, a little overbearing at times, but very beautiful. Just try to tone it down a bit, in some parts. Look up commas, I need to take my own advice here, but you seemed to have forgotten them in some places.

I can't really say much. This really wasn't my sort of thing, I don't usually read romance. The characters were fairly interesting, I didn't see too much development, but it is a short. ; The dialogue seemed a bit off, so be sure to touch up on that.

Also, forgive me if this isn't too thorough. I tried, but reading too long on the computer makes my eyes tired. >.> And I've been reading news articles for the last hour online.

Good luck writing.

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Old 08-30-2009, 09:01 PM View Post #6 (Link) I really enjoyed the simplistic ending
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This is something I wrote a while back, I recently found it on my laptop and quite liked it so thought I'd post it here to see how it stacks up. Any comments, criticism and suggestions shall really be appreciated! Here we go:

A cool wind rustled the branches of overhanging trees as the two sat side by side listening to the gentle current of glittering water. Kisses of iridescent starlight left slivers of silver upon the flow that continually passed the watchers, renewing its riches with each slow rotation of the earth towards the stars.

He turned his head to look at her. Shadows flickered across half her face whilst the other languidly beautified the silver light. His finger-tips touched hers softly and he traced his fingers in delicate circles across the back of her small hand. Their eyes met with special understanding, the kind so certain it conveyed as undeniable a truth as that two and two is four. A word rose in the man’s throat, borne upwards by the fires of this understanding, a single articulation of the universe that exploded before them- yet his lips could not condemn such beauty to definition.
“Do you remember the last time we were here?” the girl asked.
“Yeah, I do. Last summer right?”
The girl nodded, looking out across the water before asking “it’s weird how much has changed isn’t it? I mean, I hardly knew you back then. It was just a casual ‘hi’ in the corridor followed by a little glance back when I knew you were looking away. But then after that night…” He looked at her as she paused a while. “Do you remember it?”
“Of course I do yeah. We’d all been out in town, like the big group of us, and then I asked to walk you home. Still have no idea where that came from.”
“Well, either way I’m glad you did. And then we ended up here and just sat and talked about everything. I feel like I learnt more about you in that night than I could after years of knowing some other people. It’s just weird to think that ever since then while people, people I’ve known for years, have faded away you’ve stayed, grown closer.”
“I know, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“I, I’m scared though Mike. How many more summers like that could there be? There can be only so many stars in the sky, only so much music we can dance to then… that’s it, our best years have gone and there’s nothing we can do to recreate them.”
“Well then,” he lightly reached out and turned her head so that they were looking directly into each other, “we’ll just have to keep dancing for as long as we can.”

Touching the girl’s hand, Mike kissed away her crystal tears. They sat holding each other, the silence between them more profound than any of the preceding words or thoughts could be. It was a rare silence, the kind that only emerges where there’s an understanding that words are inadequate to fill its space, where to breathe sentences is to suffocate its beauty. Not the intrinsic beauty of refined jewellery or Monet watercolours but that which can only exist between two people, an external point of intangible brilliance fixed in neither time nor space.

They held each other for a while, Mike listening only to the ticking of the their hearts as they rhythmically suspended the silence.
“I’ve really got to go,” the girl said, pulling her head back from Mike’s shoulder to look at him.
“Ow, not now, this moment is so…”
“Perfect. I know Mike. But tonight has to end at some point.” He watched her smile and felt his involuntary lips do the same.
“Yeah I know it does, but I wish it didn’t.”
“Me too, but you can’t keep things like this in a vacuum. We’ve had tonight and its been great. That’s enough for me.”
“Oh, don’t start on your thing about the finite nature of perfection and all again.” Mike knew she’d smile at this. She had this rare smile, the kind that curls right up to the cheekbones and inspires the whole face to smile with it, to contribute further to its radiance. That smile could charm the world. No, Mike corrected, that was her eyes too.
“Don’t worry I’m not going to. Besides, my lift’s waiting for me so I wouldn’t have the time.”
“Tell your Dad he saved me then,” Mike said. She smiled and their laughter gently tumbled throughout the air around them, dancing criss-cross over the water to meet with the starlight.“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said. Still looking at her, he felt his hand being reassuringly squeezed. They kissed each other softly.
“Want me to walk you or anything?”
“No, it’s fine,” she replied. “See you tomorrow Mike.”
They kissed again.
“See you tomorrow.”

Mike watched her slip away into the darkness. He sat and watched that moment fade, the passing of each deathly second dragging it kicking and screaming out of the present and into the past. The beauty was extracted leaving only flickering grey shadows to clutch to; phantoms haunting that graveyard called memory. The burning in his chest cooled as the night became cold around him. ‘How’ve I seen it put before?’ he thought, ‘“wanting fiercely to paint her, to set her down now, as she was, as with each second she could never be again.” Something like that. But I think even Fitzgerald had it wrong, missed the point. Sure, tonight has gone, but she’ll remain beautiful tomorrow and the day after, and even though that moment is lost to time I know there will be other moments and more moments still and each one as perfect as the last.’

- Just then Mike heard the short high notes of swallow-song coruscate throughout the night. He turned his head towards the source of these fresh disturbances in the air. The bird was soaring upwards through the starlight singing beautifully for nothing more than the attention of the silent observers above it that shone their applause from infinitesimal distance. It swiftly descended towards earth on its return-flight and cleanly landed a few yards short of Mike’s left. He looked at it a moment,
Originally Posted by MattCKT View Post
confident now that other perfections too could find their way home.


This is a truely beautiful piece of writing. I have put all my favourite phrases in the text in bold as they are truely infitting with the setting you are trying to make. I really enjoyed the ending scentance as it is very simplistic makes the reader reflect upon the message of the story. I think the characters of mike and his girlfriend were well defined. This is not the sort of work i would normally read or enjoy but i feel that your style of writing is absolutely fantastic

I think your dialogue is well written as personally i find writing dialogue very hard to do and not make it boring or ruin the atmosphere that i am creating so think you have a real knack for dialogue. I also thought your choice of language is very mature, this gives the narration alot more emphasis to the reader

I didn't highlight your gramatical mistake as i am sure you are aware of them butb they are very few so i didnt think that wuld be nessecary in my critique. I am sorry that i cannot say much else about yuor piece i am not one who can easily evaluate things but i gave it my best shot and sorr about the numerous grammar and spelling mistakes made in this evaluation
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