Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 06-02-2015, 02:40 PM View Post #1 (Link) Jumpstart
lilyandherviolin (Offline)
Scholarly Apprentice
 
lilyandherviolin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 156
Points: 14.26
Times Thanked: 8
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of town now.
So long on the road, and still it hasn't come down.
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of small town.
I haven't seen the day, but I'm sure I'm on my countdown.

Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of town now.
I've been living in the dark, I've been running from my shadow.
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of small town.
I'm too deep in the past, I'm over my head now.

Tiny light, in the dark.
Guide my way, guide my heart.
Tiny light, in the dark.
Guide me home, guide my heart.

Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of town now.
So long on the road, and still it hasn't come down.
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of small town.
I haven't seen the day, but I'm sure I'm on my countdown.
__________________
I'm gone.....
  Reply With Quote
Old 06-06-2015, 10:45 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Tilly Tot (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
Tilly Tot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: England/Yorkshire
Posts: 61
Points: 23.44
Times Thanked: 11
Originally Posted by lilyandherviolin View Post
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of town I don't think you need the now at the end of this. now.
So long on the road, and still it hasn't come down. What hasn't come down?
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of small town.
I haven't seen the day, but I'm sure I'm on my countdown.

Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of town. now.
I've been living in the dark, I've been running from my shadow.
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of small town.
I'm too deep in the past, I'm over my head now.

Tiny light, in the dark.
Guide my way, guide my heart.
Tiny light, in the dark.
Guide me home, guide my heart.

Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of town now.
So long on the road, and still it hasn't come down.
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of small town.
I haven't seen the day, but I'm sure I'm on my countdown.
I like this song but in my opinion it needs to be longer or you'll keep repeating the same lines all over again.
I like a good song if the lines aren't always the same. I think that this song repeats itself too much and it needs more feelings to it.
__________________
People are like music; some speak the truth and others are just noise.
  Reply With Quote
Old 06-19-2015, 04:30 PM View Post #3 (Link)
Aria (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Aria's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 6
Points: 0
Times Thanked: 0
Originally Posted by lilyandherviolin View Post
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of town now.
So long on the road, and still it hasn't come down.
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of small town.
I haven't seen the day, but I'm sure I'm on my countdown.

Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of town now.
I've been living in the dark, I've been running from my shadow.
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of small town.
I'm too deep in the past, I'm over my head now.

Tiny light, in the dark.
Guide my way, guide my heart.
Tiny light, in the dark.
Guide me home, guide my heart.

Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of town now.
So long on the road, and still it hasn't come down.
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of small town.
I haven't seen the day, but I'm sure I'm on my countdown.
This is good! Especially since you're only 13! I'm a songwriter too, so yay for songwriters!

However, I agree with the above critiquer. I think you should add a bridge, maybe a tag, or pre-chorus. Just make it a little longer. throw a splash of variety in there! But, overall, it's good! Keep it up!
  Reply With Quote
Old 07-08-2015, 02:52 PM View Post #4 (Link)
Izzy_Uchiha (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 1
Points: 5.23
Times Thanked: 0
Originally Posted by lilyandherviolin View Post
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of town now.
So long on the road, and still it hasn't come down.
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of small town.
I haven't seen the day, but I'm sure I'm on my countdown.

Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of town now.
I've been living in the dark, I've been running from my shadow.
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of small town.
I'm too deep in the past, I'm over my head now.

Tiny light, in the dark.
Guide my way, guide my heart.
Tiny light, in the dark.
Guide me home, guide my heart.

Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of town now.
So long on the road, and still it hasn't come down.
Thought I'd get a jumpstart, gettin' out of small town.
I haven't seen the day, but I'm sure I'm on my countdown.
That's really good.
  Reply With Quote
Old 08-11-2015, 10:35 PM View Post #5 (Link)
horselover913 (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
horselover913's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 56
Points: 8.32
Times Thanked: 3
No offense but it gave me a headache. It said the same thing over and over again. It had a nice ring to it but it was disorganized and had the same lyrics in it. Try to label what is what, for example, chorus. Also, the song would probably seem like it has less of the same thing if you put more, different lyrics in the song. You have talent, you just need to shape it.
__________________
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times . . ."

Charles Dickens 'A Tale of Two Cities'
  Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:35 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.