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Old 12-21-2017, 02:51 AM View Post #1 (Link) Hear Me
JazzyRae (Offline)
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 23
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Light pours into my eyes, and Iím forced to speak
I croak my own sound, quiet at first, then louder, a growing crescendo of my own creation, spilling out of me, into their ears,
When I finish, thereís silence,
The kind of shunning silence, where your blood runs cold
A thousand eyes stare at me, and hate me for my own voice, my own words,
I hide in the corner, and pretend to be gone,
So from now on, my sound is dead
I do not speak, I do not wish to
My mouth has been sewn shut, I only mumble what society has taught me
And I forget my sound, a thousand birds inside me die
And Iím quiet, as quiet as can be
Then, they tell me to speak
They tell me to speak my own words to speak my own sound
I find only that I forgot how,
What was once instinct is now gone,
Buried somewhere far beneath me, to an area I will never reach
Because a part of me is afraid to
What will they say, if they hear me?
  
						Last edited by JazzyRae; 12-21-2017 at 03:08 AM.
					
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Old 03-21-2018, 11:37 PM View Post #2 (Link)
isabelb (Offline)
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: UK
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Light pours into my eyes, and Iím forced to speak Perhaps it's just stylistic, but I always think it's better to not use short forms in poetry. So, in this case, 'I am forced to speak'. I think, especially here, it serves to pack a little more punch to the opening line as well.
I croak my own sound, quiet at first, then louder, a growing crescendo of my own creation, spilling out of me, into their ears, While this works as a longer sentence to reflect the 'crescendo', I think there are too many commas and it would be effective to split this line. It would look better on a page too. Perhaps after 'I croak my own sound, quiet at first // then louder, a growing crescendo of my own creation // spilling out of me, into their ears,'
When I finish, thereís silence, This line should end with either a full-stop or a colon.
The kind of shunning silence, where your blood runs cold Another full-stop or other punctuation needed at the end of this line.
A thousand eyes stare at me, and hate me for my own voice, my own words, Same here.
I hide in the corner, and pretend to be gone,
So from now on, my sound is dead This is really lovely imagery.
I do not speak, I do not wish to Full-stop here.
My mouth has been sewn shut, I only mumble what society has taught me Love this line!
And I forget my sound, a thousand birds inside me die This image perhaps needs a little more explanation.
And Iím quiet, as quiet as can be Full-stop here.
Then, they tell me to speak Comma is not needed here.
They tell me to speak my own words to speak my own sound
I find only that I forgot how, This line would read better as "I find only that I have forgotten how to'.
What was once instinct is now gone,
Buried somewhere far beneath me, to an area I will never reach Full-stop here.
Because a part of me is afraid to Punctuation needed here. I think a colon would be best.
What will they say, if they hear me?Lovely ending.


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Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. The imagery is lovely and really enhances the very relatable feelings expressed in the poem to make it really very powerful. My main critique of Hear Me would be its punctuation. It is slightly hard to follow at points because of the lack of sentence endings. I found myself having to reread lines as I was going through it to try and work out where one thought ended and another began and thus it did not quite flow as well as it could. But the contents is really nice-- well done on a beautiful poem!
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