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Old 06-02-2017, 04:35 PM View Post #1 (Link) Pain Slave
ALOsborne (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: England
Posts: 4
Points: 11
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O' pain! My hated and foulest foe,
Your teeth bite down and I succumb,
Numb, I beg you let me go,
Relentless infatuation

I love, I love with desperation,
I crumble as it hurts me, breaks me
I fall, I fall deeper still,
I succumb again as pain takes me

Away! Away now, I beg it more,
I claw at the fading moments passing,
I lie down still and beneath the door,
I see my foul foe dancing

O' pain! My cruel and punishing master,
Your claws break the skin,
My heart is sick, I feel the infection
The disease creeping in

I yield, I yield I am weak and weary,
I lie against the cold ground, still
Pain kicks me cruelly, get up fool,
I fear I never will

But sleep, I feel sleep can save me,
My eyes grow heavier as I leave him
The abyss beckons as a new master wakes me,
He whispers softly,... "Grieve him".


Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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Old 06-04-2017, 10:37 AM View Post #2 (Link) My Critique
Rebekah (Offline)
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 43
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Times Thanked: 7
What a great poem! I loved reading it. Pain slave is short but effective. It had the element of mystery, but I was still able to imagine what was happening. I can't think of any way that you could improve it!
A very accomplished poem. Well done.
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Rebekah

Have A Great Day!
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Old 06-07-2017, 12:52 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
ALOsborne (Offline)
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Location: England
Posts: 4
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Thank you very much, I appreciate the compliment and I'm thrilled that you enjoyed it.

I will have to read something of yours and take the time to appreciate your talents as you have done mine.

Many thanks,
A. Osborne
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Old 06-08-2017, 02:39 AM View Post #4 (Link) Pain Slave
Molly (Offline)
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: US
Posts: 6
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Times Thanked: 1
Hi AlOsborne!

Wow! I absolutely loved this poem. It was short, but in its shortness it was able to convey a large amount of complexity. Your poem is very deep, and it left a great mystery lingering after I had read it. The smoothness of the lines and the flawless word choice was amazing. What an amazing work of art! Keep up the good work!

-Molly
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