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Old 05-22-2018, 06:14 PM View Post #1 (Link) Anxiety
Softballgirl333 (Offline)
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Warning: This poem can be a trigger for some people please do not read if you feel like you cannot handle it.

Anxiety
I feel stressed
And depressed
Hard times roll around
I feel like my world is coming down

I panic and I feel
This all shouldn’t be real
Sometimes I want to cry
And people tell me I should die

I overthink everything they say
Time passes, day by day
I have panic attacks
Where there’s no going back

Anxiety can be claimed
But it can’t be tamed
I have no control
I dig myself into this deep hole

After I am down
I can only frown
It has been awhile
Since my last smile

I feel really bad
Sometimes kind of sad
I want it to it to go away
But it will always stay

I no longer want this
I can no longer experience bliss
Because it stays
Til the last of my days
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Old 05-23-2018, 12:16 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Rushmore9816 (Offline)
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Originally Posted by Softballgirl333 View Post
Warning: This poem can be a trigger for some people please do not read if you feel like you cannot handle it.

Anxiety
I feel stressed
And depressed
The first rule of poetry is show don't tell. Don't tell us the audience your feelings directly. Describe it. Poetry is about details and description and ultimately the use of language. For example describe how your hands feel when you're stressed, the sweat on your temples, the dryness of your tongue to give the reader an entry into your psyche.
Hard times roll around
I feel like my world is coming down

I panic and I feel
This all shouldn’t be real
Sometimes I want to cry
And people tell me I should die

I overthink everything they say
Time passes, day by day
I have panic attacks
Where there’s no going back
I'm assuming this comes from a real personal place but simply saying you have a panic attack does not put me the reader in your shoes.

Anxiety can be claimed
But it can’t be tamed
I have no control
I dig myself into this deep hole
I think you're pigeonholing yourself with the rhyme scheme. it's like you're trying to hug water. It comes off as unnatural and forced here

After I am down
I can only frown
It has been awhile
Since my last smile

I feel really bad
Sometimes kind of sad
I want it to it to go away
But it will always stay
Again, restoring to broad, boring adjectives to describe your feelings only leadens the work

I no longer want this
I can no longer experience bliss
Because it stays
Til the last of my days

I found this to be a particularly boring piece. You simply state the emotions you're feeling and don't give us insight into your feelings in a creative, interesting way. Moreover, the rhyme scheme again makes everything awkward and forced and not interesting.

I figure this is a rough draft but take a break and think about these feelings. They made you feel bad? Why? How did I know I have a panic attack. Think about those things and try to find the right words to describe them. This most likely comes from a personal place but try to think about how you want that to impact an audience
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Old 05-23-2018, 12:26 AM View Post #3 (Link) My critique
Rosie1213 (Offline)
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 5
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Hi! First I want to say I really like this. I think it really grabs the different aspects of anxiety, not just being “worried”, and it’s very effective, so nice job. In terms of pacing, I think right now it’s a little rushed and the aabb rhyme format means there’s nothing to break it up. I think you could go one of two ways with this:

1. Make it more varied and slower in some places, but keep the fast tension in other places. This could help make it really show confusion/varied emotions etc. related to anxiety. If you went this route I would add more imagery or emotional language to show this further. Or,

2. Make it just a little slower all the way through. I think if you evened out the syllables in each line and really solidified the rhythm, it could also be very effective by showing kind of day to day, monotone feelings. If you did this you could add some lines about feeling like you can’t break a cycle (like your last stanza) throughout, to emphasize that.

I think this poem is a really good start, and really just needs some polishing. It’s obviously a topic close to your heart, and it comes across really nicely. Great job!

Rosie
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Old 05-23-2018, 04:38 PM View Post #4 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Softballgirl333 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Rushmore9816 View Post
I found this to be a particularly boring piece. You simply state the emotions you're feeling and don't give us insight into your feelings in a creative, interesting way. Moreover, the rhyme scheme again makes everything awkward and forced and not interesting.

I figure this is a rough draft but take a break and think about these feelings. They made you feel bad? Why? How did I know I have a panic attack. Think about those things and try to find the right words to describe them. This most likely comes from a personal place but try to think about how you want that to impact an audience
Thank you, and yes indeed it is a rough draft. I have been struggling getting back in to my good poem writing since it has been a very long time since I have written or even been on YWO. Infact it was 2 years ago on my birthday, and Thank you, I will revise and send you the edited version.
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