Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 11-26-2016, 07:56 AM View Post #1 (Link) Which way
Rebekah (Offline)
Abstract Thinker
 
Rebekah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 41
Points: 20
Times Thanked: 7
Hi guys. This is my first post, so I would love to hear any criticism.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walking down the cobbled street, Maddie turned around. They were still there. A gang of boys and girls were following her, there faces red with rage. " It isn't even any of there business," Maddie thought.
Ever since the school bully, Catlin, had found her phone in Maddie's bag, she had got together her friends. Only Maddie knew that she hadn't actually stolen Catlin's phone, but Catlin didn't want to here her side of the story. Shouting insults and nasty comments, the bullies had followed Maddie since she left the school gates.

She headed up through the park, but the bullies still hadn't left her. Her only option was to run through the skate park, that was full of teenagers. Maddie's mouth was dry. Her palms were sweating. Running meant facing kids older and taller than her, maybe even getting hit by skateboards rolling down the ramps or breathing in the smoke from their cigarettes. However, it kept her safe from the bullies. Staying where she was meant facing the bullies, getting shouted at and hurt, but not having to inhale lots of fumes or risk getting hit by skateboards. She decided to run...
Which way would you have gone?
  
						Last edited by Rebekah; 11-29-2016 at 08:09 PM.
					
					 Reason: To improve my writing
					Reply With Quote
Old 11-27-2016, 05:10 AM View Post #2 (Link) My Critique
Jaclynwrites (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Jaclynwrites's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 15
Points: 23.59
Times Thanked: 2
Hello Rebekah! I am new here as well and this is my first critique...I hope I am doing this right!
I think that you did a really good job of presenting the tone of your story. It gave me a feeling of instensity which I believe was your desired effect. There are a few things though, that I have questiones about.
I wanted to know why the "bullies" were chasing her, and what did they want. To me, it almost seemed like they were actually walking after her with no specific purpose.
Also, I feel like you could have used better vocabulary. Unless this is a childrens book, you should go a little bit deeper with your language. "A gang of angry boys and Girls" almost seems like a group of preschoolers mad about a lack of crayons. There is a saying in the writing world called "show, don't tell." If these kids really are angry, you should show it instead of saying: they're angry. If this were my piece, I would say: "A huge mob of children chased after her. They were red faced and they had a terrifying look in their eyes, as if they had terrible plans with Maddie."
This shows a tiny bit of foreshadowing as well.
Of course, this is your own piece, so it is your choice how to word and such. But the phrase "show, don't tell" has helped me a lot over the course of my short writing career. At first I did not understand it, but then I looked at examples to help me. I hope this has helped you. Please reach out if you have any further questions.

xoxo, Jaclyn
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-28-2016, 07:58 AM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Rebekah (Offline)
Abstract Thinker
 
Rebekah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 41
Points: 20
Times Thanked: 7
Thanks for your advice. I will edit it. I was planning on writing a second part, do you think that is useful?
I appreciate your criticism.
Thanks again
Rebekah
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-29-2016, 05:56 AM View Post #4 (Link)
Anima (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Colorado
Posts: 4
Points: 9.67
Times Thanked: 0
It has a good start, but needs more context. I like how you set the scene at the skatepark, and described the choice your character had to make. It does need context.
Bullies were chasing her?
Why we're the Bullies chasing her?
What were the hurtful things being said?
Sorry for the short critic, not much to say.
Overall, this story is getting somewhere, just needs to be edited with more details, and grammar mistakes should be looked at (sorry, good story!).
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-29-2016, 06:05 PM View Post #5 (Link) reply
Jaclynwrites (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Jaclynwrites's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 15
Points: 23.59
Times Thanked: 2
Originally Posted by Rebekah View Post
Thanks for your advice. I will edit it. I was planning on writing a second part, do you think that is useful?
I appreciate your criticism.
Thanks again
Rebekah
Yes, writing some context will be very useful. Explain what was going on with the story, ask questions. I think this is a great start overall.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11-29-2016, 08:11 PM View Post #6 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Rebekah (Offline)
Abstract Thinker
 
Rebekah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 41
Points: 20
Times Thanked: 7
I have edited my story and it is now above. I took on board all of your comments and it really helped me.
Thanks to everyone who has suggested improvements.
Much appreciated,
Rebekah😀
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-20-2017, 08:19 PM View Post #7 (Link)
11caleb11 (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 3
Points: 6.97
Times Thanked: 0
Walking down the cobbled street, Maddie turned around.

Add more detail in this starting sentence.
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:25 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.