Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 09-03-2015, 08:22 PM View Post #1 (Link) One Step at a Time
Elvenscholar (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
Elvenscholar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 98
Points: 10
Times Thanked: 17
Please critique.

Verse 1
I used to feel so lost, trapped in the past.
Unaware of the cost, my stamina fading fast.
Convinced it was love that had brought me to my knees,
when really it was fear, a demon I never could please.

Every which way was I tossed, like a ship without a mast.
Intentions bitten by frost, til the dice of fate were cast
by a hand from up above, who gave to me the keys
to unlock a future clear of my emotional disease.

Chorus(1)
So here I am, fighting for today.
I've got a plan and I'm making my way,
one step at a time. One step at a time.

Verse 2
I thought the fight was done but my struggle began anew.
The war was far from won, yet the scars I did accrue
help me to remember the depths that I had reached.
To keep myself afloat, there are lessons I need to teach.

Surrender to the sun, let the light empower you.
You're not the only one, others have suffered to.
Some of them came together after kneeling at the breach,
since then they do devote each moment to beseech.

Chorus(2)
Now I stand, no longer alone.
I'm just one man but I found myself a home.
So here I am, fighting for today.
I've got a plan and I'm making my way,
one step at a time. One step at a time.
__________________
An open mind is power...
  Reply With Quote
Old 09-08-2015, 03:17 AM View Post #2 (Link) Re: One Step At A Time
RodBlack (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Brazil
Posts: 5
Points: 2.23
Times Thanked: 1
Hello!

Another great lyric that to me had a very opera-esque feeling to it, with rather short words until the climax around the 6th syllable where the note would be sustained considerably before fading back into shorter words for the verses.

This piece has solid musicality to it: the sentences are consistent with one another allowing for the singing to flow seamlessly and therefore it is beautiful.

Only suggestion I would make would be to replace "without a mast" for "with no mast" just to have a better ring to it and follow the line slightly better.

All in all, it was very nicely written.

Cheers!
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:08 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.