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Old 07-02-2009, 10:57 PM View Post #1 (Link) The Late Mr Irving
LadySpike (Offline)
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 12
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This is the beginning scene of The Late Mr Irving, the first play in a three part play cycle I'm working on, called the Graveyard Cycle. The Late Mr Irving was performed in December, and I'm currently working on getting the whole three part show together.

It's supposed to be incredibly campy. You have been warned.
I think this excerpt is around 1200 words, and it's a musical, so the singing is in italics.


The Late Mr Ivan Irving

Scene: The funeral home. IVAN’s casket is on a raised platform at the back. MS SHARP sets up chairs while LAWYER reads the obituary aloud. It is raining softly.

LAWYER: We are sad to announce the passing of Mr Ivan Irving, well-loved businessman, and the inventor of Canned Chicken. The millionaire died while on holiday in Brazil. There will be an informal commemorative service held at the Pushing Up Daisies Funeral home on Saturday for family and friends.

(Lights up)

LAWYER: It’s quite a good obituary, if I do say so myself.

MS SHARP: Very nice, dear. (Beat) I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of this Canned Chicken stuff. What is it exactly?

LAWYER: Well, I believe the official slogan is; “It’s like Chicken, only canned.” They just recently changed it, since the old slogan wasn’t doing too well. What was it again? Oh -“It’s like Chicken, only not.”

MS SHARP: Ah. I see. (Finishes setting up chairs) There. I think that should be just fine. I’ll go and put on some more tea now.

LAWYER: I think you’d better put out some more chairs, Ms Sharp

MS SHARP: No, no. I’m sure these will be sufficient. I haven’t heard that Mr Irving has any surviving family, and he was quite reclusive. (Moves to coffin to adjust sheet) Weren’t you, poor dear?

LAWYER: (Ignoring the last part) Well that is precisely the reason why we’re going to need at least half a dozen more chairs.

MS SHARP: I don’t believe I understand.

LAWYER: Look out there, Ms Sharp (pointing out the window). Do you see those people walking by the window right now? They may appear to be innocent schoolchildren, but they’re not. They are desperate people ruled by one thing alone – money. They grasp for it, scrounge for it, steal for it, kill for it! They live for it, every action driven by the thought of getting more! Now, if you were one of these consumer-driven, shallow, materialistic people, and you just happened to hear of an exceedingly rich, reclusive, young man who had just died don’t you think you’d drop in on his send off party?

MS SHARP: Why, young man -you think people will pretend they knew Mr Irving, just to get his money?

LAWYER: I’m almost certain of it Ms Sharp.

MS SHARP: I’m sure you’re mistaken! (Beat) Anyway, the will should take care of that, should it not?

LAWYER: (Beat) There is no will.

MS SHARP: What do you mean?

LAWYER: Well, Mr Irving was only 28 years old, and I’ve only been his estate manager for a year and, well – it just didn’t seem logical to think about a will!

MS SHARP: Ah. So that’s why you’re here.

LAWYER: Yes. I have to inspect these so-called relatives and friends in the very unlikely event that one of them actually knew Mr. Irving, and may therefore have a legitimate claim to his money.

MS SHARP: I don’t think anyone would attempt to do something like that unless they had a very good reason for it. The world isn’t as awful as you think!

(Awkward pause. Thunder is heard)

LAWYER: Well. The weather is, that’s for sure. Look at all that rain! Looks like we’re in for a real storm.

MS SHARP: Ah. It’s a very nice day for a funeral.

(SONG: It’s a Very Nice Day for a Funeral)


Ms S + Lawyer:
It’s a very nice day for a funeral
It’s a very nice day to stay in bed
It’s a very nice day for a funeral
It’s a very nice day to be dead


(Enter SUSAN, NERISSA, JANINE and Edgar, outside)

SUSAN: (Attempting Irish accent) Oh, I remember when little Ivan was just a lad, he – (normal voice) No, no! (Fakes French accent) I am Ivan’s favourite Aunt, Suzanna! Oh, my poor little Ivan! This is terrible! (normal voice) Oh, never mind! I’ll be much more convincing if I just be myself – well, no, not myself – dear old auntie Sue! Just think of the money!

Ms S, Lawyer + Susan
It’s a very nice day for a funeral
It’s a very nice day to stay in bed
It’s a very nice day for a funeral
It’s a very nice day to be dead


NERISSA: Oh, it’s raining so hard! Well, never mind that, Nerissa, a little rain won’t hurt anyone. (acting badly) Oh, poor Ivan! My long lost brother! (herself again) O-o-okay, deep breath Nerissa, you have a job to do here! No one will find out about the secret. Let’s just hope none of his real family show up. This is all your stupid fault Nerissa, don’t try and blame anyone else. If you hadn’t spilled your own secret, you’d still be living life in Sunny Bay. Come on, Nerissa, just think of the money!

Ms S, Lawyer, Susan, Nerissa
It’s a very nice day for a funeral
It’s a very nice day to stay in bed
It’s a very nice day for a funeral
It’s a very nice day to be dead

JANINE: Now you’d better remember what I told you, kid.

EDGAR: Yah, yah, I know. Ivan’s my daddy, but I don’t remember him because – wait. What was that last part again? I think I could remember it, if only I had a few more coins…

JANINE: You little brat! You won’t get a penny more. Now if I were you, I’d remember that last part pretty damn fast.

EDGAR: Alright, alright! I never met him because we were tragically separated on a flight from Germany.

JANINE: Much better. Now let’s go! Darling. Just think of the money!

All
It’s a very nice day for a funeral
It’s a very nice day to stay in bed
It’s a very nice day for a funeral
It’s a - dum dum de dum da na na na na na na (funeral march) - for a funeral


LAWYER: How’d he die, anyway? I just got a call saying he’d shuffled off this mortal coil, and I got here as fast as I could to deal with the estate.

MS SHARP: (to Ivan) I don’t suppose you want to tell him the story? Well, never mind dear, I will. Mr Irving was on vacation in Brazil, and he got bit by something – made him a little- (she moves away from the coffin, so Ivan won’t hear) well, a little crazy. He would stay awake all night, moaning, and he developed a strange fear of salt – and then he ran around telling everyone a “disease” was killing him, even though the doctors could find nothing wrong with him. Eventually he threw himself into a chicken mulcher in one of his Brazilian plants.

LAWYER: How… appropriate. Then surely it is a closed casket funeral?

MS SHARP: Oh, no. The mulcher was turned off.

LAWYER: What killed him then?

MS SHARP: The drop.

LAWYER: Well, I guess he wouldn’t have lasted much longer, anyway. Those eccentric millionaires never do!

MS SHARP: Shh! Mr Irving wasn’t deaf, you know. The man’s had a troubling week, let’s try not to make it any harder for him.

  
						Last edited by LadySpike; 07-02-2009 at 11:12 PM.
					
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Old 07-20-2009, 10:36 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Rob (Offline)
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 13
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 1
Originally Posted by LadySpike View Post
.


The Late Mr Ivan Irving

Do a scene heading, rather than putting Scene:. Scene headings are in capitals, like this:

INT. THE FUNERAL HOME


Scene: The funeral home. IVANís casket is on a raised platform at the back. MS SHARP sets up chairs while LAWYER reads the obituary aloud. It is raining softly.

LAWYER: We are sad to announce the passing of Mr Ivan Irving, well-loved businessman, and the inventor of Canned Chicken. The millionaire died while on holiday in Brazil. There will be an informal commemorative service held at the Pushing Up Daisies Funeral home on Saturday for family and friends.

(Lights up)

LAWYER: Itís quite a good obituary, if I do say so myself.

MS SHARP: Very nice, dear. (Beat) I donít believe Iíve ever heard of this Canned Chicken stuff. What is it exactly?

LAWYER: Well, I believe the official slogan is; ďItís like Chicken, only canned.Ē They just recently changed it, since the old slogan wasnít doing too well. What was it again? Oh -ďItís like Chicken, only not.Ē Lol

MS SHARP: Ah. I see. (Finishes setting up chairs) There. I think that should be just fine. Iíll go and put on some more tea now.

LAWYER: I think youíd better put out some more chairs, Ms Sharp

MS SHARP: No, no. Iím sure these will be sufficient. I havenít heard that Mr Irving has any surviving family, and he was quite reclusive. (Moves to coffin to adjust sheet) Werenít you, poor dear? The second was too formal, the first only a bit too formal.

LAWYER: (Ignoring MS SHARP) Well that is precisely the reason why weíre going to need at least half a dozen more chairs. exclamation mark

MS SHARP: I donít believe I understand. Just 'I don't understand' works better here.

LAWYER: Look out there, Ms Sharp (pointing out the window) Should be before the dialogue.. Do you see those people walking by the window right now? They may appear to be innocent schoolchildren, but theyíre not. They are desperate people ruled by one thing alone Ė money. They grasp for it, scrounge for it, steal for it, kill for it! They live for it, every action driven by the thought of getting more! Now, if you were one of these consumer-driven, shallow, materialistic people, and you just happened to hear of an exceedingly rich, reclusive, young man who had just died donít you think youíd drop in on his send off party?

MS SHARP: Why, young man -you think people will pretend they knew Mr Irving, just to get his money?

LAWYER: Iím almost certain of it Ms Sharp.

MS SHARP: Parenthetical Iím sure youíre mistaken! (Beat) Good. Anyway, the will should take care of that, should it not?

LAWYER: Sighs (Beat) There is no will.

MS SHARP: What do you mean?

LAWYER: Well, Mr Irving was only 28 years old, and Iíve only been his estate manager for a year and, well Ė it just didnít seem logical to think about a will! The exclamation mark here ruins effect

MS SHARP: Ahcomma So thatís why youíre here. exclamation mark

LAWYER: Yes. I have to inspect these so-called relatives and friends in the very unlikely event that one of them actually knew Mr. Irving, and may therefore have a legitimate claim to his money.

MS SHARP: I donít think anyone would attempt to do something like that unless they had a very good reason for it. The world isnít as awful as you think!

(Awkward pause. Thunder is heard) Good.

LAWYER: Wellcomma, only need a short pause The weather is, thatís for sure. Look at all that rain! Looks like weíre in for a real storm.

MS SHARP: Ah. Itís a very nice day for a funeral.

(SONG: Itís a Very Nice Day for a Funeral)


Ms S + Lawyer:
Itís a very nice day for a funeral
Itís a very nice day to stay in bed
Itís a very nice day for a funeral
Itís a very nice day to be dead
I like these lyrics, a good comedic feel.

(Enter SUSAN, NERISSA, JANINE and Edgar, outside)

SUSAN: (Attempting Irish accent) Oh, I remember when little Ivan was just a lad, he Ė (normal voice) No, no! (Fakes French accent) I am Ivanís favourite Aunt, Suzanna! Oh, my poor little Ivan! This is terrible! (normal voice) Oh, never mind! Iíll be much more convincing if I just be myself Ė well, no, not myself Ė dear old auntie Sue! Just think of the money! nice add in and comedy.

Ms S, Lawyer + Susan
Itís a very nice day for a funeral
Itís a very nice day to stay in bed
Itís a very nice day for a funeral
Itís a very nice day to be dead


NERISSA: Oh, itís raining so hard! Well, never mind that, Nerissa, a little rain wonít hurt anyone. (acting badly) Oh, poor Ivan! My long lost brother! (herself again) O-o-okay, deep breath Nerissa, you have a job to do here! No one will find out about the secret. Letís just hope none of his real family show up. This is all your stupid fault Nerissa, donít try and blame anyone else. If you hadnít spilled your own secret, youíd still be living life in Sunny Bay. Come on, Nerissa, just think of the money!

Ms S, Lawyer, Susan, Nerissa
Itís a very nice day for a funeral
Itís a very nice day to stay in bed
Itís a very nice day for a funeral
Itís a very nice day to be dead I like how you've continued to add in new people.

JANINE: Now youíd better remember what I told you, kid.

EDGAR: Yah, yah, I know. Ivanís my daddy, but I donít remember him because Ė wait. What was that last part again? I think I could remember it, if only I had a few more coinsÖ

JANINE: You little brat! You wonít get a penny more. Now if I were you, Iíd remember that last part pretty damn fast.

EDGAR: Alright, alright! I never met him because we were tragically separated on a flight from Germany.

JANINE: Much better. Now letís go! Darling. Just think of the money!

All
Itís a very nice day for a funeral
Itís a very nice day to stay in bed
Itís a very nice day for a funeral
Itís a - dum dum de dum da na na na na na na (funeral march) - for a funeralVery good use of the funeral march and comedy.


LAWYER: Howíd he die, anyway? I just got a call saying heíd shuffled off this mortal coil, and I got here as fast as I could to deal with the estate.

MS SHARP: (to Ivan) I donít suppose you want to tell him the story? Well, never mind dear, I will. Mr Irving was on vacation in Brazil, and he got bit by something Ė made him a little- (she moves away from the coffin, so Ivan wonít hear) well, a little crazy. He would stay awake all night, moaning, and he developed a strange fear of salt Ė and then he ran around telling everyone a ďdiseaseĒ was killing him, even though the doctors could find nothing wrong with him. Eventually he threw himself into a chicken mulcher in one of his Brazilian plants.

LAWYER: HowÖ appropriate. Then surely it is a closed casket funeral?

MS SHARP: Oh, no. The mulcher was turned off.

LAWYER: What killed him then?

MS SHARP: The drop.

LAWYER: Well, I guess he wouldnít have lasted much longer, anyway. Those eccentric millionaires never do!

MS SHARP: Shh! Mr Irving wasnít deaf, you know. The manís had a troubling week, letís try not to make it any harder for him.


I love how they acted as if he was still alive, and you have a nice comedic feel.

If you add the approppriate add-ins where I've said, then this is absolutely fine, a very good comedic script, well done!
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