With only me part 1

Ruby Dawn · 09-10-2017, 05:36 PM

This was a quick thing, but I plan to do more of it.
.................................................................................................... ................................................

The past can’t change, yet it can change the future and present. Every second, the present becomes the past and the future. The future can be changed. Moulded, like clay, into anything that the past and present suggests. The artists that mould it? Us. There is a rule:
Change the past it changes the future.
And another:
You cannot change the past.
These two rules contradict each other, cancelling one another out. Unless,
Rules can be bent or broken. But not without consequence.
This is the story of a girl who broke that rule, and suffered the consequence.

HawaiianParadise · 09-13-2017, 03:19 AM

Wow--that is really good. I'm instantly intrigued, but also a little confused. Is this like a teaser for your book? Or is it actually part of your book?

Just one thing--add an "and" between "past" and "it" in the sentence Change the past it changes the future.

I can usually write a much longer and better critique, but I don't really find anything else you should fix or change here. Great job!

Ruby Dawn · 09-14-2017, 06:50 AM

Originally Posted by HawaiianParadise

Wow--that is really good. I'm instantly intrigued, but also a little confused. Is this like a teaser for your book? Or is it actually part of your book?

Just one thing--add an "and" between "past" and "it" in the sentence Change the past it changes the future.

I can usually write a much longer and better critique, but I don't really find anything else you should fix or change here. Great job!

Thank you. It was meant to be kind of confusing and in the original thing it had a joke about it being confusing but I got rid of it since it removed the suspense. It was a teaser for my book, to answer your question, to see if anyone would want to read it.

Miss.Tea · 09-24-2017, 01:50 PM

Wow. That was really good. I liked in a lot. I wanna here more please. Good Job

Panda11 · 05-10-2018, 12:43 AM

I suggest that you fix some of the mistakes, and try to make it a bit less confusing. Some people aren't that old enough to under stand some of the things, and some of it was just plain confusing. At first I was like

but later I started to fell like

. But I still thought it was lovely.

Livvy · 06-26-2018, 08:33 PM

Such a good teaser!! I was instantly drawn in and it made me want to read the actual story. Amazing!

09-13-2017, 03:19 AM	View Post #2 (Link) Critique
HawaiianParadise Novice Writer Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Posts: 18 Points: 6.89 Times Thanked: 0	Wow--that is really good. I'm instantly intrigued, but also a little confused. Is this like a teaser for your book? Or is it actually part of your book? Just one thing--add an "and" between "past" and "it" in the sentence Change the past it changes the future. I can usually write a much longer and better critique, but I don't really find anything else you should fix or change here. Great job! __________________ A published writer is simply an amateur who didn't quit. --Richard Bach

09-10-2017, 05:36 PM	View Post #1 (Link) With only me part 1
Ruby Dawn Literary Newbie Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: The sofa Posts: 7 Points: 8.69 Times Thanked: 1	This was a quick thing, but I plan to do more of it. .................................................................................................... ................................................ The past can’t change, yet it can change the future and present. Every second, the present becomes the past and the future. The future can be changed. Moulded, like clay, into anything that the past and present suggests. The artists that mould it? Us. There is a rule: Change the past it changes the future. And another: You cannot change the past. These two rules contradict each other, cancelling one another out. Unless, Rules can be bent or broken. But not without consequence. This is the story of a girl who broke that rule, and suffered the consequence.

09-24-2017, 01:50 PM	View Post #4 (Link)
Miss.Tea Literary Newbie Join Date: Jul 2017 Posts: 4 Points: 2 Times Thanked: 1	Wow. That was really good. I liked in a lot. I wanna here more please. Good Job

05-10-2018, 12:43 AM	View Post #5 (Link) Nice
Panda11 Literary Newbie Join Date: May 2018 Posts: 4 Points: 2.52 Times Thanked: 0	I suggest that you fix some of the mistakes, and try to make it a bit less confusing. Some people aren't that old enough to under stand some of the things, and some of it was just plain confusing. At first I was like but later I started to fell like . But I still thought it was lovely.

06-26-2018, 08:33 PM	View Post #6 (Link)
Livvy Literary Newbie Join Date: Jun 2018 Posts: 5 Points: 0.83 Times Thanked: 0	Such a good teaser!! I was instantly drawn in and it made me want to read the actual story. Amazing!