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Old 08-07-2014, 04:42 AM View Post #1 (Link) Drink Me
peripheralhero (Offline)
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You drink my pain through a plastic straw.
Grit your teeth as it slides down.
Conceal it with a smile.
Hot, sticky, it stains your lips.
A crimson kiss.

Stain me.
Turn my body black and blue.
It's me who deserves it, not you.
Not you.

You water the dead dandelions that lie in between my rib cage.
Do you really believe that they will grow once more?
I blow the fragments,
and watch them dance in the stagnant air.

Please,
catch them in your eyelashes.
Plant them in my bloodstream.
Melt my heart and collect it in a paper cup.
For it is only you,
whom I wish to drink it.


Please critique as much as you can!!! I would really like to make this one as good as I can!!!
  
						Last edited by peripheralhero; 08-07-2014 at 04:43 AM.
					
					 Reason: grammatical errors
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Old 08-13-2014, 04:09 AM View Post #2 (Link)
almar707 (Offline)
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You drink my pain through a plastic straw.
Grit your teeth as it slides down.
Conceal it with a smile.
Hot, sticky, it stains your lips.
A crimson kiss.

Stain me.
Turn my body black and blue.
It's me who deserves it, not you.
Not you.

You water the dead dandelions that lie in between my rib cage.
Do you really believe that they will grow once more?
I blow the fragments,
and watch them dance in the stagnant air.

Please,
catch them in your eyelashes.
Plant them in my bloodstream.
Melt my heart and collect it in a paper cup.
For it is only you,
whom I wish to drink it.


Hi.
This is my first critique on this forum, so I'm not particularly sure how helpful it will be. Your imagery is vivid, and I really did enjoy that aspect of your poetry.
I thought the line "catch them in your eyelashes, plant them in my bloodstream" was very creative and colorful. I interpreted this poem as someone has passes and they are looking on to someone that is mourning their death, and they are reflecting on the sorrow their death is causing someone else, and how they deserve to feel the sadness instead. I'm not sure if that's correct but that is how I interpreted it. The only thing I would say is I had trouble finding the connection between the phases of the poem. Other than that I did really enjoy it, and I thought the word choice was nice.
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Old 08-17-2014, 11:00 PM View Post #3 (Link)
Isis (Offline)
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I think this poem falls in an interesting place between literal and metaphorical body imagery. The whole first stanza is a good example.
You drink my pain through a plastic straw.
Grit your teeth as it slides down.
Conceal it with a smile.
Hot, sticky, it stains your lips.
A crimson kiss.
The metaphorical - drink my pain - becomes physical, with the speaker focusing on the other person's (the lover's?) drinking, teeth, facial expression, the body imagery that's looking towards 'gross yet sexual' territory.

A quick aside about this stanza: At first the short one-line sentences threw me off. Rereading the poem I feel a little bit more of a rhythm to them. But they're still not what iI expected, and the staccato rhythm is really different from the pace of the rest of the poem. what were you trying to achieve with this linebreak/punctuation combo?

That makes me not quite sure how to take these lines in the second stanza:
Stain me.
Turn my body black and blue.
For a moment I wondered, is this a metaphor? But re-reading the poem it feels literal, so literal that it hurts to read it. Overall the second stanza feels to me like a description of abuse/domestic violence in four lines. And it hurts because it's familiar. That's actually making it difficult for me to see this part of the poem - and maybe the whole poem - impartially. That's what happens in bad relationships where one person is controlling or gaslighting the other: the person receiving the brunt of physical or emotional turmoil is told that they're no good, that they deserve whatever they get because of previous pain or struggle or problems that make them lesser.

I think the third and fourth stanzas of the poem go back to the sort of physical/metaphorical duality that's so strong in the first stanza.
You water the dead dandelions that lie in between my rib cage.
Do you really believe that they will grow once more?
I blow the fragments,
and watch them dance in the stagnant air.
Maybe the third stanza description is the most metaphorical, but it still draws on a lot of body imagery to make the point about the speaker feeling dead and empty and in the autumn of emotional life. There are a few things I really like about this image: I can see the dead dandelions well, someone blowing on the spotty, ragged tufts and watching the seeds kind of move around a little and then go nowhere. It's a briefly hopeful image that turns hopeless, so it definitely feels appropriate for what I see as the main theme/story in this poem.

At the same time, I don't know how I feel about the image in the first line, the dandelions in the rib cage. The chest/heart like a desolate landscape or like a refuse bin is an interesting comparison. At the same time, I've seen lots of poetry over the past few years where the chest/the rib cage in particular is a big image motif. Maybe I'm just getting cranky and old? But maybe there are other ways to convey some kind of deep hurt in both the heart/body, some kind of sense of the body, without focusing on the rib cage image. Note that this is a totally personal, weird reaction. Everyone is going to react to different images in a different way. Some people probably love rib cage images. Some people probably don't care either way. I'm just urging you to maybe brainstorm a little more about the section -- maybe the rib cage image is the best image for what you're trying to convey to the reader.

Please,
catch them in your eyelashes.
Plant them in my bloodstream.
Melt my heart and collect it in a paper cup.
For it is only you,
whom I wish to drink it.
The last stanza feels like it returns to a similar metaphor/literal balance when writing about the body. This stanza feels very conflicted to me: like the speaker wants some kind of new life, but is also giving it away to the other person in the poem. And best on what's gone before, this person seems like an abusive friend/lover and not the person to give ones heart to. Asking the person being addressed with this poem to catch the dandelion tufts of the speaker's former life or personality and plant them feels really futile to me.

While this poem pretty much functions on a metaphorical level in order to show the relationship between the speaker and the person being addressed, I wonder what would happen if we got glimpses of other levels of narrative. I don't think these are necessary for this poem to function. I think I get it without literal storytelling or description. At least, from my comments above you should be able to tell whether this poem has communicated your intent to me effectively or not. But having multiple narrative levels could be something to consider for future drafts, or for future poems on similar subjects.

Overall I'm not quite sure how you should revise this poem. Hopefully my overall impressions and comments will help you figure out what parts communicate, and what parts don't. I'd be happy to discuss this or revised versions further! If you want to talk more about this poem, I hope you either respond in this thread or send me a VM/PM.
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Old 08-20-2014, 02:00 PM View Post #4 (Link)
Stacey (Offline)
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When i read your critique of my poem"an inquiry into nature",i was like'sounds pretty cool,would love to see some of his works'and chance led me to 'Drink me'.Trust me,i was blushing from the beginning of the poem to the end and i'm not making jokes.This poem just made my day!Like the first person said,it is very creative and imaginative;i mean it goes outside the scope of mundane poetry."Drink my pain through a plastic straw","water the dandelions in my ribcage","catch them in your eyelashes","melt my heart","collect it in a paper cup",those were beautiful(or any word more than that).The first,third and last verse were perfect(to me!),can't think of what to add or subtract.But perharps you could do a little more work on the 2nd verse.Idont really see a connection.(maybe i'm not just imaginative enough).It talked about violence from a third party........i thought it was a love poem???Anyways,it doesn't change the fact that this is the best piece of poetry i've ever seen!Good work!.................(i just found a mentor).
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Old 08-20-2014, 05:12 PM View Post #5 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
peripheralhero (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Isis View Post
I think this poem falls in an interesting place between literal and metaphorical body imagery. The whole first stanza is a good example.

The metaphorical - drink my pain - becomes physical, with the speaker focusing on the other person's (the lover's?) drinking, teeth, facial expression, the body imagery that's looking towards 'gross yet sexual' territory.

A quick aside about this stanza: At first the short one-line sentences threw me off. Rereading the poem I feel a little bit more of a rhythm to them. But they're still not what iI expected, and the staccato rhythm is really different from the pace of the rest of the poem. what were you trying to achieve with this linebreak/punctuation combo?

That makes me not quite sure how to take these lines in the second stanza:
For a moment I wondered, is this a metaphor? But re-reading the poem it feels literal, so literal that it hurts to read it. Overall the second stanza feels to me like a description of abuse/domestic violence in four lines. And it hurts because it's familiar. That's actually making it difficult for me to see this part of the poem - and maybe the whole poem - impartially. That's what happens in bad relationships where one person is controlling or gaslighting the other: the person receiving the brunt of physical or emotional turmoil is told that they're no good, that they deserve whatever they get because of previous pain or struggle or problems that make them lesser.

I think the third and fourth stanzas of the poem go back to the sort of physical/metaphorical duality that's so strong in the first stanza.

Maybe the third stanza description is the most metaphorical, but it still draws on a lot of body imagery to make the point about the speaker feeling dead and empty and in the autumn of emotional life. There are a few things I really like about this image: I can see the dead dandelions well, someone blowing on the spotty, ragged tufts and watching the seeds kind of move around a little and then go nowhere. It's a briefly hopeful image that turns hopeless, so it definitely feels appropriate for what I see as the main theme/story in this poem.

At the same time, I don't know how I feel about the image in the first line, the dandelions in the rib cage. The chest/heart like a desolate landscape or like a refuse bin is an interesting comparison. At the same time, I've seen lots of poetry over the past few years where the chest/the rib cage in particular is a big image motif. Maybe I'm just getting cranky and old? But maybe there are other ways to convey some kind of deep hurt in both the heart/body, some kind of sense of the body, without focusing on the rib cage image. Note that this is a totally personal, weird reaction. Everyone is going to react to different images in a different way. Some people probably love rib cage images. Some people probably don't care either way. I'm just urging you to maybe brainstorm a little more about the section -- maybe the rib cage image is the best image for what you're trying to convey to the reader.


The last stanza feels like it returns to a similar metaphor/literal balance when writing about the body. This stanza feels very conflicted to me: like the speaker wants some kind of new life, but is also giving it away to the other person in the poem. And best on what's gone before, this person seems like an abusive friend/lover and not the person to give ones heart to. Asking the person being addressed with this poem to catch the dandelion tufts of the speaker's former life or personality and plant them feels really futile to me.

While this poem pretty much functions on a metaphorical level in order to show the relationship between the speaker and the person being addressed, I wonder what would happen if we got glimpses of other levels of narrative. I don't think these are necessary for this poem to function. I think I get it without literal storytelling or description. At least, from my comments above you should be able to tell whether this poem has communicated your intent to me effectively or not. But having multiple narrative levels could be something to consider for future drafts, or for future poems on similar subjects.

Overall I'm not quite sure how you should revise this poem. Hopefully my overall impressions and comments will help you figure out what parts communicate, and what parts don't. I'd be happy to discuss this or revised versions further! If you want to talk more about this poem, I hope you either respond in this thread or send me a VM/PM.
Thank you so much for this amazing critique. You definitely understood what I was trying to get across in this poem and I'm so excited to revise it. In my writing I use body imagery in both a literal and metaphorical situations because I think it's almost an anchor that relates to the part of the poem that is personal to my life. When I first wrote this poem the idea was that I was the speaker and my boyfriend the recipient. I wanted to express my relationship in a way that possibly people could relate to both literally and metaphorically. Referring to the second stanza, it was meant to portray mental abuse in a way that could be taken literally. This is because I wan't people to be able to relate to it and perceive it in their own way. The sort of staccato rhythm I used did not have a purpose in this poem. It is really just the way I am used to writing and how I am most comfortable writing. It is something I really have to work on so that I can create better flow in my writing. Thank you for pointing that out. I do plan on revising this poem and reposting it so I hope you will give your feedback again. Thanks!!
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Old 08-20-2014, 05:16 PM View Post #6 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
peripheralhero (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Stacey View Post
When i read your critique of my poem"an inquiry into nature",i was like'sounds pretty cool,would love to see some of his works'and chance led me to 'Drink me'.Trust me,i was blushing from the beginning of the poem to the end and i'm not making jokes.This poem just made my day!Like the first person said,it is very creative and imaginative;i mean it goes outside the scope of mundane poetry."Drink my pain through a plastic straw","water the dandelions in my ribcage","catch them in your eyelashes","melt my heart","collect it in a paper cup",those were beautiful(or any word more than that).The first,third and last verse were perfect(to me!),can't think of what to add or subtract.But perharps you could do a little more work on the 2nd verse.Idont really see a connection.(maybe i'm not just imaginative enough).It talked about violence from a third party........i thought it was a love poem???Anyways,it doesn't change the fact that this is the best piece of poetry i've ever seen!Good work!.................(i just found a mentor).
Thank you so much!!! I'm glad you enjoyed it!! I do need to work on the second stanza a little, your'e correct. It is a love poem and the second stanza is about violence but sadly, those two go hand in hand sometimes. If you'd like you could go over and read the other poem I have posted on here "Body" and tell me what think! I would love to read more of your work. Thank you again for your input!
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