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Old 01-09-2018, 11:51 PM View Post #1 (Link) A Summer Place
wkamen (Offline)
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https://soundcloud.com/wkamen/a-summer-place-final


Summer was gone, fall was in full color
I woke up to the sound of a cold rain
Wrapped in a memory as tears grip my face
Like raindrops hugging the window pane

Pre-Chorus
An image embedded in my head
still remains and keeps coming back
Keeps coming back in a song, a summer place
Chorus
Every time I think about that song
I picture you and me on that beach
Strange how a song sounds like a memory
Like a recording of a summer’s day




Somewhere, somewhere only we know.

I go back to when I first saw you
Swayin’ to the rhythm of the waves
On that lonely stretch of sand
I caught your glance, and got lost in your eyes
You said hi and in that moment, I was captured
I found a love for me hidden in the sand

I go back to when we walked together
Barefoot in the sand, hand in hand
We stopped at the water’s edge
The soft sensuous touch of the breeze
embraced us and we had our first dance
listening to the song a summer place


I go back to when we were sitting
On that lonely shore, the sun dipping
Into the sea, the scent of jasmine
Filling our senses, we got high,
Then we kissed. In that moment,
I knew we belonged together

I didn’t want this day to end
I didn’t want this day to ever ever end


Every time I think about that song
I picture you and me on that beach
Strange how a song sounds like a memory
Like a recording of a summer’s day
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.
  
						Last edited by wkamen; 07-18-2018 at 02:26 PM.
					
					 Reason: Revision
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Old 01-14-2018, 07:17 PM View Post #2 (Link) Critique
Lovely Lioness (Offline)
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The way that this begins, a rainy day, is different than the "summer place" that the poem talks about after, and I would like to see more lines about it, describing how he felt in contrast to how he felt on the beach.
It would be good to have some punctuation to clarify it, such as:

I think about that song,
a summer place,
and picture you and me on that beach.
Looking back on the memory
When I first saw you,
Swayin’ to the rhythm of the waves
on a lonely stretch of sand

Sometimes it's appropriate to have commas, sometimes not. Whichever way it looks best is probably the way you should go.
However, when writing a poem, language is everything, and the way you described the rain and the beach really made me feel like I was there, watching it. I loved the way you described the sunset giving life to the day, and the line you typed twice:

Every time I hear that song
I picture you and me on that beach
Strange how a song sounds like a memory
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.

It really is the lifeblood of the poem, and the way the rhythm goes makes me think the poem could be a song. And even though it doesn't exactly rhyme, it sounds just right and really is the best poem I've read in a long time. I hope you keep writing and write many more lovely poems!
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Old 02-28-2018, 03:55 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
wkamen (Offline)
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Thanks Lovely Lioness for your comment
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Old 05-21-2018, 11:51 PM View Post #4 (Link)
Rushmore9816 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by wkamen View Post

Summer was gone, fall was in full color
You don't always need to start off with a bang, but here the opening falls flat. You open the poem with broad descriptions that don't entice the reader
I woke up to the sound of a cold rain
Describe the sound of the rain! Show don't tell
Wrapped in a memory as tears grip my face
Like raindrops hugging the window pane
Interesting simile...

Pre-Chorus
An image embedded in my head
still remains and keeps coming back
Keeps coming back in a song, a summer place
Chorus
Every time I think about that song
I picture you and me on that beach
Strange how a song sounds like a memory
Like a recording of a summer’s day
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.
Is this a song or is this a poem. Sure, you can argue they are indistinguishable, but ultimately the poem is about the written word. I find this use of chorus and pre-chorus strange.

I go back to when I first saw you
Swayin’ to the rhythm of the waves
"rhythm of the waves" cliched phrase
On that lonely stretch of sand
I caught your glance, and got lost in your eyes
"lost in your eyes" cliched
You said hi and in at that moment, I was captured
I found a love for me hidden in the sand
Romantic love is an emotional most people experience and want to capture through some medium but it's done often many of us are caught up in the cliches associated with it. I think here you've fallen into that trap.

I go back to when we walked together
Barefoot in the sand, hand in hand
Again, you're not creating an original image. Dig into the details
We stopped at the water’s edge
The soft sensuous touch of the breeze
You don't need two adjectives. Choose one.
embraced us and we had our first dance
listening to the song a summer place


I go back to when we were sitting
On that lonely shore, the sun dipping
Dipping. Good verbiage.
Into the sea, the scent of jasmine
Filling our senses, we got high,
Then we kissed. In that moment,
I knew we belonged together
This falls flat. You're directly stating your thoughts and feeling. You have to create images to allow the reader to peer into them.

I didn’t want this day to end
I didn’t want this day to ever ever end


Describe an action, feeling that would tell us you didn't want the moment to end.

Every time I think about that song
I picture you and me on that beach
Strange how a song sounds like a memory
This would hold even a little bit of weight if you're poem made that case
Like a recording of a summer’s day
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.
Somewhere, somewhere only we know.

I would suggest avoiding using lyrics of a popular song if you want a poem to represent you.

Love is something I think brings people to poetry. It brings up ineffable, woozy, dizzying feelings and is an emotion often associated with the craft. However, like I said earlier, love poems are also mired in and associated with tones of cliches. "Lost in his eyes" "Walked hand in hand" Thus, it's hard to create an original love poem. Don't rely on things you've heard. Think! And I mean really think about how that moment felt to you. You have the passion; you just need to work on the mechanics.
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Old 05-28-2018, 02:35 PM View Post #5 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
wkamen (Offline)
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This is a song not a poem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 07-09-2018, 05:52 PM View Post #6 (Link)
Holden (Offline)
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It's lovely, but if it's a song you should have posted it in lyrics, not poetry...
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Old 07-10-2018, 08:05 AM View Post #7 (Link)
Rose (Offline)
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Moved to the lyrics section ♥
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