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Old 11-27-2015, 06:29 AM View Post #1 (Link) Bad Dream
writingforlife (Offline)
Literary Newbie
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 3
Points: 11
Times Thanked: 0
Hi guys! I'm new to this but here's a song I wrote please tell me if there is any thing I should improve on this song. Thanks a lot!

"Bad Dream"

it's been 5 year since the time you told me
the bitter words that set me free
from the rough warmth of your hand
from the thought that you were my man

did the sun set
did it all end
all the memories we made

**missing the moments of our time
missing the days when we were fine
wish we could make the vow
wish you could be here now
and tell me it's only a bad dream

ask myself all the time
was our love all a lie
was it only a game
only just a day
only just a play
baby, I don't want this to end


did the sun set
did it all end
all the memories we made
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Old 12-01-2015, 05:33 PM View Post #2 (Link)
fictionlover (Offline)
Idea Scribe
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 64
Points: 8.82
Times Thanked: 17
To start off with, I feel like there wasn't much flow concerning with how the lines related to each other. This isn't a major issue, since its hard to tell if the lyrics will flow smoothly without music to test it. The lyrics themselves were alright, though. It tells a story, without being too detailed or too cryptic.
ask myself all the time
Concerning this line, I feel like you could do something more with it. Instead of just 'ask myself all the time', you could try 'I ask myself all the time' or 'Asking myself all the time'. Personally, I feel like you could build up on this line more. You could even leave it as is, but add something before it to give it more depth and transition easier.
Overall, I thought it was pretty good. Keep on writing
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