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Old 12-06-2015, 05:31 AM View Post #1 (Link) Yet untitled
Untitled (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 8
Points: 1.38
Times Thanked: 0
Dear All,

A newbie here and not a native English speaker, so there might be certain glaring errors that I'm asking to be excused for in advance. Also, there's reference to some elements from the film 'The Green Mile'; don't know though whether someone is supposed to make the connection or not! Anyways, here it goes, along with an open invitation for any kind of critique.

Hudson doesn't care, does she?
She stands still.
But she flows in my mind,
she just flows in my mind.
Ushering in memories I wish I left behind.

It's now or never, I feel everyday.
Running after that elusive extra mile.
Not now, nor may be never -
utter those who slowly walk by,
sporting a smirk or rather a confused smile.

[CHORUS]
Feeling a runner's high,
Oh, Hudson, I'm feeling a runner's high!
Or is it just one of those comfortable lies?
To get past the day, yet another day!
An escape from all the moments I wish I could shy away!


All the 'green' miles ahead,
without any clear end in sight.
Someone said a last mile was there,
offering redemption, but not through the (electric) 'chair'!

So I run, dear Hudson, I just run!
As long as those fleeting glimpses of hope should come!
Now ever closer as I feel to that mile,
who knows whether I would ever return!

[CHORUS]
Feeling a runner's high,
Oh, Hudson, I'm feeling a runner's high!
Or is it just one of those comfortable lies?
To get past the day, yet another day!
An escape from all the moments I wish I could shy away!
  
						Last edited by Untitled; 12-06-2015 at 05:48 AM.
					
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Old 12-10-2015, 10:53 AM View Post #2 (Link)
elephant (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 4
Points: 5
Times Thanked: 1
Originally Posted by Untitled View Post
Dear All,

A newbie here and not a native English speaker, so there might be certain glaring errors that I'm asking to be excused for in advance. Also, there's reference to some elements from the film 'The Green Mile'; don't know though whether someone is supposed to make the connection or not! Anyways, here it goes, along with an open invitation for any kind of critique.

Hudson doesn't care, does she? I like how you use a certain person to lead your song, it just automatically tells us exactly what this may be about. Maybe if you made this part a little more clearer? I'm just guessing that it's about this person's situation.
She stands still.
But she flows in my mind,
she just flows in my mind.
Ushering in memories I wish I left behind. This has great tone! I don't know the melody you're basing this off of, but it just smoothly flows throughout the sentences no matter what melody I think of.

It's now or never, I feel everyday.
Running after that elusive extra mile. It may be just me, but I think that adding the word "elusive" sort of makes this part feel rushed in a way? Try adding a word that comes off the tongue easier with the words, "extra mile".
Not now, nor may be never -
utter those who slowly walk by,
sporting a smirk or rather a confused smile. I can feel the tension rising in this part, it's really well-written.

[CHORUS]
Feeling a runner's high,
Oh, Hudson, I'm feeling a runner's high!
Or is it just one of those comfortable lies?
To get past the day, yet another day!
An escape from all the moments I wish I could shy away!
I think this chorus is the best part of this song! I can really see the emotion in here. If you made it a bit longer, I think you can hook the audience a bit longer.

All the 'green' miles ahead,
without any clear end in sight.
Someone said a last mile was there,
offering redemption, but not through the (electric) 'chair'! The lyrics sort of get longer as they go so the melody seems a bit broken on this one. I think if you rearrange a few words so that the sentences are the same length, then this part will also be great! Again, it may also be because I don't know the melody

So I run, dear Hudson, I just run!
As long as those fleeting glimpses of hope should come!
Now ever closer as I feel to that mile,
who knows whether I would ever return! This and the chorus are officially my favorite parts. It ends off really strong and leaves you thinking.

[CHORUS]
Feeling a runner's high,
Oh, Hudson, I'm feeling a runner's high!
Or is it just one of those comfortable lies?
To get past the day, yet another day!
An escape from all the moments I wish I could shy away!
Hello! I'm actually new too and getting the hang of things I really like the word choice because it makes me to keep looking at the lyrics over and over again. The chorus seems to have a really nice rhythm to it. As for the movie you mentioned, I think I heard that title somewhere but it was a really long time ago ... Good job! This is great and I'd love to see more later!
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Old 12-10-2015, 11:31 AM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Untitled (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 8
Points: 1.38
Times Thanked: 0
Thanks so much for your elaborate critique, 'elephant' (this doesn't sound right at all! Wish you chose a different handle). More importantly(!), I'm so glad that you liked it! Let me make you an offer that I'm almost sure that you will refuse. Would you be kind enough to edit the lyric along the directions that you've suggested? I have absolutely zero knowledge of melodies, or for that matter, of everything required to 'shape' some words into a song. If you are interested, I would love you to work with it further and make a song out of it. Now, what do you say?

And (at the risk of over-reacting to your kindness), you can find some of my other works at https://nositeforoldmen.wordpress.com/. Check'em out, please.
  
						Last edited by Untitled; 12-10-2015 at 02:00 PM.
					
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