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Old 07-20-2009, 05:07 PM View Post #11 (Link)
Angels-Symphony (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wonderland ;P
Posts: 23
Points: 19
Times Thanked: 1
Hi Summer I'm Shina, a new member here, so this will be my first review. I hope to do it justice

I can smell the burning hot rubber....
Oh goodness =_=

What kind of a hook is this, Ms. Summer? The hook is the window to your story, the window to the world you are creating as a writer. The readers decide whether or not they want to read your work by the first sentence, you cannot blow it with the hook.

It has to be something unique that gives rise to more questions than it answers.

For example: The rain crashed against the roof of the hut, threatening to break right through it.
A thing made only of dried palm leaves and bamboo, it was built for mild weather. Inside, little Emma hid in the shadows of the corner, closing her eyes in attempt to fade from reality. Her arms wrapped around her knees as she rocked, humming a song her grandmother used to sing.


Not such a hot example, but it'll do the job. The first line answers the question about the setting, but the rain storm is what gives rise to more questions. It makes the readers want to know more about this hut and its importance. The following sentences support the hook and go deeper into the story. It's like branches growing from seed.

Also, an ellipses at the end of the hook is a no-no. It makes the sentence linger and the hook is supposed to jump right into the story.

I forgot to mention that your first line was bland, flat. It was really tell-y just saying "burning hot rubber". I mean the reader has no idea what the rubber smells like if they've never smelled burning hot rubber before. You could've at least used some imagery:
"A plume of smoke hung in the air, lingering above the pile of tires" or whatever was burning.

Also, burning hot rubber? That's really redundant. It's implied that if something is burning, it's also hot.


The dust, the grit, the cheering crowd, the screams.
The hook is flat, and so is the supporting sentence. You need to spice this up with some imagery, use the five senses, create a picture in the readers' minds. You are a writer, aren't you? That's your job But improving is half the fun.

The track stretches out before me, a long strip of orange-brown.
So the narrator is at a train station? I really would've never thought because of the first two sentences. The imagery is pretty decent Hopefully you have more of these instances in your story.

My heart pounds, my legs are wobbling sticks of jelly with my butterflies.
Umm, really, what kind of metaphor is this, dearie? I know you're trying to be poetic and have good description, but there is a fine line between good description and jam-packing adjectives.

Also, "My heart pounds" should be one sentence. Add a period because the thought is over.

"My legs are wobbling sticks of jelly with my butterflies"
This ruined your vague, cool, relaxed sort of tone you had going on. Remember to do descriptions and thoughts that your character would actually think of.

The adrenaline rush soars through me....I am the best. Am I? Can I?
This is really reminding me of the Little Engine That Could, but it was better as a kiddie book. You use ellipses too much. They're losing their effect. Also, italicize thoughts.

What is an "adrenaline rush" anyway? Palms pulsing? Heart racing? Legs buckling beneath you? what?

Doubt flutter through me.
Should be flutters. Wrong tense.


I turn to stare at the finish line around the corner, tasting the hot hair, feeling the sweat on my brow, watching for the red and yellow nylon flag to rise.
Better imagery here. I like the "tasting the hot air" and "feeling the sweat on my brow" but you might want to go into more detail as I've said.
---------------

I'm going to stop here since the problems seem to repeat.

Positives Your grammar and punctuation are fairly okay most of the time. You also have certain instances with good imagery. You're also not too long winded with your thoughts.

Negatives: There was no picture painted, what a story should do. The conflict... there was no conflict. Just a kid who was doubting herself and then she ended up winning anyway. Nothing major. You tell too much and your descriptions are flat. You need to bring them to the third dimension. Your punctuation is kind of rusty, but that can be fixed. Especially dialogue punctuation.

I'll leave it at this: More showy, less tell-y. More descriptive, less specific.

Bring that third dimension, Summer

-Shina
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						Last edited by Angels-Symphony; 07-20-2009 at 05:15 PM.
					
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