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Old 09-03-2015, 08:33 PM View Post #1 (Link) Share the Truth
Elvenscholar (Offline)
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Please critique, been working one these lyrics for a while but I want as much constructive criticism as possible.

Verse 1
You've been drifting through my dreams,
driving me insane it seems.
I keep trying to let you go,
over and over but you're all I know.
I wish I could wipe my memory clean, undo
all the trust and the time that I wasted too.
I desperately wanna find someone new,
I just hope that I can love her as much as you.

Bridge
See I thought that we fit perfectly,
then you suddenly chose him over me.
Should've seen it too
but I could've sworn that you
cared enough to share the truth.

Chorus
It won’t help me to keep trying,
and it hurts to learn you were lying.
Even though you meant so much to me,
I know it just wasn’t meant to be, so
it’s time for these eyes to start drying.

Verse 2
I must say I was so surprised,
the first time I thought you felt the same as me inside.
I wanted you to stand beside me and help me grow,
but instead I had to watch you go.
Oh, there was so little I could do,
yeah, I knew I couldn’t tell you who to choose.
Yet I can’t shake this feeling that I’m bound to lose,
I’ve gotta learn to love myself as much as I loved you.

Bridge

Chorusx2
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						Last edited by Elvenscholar; 09-15-2015 at 05:31 PM.
					
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Old 09-08-2015, 03:04 AM View Post #2 (Link) Re: Share The Truth
RodBlack (Offline)
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Hello!

First of all, I'd like to say that the lyrics are quite nice with well done rhymes and are very sentimental. It's clear you put a lot of time and thought into them. Since they're lyrics and are a form to express yourself, I will not try and rewrite them with new material in order to back-up my suggestions, since I believe that'd be rude.

Second, fortunately I am also a musician so I have some basis to evaluate this piece both in a writing and musical perspective and my opinion goes as follows:

It is quite difficult to assess how lyrics can fit into a song without having any idea how the melody goes, its tempo and key signature. But that's beyond the point. The foremost aspect that I noticed is that I've had a hard time fitting some of the lyrics into a generic melody (that played in my mind) mostly because they don't follow a pattern in terms of sentence/syllable length in order to keep time with the phrasing.

For instance, you begin the first verse with...


You've been drifting through my dreams. driving me insane it seems.
I keep trying to let you go, over and over but you're all I know.


That works perfectly fine, but once you decided to shorten the lines like...

I wish I could wipe my memory clean, undo
all the trust and the time that I wasted too.


It becomes difficult to maintain the sense of rhythm and pacing set with the first two lines of the verse because they don't have as many syllables. You could intertwine them by writing one longer sentence then a shorter one and so on to make it work.
Although, if you do not wish for that then you should either lengthen the latter lines of the verse or shorten the former just to keep it even throughout without needing to completely change how to accent and sing the lines.

The bridge also suffers from disproportional sizes of the lines like the verse.

The chorus on the other hand works beautifully and there's not much point to changing it.

The outro is possible to maintain as is if you sing it in larger chunks, basically...


I cried over you, I decided to drink
Until I died
Abusing the booze, I ignored the proof that I
Was wasting my time
Choosing to be blind, and I was loosing my mind
Until a kind soul proved
That my life is mine


Rearranged as such improves the musicality of the lyrics considerably, in my opinion.

I enjoyed these lyrics and if they were already written with the melody laid out in your mind that makes it work then, by all means keep it that way. My critique was simply because I could not think of a melody that fit the lyrics.

Please, do not stop writing lyrics and music, it is a fantastic thing to do.

Cheers!
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Old 09-08-2015, 03:30 AM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Elvenscholar (Offline)
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Thanks a lot for the detailed critique. These lyrics have been written with a melody in mind, but I still certainly appreciate the points you have made. Since you put so much work into the critique, I'd like to give you the opportunity to hear the melody. If you want to message me your e-mail address then I could record a rough copy of myself singing the lyrics and send you a copy.
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Old 10-03-2015, 12:51 AM View Post #4 (Link) Critique of "Share the Truth"
kjwmc (Offline)
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First of all, I would like to say that it is hard for me to critique lyrics, as they are an art form and the most personal thing ever as they are literally a part of someone. Also, I tend to write lyrics first then music second, but I always have a melody. So for the purpose of this I will be thinking of what melody could work with it and adjusting the lines and structure accordingly. I will not remove any lyrics, although I may add some in (in brackets) to help with the flow on how I have perceive it, or give some suggestions if I think it is a little cliche. Also, it is hard for me to critique if I don't know the genre, but as the genre I work within is blues, and this looks like quite a sad song, I am going to switch it up as if it's a bluesy type song. Remember, a critique is a critique, you can take what you like from it, if anything at all.

That being said, let me get started

Originally Posted by Elvenscholar View Post
Please critique, been working one these lyrics for a while but I want as much constructive criticism as possible.

Verse 1
You've been
drifting through my dreams,
driving me insane it seems. A strong start. The drifting/dreams alliteration and imagery is nice.

I keep
trying to let you go,
over and over but you're all I know. Hm. This is a little cliche. Especially the over and over part. Saying that, sometimes songs are simple and it may be a melody thing. Perhaps consider though.

I wish
I could
wipe my memory clean, undo
I like this part.

all the
trust and the time that I wasted too.
I desperately wanna find someone new
But I've seen this concept in way too many songs for me to have any emotional connection to it. Perhaps rephrase it?

I just hope that I can love her
as much as you
Sometimes its nice to have a little something before a bridge. I'm envisioning a key change here or something that you can carry through into the bridge?

Bridge
See I thought that we fit perfectly,
then you suddenly chose him over me.
Should've seen it too
but I could've sworn that you
cared enough to share the truth.

Chorus
It won’t help me to keep trying,
and it hurts to learn you were lying.
Even though you meant so much to me,
I know it just wasn’t meant to be, so
it’s time for these eyes to start drying.

Forgive me for saying this, but the impression I get from this is you are trying way too hard to rhyme this, and all it's doing for me is disrupting the flow. You don't need to rhyme that much, consider "less is more." As for the lyrical content, I can't help but feeling its a little tired and cliche, especially "meant so much to me" and "wasn't meant to be."

Verse 2
I must
say that I was so surprised, I've added the 'that in to help with the flow I have in my head.
the first time I thought you felt the same as me inside. All this is doing for me is disrupting the flow, leaving it at 'the same' works better, in my opinion. Again, your song.

I wanted
you to stand beside me
and help me grow,
but instead I had to watch you go.

Oh, there was
so little I could do,
yeah, I knew I couldn’t tell you who to choose.
This is nice. I'm envisioning this as a key change similar to the one I thought and wrote about earlier, leading into the next 2 lines.

Yet I can’t shake this feeling that I’m bound to lose,
I’ve gotta learn to love myself as much as I loved you.
I love this part, but again I've split it up from how you've done it, in order to have that punchy 2 lines with the key change before the bridge.

Bridge

Chorusx2
Alright, some thoughts.

Lyrical content: Felt a little cliche at times, but only at times. The rest of it was really strong and I felt a connection to it as a blues listener, lover and player.
Rhyming: Consider again the rhyming, as in my opinion it was a little forced at times? Song structure is extremely important.
Instruments: I can see this being mainly a piano ballad with a bluesy electric guitar solo in it? Perhaps some acoustic guitar for good measure? I don't know what instruments you play, but that's what I heard when I sung the song along in my head. Whatever key it is in, should you accept my advice, I'd go up a full tone on the 2 liners I made from the larger bodies of lyrics, and back down a semi-tone for the chorus, so the chorus is still higher than the verses. I see some kind of short riff being needed in between the end of the chorus and the start of the verses.

This is the first song critique I've actually wrote down, but I am always analysing songs and their lyrics and looking for where a guitar could be, being a guitar player. But I was a song writer long before a guitar player, so I get quite scientific which the structure, melody and use of solos.

Please don't be offended by anything I have wrote. As aforementioned, it is merely a critique, and as a songwriter I am quite critical of lyrics anyway. Plus I listen to a lot of music of most genres, I'm not into anything too classical or too heavy, so I've seen and heard all the cliches in the book. Thanks for submitting your piece for critique and I hope I helped in some way!
  
						Last edited by kjwmc; 10-03-2015 at 12:52 AM.
					
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