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Old 03-14-2016, 11:45 PM View Post #1 (Link) As she watches...
gabby9801 (Offline)
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She watches…..as the raindrops from her window pane she can hear the sirens that only causes pain. Blue lights use to stand for freedom, peace, and protection, now you gotta make sure they roll up on you you got your protection. “Was there ever really a time where color didn’t matter?” “Why must I be judged by the color of skin God gave me instead of what’s within?” “When did race and ethnicity mean difference between intelligent or ignorant, brave or coward, professional or ghetto?” These are things she wondered as starred out of her window once again witnessing what it yet another senseless crime among her people. “But why we take our frustrations out on each other instead of the outsiders?” “Because we were always taught from day 1 that we were worthless, pathetic, not worthy of life, and that our skin tone, skills, and strength would mean nothing in this world. After a while we started to believe it, thinking that God himself made a mistake when creating us because even his own children degraded us and hated us. But we later realized is that this was not God’s plan for his children, because he too was degraded and later crucified so who are we to question his authority?” As the police cars drive by her house they suddenly come to stop. She then notices that there is a body lying right across the street from her house and she instantly became chilled with fear. Something is telling her to walk outside to see what’s going on but she’s afraid, afraid that it might be someone she knew or even another colored girl or two! But the courage she has within her wouldn’t allow her to just sit back and wait at her window so she walks. She walks outside and steps onto the grass in her front lawn, as she gets closer to the curb she realizes that the body lying on the ground is the body of woman; a young black woman. She looks as though she had been hit by a car but she hadn’t, because gun and bullet wound in her head made it much more tragic. She continues get close although she is fearful of what she’s seeing, before she knew it she was standing over the body of young black woman lying lifeless on the ground with a revolver in hand. As she looks in the woman’s face she instantly recognizes the young woman; her heart drops in her chest, her flesh gets cold, and she breaks out a sweat. The young woman she’s staring at is none other than herself. She became obsessed and depressed at what she saw, a young lady with so much potential she couldn’t bare the thought …...of how she let the cruelness of this world get to her in such a way that absolutely no other path could possibly sway her. Never mind the fact that she was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, society told her too that she was worthless, pathetic and a waste and sperm and eggs. If only we had more time, more time to love, more time to heal, more time to let the people you love most know how you feel. Because once we’re at the end of our road there’s no turning back despite what you’re told.
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Old 04-10-2016, 09:53 AM View Post #2 (Link)
DestinyVamp (Offline)
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Originally Posted by gabby9801 View Post
She watches…..as the raindrops from her window pane she can hear the sirens that only causes pain. Blue lights use to stand for freedom, peace, and protection, now you gotta make sure they roll up on you you got your protection. “Was there ever really a time where color didn’t matter?” “Why must I be judged by the color of skin God gave me instead of what’s within?” “When did race and ethnicity mean difference between intelligent or ignorant, brave or coward, professional or ghetto?” These are things she wondered as starred starred means to use an asterisk to mark something, usually in printing, you wanted to write 'stared' I guessout of her window once again witnessing what it yet another senseless crime among her people. “But why do we take our frustrations out on each other instead of the outsiders?” “Because we were always taught from day 1 that we were worthless, pathetic, not worthy of life, and that our skin tone, skills, and strength would mean nothing in this world. After a while we started to believe it, thinking that God himself made a mistake when creating us because even his own children degraded us and hated us. But we later realized is that this was not God’s plan for his children, because he too was degraded and later crucified so who are we to question his authority?” As the police cars drive by her house they suddenly come to stop. She then notices that there is a body lying right across the street from her house and she instantly became chilled with fear. Something is telling her to walk outside to see what’s going on but she’s afraid, afraid that it might be someone she knew or even another colored girl or two! But the courage she has within her wouldn’t allow her to just sit back and wait at her window so she walks. don't repeat it, just simply write 'she walks outside' She walks outside and steps onto the grass in her front lawn, as she gets closer to the curb she realizes that the body lying on the ground is the body of woman; a young black woman. She looks as though she had been hit by a car but she hadn’t, because gun and bullet wound in her head made it much more tragic. She continues continues to get close although she is fearful of what she’s seeing, before she knew it she was standing over the body of young black woman lying lifeless on the ground with a revolver in hand. it's not quite fine here, 'she is fearful of what she is saying' makes it confusing, it's reductant, though you can write: she fearfully walks closer to the until she saw a young black women As she looks in the woman’s face she instantly recognizes the young woman; her heart drops in her chest, her flesh gets cold, and she breaks out a sweat. The young woman she’s staring at is none other than herself. She became obsessed and depressed at what she saw, a young lady with so much potential she couldn’t bare the thought …...of how she let the cruelness of this world get to her in such a way that absolutely no other path could possibly sway her. Never mind the fact that she was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, society told her too that she was worthless, pathetic and a waste and sperm and eggs. If only we had more time, more time to love, more time to heal, more time to let the people you love most know how you feel. Because once we’re at the end of our road there’s no turning back despite what you’re told.
Did she....commit suicide? depressing. Was she a soul narrating us her life? This needs reflection, it can actually be a good plot though there were some mistakes they can be corrected once you go through them.

Getting to the plot
She was watching the window thinking of why was she judged upon being a black girl when all of us are a creation of god. we get to know that she has been criticized and is a victim of affliction.
That's engaging, Racism is a common problem of our society and it's actually appreciable to see someone notice it.
Carrying on, while she was in her thoughts she saw a dead body which she feared to go close to but she did and realized it was she herself.
Here I was a little shocked plus I needed some knowledge of whether she was a spirit or what happened, maybe if there was a flashback of something like that, it would have been clearer.

Character
I am very satisfied with the knowledge provided about the character's problems, what she feels about and all that's essential keeping the concept in mind by the way, (I am just telling you, it's not a mistake) when I read the first two lines I had an idea of a very pale brunette staring at the window wondering about a broken relationship....typical boring story, the current generations' ritual, but as it progressed I realized it was deep, something serious.

I really enjoyed it. And got a little depressed too.....
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Old 04-10-2016, 08:39 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
gabby9801 (Offline)
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Thank you, I really appreciate your critique I didn't mean to make anyone depressed I apologize for that but I felt that this topic alone was an eye opener for most people. Now that I have seen your response I'm thinking about maybe doing a part 2 to this just so that my readers can get some clarification.
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Old 04-11-2016, 11:33 AM View Post #4 (Link)
DestinyVamp (Offline)
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Well Vm me when it's out, I would really want to read it.
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Old 04-12-2016, 02:23 PM View Post #5 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
gabby9801 (Offline)
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Absolutely!!
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Old 04-20-2016, 11:02 AM View Post #6 (Link) Give us white spaces!
4a4a7a (Offline)
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Originally Posted by gabby9801 View Post
She watches….[COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"].as the raindrops from her window pane[/COLOR] she can hear the sirens that only causes pain. Blue lights use to stand for freedom, peace, and protection, now you gotta make sure they roll up on you you got your protection.

“Was there ever really a time where color didn’t matter?”

“Why must I be judged by the color of skin God gave me instead of what’s within?”

“When did race and ethnicity mean difference between intelligent or ignorant, brave or coward, professional or ghetto?”

These are things she wondered [COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"]as starred[/COLOR] out of her window once again witnessing what it yet another senseless crime among her people.

“But why we[COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"] take[/COLOR] our frustrations out on each other instead of the outsiders?”

Because we were always taught from day 1 that we were worthless, pathetic, not worthy of life, and that our skin tone, skills, and strength would mean nothing in this world. After a while we started to believe it, thinking that God himself made a mistake when creating us because even his own children degraded us and hated us. But we later realized is that this was not God’s plan for his children, because he too was degraded and later crucified so who are we to question his authority?

As the police cars drive by her house they suddenly come to stop. She then notices that there is a body lying right across the street from her house and she instantly became chilled with fear.

Something is telling her to walk outside to see what’s going on but she’s afraid, afraid that it might be someone she knew or even another colored girl or two! But the courage she has within her wouldn’t allow her to just sit back and wait at her window so she walks.

She walks outside and steps onto the grass in her front lawn, as she gets closer to the curb she realizes that the body lying on the ground is the body of woman; a young black woman. She looks as though she had been hit by a car but she hadn’t, because gun and bullet wound in her head made it much more tragic.

She continues get close although she is fearful of what she’s seeing, before she knew it she was standing over the body of young black woman lying lifeless on the ground with a revolver in hand. As she looks in the woman’s face she instantly recognizes the young woman; her heart drops in her chest, her flesh gets cold, and she breaks out a sweat.

The young woman she’s staring at is none other than herself. She became obsessed and depressed at what she saw, a young lady with so much potential she couldn’t bare the thought …...of how she let the cruelness of this world get to her in such a way that absolutely no other path could possibly sway her.

Never mind the fact that she was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, society told her too that she was worthless, pathetic and a waste and sperm and eggs. If only we had more time, more time to love, more time to heal, more time to let the people you love most know how you feel. Because once we’re at the end of our road there’s no turning back despite what you’re told.

Good work! Best wishes for part 2. And when you are at it, consider following points also. (Green is Great. Amber needs Attention)

Now there is something wrong with these sentences. I have my own suggestions also.
She watches…..as the raindrops from her window pane she can hear the sirens that only causes pain.

Better if it is “She watches…..as the raindrops caress the window pane, listening to the wail of sirens that only cause pain”

Blue lights use to stand for freedom, peace, and protection, now you gotta make sure .. how about “…and protection, but now you gotta make sure…”

The three statements that follow afterwards should be separated bullet form. That would have been more powerful. Plenty of white space is necessary to encourage your reader to keep reading. At least when you publish something online.

“..she wondered as starred out of her window..” stared you mean?

And this one “what” is unnecessary “… once again witnessing yet another senseless crime among her people.”

The next part is really good. Questioning the God himself. Comparing His decisions between Jesus and ourselves. That’s fantastic.

Her noticing a dead body gives life to the story, quickening the heartbeat of the reader. Nicely done.

I want you to give it a try again.[COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"] But leave us plenty of white space this time![/COLOR]
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