Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply  Find Chapters
 
Thread Tools
Old 05-29-2016, 04:46 AM View Post #1 (Link) Hunter White and The Shinto Gods: Izanami's Revenge. Pt 1
Darth Cerberus (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Darth Cerberus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
Points: 5
Times Thanked: 0
delete.
  
						Last edited by Darth Cerberus; 06-01-2016 at 02:07 AM.
					
					 Reason: adding something
					Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2016, 01:39 AM View Post #2 (Link) A critique
2sh4r (Offline)
Global Moderator
 
2sh4r's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 295
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 21
Here's a critique.

Funny thing. When I first started reading, I skipped past the intro and skimmed the introductory paragraph, just to get a taste, and I thought, "This kid must be a Rick Riordan fan." Then I went back to the note and realized that it was a fanfic.

The hook paragraph is okay in that it achieves what you wanted it to, which was to mimic Rick Riordan. I used to love Riordan's intros when I was a kid because of how punchy they were, but now I think they're gimmicky. What I don't like about your hook is that its basically a modified copy-and-paste. When Riordan used the "I'm a demigod" intro, it was sort of novel and creative (emphasis on sort of). When you do it, you're just taking what Riordan did, which requires no creativity at all. And there's no risk at all. It's like using training wheels. You can't fall so you're safe, but at the same time, you're not really learning to ride a bike. At some point, you're going to have to try and formulate your own hook sentences.

The rest was eh. Again, it fit the typical intro format of Riordan books. Kids get attacked by monsters; innocent friend turns out to be a fellow demigod. But here, even at mimicking Riordan, you seem to do not as well.

Maybe it's because your prose is a bit rushed.

You spend little time building character, and the bit of time you do spend, I don't like. This girl and this guy (who, I'm assuming, are supposed to be protagonists) spend the only character-building section they have making jabs at some poor fat kids, which gives me the impression that the two are assholes.

That's fine. You're allowed to make your characters assholes if that's what you were going for, but the way you do it, it feels incomplete. Their asshol-ishness is so regular and teenage that its boring. I don't feel particularly angry at them or annoyed. I just acknowledge that they're assholes. That means that your characters aren't emotionally gripping. And, as they are now, they don't even have the potential to become emotionally gripping.

Also, the transitions between each "part" of your introduction section are basically nonexistent, which contributes to the rushed feeling of your prose. You jump from brief comment to brief comment, from fat guys to McDonalds to pretty girl to guys in suits. Each little anecdote lacks character, depth, and richness. It's as if you have a checklist titled "things in an intro Riordan chapter", and after every paragraph, you tick off a little box. It feels formulaic. You're giving me no reason to care.

But, don't worry. It's not all bad. You have potential. Your prose is grammatically accurate most of the time (but I recommend you re-read it a couple of times because there are a lot of silly spelling mistakes). Despite the reliance on cliches, their is a certain rhythm to your prose. Its also impressive the way you capture Riordan's tone so well. The rushed feeling disappears a bit once the action begins (everything before feels like a poorly-done precursor to the action sequence).

Other nitpicks: if this is a story about the Japanese gods, why aren't they in Japan? Why don't you have any Japanese characters? Why are the samurai also zombies? Like is that actually a thing in Japanese mythology or are you making stuff up?

Overall advice: stop trying to copy Riordan's tone. It's fine if you carry on with the Japanese mythology fanfic, just try and add your own style to it.

On another note, I always feel like I'm shattering someone's dreams when I give a harsh critique. So two things:

1. Everything I've said is just my opinion. It's not a command from God. You judge what advice is helpful and what isn't.

2. This video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPEdwaLQLag

If you have any questions, feel free to message me.
  
						Last edited by 2sh4r; 06-01-2016 at 01:42 AM.
					
					Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2016, 02:24 AM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Darth Cerberus (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Darth Cerberus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
Points: 5
Times Thanked: 0
Naw. It's all bad....

I don't see how a couple of jokes makes them appear as assholes? It's just some jokes, and one character commented more about their smacking rather than their weight. But okay.

None of Rick's books are set from where the mythology originated and the characters being demigods of Japanese Gods makes them Japanese, doesn't it? Or else none of the Greek demigods are really greek.

No. These creatures are supposed to be Obake, a type of shape-shifting spirit. The mythology on it was a bit confusing so I took some liberties and just wrote it how I thought it was supposed to be.
  Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2016, 02:56 AM View Post #4 (Link) Critique
2sh4r (Offline)
Global Moderator
 
2sh4r's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 295
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 21
It's all bad....
Nothing is ever all bad.

Post something new, and message me, and I'll critique it.

I don't see how a couple of jokes makes them appear as assholes? It's just some jokes, and one character commented more about their smacking rather than their weight. But okay.
I don't know what "smacking" is. I've never heard anyone use that lingo.

Anyway, in the literary world, you've got to be a bit of an idealist. If your character makes fun of other characters, then your reader's going to think he/she is a bit of an asshole unless you make it clear that the insulted character deserves the insult. Like, for example, in Catcher in the Rye, Holden Caulfield went around judging everyone, calling them phonies. He came off as a bit of an asshole, but it was excusable because it seemed like he was on to something.
  
						Last edited by 2sh4r; 06-01-2016 at 11:11 PM.
					
					Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2016, 04:55 AM View Post #5 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Darth Cerberus (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Darth Cerberus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 10
Points: 5
Times Thanked: 0
Thank you.

And I see what you mean. I honestly felt that I was rushing through it but I ignored it. But reading over it again, it definitely feels very rushed.
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:21 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.