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Ballad of a Homeless Man
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View Post #1 (Link) Ballad of a Homeless Man |
Idea Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 55
Points: 28
Times Thanked: 9
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NOTE: this song doesn't really have a chorus or bridge. It's also more of a blues song
I took it all to the city Put on my tie and shined up my shoes I can honestly say, when I left then, I had Every intention to return to you I felt so small when I got there The world's big enough to swallow me whole I guess I should count myself lucky, it just Chewed up my cash spat me out on the road Yeah, I guess I was a rich man Until thirty-five minutes ago Yeah, I guess I had a little more than I needed, now I got Nothing to be, and no place to go All my cards out where I left them No more green in my hand no more tricks up my sleeve And my friends, they were kind enough To bring out my bags when they asked me to leave All I wanted or desired Was unfeeling and worthless and paper and green The finest cuisine, the diamond's white sheen, Oh, none of that is free~ The price is to high for a poor man, like me Yeah, I guess I was a rich man The years have rolled on but the street is the same I may not remember what it feels like To sleep in a bed, but the dream is the same Yeah, I guess I was a rich man 'Till I shook off the dust of my faraway home Now I know I don't deserve you, but No man deserves to be all alone Put some change in my hat, I promise I'll change Put some change in my hat, I promise I'll change Put some change in my hat, I promise I'll change Put some change in my hat, and I'll see you again |
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View Post #2 (Link) Nice |
Literary Newbie
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 1
Points: 5.35
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View Post #3 (Link) |
Idea Scribe
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 56
Points: 8.32
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Faztastic! It sounds like 21st century country music . I loved it! It has a theme that is understandable and appropriate for young listeners. You've got an amazing talent!
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View Post #4 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it | |
Idea Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 55
Points: 28
Times Thanked: 9
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Jokes On You 142. |
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View Post #5 (Link) |
Literary Newbie
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 5
Points: 3.11
Times Thanked: 2
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Really liking this - people will either relate or gain some understanding from it. I can imagine it having a good modern blues-type sound. I don't think this kind of thing would do immensely well in the mainstream scene (too much meaning, if I'm going to be honest) but I can imagine these lyrics being pretty successful otherwise. Great job! And I don't think the lack of structure takes anything away from it.
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View Post #6 (Link) | ||
Novice Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Points: 14.61
Times Thanked: 1
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It's been a while since I visited or posted on here but the standard of crits judging by this thread seems to have taken a nose-dive. A lot of this is nice and generic platitudes but no real in-depth discussion of the work or suggestions for you to improve. The first thing to say is that the imagery in this is very powerful and builds up a nice story, I love a good old down and out tail and I sorted of sang this in a bastardised Bob Dylan style (he sings in third person so it was hard to adjust) mixed with a bit of Elvis in my head (to save the neighbours) as it had that sort of feel by the lyrics; looking at a desperate situation and trying to see the world through the people in it's eyes. There's an old West Ham FC footy song based on an American song called I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles which is about despair of watching a football match and I can see the chorus of that mirrored in this piece well (the bolded bit in particular). It really builds up a similar picture of success and failure as your piece did to me.
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View Post #7 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it | |
Idea Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 55
Points: 28
Times Thanked: 9
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Wow! I really appreciate that and I wish you could hear how it sounds with a melody~
Yes, the song does have fluctuations in rhythm, but that's only because it doesn't really have a structure like most songs you hear today. The only way to really show you just how it would sound would be to either transcribe it onto paper, or to send you an audio clip of my voice. The latter part would be a little strange for me to send to someone I don't even know. But, I could try to transcribe it via noteflight.com or something.
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