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Old 11-14-2016, 05:29 PM View Post #1 (Link) The fight for life part 2
Charlotte S (Offline)
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I stood outside the large dining room, watching people falling from their ornate chairs. My heart broke when I saw a child fall from his chair.

Resigning myself to my fate I sucked in a huge breath and ran headfirst into the haze. My head began to reel and I started thinking about the previously unthought of dilemmas. My eyes were stinging and my hands began to shake. I had to decide who to bring out first, Christian or Lillian. I settled on Christian because he could help me retrieve the other dying people.

Christian began to revive as soon as we reached the hall way. He sat up and looked around him, obviously dazed.

"Christian?" I asked, worried for the sanity that still remained in him.


"Hey dude." I grinned but Christian just looked at me confused,

"What happened? Why do I feel like I almost died?" I stared at him,

"That's because you did just almost die." Having said so I left him sitting, staring at the wall, evidently dazed. Running back into the restaurant I dragged Lillian from the room and leaving her in Christian's care ran back for the child I had seen fall from his chair.
When I returned Christian was standing, looking more alert.

I quickly explained what was happening and though i received a few weird looks from him, he immediately started to help me retrieve people from the poisonous gas's.
I had managed to haul 20 people fr th room, with the help of Christian when i had an idea.

"Christian, you know how i managed to save more people with your help?" Christian nodded as i continued,
"well we should get the males to help us and leave the females to protect the children." Christians face lit up and without delay he began shouting orders at the men we had lugged from the restaurant.

I turned, a spark of hope igniting a fire in my soul. I was surprised how ever when Chalin appeared in front of me again.

" The games are not supposed to go like this!" she hissed.

"Like what?" i asked my fire dwindling inside me.

"You are not meant to have help. urrrhg! well on your head be it."

Any hope I had disappeared in that moment and dread settled in.
						Last edited by Charlotte S; 11-14-2016 at 06:47 PM.
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Old 11-16-2016, 06:51 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Lykaios (Offline)
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Locked until you do a proper critique.
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Old 12-01-2016, 01:03 AM View Post #3 (Link) Critique
Jaclynwrites (Offline)
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After reading part one I thought that everyone was going to end up dying. You had the same problem as before, you went a little bit too fast. I didn't know what was happening until I went back and read the story again. You have a great concept but I would ]like some context. Who is Chian and why does she suddenly appear? Why is she doing this to this restaurant? Why is she angry at the way that Charmene decides to save the people. I was left confused.
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Old 12-05-2016, 10:07 AM View Post #4 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Charlotte S (Offline)
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Thank you. One of my flaws in my writing is i tend to move to quickly. I will make the changes you have suggested. Part three will explain about Chalin.
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Old 12-21-2016, 07:34 PM View Post #5 (Link)
Rosie zizi (Offline)
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I think part 2 was a lot more descriptive than part 1 but I still think it needs to move a little slower and also explain what they were doing in the restaurant, how the mist came and why the task has been set. Otherwise it was a brilliant piece of writing..
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Old 12-21-2016, 07:39 PM View Post #6 (Link)
Shooting star ⭐️ (Offline)
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This was a very dramatic scene. I think you might need to slow down sometimes and think about informing your readers what is going in a bit more detail. It might help if you described your characters and the surroundings to help the reader picture the scene in there mind. But I thought it was really good and I loved the short sentences to build tension.
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