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Old 07-13-2017, 09:47 PM View Post #1 (Link) Within my Blood (Chapter 2-part1)
SerialLove (Offline)
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Quick Author's Note: 
Spoiler:
I know that my dashes should be hyphens but the writing app I have on my computer doesn't recognize them and I don't know how to change that. Two, I wrote this [the part that isn't italicized] around midnight last night so it's a little rough and I wanted to finish the chapter before I posted it but I'm stuck so suggestions are welcome. Thanks!


"...and the love that resides within my heart..."

A blue van pulled away from the curb, engine rattling. Just as it arrived, no one saw it leave. In-fact, for the most part, the van had gone relatively unnoticed. That's exactly how they wanted it. Just like everything else in their life, the van was specifically chosen to not draw attention. Attention is the devil's advocate -or so Lazarus would say- it's better to blend in. The van had been parked at the end of a quiet street in front of an even quieter home since three that morning. However, unlike its outwards appearance, the inside of it had been completely transformed. It resembled what can only be described as a prison on wheels. There was a thin chain-link barrier separating the two seats at the front from the rest. Ah, the rest; an empty cavern with barred windows -tinted as to deter anyone from noticing the differences- and metal rings attached to the floor. However, the van's backside was anything but empty at that moment of departure. An elderly woman lay on its ripped floor, her hands tied. Rope snaked around each frail wrist until it joined and knotted around one of the metal rings. In the passenger seat sat a young man of 21. He had dark gray hair and green eyes and his right leg continued to bounce; up-down, up-down. He was nervous. This was the first time he had gone on a run and while everything went as planned, adrenaline still pumped through his veins.

"Cut it out will ya, you're makin' me jumpy just watchin' you." The driver said sharply, turning the corner onto Main Street.

"Sorry. I just, can't believe I did that. It felt so-"

"Surreal?"

The passenger turned his head to look in the back, "yeah, that's it. If felt so surreal," he replied.

"Don't worry, you'll get used ta it." The driver reached over and put a hand on the young man's shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze before returning it to the steering wheel. "Look at it this way, we're just huntin'. Ya do it all the time with pops, it ain't any different now."

"But it is different. I mean, with pops we hunt deer sometimes elk for food but this is different. We aren't hunting to feed everyone, we're hunting for-"

"Fun?"

"Yeah."

The driver sighed, "Look. I get that your not used ta this, but come on brother, you participate so willin'ly after I do all the grunt work. So stop complainin' and get ya hands a little dirty."

The passenger looked over at his brother, who looked at him with raised eyebrows and a tight grin. He knew his brother was right, he always was, but something just kept eating away at him. It was one thing to be apart of the kill but hunting them, seeing the life to the person, it felt wrong. 

-----

He stood there in the middle of the courtyard, sweating like a beast despite the bitter cold. He gripped the butt of the riffle with both hands and started to violently shake. People were screaming. Others cried. Most of them tried to run but realized too late that they were trapped. Somewhere, from far off Jasper could hear the shouts from the security guards telling him to put the gun down. But they were only voices to him, whispering in through one ear and yelling out the other.

There was someone coming up behind him, he could feel their presence. With one swift turn he raised the riffle, coming face to face with an average girl. She had her hands up in the air and her eyes spoke the words "don't shoot." He could see her hands shake a little as she continued to stand in front of him, but she didn't seem to have any intentions of moving.

"Get out of the way bitch. I will fucking shoot you." Jasper spat, he pushed the end of the barrel into her shoulder with so much force it knocked her down to the ground.

He watched her get up, brush the dirt from the butt of her jeans and take a step closer towards him. "You're not going to scare me off that easily."

"I swear to fucking God bitch, I will shoot you, get back with the others."

"Then do it."

Jasper stopped, a little taken aback. He didn't expect this and in turn he took a second glance at the girl who now stood with her forehead pressed to the barrel of his riffle. She had black hair tied up in a loose bun, her eyes were grey and it felt as if they were staring straight through him.

"Do it," she said "I dare you."

Jasper lowered the riffle. "Why do you want me to shoot you?" He asked, eyeing her closely.

"I don't."

"Then why did you --"

The girl smiled, it was a nervous smile but there was something behind that nervousness. Almost as if she knew he didn't have the balls to follow through. Slowly she reached her hand up just enough to touch his shoulder and then she leaned forward on tip toes until her face was directly next to his.

"Because I know you can't, no matter how much someone pleads or irritates you, you just can't. That's why. You see, you think you have what it takes, but you don't." He could hear her every breath, feel the air leave her lungs and brush the nape of his neck and he just stood there. Paralyzed. "Put the gun down, please," she whispered.
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Old 08-02-2017, 04:11 PM View Post #2 (Link)
addictedtoreading (Offline)
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[SPOILER]"...and the love that resides within my heart..." ??

A blue van pulled away from the curb, engine rattling. Just as it arrived, no one saw it leave. In-fact, for the most part, the van had gone relatively unnoticed. That's exactly how they wanted it. Just like everything else in their life, the van was specifically chosen to not draw attention. Attention is the devil's advocate -or so Lazarus would say- it's better to blend in. Usually the "devils advocate" is used to denote an unpopular or controversial opinion for the sake of an argument. I get that you're trying to say that it's bad to call attention yourself but I think you need to find a new euphemism.The van had been parked at the end of a quiet street in front of an even quieter home since three that morning. However, unlike its outwards appearance, the inside of it had been completely transformed. It resembled what can only be described as a prison on wheels. There was a thin chain-link barrier separating the two seats at the front from the rest. Ah, the rest; an empty cavern with barred windows -tinted as to deter anyone from noticing the differences- and metal rings attached to the floor. However, second time you have used "however" change it up the van's backside was anything but empty at that moment of departure. This sounds awkward.An elderly woman lay on its ripped floor, her hands tied. Rope snaked around each frail wrist until it joined and knotted around one of the metal rings. In the passenger seat sat a young man of twenty-one He had dark gray hair and green eyes and his right leg continued to bounce; up-down, up-down. His hair was already grey at twenty-one?? Premature grey/He was nervous. This was the first time he had gone on a run and while everything went as planned, adrenaline still pumped through his veins.

"Cut it out will ya, you're makin' me jumpy just watchin' you." The driver said sharply, turning the corner onto Main Street.

"Sorry. I just, can't believe I did that. It felt so-"

"Surreal?"

The passenger turned his head to look in the back, "yeah, that's it. If felt so surreal," he replied.

"Don't worry, you'll get used ta it." The driver reached over and put a hand on the young man's shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze before returning it to the steering wheel. "Look at it this way, we're just huntin'. Ya do it all the time with pops, it ain't any different now."

"But it is different. I mean, with pops we hunt deer sometimes elk for food but this is different. We aren't hunting to feed everyone, we're hunting for-"

"Fun?"

"Yeah."

The driver sighed, "Look. I get that your not used ta this, but come on brother, you participate so willin'ly after I do all the grunt work. So stop complainin' and get ya hands a little dirty."

The passenger looked over at his brother, who looked at him with raised eyebrows and a tight grin. He knew his brother was right, he always was, but something just kept eating away at him. It was one thing to be apart of the kill but hunting them, seeing the life to the person, it felt wrong.
So the kidnapper is having second doubts about kidnapping this old woman?
-----

He stood there in the middle of the courtyard, sweating like a beast despite the bitter cold. He gripped the butt of the rifle with both hands and started to violently shake. People were screaming. Others cried. Most of them tried to run but realized too late that they were trapped. Where is this?Somewhere, from far off Jasper could hear the shouts from the security guards telling him to put the gun down. But they were only voices to him, whispering in through one ear and yelling out the other.

There was someone coming up behind him, he could feel their presence. With one swift turn he raised the riffle, coming face to face with an average girl. She had her hands up in the air and her eyes spoke the words "don't shoot." He could see her hands shake a little as she continued to stand in front of him, but she didn't seem to have any intentions of moving.

"Get out of the way bitch. I will fucking shoot you." Jasper spat, he pushed the end of the barrel into her shoulder with so much force it knocked her down to the ground.

He watched her get up, brush the dirt from the butt of her jeans and take a step closer towards him. "You're not going to scare me off that easily."

"I swear to fucking God bitch, I will shoot you, get back with the others."

"Then do it."

Jasper stopped, a little taken aback. He didn't expect this and in turn he took a second glance at the girl who now stood with her forehead pressed to the barrel of his riffle. She had black hair tied up in a loose bun, her eyes were grey and it felt as if they were staring straight through him.

"Do it," she said "I dare you."

Jasper lowered the riffle. "Why do you want me to shoot you?" He asked, eyeing her closely.

"I don't."

"Then why did you --"

The girl smiled, it was a nervous smile but there was something behind that nervousness. Almost as if she knew he didn't have the balls to follow through. Slowly she reached her hand up just enough to touch his shoulder and then she leaned forward on tip toes until her face was directly next to his.

"Because I know you can't, no matter how much someone pleads or irritates you, you just can't. That's why. You see, you think you have what it takes, but you don't." He could hear her every breath, feel the air leave her lungs and brush the nape of his neck and he just stood there. Paralyzed. "Put the gun down, please," she whispered.

Eh, a bit sudden for 'chemistry' if that's what you're going for. Also while the girl is talking him down wouldn't someone else have seized the opportunity to jump the guy from behind and disarm him? I can't imagine that everyone just stands there watching the girl talk to him and does nothing? Unless he's not alone.

Overall, interesting premise, though I'm not really sure where it's leading.
/SPOILER]
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Abby

Please don't hesitate to message me if you have any comments or questions, I'm always happy to talk about anything reading or writing related. If you want me to look at your writing just ask!
It is not hard to write what one feels as truth. It is damned hard to live by it.
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