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Old 04-02-2014, 12:11 PM View Post #1 (Link) The Joke's on Everyone
That's_Fancy (Offline)
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Sooo. This is the first story I've ever shared with anyone outside of my circle of friends. I hope you enjoy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something brushed up against my foot. It was dark in the cave, and I jumped. I'd been a little spooked already, but this pushed me over.

“Dan, I'm leaving. I don't know why you dragged me in here, but we don't even have a light. This is freaky.”

There was a pause, then my friend answered me.

“Come on, Sammy, man up. Don't leave me in here... We have to find what I lost. I think we're almost there.”

“Almost where?” I burst out. “What are we even looking for?”

“What I lost. You'll see when we get there, I promise.”

“Get where?” I made a deal with myself: If he didn't tell me, I was leaving.

“I can't tell you.”

“Fine. I'm leaving. I'll wait for you outside.”

“Fine. But don't expect me to go to that concert with you tomorrow.”

“Whatever. I only asked you because Kimmy was busy.”

I stormed off before he could say anything else.

I made it out of the cave without bumping into the sides too many times, which was an accomplishment considering the fact that it was pitch black and I didn't have a flashlight.

My other friend, Peter, was waiting at the mouth of the cave. He stood up as I came out.

“Where's Dan?” He asked.

“Still in there. He was being really weird, and it was super dark and creepy, so I left. I think he might be mad at me.”

“Well, I'm glad you're back, I was starting to get worried.”

“Me too,” I said. “I don't know how he convinced me to go in there.”

“Hey, let's just go,” Peter said. “I'm getting tired of waiting.”

We expected to get a call from Dan when he got out of the cave and realized we weren't there, but he must have been pissed that we left, because we didn't hear from him.

That night, I was about to fall asleep when I heard pebbles on my window. I pulled

myself out of bed and opened the window. It was Pete.

“Hey buddy!” he called. “Let's go to the cave! We need to find what I lost.”

“You're crazy!” I answered. “You were the one that refused to do it before. Why

do you want to go in there now?”

“I told you, man! We have to find what I lost.”

“What did you lose, anyways?”

“I don't know, but I've got to find it!” He giggled.

“Are you high?” I asked, not sure why else he would be acting like this.

“Nope!” He giggled again. “Are you coming or not?”

“There's no way in hell I'm going with you. Dude, do you even know what time it is?”

“Your loss!” he called in a last effort to make me come along.

“More like your loss of sleep!” I retorted, then shut the window and went back to bed.

The next day my mom woke me up, sounding sort of frantic.

“Sam, were you with Dan and Peter yesterday?” she asked me.

“Yeah, why?” I answered sleepily.

“Dan never went home yesterday, and apparently Pete didn't sleep in his bed last night.”

I remembered the events of the day before. Could it be that Dan never even left the

cave? And Pete, what about him? He had refused to go in the caves earlier, but then he came to my window all weird, insisting that we had to find something, and now he was missing, too.

Then again, it was April Fools Day, and Peter and Dan were known for pulling pranks. They were probably just trying to cause a fuss.

“Yeah, I was with them. They both went into the cave by Gutterson's field.”

My mom left, and I decided I'd better get out of bed.

The day was a haze of rushing and noise. Police questions, Pete and Dan's parents

crying, so on and so forth. I figured no one would appreciate me telling them that Dan and Peter were probably just pulling an April Fools joke.

The cops had been in and out of the cave by Gutterson's all day, and apparently the only thing they found was an empty tin of mints. Dan's obsessed with them.

I went to bed certain that they'd come back the next day. I wouldn't want to be them when they got home. Their parents were going to be so pissed.

Again, I was woken up in the middle of the night, but unlike when Pete was tossing pebbles, this time I couldn't tell why. I listened, but everything was silent. Then I realized, there was a voice pounding in my head.

“Go to the cave. You need to find what you lost. Go to the cave.”

I needed to obey the voice. It was the weirdest feeling. I was conscious, and I didn't want to go, but all I could do was obey the voice.

As I pulled on my pants, it dawned on me that this was what had happened to Dan and Pete, and that I wasn't coming back either.
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Old 04-04-2014, 04:00 PM View Post #2 (Link)
M. Shadrick (Offline)
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Originally Posted by That's_Fancy View Post
Sooo. This is the first story I've ever shared with anyone outside of my circle of friends. I hope you enjoy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something brushed up against my foot. It was dark in the cave, and I jumped. I'd been a little spooked already, but this pushed me over.

“Dan, I'm leaving. I don't know why you dragged me in here, but we don't even have a light. This is freaky.” "but" does not seem necessary.

There was a pause, then my friend answered me. Instead of "my friend" try using his name "Dan", also I don't think "me is necessary.

“Come on, Sammy, man up. Don't leave me in here... We have to find what I lost. I think we're almost there.”

“Almost where?” I burst out. “What are we even looking for?”

“What I lost. You'll see when we get there, I promise.”

“Get where?” I made a deal with myself: If he didn't tell me, I was leaving.

“I can't tell you.”

“Fine. I'm leaving. I'll wait for you outside.” I will put an ! after fine or make the . a , .

“Fine. But don't expect me to go to that concert with you tomorrow.” Same here.

“Whatever. I only asked you because Kimmy was busy.”

I stormed off before he could say anything else.

I made it out of the cave without bumping into the sides too many times, which was an accomplishment considering the fact that it was pitch black and I didn't have a flashlight. You already said you don't have a flashlight so it is redundant.

My other friend, Peter, was waiting at the mouth of the cave. He stood up as I came out.

“Where's Dan?” He asked.

“Still in there. He was being really weird, and it was super dark and creepy, so I left. I think he might be mad at me.”

“Well, I'm glad you're back, I was starting to get worried.”

“Me too,” I said. “I don't know how he convinced me to go in there.”

“Hey, let's just go,” Peter said. “I'm getting tired of waiting.”

We expected to get a call from Dan when he got out of the cave and realized we weren't there, but he must have been pissed that we left, because we didn't hear from him.

That night, I was about to fall asleep when I heard pebbles on my window. "pebbles on your window" is a bit vag. I pulled myself out of bed and opened the window. It was Pete.

“Hey buddy!” he called. “Let's go to the cave! We need to find what I lost.”

“You're crazy!” I answered. “You were the one that refused to do it before. Why

do you want to go in there now?”

“I told you, man! We have to find what I lost.”

“What did you lose, anyways?”

“I don't know, but I've got to find it!” He giggled.

“Are you high?” I asked, not sure why else he would be acting like this.

“Nope!” He giggled again. “Are you coming or not?”

“There's no way in hell I'm going with you. Dude, do you even know what time it is?”

“Your loss!” he called in a last effort to make me come along.

“More like your loss of sleep!” I retorted, then shut the window and went back to bed . . .


That is the extent of what I found 8D

The story is very entertaining (creepy like a Goosebumps) You could write a cool book with this. You do a good job of painting a picture with limited words.

Question is Sam a boy or a girl?
  
						Last edited by M. Shadrick; 04-04-2014 at 05:08 PM.
					
					 Reason: Unfinished :/
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Old 04-04-2014, 06:05 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
That's_Fancy (Offline)
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M. Shadrick, Sam is a guy. I thought I'd conveyed that with "Come on, Sammy, man up." but maybe I need to drop some more hints. Thanks for the critique!
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Old 04-04-2014, 06:45 PM View Post #4 (Link)
M. Shadrick (Offline)
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I thought he was I just was not sure
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Old 04-05-2014, 06:55 AM View Post #5 (Link)
clairebears (Offline)
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Spoiler:
Originally Posted by That's_Fancy View Post
Something brushed up against my foot. It was dark in the cave, and I jumped. I'd been a little spooked already, but this pushed me over. I feel like this is too much "telling" more than "showing". The next line of dialogue conveys this anyway.

“Dan, I'm leaving. I don't know why you dragged me in here, but The 'but' isn't necessary. we don't even have a light. This is freaky.”

There was a pause, then my friend answered me. I don't think you need a new line for the next dialogue. If you change that period to a comma the dialogue could follow directly.

“Come on, Sammy, man up. Don't leave me in here... We have to find what I lost. I think we're almost there.”

“Almost where?” I burst out. “What are we even looking for?”

“What I lost. You'll see when we get there, I promise.”

“Get where?” I made a deal with myself: If he didn't tell me, I was leaving.

“I can't tell you.”

“Fine. I'm leaving. I'll wait for you outside.”

“Fine. But don't expect me to go to that concert with you tomorrow.”

“Whatever. I only asked you because Kimmy was busy.”

I stormed off before he could say anything else.

I made it out of the cave without bumping into the sides too many times, which was an accomplishment considering the fact that it was pitch black and I didn't have a flashlight. I feel like this is repetitive. You've already established that it's dark and they don't have any light.

My other friend, Peter, was waiting at the mouth of the cave. He stood up as I came out.

“Where's Dan?” He asked.

“Still in there. He was being really weird, and it was super dark and creepy, so I left. I think he might be mad at me.”

“Well, I'm glad you're back, I was starting to get worried.”

“Me too,” I said. “I don't know how he convinced me to go in there.”

“Hey, let's just go,” Peter said. “I'm getting tired of waiting.”

We expected to get a call from Dan when he got out of the cave and realized we weren't there, but he must have been pissed that we left, because we didn't hear from him.

That night, I was about to fall asleep when I heard pebbles on my window. I pulled myself out of bed and opened the window. It was Pete. I thought his name was Peter? Maybe establish that they call him "Pete" as a nickname earlier. But that's more personal preference than anything else.

“Hey buddy!” he called. “Let's go to the cave! We need to find what I lost.”

“You're crazy!” I answered. “You were the one that refused to do it before. Why do you want to go in there now?”

“I told you, man! We have to find what I lost.”

“What did you lose, anyways?”

“I don't know, but I've got to find it!” He You don't have to capitalise the "h" because it's a dialogue taggiggled.

“Are you high?” I asked, not sure why else he would be acting like this.

“Nope!” He same here: "he". giggled again. “Are you coming or not?”

“There's no way in hell I'm going with you. Dude, do you even know what time it is?”

“Your loss!” he called in a last effort to make me come along.

“More like your loss of sleep!” I retorted, then shut the window and went back to bed.

The next day my mom woke me up, sounding sort of frantic.

“Sam, were you with Dan and Peter yesterday?” she asked me.

“Yeah, why?” I answered sleepily.

“Dan never went home yesterday, and apparently Pete didn't sleep in his bed last night.”

I remembered the events of the day before. Could it be that Dan never even left the cave? And Pete, what about him? He had refused to go in the caves caves or cave? Isn't there only one? earlier, but then he came to my window all weird, insisting that we had to find something, and now he was missing, too.

Then again, it was April Fools Day, and Peter and Dan were known for pulling pranks. They were probably just trying to cause a fuss.

“Yeah, I was with them. They both went into the cave by Gutterson's field.”

My mom left, and I decided I'd better get out of bed.

The day was a haze of rushing and noise. that sounds a bit awkward... maybe reword it somehow? Police questions, Pete and Dan's parents crying, so on and so forth. I figured no one would appreciate me telling them that Dan and Peter were probably just pulling an April Fools joke.

The cops had been in and out of the cave by Gutterson's all day, and apparently the only thing they found was an empty tin of mints. Dan's obsessed with them.

I went to bed certain that they'd come back the next day. I wouldn't want to be them when they got home. Their parents were going to be so pissed.

Again, I was woken up in the middle of the night, but unlike when Pete was tossing pebbles, this time I couldn't tell why. I listened, but everything was silent. Then I realized, there was a voice pounding in my head.

“Go to the cave. You need to find what you lost. Go to the cave.”

I needed to obey the voice. It was the weirdest feeling. I was conscious, and I didn't want to go, but all I could do was obey the voice.

As I pulled on my pants, it dawned on me that this was what had happened to Dan and Pete, and that I wasn't coming back either.


Good work! I think you've done a good job plotwise, although the prose itself sounds a bit stiff. That just comes with time though, so keep writing and I'm sure that will improve I enjoyed the read!
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Old 04-09-2014, 08:08 PM View Post #6 (Link)
christos200 (Offline)
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I liked it. The reaction of the main character to his friend's request of going inside the cave was actually quite funny.

Originally Posted by That's_Fancy View Post
Something brushed up against my foot. It was dark in the cave, and I jumped. I'd been a little spooked already, but this pushed me over.

“Dan, I'm leaving. I don't know why you dragged me in here, but we don't even have a light. This is freaky.” The but here should be removed. It makes no sense with the but.

There was a pause, then my friend answered me.

“Come on, Sammy, man up. Don't leave me in here... We have to find what I lost. I think we're almost there.”

“Almost where?” I burst out. “What are we even looking for?”

“What I lost. You'll see when we get there, I promise.”

“Get where?” I made a deal with myself: If he didn't tell me, I was leaving.

“I can't tell you.”

“Fine. I'm leaving. I'll wait for you outside.”

“Fine. But don't expect me to go to that concert with you tomorrow.”

“Whatever. I only asked you because Kimmy was busy.”

I stormed off before he could say anything else.

I made it out of the cave without bumping into the sides too many times, which was an accomplishment considering the fact that it was pitch black and I didn't have a flashlight. As other have said, you have already established that the cave is dark, so it is unnecessary for you to repeat it again. However, this is not a big error.

My other friend, Peter, was waiting at the mouth of the cave. He stood up as I came out.

“Where's Dan?” He asked.

“Still in there. He was being really weird, and it was super dark and creepy, so I left. I think he might be mad at me.”

“Well, I'm glad you're back, I was starting to get worried.”

“Me too,” I said. “I don't know how he convinced me to go in there.”

“Hey, let's just go,” Peter said. “I'm getting tired of waiting.”

We expected to get a call from Dan when he got out of the cave and realized we weren't there, but he must have been pissed that we left, because we didn't hear from him.

That night, I was about to fall asleep when I heard pebbles on my window. I pulled

myself out of bed and opened the window. It was Pete.

“Hey buddy!” he called. “Let's go to the cave! We need to find what I lost.”

“You're crazy!” I answered. “You were the one that refused to do it before. Why

do you want to go in there now?”

“I told you, man! We have to find what I lost.”

“What did you lose, anyways?”

“I don't know, but I've got to find it!” He giggled.

“Are you high?” I asked, not sure why else he would be acting like this.

“Nope!” He giggled again. “Are you coming or not?”

“There's no way in hell I'm going with you. Dude, do you even know what time it is?”

“Your loss!” he called in a last effort to make me come along.

“More like your loss of sleep!” I retorted, then shut the window and went back to bed.

lol. I laughed loud at this point. You have the right mix of mystery and comedy.

The next day my mom woke me up, sounding sort of frantic.

“Sam, were you with Dan and Peter yesterday?” she asked me.

“Yeah, why?” I answered sleepily.

“Dan never went home yesterday, and apparently Pete didn't sleep in his bed last night.”

I remembered the events of the day before. Could it be that Dan never even left the

Why is this split? Not a major error, but you should avoid making such mistakes, since appearance matters too to a text. The reader is more willing to read a text that has good appearance.cave? And Pete, what about him? He had refused to go in the caves earlier, but then he came to my window all weird, insisting that we had to find something, and now he was missing, too.

Then again, it was April Fools Day, and Peter and Dan were known for pulling pranks. They were probably just trying to cause a fuss.

When I read this, I really believed for a moment that Sam's friends were joking and pulling a prank.

“Yeah, I was with them. They both went into the cave by Gutterson's field.”

My mom left, and I decided I'd better get out of bed.

The day was a haze of rushing and noise. Police questions, Pete and Dan's parents

Same as my above advise. This should be united with the above sentence.crying, so on and so forth. I figured no one would appreciate me telling them that Dan and Peter were probably just pulling an April Fools joke.

The cops had been in and out of the cave by Gutterson's all day, and apparently the only thing they found was an empty tin of mints. Dan's obsessed with them.

I went to bed certain that they'd come back the next day. I wouldn't want to be them when they got home. Their parents were going to be so pissed.

Again, I was woken up in the middle of the night, but unlike when Pete was tossing pebbles, this time I couldn't tell why. I listened, but everything was silent. Then I realized, there was a voice pounding in my head.

“Go to the cave. You need to find what you lost. Go to the cave.”

I needed to obey the voice. It was the weirdest feeling. I was conscious, and I didn't want to go, but all I could do was obey the voice.

As I pulled on my pants, it dawned on me that this was what had happened to Dan and Pete, and that I wasn't coming back either.
All in all, it is a very good story. You have the right mix of mystery with a bit of comedy. If you continue the story, you should not, in my opinion, make it overly serious. A bit of humor does good and you are good at this. Except for some repetition and the split of some sentences, there is almost no grammatical or syntactical problem. However, never let your guard down. Always reread and edit your story, to avoid such mistakes. Another advise is that you should give some more information about the main character, like his appearance or his character or his relationship with his friends. A bit more information will make the story better. Keep up the good work.
  
						Last edited by christos200; 04-10-2014 at 03:26 PM.
					
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