We Built An Island When It Was Summer

Andeme · 04-15-2017, 10:12 PM

(while listening to Heroes by David Bowie)

We agree on everything we say,
As if we don’t realise one’s destiny may go astray
And our words, crystal castles, will decay.
You ask me to stay, ‘with me you must stay’,
And I can anticipate the tears that’ll form a bay.
The splitting bay.

On your chest, soaking soil, I simply lay
After my lips- which are still wet-
Have recapped our yesterday.
Time is merciful and we do anything to delay
That abysmal bay;
The one you ignore, privileged child of May.
///
Chill weather; dull or bright, carelessly
We can make it either way.
The splitting bay is now on our way,
And our love glows gray.

As a rock in the ocean, our rock in the…

TheRaconteur · 04-17-2017, 08:36 AM

This is a pretty well written poem. I did not really find any grammatical errors as I read this. Anyways, I like how you had repetition and how you were careful of not overdoing it. Your rhyming is pretty good. Also, adding in a small dialogue was an interesting move. It's not something you would see often. The use of metaphors and imagery was great. It really added to the mood.

As for my more personal opinions on this, there was clearly a somber tone which I kind of felt but not a lot (because of me not you). I'm impressed with how you managed to make the lines flow to the next. You must be an experienced writer.

Great job. Please do write more. I'm sure that your future works will be as great if not greater.
Good luck!

Btw, I'm not a professional. I am only an avid writer.

Andeme · 04-17-2017, 08:34 PM

Abstract Thinker,

Thank you for your words. Nah, I am not but I do write and I don't think its the right time to call myself an experienced writer. I will definitely post more stuff... Oh and your poetry ain't bad, I like your simplicity and the chillness of the sentences. I wish I could see some of your prose (not a member yet

)

ALOsborne · 06-02-2017, 03:54 PM

For the most part, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem for a couple of reasons;-
Your ability to maintain a very somber note was impressive. Somber can tumble over into depressive and dramatic within a matter of moments, and it isn't always what the author intends. This didn't happen for you.
I also enjoyed the way it sounds almost anxious- whilst reading it I felt on the edge of some abyss that could swallow me whole. It may sound vague, but you kept pulling the reader back from the metaphorical edge every now and then just enough for us to breathe, and although that anxiety remains, it seemed somewhat indifferent to the pain it depicted.
A very interesting and evocative piece of writing.

Well done.

04-17-2017, 08:36 AM	View Post #2 (Link) Critique
TheRaconteur Abstract Thinker Join Date: Nov 2016 Location: The Realm of Creation, Birthplace of many worlds Posts: 46 Points: 3.73 Times Thanked: 3	This is a pretty well written poem. I did not really find any grammatical errors as I read this. Anyways, I like how you had repetition and how you were careful of not overdoing it. Your rhyming is pretty good. Also, adding in a small dialogue was an interesting move. It's not something you would see often. The use of metaphors and imagery was great. It really added to the mood. As for my more personal opinions on this, there was clearly a somber tone which I kind of felt but not a lot (because of me not you). I'm impressed with how you managed to make the lines flow to the next. You must be an experienced writer. Great job. Please do write more. I'm sure that your future works will be as great if not greater. Good luck! Btw, I'm not a professional. I am only an avid writer. __________________ As a writer, any day is good as long as progress is made - J.R.B

04-15-2017, 10:12 PM	View Post #1 (Link) We Built An Island When It Was Summer
Andeme Literary Newbie Join Date: Apr 2017 Location: London Posts: 3 Points: 1.94 Times Thanked: 0	(while listening to Heroes by David Bowie) We agree on everything we say, As if we don’t realise one’s destiny may go astray And our words, crystal castles, will decay. You ask me to stay, ‘with me you must stay’, And I can anticipate the tears that’ll form a bay. The splitting bay. On your chest, soaking soil, I simply lay After my lips- which are still wet- Have recapped our yesterday. Time is merciful and we do anything to delay That abysmal bay; The one you ignore, privileged child of May. /// Chill weather; dull or bright, carelessly We can make it either way. The splitting bay is now on our way, And our love glows gray. As a rock in the ocean, our rock in the…

04-17-2017, 08:34 PM	View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Andeme Literary Newbie Join Date: Apr 2017 Location: London Posts: 3 Points: 1.94 Times Thanked: 0	Abstract Thinker, Thank you for your words. Nah, I am not but I do write and I don't think its the right time to call myself an experienced writer. I will definitely post more stuff... Oh and your poetry ain't bad, I like your simplicity and the chillness of the sentences. I wish I could see some of your prose (not a member yet )

06-02-2017, 03:54 PM	View Post #4 (Link)
ALOsborne Literary Newbie Join Date: May 2016 Location: England Posts: 4 Points: 11 Times Thanked: 0	For the most part, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem for a couple of reasons;- Your ability to maintain a very somber note was impressive. Somber can tumble over into depressive and dramatic within a matter of moments, and it isn't always what the author intends. This didn't happen for you. I also enjoyed the way it sounds almost anxious- whilst reading it I felt on the edge of some abyss that could swallow me whole. It may sound vague, but you kept pulling the reader back from the metaphorical edge every now and then just enough for us to breathe, and although that anxiety remains, it seemed somewhat indifferent to the pain it depicted. A very interesting and evocative piece of writing. Well done.