Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 04-13-2016, 06:31 PM View Post #11 (Link)
Nightreader (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Nightreader's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 22
Points: 1.76
Times Thanked: 1
I like how you added in a dragon, very creative! its cool you made the dragon like a owl and its name is night dragon. Love the story, love the details, love the characters, love the location I love everything on this story! keep up the good work!
  Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2016, 05:54 PM View Post #12 (Link)
patroclus (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
patroclus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 3
Points: 2.92
Times Thanked: 0
'He flapped his wings, which were as wide as those of planes.' doesn't really flow right to me? Maybe change it to something more along the lines of 'He flapped his wings as they stretched out to the length of a plane's' or something that incorporates both clauses into one?

This story is great though, I love it.
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-02-2016, 02:11 AM View Post #13 (Link)
Redhead311 (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 2
Points: 5
Times Thanked: 0
I'm very much in agreement with the other comments on this post. It is very short, but it makes for a cute children's story. As the others have stated, the dialogue seems rushed, and the only way we get to know Lisa's character is from you alerting us that she is always up for an adventure. Also, I find Lisa's reaction to the dragon to be quite strange. That fact that she isn't scared or even the slightest bit surprised that there is a mythical creature outside her window at night simply isn't realistic. I suggest you explain further what makes Lisa so unafraid. Is this a world where dragons are normal? Or has Lisa experienced fantastical events before and therefore knows Dragons exist, leading her to be unafraid? Make sure you describe what these circumstances are and what makes her react this way. Also, maybe allow us to experience Knox's character a bit through dialogue/ indirect characterization instead of having him simply explain his exact purpose and sleeping patterns. All in all, however, I found this story to be very nice. The plot of a girl unable to sleep being taken on a night voyage by a dragon is very interesting, and I think you execute it very well. It's very cute, simple, and a fun read. With a bit of editing and expansion, I think this can be even more great than it already is! Good work!
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-03-2016, 10:36 PM View Post #14 (Link)
Apocalypse (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Apocalypse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: is a place that I don't know of and you don't know of and we're both better off not knowing of.
Posts: 12
Points: 24
Times Thanked: 10
Hi, there!

I haven't read what others have said about your piece of writing, but the first few lines kind of held my attention and the title of the thread, too.

So here it goes.

Grammar/Spelling mistakes in this color.
My opinion in this color.
'I believe you should remove this' in this color.

P.S. This is my first critique in more than four years. *cracks knuckles and neck* Let's do this.

Originally Posted by sofiathewriter View Post
I wrote this for a writing workshop last weekend and wanted to know if there was anything I could do to improve it. All comments and suggestions are welcome.

Spoiler:
The wind awoke Lisa, howling in her ears like a wolf from her open bedroom window. Great imagery and attention holder. But I did have to read this sentence twice. I believe it has to do with the "from her open bedroom window" part. She sat up groggily and rubbed her eyes. There was no use trying to go back to sleep; she was never one to fall asleep easily after waking up. Groggily implies she is sleepy. It gives us the impression that she'll just flop back on her bed and get back to sleep. Perhaps her dreams were the reason for her insomnia. Every night, it seemed, she woke up in a cold sweat. Again, groggily and waking up in a cold sweat don't really go together.

Let me point out that even though I made various comments, the context you are trying to relay has drawn me in. Kudos.

A tap at her window made Lisa jump. Bewildered as to who—or what—could be up so early, she trudged sleepily over to her window and gasped when she saw . . . a dragon. He was slathered in emerald-green scales and had a fang-bearing grin plastered on his face. His tail came to a prim tip, colored a bright orange in sharp contrast with the rest of him.

“Are you ready?” he asked. Lisa wasn’t surprised that he could talk. But now I am confused. Very, very confused.

“For what?”

“C’mon! Hop on my back, and be my companion on this fine night.”

Always one for adventure and excitement, Lisa decided to accept his offer. She removed the protective screen from her window and jumped onto the dragon’s back, clinging to his neck for dear life. He flapped his wings, which were as wide as those of planes; before she knew it, they were riding off into the night. The only illumination were the twinkling stars and the streetlights below, though they were not as bright as the stars.

Lisa never imagined herself to be sitting on a dragon, let alone high enough above ground to touch the clouds, but now that she was, she closely observed the experience. He didn’t knock her off of his back with his speed, but he didn’t exactly lull her to sleep either. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she looked down, marveling at the tiny speckles of luminosity that were the streetlights.

“I forgot to introduce myself,” the dragon said. “Call me the Night Dragon. I’m what you call nocturnal: I sleep during the day and am awake during the night, like an owl.”

Lisa turned her gaze downward again. They were flying just above the trees, her bare feet brushing against their tops. A tingling sensation floated about her insides.

“Why me?” she asked. “There are a million other kids my age in this town, and yet you choose me to accompany you on this expedition. I have no talents.”

The Night Dragon turned his humongous head to face her. “It might make you fall asleep easier,” he replied, winking. What about but he didn’t exactly lull her to sleep either?

They glided in silence for a while, the only sound being the rushing water in the lake below. As the Night Dragon made an about face and began carefully retracing her his path, Lisa sorrowfully realized that her night journey would soon come to an end.

When they arrived back at her window, she bid the dragon a solemn adieu and he flew away like the majestic creature he was. Despite her sadness at the Night Dragon’s departure, she welcomed her window with open arms. I'm sorry, but this part reads awfully wrong. Maybe you could switch that to be the window welcoming her with open arms...? It just looked terrible in my imagination. And it kind of breaks the flow of the story. Even though she had been gone for perhaps an hour at most, it seemed as if her journey were had been for days.

Needless to say, the rest of the night her sleeping manner was that of a log’s. Manner? That word is just weird there.

Okay, I know that others have given you feedback already, but I really would like to express some of my thoughts. And yes, I know you have an improved version, but before I continue reading, I will let you know my thoughts on this one so that not only you'll see if you are indeed improving, but also if there is anything else that perhaps others missed that I did not.

The way you portray things is really nice. I like the idea behind the story. I like the imagery (as I have already mentioned). And I like that you don't beat around the bush.

However, the characters seem impersonal. Your descriptions are quite controversial at times. And there are a few words and/or phrases here and there that stop the flow of the story altogether and makes me think "What the..." (I can pinpoint those for you. VM me if you want.)

You have a knack for drawing your reader in, but your writing skills still need improvement to keep the reader drawn in.

Also, sometimes you begin a sentence showing and end up telling. This made me roll my eyes a bit because... you have so much potential! We must work on this, okay? We can't let your talents go to waste.

There goes my critique for your first version. On to the edited one.

Originally Posted by sofiathewriter View Post
Here is an updated version. Do you think it's better and more detailed?


The wind woke Lisa, howling in her ears like a wolf from her open bedroom window. Thwack! went the trees as they slammed against the siding. She sat up groggily and rubbed her eyes. Yet another night where sleep had just escaped her grasp. When this frustrating sleeplessness first started, she’d been four years old and, like all four year-olds, was afraid of monsters under her bed and eerie shadows in the night. Apparently, things didn’t always fade away with age.

A tap at her windowpane made Lisa jump. Bewildered as to who—or what—could be up so early, she trudged sleepily over to her window and gasped when she saw . . . a dragon. He was slathered in emerald-green scales and had a fang-bearing grin plastered on his face. His tail came to a prim tip, colored a bright orange in sharp contrast with the rest of him.

So far, I have noticed that your newly added details have built a better workflow in between your controversial descriptions. You did great here. My previous suggestions still stand, though. And I also have some ideas for you. (Again, VM me if you would like to talk about this.)

“Are you ready?” he asked. Lisa wasn’t surprised that he could talk.

“For what?”

“C’mon! Hop on my back, and be my companion on this fine night.”

Always one for adventure and excitement, Lisa decided to accept his offer. She removed the protective screen from her window and jumped onto the dragon’s back, clinging to his neck for dear life. He flapped his wings, which were as wide as those of planes; before she knew it, they were riding off into the night. The only illumination were the twinkling stars and the streetlights below, though they were not as bright as the stars. Okay, I know what you are trying to do here, but repetition is a big no-no. Try to expand or restructure this sentence so that you avoid repeating stars maybe?

Lisa never imagined herself to be sitting on a dragon, let alone high enough above ground to touch the clouds, but now that she was, she closely observed the experience her surroundings. Observing implies using your eyes. So, you can't quite observe an experience now, can you? (This is what I mean with words/phrases breaking the flow). He didn’t knock her off of his back with his speed, but he didn’t exactly lull her to sleep either. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she looked down, marveling at the tiny speckles of luminosity that were the streetlights. Like stars on poles.

“I forgot to introduce myself,” the dragon said. “Call me Knox, the Night Dragon. I’m what you call nocturnal: I sleep during the day and am awake during the night, like an owl.”

Lisa turned her gaze downward again. They were flying just above the trees, her bare feet brushing against their tops. A tingling sensation floated about her insides. For the first time in her life, she truly was flying. As opposed to the other one hundred other times she was faking flying?

Also... why doesn't she introduce herself, too? (Impersonal).

“Why me?” she asked. “I just find it funny how, out of the million other kids my age in this town, I’m the one who is riding on your back.”

Knox turned his humongous head to face her. His piercing-green eyes, flecked with gold, could be light sources themselves in all their brilliance. “It might make you fall asleep easier,” he replied, winking. “And I like the company.”

They glided in silence for a while, the only sound being the rushing water in the lake below. As the Knox made an about-face and began carefully retracing her path, Lisa sorrowfully realized that her night journey would soon come to an end.

When they arrived back at her window, she bid the dragon a solemn adieu and he flew away like the majestic creature he was. Despite her sadness at the Knox’s departure, she welcomed her window with open arms. Even though she had been gone for perhaps an hour at most, it seemed as if her journey were for days.

Needless to say, the rest of the night she slept like a log.
Well, okay... This version is better.

I still think there is room for improvement. And some of my former suggestions still stand. Also, was "the Knox" on purpose? Or was that a last-minute edit and you forgot to remove "the"?

Anyhow... Personally, I liked it. Flying gives a sense of peace when it is like that. And I can see this as the beginning of a long story. A friendship of sorts. Or perhaps a children's book. Or anything! As I said before, there is potential here. It's interesting; it drew me in. It holds meaning to those of us that wish we could be carried away by a dragon and have fantastically deep conversations with him.

I would love to see this improved and expanded.


I hope I was of help. I also hope I didn't come across as harsh.

__________________
悲しみ
孤独

Spoiler:
Nobody takes my advice. I wonder why.
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2016, 07:36 PM View Post #15 (Link)
Ruby Dawn (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Ruby Dawn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: The sofa
Posts: 7
Points: 8.69
Times Thanked: 1
The description of the dragon was good, the only thing is, I don't understand how Lisa went on the journey and could easily fall asleep. That's just my opinion, so don't feel pressured to change it.
  Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2017, 10:33 AM View Post #16 (Link)
Chips (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 11
Points: 2.17
Times Thanked: 0
Overall, I liked it! The description in the story was very well done. The only problem was that it felt like it went from flowing smoothly to being rushed and that sort of upset the way the story is written. Also, does she think this is a dream or real?
That part sort of confused me.
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:37 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.