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Old 01-18-2016, 03:33 AM View Post #1 (Link) Gideon
Jokes_on_you142 (Offline)
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Allright, disclaimer time! *rubs hands together in an evil manner*
This is not a novel- be forewarned. This is an ongoing brain spewage of a novel I PLAN to write, sometime probably in the non-existent future. It contains excerpts from the story, which most likely will not make it into a finished draft. This is like a pre-writing phase, similar to THIS POST I accidently put into the realistic forum, even though it's obviously not realistic at all. Please feel free to critique, but don't waste time on minor grammatical errors unless they are extremely bad. I would ask you to focus on the sequence of events, characters, and originality, which are things I am trying to work on in this post. Thanks very much!

Passage 1
Passage 2
Passage 3

_____________________


"But then of course I'd never dream of selling out to the fellow without a proper fight, and that's how I got this scar." Gideon lifted up his shirt just a tad brazenly, exposing himself to the biting air of an Arverian night. His companion quirked an eyebrow at him.
"That? Why, that's not more than a scratch," the man scoffed. Gideon pulled his vest down, looking offended.
"Well, that's only after I put on some cream I bought while in Javil. Really, it worked wonders. Before that, it was really just a bloody mess-"
"Shhh!" The burly man clamped his hand over Gideon's mouth. Gideon forcefully pushed it away, but had the tact to remain silent. He shot a glare at the larger man, who wasn't paying attention; his meaty fingers were absently stroking the wire mesh of his beard while he gazed off into the shadowy path ahead. Straining his own eyes, Gideon could only make out broken bottles and muddy discarded papers, the litter that was so common to the back-alleys in this area. His fingers itched to his belt under his overcoat, where he kept his most prized weapons: potions. Not needing to look, he grasped the oblong bottle. It was light, nearly empty. Gideon contemplated whether he would need to use it or not. The stuff was blasted expensive, but just as blastedly helpful in situations like this.
He looked ahead once more, the scant moonlight still offering no clue as to what lay ahead in the dim alley. Then, his companion visibly relaxed, shaking his head with mirth. "Thought I heard something. Can't be too careful, right?" Gideon let out his held breath.
"Dang it all, Balem! I always assume the worst when I'm with you! It's all those stories that you tell- I let them get to my head." Gideon gave Balem a half-angry punch that made him wince.
"Next time, I'll just let the wolves have you, ungrateful wench," Balem smiled, holding up his hands to stave off any more punches.
"Don't joke about wolves, Balem," Gideon said gravely. "They might not stalk the city at night, but they're still out there, somewhere, watching..." He broke off, staring pensively up into the full-mooned night. Balem put his hand on his friend's shoulder, a well meant gesture that seemed to shake Gideon out of his reverie.
"But you know, wolves, they're nothing I can't handle."Gideon said with a humble shrug. "In fact, I have this bite on my leg, and no, I won't show it to you, but..." With the pretense of a skip in his step, Gideon walked off into the night. Somewhere not far off, but past the confines of the homes, the city, and the well worn path, a wolf's cry could be heard rising up to meet the ever-watching moon.
  
						Last edited by Jokes_on_you142; 07-14-2016 at 10:23 PM.
					
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Old 01-19-2016, 09:16 AM View Post #2 (Link) Interesting Excerpt
Arvo (Offline)
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Hey, this short excerpt is quite something. When I first read your work, I read it as if the characters were Viking. I'm not sure what exactly made that happen but most likely it has something to do with your character, Gideon. I see him as a "Gobber" kind of character from "Dreamwork's How to Train your Dragon." He's boastful, loves to tell his exaggerated stories and all in all tough guy in the exterior. I like him. On the other hand, the other character, Balem, felt a bit lacking in my opinion. Maybe its because its just a short excerpt and not yet fully developed but still...

In terms of correction, however, I would like to point out that in the line: " He shooting a glare at the larger man, who wasn't paying attention; his meaty fingers were absently stroking the wire mesh of his beard while he gazed off into the shadowy path ahead."

"He shooting" might be changed to "He shot." Also, the use of "he" in this sentence kinda confused me. Who is "he"? Gideon? The large man?

All in all, hope to see this in a complete state of form, be it a short story or novel.
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Old 01-19-2016, 09:23 AM View Post #3 (Link)
DestinyVamp (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Jokes_on_you142 View Post
Allright, disclaimer time! *rubs hands together in an evil manner*
This is not a novel- be forewarned. This is an ongoing brain spewage sewage?of a novel I PLAN to write, sometime probably in the non-existent future. It contains excerpts from the story, which most likely will not make it into a finished draft. This is like a pre-writing phase, similar to THIS POST I accidently put into the realistic forum, even though it's obviously not realistic at all. Please feel free to critique, but don't waste time on minor grammatical errors unless they are extremely bad. I would ask you to focus on the sequence of events, characters, and originality, which are things I am trying to work on in this post. Thanks very much!
________________________________

"But then comma of course comma I'd never dream of selling out to the fellow without a proper fight, and that's how I got this scar." Gideon lifted up his shirt just a tad brazenly, exposing himself to the biting air of an Arverian the words got no meaning night. His companion quirked an eyebrow at him.
"That? Why, remove the comma that's not more than a scratch," the man scoffed. Gideon pulled his vest down, looking offended.
"Well, that's only after I put on some cream I bought while in Javil. Really, it worked wonders. Before that, it was really just a bloody mess-"
"Shhh!" The burly man clamped his hand over Gideon's mouth. Gideon forcefully pushed it away, remove th comma but had the tact to remain silent. He shooting a glare at the larger man, who wasn't paying attention; his meaty fingers were absently stroking the wire mesh of his beard while he gazed off into the shadowy path ahead. Straining his own eyes, Gideon could only make out broken bottles and muddy discarded papers, the litter that was so common to the back-alleys in this area. His fingers itched to his belt under his overcoat, where he kept his most prized weapons: potions. Not needing to look, he grasped the oblong bottle. It was light, nearly empty. Gideon contemplated whether he would need to use it or not. The stuff was blasted expensive, but just as blastedly helpful in situations like this.
He looked ahead once more, the scant moonlight still offering no clue as to what lay ahead in the dim ally. alley? Then, his companion visibly relaxed, shaking his head with mirth. "Thought I heard something. Can't be too careful, right?" Gideon let out his held breath.
"Dang it all, Balem! I always assume the worst when I'm with you! It's all those stories that you tell- I let them get to my head." Gideon gave Balem a half-angry punch that made him wince.
"Next time, I'll just let the wolves have you, ungrateful wench," Balem smiled, holding up his hands to stave off any more punches.
"Don't joke about wolves, Balem," Gideon said gravely. "They might not stalk the city at night, but they're still out there, somewhere, watching..." He broke off, staring pensively up into the full-mooned night. Balem put his hand on his friend's shoulder, a well meant well-meant gesture that seemed to shake Gideon out of his reverie.
"But you know, wolves, they're nothing I can't handle."Gideon said with a humble shrug. "In fact, I have this bite on my leg, and no, I won't show it to you, but..." With the pretense of a skip in his step, Gideon walked off into the night. Somewhere not far off, but past the confines of the homes, the city, and the well worn well-wornpath, a wolf's cry could be heard rising up to meet the ever-watching moon.
A few mistakes, be sure to proofread before you submit
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I can be by myself because I'm never lonely; I'm simply alone, living in my heavily populated solitude, a harum-scarum of infinity and eternity, and Infinity and Eternity seem to take a liking to the likes of me.
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Old 01-19-2016, 05:40 PM View Post #4 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Jokes_on_you142 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by DestinyVamp View Post
A few mistakes, be sure to proofread before you submit
Ha, thanks for the corrections. Grammar and spelling has never been a strong suit of mine. And "spewage" isn't really a word, but it means "the spewing forth of", just to clarify.
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Old 01-19-2016, 05:45 PM View Post #5 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
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Originally Posted by Arvo View Post
Hey, this short excerpt is quite something. When I first read your work, I read it as if the characters were Viking. I'm not sure what exactly made that happen but most likely it has something to do with your character, Gideon. I see him as a "Gobber" kind of character from "Dreamwork's How to Train your Dragon." He's boastful, loves to tell his exaggerated stories and all in all tough guy in the exterior. I like him. On the other hand, the other character, Balem, felt a bit lacking in my opinion. Maybe its because its just a short excerpt and not yet fully developed but still...

In terms of correction, however, I would like to point out that in the line: " He shooting a glare at the larger man, who wasn't paying attention; his meaty fingers were absently stroking the wire mesh of his beard while he gazed off into the shadowy path ahead."

"He shooting" might be changed to "He shot." Also, the use of "he" in this sentence kinda confused me. Who is "he"? Gideon? The large man?

All in all, hope to see this in a complete state of form, be it a short story or novel.
Well thanks very much! I shouldn't be surprised that Balem felt a bit underdeveloped; I made him essentially on the spur of the moment just so Gideon could have someone to walk with in that dim ALLEY (which I emphasize because I always spell that word wrong). And, yes, in contrast to Gideon, he might seem a bit bland. The story is not set in skandinavia, therefore, the characters aren't vikings even though they do wear vests and one of them has a beard. Still, I can see the resemblances you draw. However, I encourage you to check out my other excerpt, which might paint a picture of Gideon a bit better. He is not so unkempt as Gobber and a bit more charismatic... at least on the outside. He's a bit of a pretty boy, but that aspect is downplayed in this short story because he's with a trusted friend, and isn't trying as hard to show off his glossy locks or whatnot. Thanks for the critique!
  
						Last edited by Jokes_on_you142; 05-10-2016 at 05:00 AM.
					
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Old 03-12-2016, 09:31 AM View Post #6 (Link)
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Even though this is a really short excerpt, you can already see that it would fit in great as part of a larger work. I think that it really flowed well, especially the dialogue. You did a really good job at revealing Gideon's personality a bit without giving an information dump about him or just describing him, but rather through the dialogue, and I like him already. I liked his showing off, and being a bit embarrassed when his scar wasn't thought to be all that great. I do however think that it would be great to see a longer excerpt. I don't think you can ask too much in terms of character development when you've only written this much, but if you kept going it would be great to see how you develop Gideon and Balem.
I also loved how you subtly start describing the world that they're in. By mentioning the potions and the wolves, you already start to understand what sort of world they're in, and the mentions of the back-alleys and the cold night gives it a bit of a creepy and mysterious atmosphere. I can't wait to see what happens next!
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Old 06-12-2016, 02:54 AM View Post #7 (Link) Critique
Emoijah Bridgs (Offline)
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Your story is quite interesting. The only tweeks that I'd say you need to add involves grammar.
For instance, right after you said "bloody mess-" you should add a comma or period.
I wasn't sure so myself, because I include a lot of breaks in my sentences. But when I type it out, there is always a grammatical mistake. So, I've looked in a lot of books and apparently you need to have a punctuation mark after a break in a sentence.

But, regardless of those few mistakes, I love your writing. It's so raw and unique. Keep on writing this story or more like it. It's really great.
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