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Old 03-23-2018, 04:49 PM View Post #1 (Link) An Ode to my Lonely Heart
SerialLove (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 19
Points: 5
Times Thanked: 4
I wish I could be the kind of poet
who found it easy to write two simple words,
that could capture your struggle.
Like... "love sucks"
Or... "fuck you"
but I can't quite work it out.
I mean, I've even tried "fuck love"
and "suck you"
however, the last one kind of hinted at
subtle suggestions that just didn't seem
...appropriate...

See my problem has to be you.
Like don't get me wrong,
I enjoy having you apart of me.
Without your weird, squishy,
synchronized, built-to-a-standard-tempo
heartbeat, I'd be dead.
So i still appreciate you, yes
but...you suck.
HA! There I found it.
"You suck"
now doesn't that work quite nicely.

Anyways, like I said, I appreciate you
I really do.
But couldn't you be just a little less finicky.
Seriously bitch, pull yourself together
you're starting to make us look like a snarky,
teenage drama queen-
and we worked so hard at bypassing
that goddamn social stereotype.
I mean if you can't learn to calm this shit down
I'll have to call in reinforcements
and we all know that when father brain gets
involved, no one goes to bed happy.

Listen, Heart, I get it. You're lonely.
And for some reason you hate yourself so much
you just can't seem to get enough of those
sappy romantic TV shows
that we all know were written for
middle aged white woman.
But this tyranny has got. to. stop.
I'm putting my foot down, wait...
Crap! OUR foot down.
The left one incase you were wondering
and I'm putting an end to your circus.
As of right now,
you're no longer aloud to think of anything.
Nothing, nadda, zip.
You've been impeached from this office
go on and take a fucking vacation.
Thank you and goodbye.
.
.
.
.
Um... Heart, did you...
I mean you saw him too right?
Like it wasn't just the eyes...
No? Okay.
So... wanna continue Vampire Diaries?
Yeah? Alright.
Me too...
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Old 04-17-2018, 04:10 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Light Wolf (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: England
Posts: 7
Points: 5.12
Times Thanked: 0
I generally think this a good poem and it doesn't really need critiquing. Good work!
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Old 05-01-2018, 03:13 AM View Post #3 (Link)
Rushmore9816 (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 9
Points: 29
Times Thanked: 0
Originally Posted by SerialLove View Post
I wish I could be the kind of poet
who found it easy to write two simple words,
that could capture your struggle.
Like... "love sucks"
Or... "fuck you"
I think this would be a more powerful intro if the two simple words you introduced were more.... interesting... I can tell that is point but still it doesn't grab me
but I can't quite work it out.
I mean, I've even tried "fuck love"
and "suck you"
I feel you can cut this out. I can tell the poem was written to be humorous but I find this to be a mistep.
however, the last one kind of hinted at
subtle suggestions that just didn't seem
...appropriate...


See my problem has to be you.
Like don't get me wrong,
I enjoy having you apart of me.
Without your weird, squishy,
synchronized, built-to-a-standard-tempo
heartbeat, I'd be dead.
So i still appreciate you, yes
but...you suck.
HA! There I found it.
"You suck"
now doesn't that work quite nicely.
I find the self-referential nature of the poem to be intriguing but you use simple language, tired which prevents it to be compelling. Search for another word other than "suck" that packs the same punch but is more precise and unique.

Anyways, like I said, I appreciate you
I really do.
But couldn't you be just a little less finicky.
Seriously bitch, pull yourself together
you're starting to make us look like a snarky,
teenage drama queen-
and we worked so hard at bypassing
that goddamn social stereotype.
I mean if you can't learn to calm this shit down
I'll have to call in reinforcements
and we all know that when father brain gets
involved, no one goes to bed happy.
I think this and the majority of the poem seems prosey. This section comes off like a long-run on sentence. What about this makes it a poem other than the fact you seperated into stanzas?


Listen, Heart, I get it. You're lonely.
The revelation that the symbolic heart was the subject of your poem was suprising. Good job. Re-reading it with this in mind made your poem more interesting the second time
And for some reason you hate yourself so much
you just can't seem to get enough of those
sappy romantic TV shows
that we all know were written for
middle aged white woman.
But this tyranny has got. to. stop.
I'm putting my foot down, wait...
Crap! OUR foot down.
The left one incase you were wondering
and I'm putting an end to your circus.
As of right now,
you're no longer aloud to think of anything.
Nothing, nadda, zip.
If you made the above line consist only of onamanapias that would begreat
You've been impeached from this office
go on and take a fucking vacation.
Thank you and goodbye.
.
.
.
.
The gap was interesting and sensible choice
Um... Heart, did you...
I mean you saw him too right?
Like it wasn't just the eyes...
No? Okay.
So... wanna continue Vampire Diaries?
Yeah? Alright.
Me too...
My main problem with this poem was that it was too much of rant-like prose. If this is a first draft, there is a lot to cut out. Think back and ask yourself what drew you to write this poem in the first place? What is the central emotion that drives this pieces and pare this version down to the elements that are able to convey that concisely. I enjoyed the self-referential bits and how the subject is the symbolic heart but there's nothing here that struck me as "poetic."
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