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Old 10-05-2016, 03:14 PM View Post #1 (Link) A Very Short Story Titled The Thief
Shaddix (Offline)
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The Thief

She sees her feet dragging across the carpet, but it is not her own power that wills her to do so. She is nothing more than a puppet now, being pulled by its strings. When they pass the family portraits, he uses her hand to knock them off the wall, just because he knows she doesn’t want to. He relishes in her loss of control; the control he has taken from her. Even when his ghostly form abandons her flesh, he will stain the corridors of her true home like a sticky residue. He feels the glass through her fingers as he grazes the frames and flicks them off their nails. They fall to the soft ground in thuds, only one breaking. He kneels down slowly and takes a shard of it in her hand, and as she rises he hangs her shoulders low, as he carries her body like a second skin, a disposable layer.

When they reach the door at the end of the hall, she refuses to blink in an attempt to glaze over her vision, but he sees right through the tears, he sees the blue light pouring out over the floor. His rented right hand tightens around the glass but her skin does not break as she enters the room. The nightly news plays silently on the small TV screen, casting shadows that would not have otherwise existed. Showing her the daughter that she would not have otherwise been able to see.

They see her there, too young to sleep on her own every night but too old to admit she is still afraid of the dark.

“She should really be afraid of you.” Her lips form the words but it’s not her that’s speaking. Her daughter stirs for a moment under the cotton sheets before finding satisfaction in the cool side of her mother’s pillow.

Please don’t make me do this. Please don’t make me do this. She begs her body to listen to her instead of its foreign invader, but her body isn’t just hers anymore. He’s the ultimate thief, and when he is done bathing in innocent blood he will shed her skin and his own hands will be clean, but she will be left with the consequences.
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Old 10-06-2016, 09:13 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Apocalypse (Offline)
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Suggestions.
Grammar/Spelling corrections.
Things I think you should remove.

Originally Posted by Shaddix View Post
The Thief

She sees her feet dragging across the carpet, but it is not her own power that wills her to do so. She is nothing more than a puppet now, being pulled by its strings. When they who? pass the family portraits, he uses her hand to knock them off the wall, just because he knows she doesn’t want to. He relishes in her loss of control; the control he has taken from her. Even when his ghostly form abandons her flesh, he will stain the corridors of her true home like a sticky residue. He feels the glass through her fingers as he grazes the frames and flicks them off their nails. This is such a weird sentence. Using 'flick' and 'nails', for a moment there I thought you were talking about flicking something off her nails. Maybe rephrase this? They fall to the soft ground in thuds (I had to read this twice to know what "they" you are talking about) Okay, 'they' are the portraits. Gotcha., only one breaking. He kneels down slowly and takes a shard of it broken, sharp shard in her hand, and as she rises, he hangs her shoulders low, as he carries her body like a second skin, a disposable layer.

When they reach the door at the end of the hall, she refuses to blink in an attempt to glaze over her vision, (What? But isn't she supposed to have like, zero control?) but he sees right through the tears, he sees the blue light pouring out over the floor. His rented right hand tightens around the glass but her skin does not break as she enters the room. This sentence made my eyes bleed. I'll tell you why later.* The nightly news plays silently on the small TV screen, casting shadows that would not have otherwise existed.; Sshowing her the daughter that she would not have otherwise been able to see.

They see her there, too young to sleep on her own every night but too old to admit she is still afraid of the dark.

“She should really be afraid of you.” Her lips form the words but it’s not her that’s (I suggest who is instead of that's) speaking. Her daughter stirs for a moment under the cotton sheets before finding satisfaction in the cool side of her mother’s pillow.

Please don’t make me do this. Please don’t make me do this. She begs her body to listen to her instead of its foreign invader, but her body isn’t just hers anymore. He’s the ultimate thief, and when he is done bathing in innocent blood he will shed her skin and his own hands will be clean, but she will be left with the consequences.
That was pretty awesome.

I liked it. I mean, there are a few things you can work on so that the story flows better, but it's creepy as hell -- which I'm guessing is your whole point. And I really liked that you are 100% showing. No telling here! Yay!

*Okay, about this sentence:

His rented right hand tightens around the glass but her skin does not break as she enters the room.
First off, 'rented' isn't the word you are looking for. Because he is not actually paying for his stay, right? It's more of a possessed kind of thing. Invaded, perhaps. Also, the flow of events here is really awkward. Tightens hand but skin doesn't break as entering the room... Does that sound right to you?

I'd say you should go for something more along the lines of:
As he dragged her body from the inside out into the room, he tightened his grip on the glass without breaking skin, the glass reflecting and refracting the blue of the TV screen.

Or whatever you want. Just try rephrasing it a little because it really doesn't sound right.

Anyway! Fantastic short story. I really love stories like this. Job well done setting the pace.

I hope I was of help.

P.S. Why The Thief and not The Murderer? It's the perfect crime.
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						Last edited by Apocalypse; 10-09-2016 at 03:34 AM.
					
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Old 12-18-2017, 10:20 AM View Post #3 (Link)
Chips (Offline)
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Hi! I really liked it, it's well written, creepy, and the way the story flows is just perfect. Sent shivers down my spine!
Signed, a fellow author.
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Old 03-19-2018, 11:29 PM View Post #4 (Link)
nameless (Offline)
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The Thief

She sees her feet dragging across the carpet, but it is not her own power that wills her to do so. She is nothing more than a puppet now, being pulled by its strings. When they pass the family portraits, he uses her hand to knock them off the wall, just because he knows she doesnít want to. He relishes in her loss of control; the control he has taken from her. Even when his ghostly form abandons her flesh, he will stain the corridors of her true home like a sticky residue. He feels the glass through her fingers as he grazes the frames and flicks them off their nails. They fall to the soft ground in thuds, only one breaking. Again, to know that only one shard breaks may be a bit irrelevant as it is just for dramatic effect, but the story itself is already pretty tense and dramatic, which is good. So just extra info there" He kneels down slowly and takes a shard of it in her hand, and as she rises he hangs her shoulders low, as he carries her body like a second skin, a disposable layer.

Perhaps the "disposable layer" bit feels like extra information here. I think the reader gets the idea with what you said."

When they reach the door at the end of the hall, she refuses to blink in an attempt to glaze over her vision, but he sees right through the tears, he sees the blue light pouring out over the floor. His rented right hand tightens around the glass but her skin does not break as she enters the room. The nightly news plays silently on the small TV screen, casting shadows that would not have otherwise existed. Showing her the daughter that she would not have otherwise been able to see.

They see her there, too young to sleep on her own every night but too old to admit she is still afraid of the dark.

ďShe should really be afraid of you.Ē Her lips form the words but itís not her thatís speaking. Her daughter stirs for a moment under the cotton sheets before finding satisfaction in the cool side of her motherís pillow.

Please donít make me do this. Please donít make me do this. She begs her body to listen to her instead of its foreign invader, but her body isnít just hers anymore. Heís the ultimate thief, and when he is done bathing in innocent blood he will shed her skin and his own hands will be clean, but she will be left with the consequences.

My biggest critique is not of the story itself, but the idea behind it. Is it really the person's (i.e the puppet) who has to live with the consequences or the puppet master? This is more of an invite to a philosophical debate.

Take Hitler, he never, not once, killed a person of the jewish faith, his subordinates did (the gestapo). However, we attribute every death that we know of during the holocaust to him, because he is the one that gave the order.

In your story, i'd argue that the character may only have to live with the fact that if it she had control of her actions, she would not have done what she did. It is the intent that matters and not the actual act itself, b/c the actual act itself is determined by the intent, whether it was done under a justification (like self-defense), accident, or just plain old malice. If anything she would just have to suffer from some form of PTSD from looking at a dead person.

Sorry, other than that, pretty good (Very) short story. i enjoyed. Has a hidden philosophical meaning when one reads between the lines. Don't know if you intended this or not, but regardless, really good.
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Old 05-07-2018, 12:15 AM View Post #5 (Link) Critique
ForeverFantasy (Offline)
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A nice, bone-chilling story...but who's the girl? Why is she controlled by the man?
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Old 05-10-2018, 12:39 AM View Post #6 (Link) My Opinion
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I'll be honest, I loved it! As a young writer my self, this encouraged me. But, there are still some mistakes but I mean, we're not all perfect, right?
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