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Old 11-14-2016, 08:38 AM View Post #1 (Link) The fight for life part 1
Charlotte S (Offline)
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I sat at the large round table in the hotel restaurant, surrounded by friends, laughing and chatting. My best friend Christian was sitting beside me rolling around in hysterics at something my twin, Lillian, had said. Everything was perfect. I stood up, excusing myself to go to the bathroom. as i sat i looked at my phone, wishing something exciting would happen. I walked out of the bathrooms, surprised by the sudden silence. Suddenly a person materialized in front of me.
"What the heck?" I asked, amazed. The person grinned. she was blue from head to foor, with black teeth and a horn protruding from her head.
"Hi!" She giggled in a high, squeaky voice. "i'm Chani. We need your help." I looked at her, incredulous.
"no. I'm just here for dinner with my friends."
" More specifically with your friends, twin and 'best friend.'"
"How do you know?" I asked,m fear beginning to overwhelm me.
"They are the people you came with. Look in the dining room." Looking i saw a green mist hanging gently in the air. I gasped when i saw Christian and Lillian lying prostrate on the floor. i wanted to run to them, pull them from the room of mist but my feet were stuck to the floor. the mist thickened and Chani grabbed my arm.
"You save them, you immediately have to save everyone else." Gulping i nodded, "The mist gets worse as as the hands on the clock get closer to reaching twelve. Anyone who is still in a room at 12:00 with the mist will die. You have 4 hours and five hundred people to save. If you don't want to save them, then your friends will die." So saying Chani disappeared as fast as she had appeared.
  
						Last edited by Charlotte S; 11-14-2016 at 03:29 PM.
					
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Old 11-14-2016, 09:08 AM View Post #2 (Link) Critique
TheRaconteur (Offline)
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Woah wait, hold on a second. I have a fair amount of things to say. First of all, this is very interesting. It started out normal, and then immediately skyrocketed through space and time, tearing apart the fabric of the universe (which is good. A story needs to hook readers). By the way, I first thought this was set as a medieval Knights of the round table thing until the phone was brought up (just saying).

Anyways, you should know that you must start a new paragraph at the end of a dialogue unless if you're adding a tag of who's saying what and or how. The tag is the only thing that can interrupt dialogue to separate it and it is the only thing that can be at the end of one. There can only be one tag per dialogue. A dialogue tag looks like the part at the end of this - "Ducks will never rise again!" the southern accented old man shouted.
There can be no more sentences unless if you're continuing the dialogue of the same person. There are specific rules for dialogue which is hard to explain.

Another thing, "You have 4 hours and five hundred people to save..." a thought the characters were in a dining room of some place. There's either a error in thinking or you just need to explain the setting a bit more. Also, depending on the setting, that's going to be an impossible task since the main character has to save one person around every 48 seconds.

Aside from grammatical errors and logic, this is a very very very interesting piece of writing. I am very much curious how this continues.
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Old 11-14-2016, 03:28 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Charlotte S (Offline)
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Thank you for your critique. Having read over I see what you mean. What if the protagonist manages to revive her friends and the more people she saves the more people there are to help her save the other persons?
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Old 12-01-2016, 01:54 AM View Post #4 (Link) Critique
Jaclynwrites (Offline)
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Wow! This escalated very quickly! [/B]Which is a good thing, but it was a little too much for me[/B]. I think you need to slow this down a little bit, but not too much. Don't just fill the story with useless details though, that could get very boring fast. I think that you wanted to make this a very intense piece, and you succeeded at that! I would just break down the story a little bit more.
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Old 12-20-2016, 09:11 PM View Post #5 (Link) The Fight for Life - Part 1
Maple River (Offline)
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Corrections are in red, potential word changes are in orange.

Originally Posted by Charlotte S View Post
I sat at the large round table in the hotel restaurant, surrounded by friends, laughing and chatting. My best friend(comma) Christian (comma) was sitting beside me(comma) rolling around in hysterics at something my twin, Lillian, had said. Everything was perfect. I stood up, excusing myself to go to the bathroom. As I sat I looked at my phone, wishing something exciting would happen. I walked out of the bathrooms, surprised by the sudden silence. Suddenly a person materialized in front of me.

"What the heck?" I asked, amazed. (paragraph) The person grinned. She was blue from head to toe, with black teeth and a horn protruding from her head.

"Hi!" she giggled in a high, squeaky voice. "I'm Chani. We need your help." Connect the action to the speaker below--> I looked at her, incredulous.

"No. I'm just here for dinner with my friends."

"More specifically with your friends, twin and best friend.'"

"How do you know?" I asked, my fear beginning to overwhelm me.

"They are the people you came with. Look in the dining room." (paragraph) Looking I saw a green mist hanging gently in the air. I gasped when i saw Christian and Lillian lying prostrate on the floor. I wanted to run to them, pull them from the room of mist (comma) but my feet were stuck to the floor. The mist thickened and Chani grabbed my arm.

"You save them, you immediately have to save everyone else." (paragraph) Gulping I nodded<--Period here, and paragraph "The mist gets worse as as the hands on the clock get closer to reaching twelve. Anyone who is still in a room at 12:00 with the mist will die. You have four hours and five hundred people to save. If you don't want to save them, then your friends will die." So saying, Chani disappeared as fast as she had appeared.

Don't be too overwhelmed by all the red, that's just my inner grammar Nazi rearing it's head. I like how quickly it gets to the action, and the suspense and threat of death really draws a reader in. I'm very curious to see how the protagonist deals with the stress she's been put under. Now, I would suggest adding a tad bit more detail to some areas to strengthen the setting to go along with the dialogue. I wonder why Chani is so happy when people could potentially die... unless it's all Chani's doing.

With a little work, I would definitely keep reading about the protagonist and this mysterious mist.
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Old 12-21-2016, 11:26 AM View Post #6 (Link)
Rosie zizi (Offline)
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I think you need to slow down a bit. In some ways moving fast was good as it hooks the reader so the finding that every thing was silent and not quite right was in a very good place but I think you need to add more description in the beginning and describe chani a little more. I also think that you should add emotions for when you find your friends and twin in the mist compared to what yo felt in the restaurant before.
The general storyline was amazing and you are an extremely good writer but slowing down may take it to the next level, you never know.
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Old 12-24-2016, 10:00 AM View Post #7 (Link)
Ruby Dawn (Offline)
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Great story. I'd buy it if it was in a bookshop (and full length). You missed a few capital letters here and there, but other than that it was good. Keep writing!
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Old 12-24-2016, 08:41 PM View Post #8 (Link)
qwertyuiop (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Charlotte S View Post
I sat at the large round table in the hotel restaurant, surrounded by friends, laughing and chatting. My best friend Christian was sitting beside me rolling around in hysterics at something my twin, Lillian, had said. Everything was perfect. I stood up, excusing myself to go to the bathroom. as As I sat I looked at my phone, wishing something exciting would happen. I walked out of the bathrooms, surprised by the sudden silence. Suddenly a person materialized in front of me.
"What the heck?" I asked, amazed. The person grinned. She was blue from head to foor foot, with black teeth and a horn protruding from her head.
"Hi!" She giggled in a high, squeaky voice. "I'm Chani. We need your help." I looked at her, incredulous.
"No. I'm just here for dinner with my friends."
" More specifically with your friends, twin and 'best friend.'"
"How do you know?" I asked,m fear beginning to overwhelm me.
"They are the people you came with. Look in the dining room." Looking , I saw a green mist hanging gently in the air. I gasped when I saw Christian and Lillian lying prostrate on the floor. I wanted to run to them, pull them from the room of mist but my feet were stuck to the floor. the mist thickened and Chani grabbed my arm.
"You save them, you immediately have to save everyone else." Gulping I nodded, "The mist gets worse as as the hands on the clock get closer to reaching twelve. Anyone who is still in a room at 12:00 with the mist will die. You have 4 hours and five hundred people to save. If you don't want to save them, then your friends will die." So saying Chani disappeared as fast as she had appeared.
Highlighted in red are some mistakes with their correction in green. The story is fast paced and I think that if you had put a little character description, it would have been better. On the other hand, the plot is interesting and I would like to hear some more of this amazing story. There are some mistakes in your capitals but nothing too big. I would enjoy it if you could add some description on the setting and tell us the characters name, but that's about it.the text says: As I sat I looked at my phone. If you could add description to your phone and where you sat, it would be great.
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