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Old 12-24-2016, 12:45 PM View Post #1 (Link) I'm still finding my way
Charlotte S (Offline)
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I'm still finding my way,
Searching through the grey
I'm lost in myself today
Running from the road of delay

I'm still finding my way through here
I'm lost on the path
Not feeling much love near
Only hearing a mocking laugh

I'm still finding my way, but i will need help
I know it is hard
I keep running from those who skelp
But those who make me strong are those who my skin has scarred.

I'm still finding my way
I don't know if i'll make it today
Parts of my world are still a sullen grey
but from finding my way i must not delay.
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Old 12-27-2016, 09:55 PM View Post #2 (Link)
nikki_tikki (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Charlotte S View Post
I'm still finding my way,
Searching through the grey
I'm lost in myself today
Running from the road of delay
I really like the first three lines, they give a melancholy air, and seem to transport me. Almost like walking through a fog. But then I hit the forth line, and I get really confused. I think I can see where you're going, but I can't quite meet you there. You know you aren't on the right 'road', that you're 'delayed', and of course that's bad. But I don't think 'road' is the best word to use here. Maybe 'thought', instead? It would tie back to being lost in yourself like the previous line says.

Originally Posted by Charlotte S View Post
I'm still finding my way through here
I'm lost on the path
Not feeling much love near
Only hearing a mocking laugh
I really have nothing to add to this stanza, it's really nicely done!

Originally Posted by Charlotte S View Post
I'm still finding my way, but i will need help
I know it is hard
I keep running from those who skelp
But those who make me strong are those who my skin has scarred.
You have an lowercase 'I' here that I think was meant to be uppercase. Also, consider using 'it's' as opposed to 'it is', as you've already been using the contraction 'I'm', and will go on to use 'I'll'.
Aside from the grammar, this for me is a lot like the first stanza. I really the first three lines (though I did need to look up the meaning of 'skelp'), but then the forth line pulls me out of my immersion. I absolutely get what you're saying here, but I did have to think about it. This may be another cultural thing, but I think simply changing 'has' to 'have' makes the line read a lot better.

Originally Posted by Charlotte S View Post
I'm still finding my way
I don't know if i'll make it today
Parts of my world are still a sullen grey
but from finding my way i must not delay.
Another lowercase couple 'I's, but other from that I really like it! A really nice conclusion, I like the way the last line flows. Overall it's a really nice poem.

Good job, and if you have any questions for me about this critique, just send me a message.
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Old 01-04-2017, 05:07 PM View Post #3 (Link)
Chanston Kay (Offline)
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Finally some poetry, seems like not many people write poetry anymore.



Originally Posted by Charlotte S View Post
I'm still finding my way,
Searching through the grey
I'm lost in myself today
Running from the road of delay

I'm still finding my way through here
I'm lost on the path
Not feeling much love near
Only hearing a mocking laugh
Sad but well written
I'm still finding my way, but i will need help
I know it is hard
I keep running from those who skelp
But those who make me strong are those who my skin has scarred.

I'm still finding my way
I don't know if i'll make it today
Parts of my world are still a sullen grey
but from finding my way i must not delay.
Wow this is an amazing poem, only thing I would say would be maybe switch out the word skelp Its not an actually word in the dictionary and I think it might be a typo.
Other than that great work, I will definitely remember this one! Keep writing
-Chanston Kay
  
						Last edited by Chanston Kay; 01-04-2017 at 05:10 PM.
					
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Old 01-04-2017, 05:09 PM View Post #4 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Charlotte S (Offline)
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Skelp is an actual word, it is just not used often. Look it up on the internet.
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Old 01-07-2017, 02:15 PM View Post #5 (Link)
lalodragon (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Charlotte S View Post
Skelp is an actual word, it is just not used often. Look it up on the internet.
Just because it's a real world, doesn't mean it's the best word. I have never heard it before, and when I looked it up I got this: which is not what you meant, is it? Your intended definition, to slap, was not the first result. So you're using a secondary definition of an already rare word. It makes the poem feel strained and inaccessible. Let's say I found this in a journal. I would probably not look up that word, so it would be like a hole in the page that I've just got to skip over and ignore. I've lost whatever you intended to mean. Even if I did set aside the poem, look up the word, and reread, I've lost the spontaneous joy of finding a really good poem. And chances are, I either can't find the meaning of the word (if I'm using a physical dictionary) or I find the wrong meaning and have to try and figure out why you're talking about iron!


So using a weird word has already marred my experience of the poem. On top of that, I can totally tell that it's not a word you use usually, it's something you got from a rhyme generator. It's an obvious unnatural strain to rhyme. One of the most important tricks in rhyming is to make your rhyme feel natural-- and that's hard. A lot of people recommend free verse in this day and age, but if you're going to use rhyme you've got to get comfortable with it, and learn to let the rhyme work for you, instead of twisting your language to work for the rhyme.
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Old 06-12-2017, 05:05 PM View Post #6 (Link)
Sayandeep Sahoo (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Charlotte S View Post
I'm still finding my way,
Searching through the grey
I'm lost in myself today
Running from the road of delay

I'm still finding my way through here
I'm lost on the path
Not feeling much love near
Only hearing a mocking laugh

I'm still finding my way, but i will need help
I know it is hard
I keep running from those who skelp
But those who make me strong are those who my skin has scarred.

I'm still finding my way
I don't know if i'll make it today
Parts of my world are still a sullen grey
but from finding my way i must not delay.

This work is great.. It's been long I came across something written so constructively.. It's beautiful I must say.. Stay in touch and keep writing always
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