Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

YWO Social Groups



Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository (US) (UK) (Canada)


Thread Tools
Old 07-06-2016, 07:34 PM View Post #1 (Link) Absolution Intro Cutscene and Prologue
GeonamicWarrior (Offline)
Aspiring Author
GeonamicWarrior's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 507
Points: 20
Times Thanked: 16
The below is for my currently-in-development visual novel video game, and it might sound like a short story or novel, but it's not quite the same even with its similarities. There will be breaks in sequences where the player will be doing interactive stuff, so I've cut them out to keep the focus on the story here for critiques, but that might make your reading flow abrupt, so remember this.

Intro Cutscene

In a prison cell, Zack lies on his top-bunker bed. He looks at Vincent when he hears a pencil slamming on the desk. "Yo, did ya finish whatever that is?"

Vincent turns around on his stool and smiles. "Yes, I finally developed my own video game."

Zack slides a stool next to him by the table and eyes the stacks of paper. "Looks like essays to me."

Vincent grabs a slice of a stack. "It's not exactly a video game. Um, I guess it'd be a paper game? Look at this."

A paper sheet with the text, "'Absolution,' 'New Game,' 'New Game+,' 'Continue,' 'Extras,' and 'Quit,'" shines in the window's spotlight on the desk.

Zack scratches his chin. "Huh, it looks like a title screen for a video game alright. I've played a lot of games back then, so, mind if I playtest your game?"

"Of course! If you have any questions or want to share any feedback, tell me right away, please."


Rick faces a man sitting on the other side of a desk and says, "Mr. Maverick, I asked to have an appointment with you for today because I'd like to quit my job here."

"This is sudden. How come you're leaving? You seemed fine washing the dishes."

Rick slams his fists on the wood, shaking the writing contents on the desk. "I might've looked fine, but I actually hate this job! My co-workers are an insult to society, dishwashing is boring even for the payrate, customers look down on me as they pass by, and the insulation for my area sucks!"

Maverick takes out his wallet and rolls ten coins to Rick's hands. "These are your Chips as payment for last week. I'm sorry that you didn't like working here."

Rick swipes them before stepping out.

Among a crowd of men and women, he checks the Bounty Board and furrows his eyebrows at one. "'Kill four giant red ants and one giant sand fly. Reward: 20 Chips. Target Location and Pay Location: Jukeswell Ave. 1472. Details: Hurry!' Posted... six days ago?" Rick snatches a copy of the flyer down.

"That bounty looks like it was written by a child. No wonder it hasn’t been claimed," Shane says. He waves next to Rick's side. "What's up, dude? You look spaced out."

"I quit my job today, so I'm looking to get Chips before my next job."

Shane crosses his arms. "You mean that rundown dishwashing job you mentioned last week? I'm surprised you didn't quit sooner."

"Has it really just been a week since then?" Rick sighs. "I hope this bounty isn't a prank."

"I heard Iris is coming to town tomorrow. She'd probably be able to help if it's real," Shane says. "I'll come, too, so gimme a shout when you're ready."

"Thanks, Shane. I appreciate it."

[Player interaction warning here.]

Rick turns the key to his mother's front door. "I'm back, Mom."

"Why so early coming home?" his mom says.

"I quit my job."

She sighs. "When will you stay with a job? I don't want to see your income mostly from bounty hunts. You know those make me worry about you."

"I'm sorry, but I'm trying—"

"Trying isn't worth anything if you don't actually do it. I won't tell your little brother about this when he gets home from school. He's always guessing the amount of days you'll have one job before you quit."

Rick sits on the couch and closes his eyes. "I'll tell him then."

"No! Don't you see you're a bad influence on him? You make it look like keeping a job is impossible."

"I'd rather be honest that it's hard to keep a job, instead of lying to show false hope."

Rick, suited with metal armor, a broadsword, and chain, looks around the crowd of hunters at the Bounty Board with Shane. A woman’s voice calls out, “Riiiiiick!” In a silk robe embedded with clear quartzes for stripes along her sleeves, Iris waves both hands over her head. She lunges and wraps her arms around Rick’s shoulders. “I’m so happy to see you again.”

“Same here, Iris,” Rick says. “I hope this isn’t interrupting your duties here.”

She shakes her head and lets go. “Of course not. My job can wait a few hours so I can catch up with you.”

Shane unfolds his map. “According to the flyer, the targets we need to kill are inside the bounty lister’s house down the street from here. If this is real, that means they’re either locked in a room or… occupying the house for themselves while the lister is away. If the targets were outside causing trouble, this would be in the hands of town police instead of bounty hunters.”

Rick scratches his head. “Most bounties have the target outside of town, not inside. Everything’s saying this is a phoney, but I need to get Chips soon.”

Iris holds out some Chips. “I can always give you some. My clients pay far too much.”

“Even if I was broke, there’s no way I could accept your money. You earned it after all, and I need to earn my own. My mom would probably question how I got so much so soon, and then be furious when I’d tell her they were yours.”

Iris pockets the Chips. “Still the same Rick as ever. ‘The truth will set you free so you won’t have to hide from it,’ right?”

Rick chuckles. “Wow, you still remember that cheesy catchphrase I made up?”

Shane clears his throat. “We should get going. I’d like to know if the bounty is true to its name.”

Outside a small house with the address 1472, Rick and Shane scan the front yard of wilted sunflowers and backyard of weeds for anyone looking like the homeowner before giving the ok for Iris to knock. A scrawny, little girl opens the door almost immediately and asks, “Are you bounty hunters?”

Rick shows the flyer and nods. “Where are the four, uh, giant red ants and giant sand fly?”

“In the kitchen! I locked the door after I saw them through the keyhole.” She holds up a key.

Shane holds Rick back from stepping inside. “Did any other bounty hunters come here to help before? It’s been six days since you posted these flyers.”

The little girl nods and points to the kitchen door. “Some guys went in there but never came out. I... locked the door after I heard them screaming because I was scared.”

Shane gives Rick a frown as Iris kneels down to the girl’s eye level. “Are your parents around?”

“They, they…” The little girl sniffles before breaking down to tears. “They were in there for hours until I heard scratching and pounding from my room! My parents were making lunch in that kitchen.”

Iris hugs the girl and pats her back. “There, there, it’s going to be ok now—”

“That’s what the hunters said! But, but, they—”

Rick says, “Shouldn’t we alert the police about this? They’ll believe us, right?”

Shane shakes his head. “Just our ages aren’t going to be credible enough to have police think about this seriously. If someone was related to the law and reported instead, I could see it working.”

Iris stands up and pushes Shane. “Don’t you see we should go in and help this girl!? She’s waited six days to learn what happened to her parents! Are you going to make her wait more!?”

“We’re not professional bounty hunters, though. The flyer said it was a one star difficulty rank, not a ten star rank.”

The scrawny girl wipes her eyes with her sleeves. “I’m sorry for lying. No one came since I put it so high the first time, so I had to bring it down to one.”

Rick kneels down. “Thank you for saying you’re sorry, but I can’t agree to this bounty. Just like my friend here said, we’re not professionals. However, we’ll try and get someone else—”

Iris grabs the girl’s key and dashes inside. “I’ll do this myself then!”

“Wait, stop!” Shane shouts. “C’mon, Rick, we gotta stop her.”

When Iris unlocks the kitchen, the door swings her away as a red ant the size of a bull headbutts through. She shrieks and stumbles backwards. The giant red ant cocks its head back for a bite, but an arrow staggers it. Rick helps Iris stand and back away. “It’s too dangerous to run from something this fast,” he says. Three similar sized red ants and a sand fly pour out of the kitchen as Shane lets loose another arrow at the first ant. The little girl runs outside and closes the front door. Rick draws his broadsword. “It’s kill or be killed.”

[Three screens replace the cutscene screen.]

Zack says, “Whoa, whoa, what’s going on now? You just put down three pieces of paper, and they don’t look like a cutscene.”

Vincent says, “It's the battle of Rick and his friends against those bugs. Since I’m limited to paper at the moment, could you imagine a fourth screen in the space above the bottom left one? That’s where the fighting should happen. Imagining action-packed music would be good, too.”

[After that battle is won...]

“Alright, that fight was pretty decent, man,” Zack says as he pats Vincent’s back.

“Thank you. I was hoping it wasn’t too hard or too easy. Now, back to the story.”

Rick and Shane breathe heavily as they sit down. Iris walks in the kitchen and runs back. “The parents and hunters are dead,” she whispers.

“Um, did you find my parents?” the scrawny girl asks from outside a window.

Iris bites her lip. “Uh, yeah, they left—”

“They’re dead,” Rick says.

Zack’s eyes widen. “Daaaaaaang, Rick, man! He’s definitely honest, I’ll give him that, but geez, that’s gotta be rough on the little girl.”

Vincent nods. “That’s Rick for you. Very admirable for telling the harsh truth, and at the same time, it’s his major character flaw.”

“To be honest, pun intended, if everyone told the truth all the time like him, there’d be a lot less prisoners like us, right?”

Vincent grabs another paper. “Yeah…”

Prologue Completed!

If you were questioning the purpose of Zack and Vincent instead of just having the story of Rick and his friends, it's because I want to add their commentary to give breaks to the tension while slowly building a pseudo-developer talk with the players and sort of guide them along.
All previous novels put on hold at the moment.

My compilation of all the great guides, Guides' Gate, for those in need of help or review with critiques, grammar, spelling, and other advice.

"These hands of mine glow with an awesome power! Their burning grips tell me to write. Take this! My love, my anger, and all of my sorrow! SHINING FINGERS! Go, go! Go, go! Go, go!" -derived from G Gundam's Shining Finger attack quote.
						Last edited by GeonamicWarrior; 07-06-2016 at 07:39 PM.
					Reply With Quote
Thread Tools


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:35 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.