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Old 03-09-2014, 10:46 AM View Post #1 (Link) I Wish I Was Dead in this Damn Basement!
Georgy (Offline)
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Look out, it's like a leprosy.
I mean my unlucky way of life. Reading this you might get infected.
If you have nothing to lose or have enough desperate courage to read this snotty story, come on, but I feel like I have an obligation to warn you, my light-minded reader, and prevent your disappointment.
I'm definitely ugly and ineffably a fat guy, therefore I have never been lucky with girls, but I put up with the circumstance, saying to myself: I don't care about girls, love, dates, and all that kind of things.
I led a quiet, monotonous, meticulous life, filled with reading books and writing shitty stories about things that I had never seen personally and of what I hadn't the slightest idea.
By and by I learned to despise girls.
Every time I felt unbearable blue and was longing for girls, eating usually helped me much.
It took ten minutes to destroy my comfort and habitual way of life, to smash the order in my soul and mind and turned me into stupid, crazy animal wooing a female.
I heard some guy murmur: don't tell us, show us.
Well, why not?

It was eight o clock A.M. when the bell in a lounge of our house rang in the way of onomatopoeia the nightingale.
I was eating surreptitiously in the kitchen, emptying a refrigerator in methodical way, and inasmuch as there was still great quantity of meal inside it, I was by no means glad to be so irrelevantly interrupted.
But the nightingale persevered in its false singing and it seemed nobody was eager to open the front door.
I slammed the door of the fridge and cursing my parents and my sister, Lily, for not responding the bell, made for the front door.
Having opened it, I found myself in front of a girl of about sixteen, clad in blue jeans and white blouse with the top button unbuttoned. Her face radiated freshness, energy and vitality; her long bright hair sparkled under the timid touching of the sun rays.
At the sight of my enormous body, habited in night gown, she stepped back and grew pale. There appeared a hint of worry in her blue, wide, open eyes. I was totally abashed as well and stood in the doorway like a monument of the extreme stupidity.
After a few seconds her eyes sparkled again, petals-lips parted in a smile, revealing glistening, slightly damp teeth.
"You George? My name is Anna. Is Lily at home?"
"Yep," I muttered. "She's still sleeping."
"Impossible, I talked to her half an hour ago. We are going to the sunday school."
"Very nice. Why didn't she open the door?" I grumbled.
"George, you blocked the whole doorway, damn hippopotamus." Lily's voice came from behind. "Let her come in."
" Oh, I'm sorry," I removed my body to the drawing room, peeped out from there and with deep interest watched Lily and Anna tenderly kissing each other.
What impressed me most of all was that Anna's hair flew up for a moment and when they it returned slowly on her shoulders I felt something entered my soul, my heart, my body, every cell of which got powerful impulse and was filled with some strange if not to say overwhelming weird energy.
"How long you've been waiting?" Lily asked.
"No more than ten minutes," Anna answered.
"I was taking a shower," Lily said. "Would you like a cup of tea?"
"Thanks, I've already had breakfast. And you?"
"I had it in the bath."
"Really," Anna burst out laughing. "That's nice."
Her playful glance slipped upon my frozen face and having met my burning eyes, bounced away.
She blushed slightly and went on talking in somewhat hurried way.

What did she see in my eyes? Did she feel something? Did she know that she was going to ruin my life? Of the three questions I've posed right now, this last one was the best. While these questions flashed in my head with abruptness of lightnings, Lily said to Anna "I'll be ready in five minutes." And went upstairs.
Anna seated herself on a sofa in the parlour.


I hurried to the kitchen, loaded a tray with enormous quantity of food and rushed to Anna.
" A little snack, please, " I babbled, feeling trembling in my knees and incredible excitement elsewhere.
She stared at the mountain of food on the tray, looked at me and laughed heartily.

At this point my sister, dressed in black jeans and a red jacket, entered the sitting room and declared "I'm ready!"
Anna fluttered off the couch, and both of them laughing and joking disappeared behind the front door.
I sat on the couch, still warm from the touch of the ass of Anna , and began to devour the food on the tray.
I'm not able to tell you what was happening in my soul after that blessed morning visit.
I ate all the food on a tray and I was sitting on the sofa lost in thought, remembering Anna's look, face, her movements and gestures.
Had I drank a bottle of wine, I wouldn't have been so woozy. I waited in the living room, hoping Lily would return with Anna. But...
Lily came alone.
I asked her, where was Anna, and she looking at me surprisingly, shrugged and said "She went home. Why?"
I blushed.
Lily looked at me point blank rather suspiciously and exclaimed, laughing "Oh, George, that's wonderful! You laid your eye on her? Ha, ha, ha. Forget about her! Do you know how many tough and cool guys are wooing her without any result?"
"What makes you think I care about her? I don't care."
"Okay, okay, George," she said with an ironic smile. "By the way, you know what she asked me on the way to the sunday school?" .
" What?" I sprang from the sofa in the high degree of excitement.
"She asked me: Is your brother imbecile?"
I sat down slowly on the sofa with tightly clenched fists and taste of vinegar in my mouth.
Lily, convinced that she had annihilated me totally, went to her room.

From that moment I fell into a state of desperate longing for Anna. Day after day from morning to evening, I thought about her.

I would go to bed with her image in my mind's eye. I could not sleep, I would rush down into the kitchen, and I violently devoured products there.
Lily was full of scornful and poisonous sarcasm. She began storing the meal in her own room. Our parents were horrified. Every day they brought a van full of products, but every morning the fridge was empty again.

" Where's Anna," I asked Lily two weeks after the Anna's celebrated visit.. "How she doing?"
"You needn't worry about her, George," Lily answered with lemon kind of smile. "She's fine, you may rest assured. But you didn't follow my advice, you seem to have a crush on her, and it's a mistake of yours."

She gazed at me with a snake kind of grin and triumph in her shrewd gray eyes.
What could I say to this? She told the truth.
I was crazy about Anna, and there was no use denying it.
" I wanna see her," I said decidedly.
"What for?" Lily's face expressed the highest degree of amusement.
" Just to see her...don't ask, just take it as it is."
"It's not me, but you'll have to take it as it is."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, have you seen her? Have you seen yourself in the mirror? Do you think you'll make a pair?" Lily's lips curved in contempt.
"I know that she is a resplendent princess while I'm fat funny freak, I know it damn well, but I can't help seeing her. I'm gonna die, if you don't help me!" I cried like crazy.
"Jesus Christ!" Lily sighed. "Well, I can arrange for you to meet her, provided that you forget about her afterwards.. Can you promise this?"
"Deal! I swear not to disturb her and you on that occasion anymore."
Lily took the phone and made a call.
"Hi, Anna, I'm going on fitness tomorrow night, will you join me? Yes, then music, guys, dancing. At six P.M. Kiss you! See you tomorrow."
Lily hung up and looked at me. "Did you hear? Here's the address."
Lily handed me a glossy card.
I rushed to kiss Lily, but she shied away with disgust and said, "Remember your promise!"

I won't bore the reader (if he hasn't yet run away from this mess, unto into which I'm trying to draw him) by description of how I didn't sleep all night and devoured the food from the fridge.
The next day I put on my racing suit made of white parachute silk, got into the truck and went to the blessed club.
The more I approached it, the faster my heart was pounding. I felt some sweet agonizing feeling in my spine, and my hands were sweating and became cold like frogs. I was greatly worried about this fact. I thought "If she wanted a handshake she'd feel this horrible, clammy skin of mine." And then I thought, in that case, I would kiss her hand.

The club was very long two-story building, decorated with glittering lights outside. At the entrance I saw Lily's car among many others.
I parked my truck a little way off and went inside the club. I passed by two guards and walked into the brightly lit hall where music was blaring and a bunch of girls and guys were dancing fitness under the command of a fitness instructor who was a woman with perfect body, clad in black tights.
I saw Anna at once. She was dressed in yellow tights and red shirt? Her hair were swaying and sparkling under the bright illumination. She was smiling. Everybody were was smiling.
On seeing me the instructor exclaimed "Join the crowd and dance!"
I obeyed. The girls made way and a moment later I was jumping vigorously among them.
I was near my sister who touched Anna's hand and nodded at me. Anna cast a sidelong glance at me and I forced a smile when our eyes met.

I was jumping very high because my spirit became fantastically high, when I felt the floor under my body was broken through and I fell down unto a deep dark hole. "Whoa, what happened?" I thought.
I heard the awful screaming above me: "Are you Okay?"
"I'm fine" I answered, touching a pile of damp cold packets packets? "Will you help me getting out of here?"
It was the last thing I said because I felt dizzy and I fainted.
I woke up in a hospital ward.
Next to me sat my sister and Anna.
As soon as I opened my eyes, they smiled and Lily spoke hastily, "George, are you okay? You hear me?"
I stared at Anna and mumbled "Am I dreaming?"
"No, George, it is absolutely real!"
"Oh God, I broke the floor in the club, there must be some consequences? Are they going to sue me or what?"
" Oh, George!" Lily exclaimed. "You don't remember really? Dude, you are a hero! Your photo is going to be on the front pages of newspapers., The tv news are buzzing about you! The article they wrote about you has over a million hits!."
"What are you talking about? Did you, girls, come here to make fun of me?"
"No," Anna said. "That place, where you fell, turned out to be a basement full of drugs.
The Rescue Service raised you up with a crane and call the police, and the cops found a ton of heroin there. The host of the club is Russian drug baron, who founded that club to disguise his actual business. He is arrested now. Congratulations, George!"
"It's not a joke?" I asked warily.
"Don't be fool, George," Lily interjected. "All this is true! Look!" Lily gave me smartphone and on its screen I saw the image of a huge carcass lying on a stretcher and the inscription under it "The ordinary citizen of America cracked down the godfather of mafia!"
"Our boyfriends want to shake your hand!" Lily said.
"What boyfriends?" I was worried.
"Mine and Anna's," Lily winked at me. "And remember your promise!"
"Oh, yeah," I sighed.
Two guys entered the ward and came up to my bed. We shook hands and they came out along with the girls.
I leaped from the bed, rushed to the door and peeped out.
Anna and her guy were kissing in the hall. They were so plunged in this sweet action and didn't even notice me.
I came up staggering to the bed and collapsed on it.

I sobbed in despair and shouted "I wish I was dead in that damn basement!
__________________
"And the internet has everything on it. It's a blessing and a curse."
InfinityMan
"The point of poetic prose, in my opinion, is to illuminate a truth, make us see something that's there, but hidden."
Dabs
"I believe we stand together to address the real issues facing this country, not allow them to divide us by race or where we come from. Let's create an America that works for all of us, not the handful on top." Senator B.Sanders
  
						Last edited by Georgy; 05-23-2014 at 03:14 AM.
					
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Old 03-09-2014, 03:21 PM View Post #2 (Link)
Libra (Offline)
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Location: India
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Honestly, at first I expected one of those crappy fairy tale like ending. So, thank you. But lots of parts in the story were kind of misleading or confusing between love and lust. All in all, this is the kind of realistic story I'd read.

Originally Posted by Georgy View Post
Look out, it's like a leprosy.
I mean my unlucky way of life. Reading this you might get infected.
If you have nothing to lose or have enough desperate courage to read this snotty story, come on, but I feel like I have an obligation to warn you, my light-minded reader, and prevent your disappointment.

You probably already know, but this is a great way to attract audience. It sort of implies a dare to read the story.

I'm definitely ugly and ineffably fat guy, therefore I never been lucky with girls, but I put up
with the circumstance, saying to myself: I don't care about girls, love, dates, and all that kind
of things.
I led a quiet, monotonous, meticulous life, filled with reading books and writing
shitty stories about things that I had never seen personally and of what I hadn't the foggiest idea.
By and by, I learned to despise girls and made a great progress in this direction.
Every time I felt unbearable blue and was longing for girls I used to eat, and it usually helped.

It took ten minutes to destroy my comfort and habitual way of life, to smash the order in my soul and mind and turned me into stupid, crazy animal wooing a female.

I think that last sentence could have been phrased better.

I heard some guy murmur: don't tell us, show us.
Well, why not?

It was eight o clock A.M. when the bell in a lounge of our house rang in the way of onomatopoeia the nightingale. I liked this sentence.

I was eating surreptitiously in the kitchen, emptying a refrigerator in a methodical way, and inasmuch as there was still great quantity of meal inside it, I was by no means glad to be so irrelevantly interrupted.
But nightingale persevered in its false singing and there seemed nobody was eager to open the front door.
I slammed the door of the fridge and cursing my parents and my sister, Lily, for not responding the bell, repaired to the front door.
Having opened it, I found myself in front of a girl of about sixteen, clad in blue jeans and white blouse with the top button unbuttoned. Her face radiated freshness, energy and vitality; her long bright hair sparkled under the timid touching of the sun rays.
At the sight of my enormous body, habited in night gown, she stepped back and grew pale. There appeared a tint of worry in her blue wide open eyes.
For the sake of justice it must be noted, that I was totally abashed as well and stood in the doorway without trying to clarify what was the goal of such an early visit.
After a few seconds her eyes sparkled again, petals-lips parted in a smile, revealing glistening slightly damp teeth.
"You George? My name is Anna. Is Lily at home?"
"Yep," I muttered. "She's still sleeping."
"Impossible, I talked to her half an hour ago. We are going to the sunday school."
"Very nice. Why didn't she open the door?" I grumbled.
"George, you blocked the whole doorway, damn hippopotamus." Lily's voice came from behind. "Let her come in."
" Oh, I'm sorry," I removed my body to the drawing room, peeped out from there and with deep interest watched Lily and Anna tenderly kissing each other.
What impressed me most of all was that Anna's hair flew up for a moment and when they returned slowly on her shoulders I felt something entered my soul, my heart, my body, every cell of which got powerful impulse and was filled with some strange if not to say overwhelming weird energy.
"How long you've been waiting?" Lily asked.
"No more that ten minutes," Anna answered.
"I was taking a shower," Lily said. "Would you like a cup of tea?"
"Thanks, I've already had breakfast. And you?"
"I had it in the bath."
"Really," Anna burst out laughing. "That's nice."
Her playful glance slipped upon my frozen face and (I suppose) burning eyes and bounced away.
She blushed slightly and went on talking in somewhat hurried way.

What did she see in my eyes? Did she feel something? Did she know that she was going to ruin my life? While this questions flashed in my head with abruptness of lightnings, Lily said to Anna "I'll be ready in five minutes." And went upstairs.
Anna had a seat on a sofa in the parlour.
I hurried to the kitchen, loaded a tray with enormous quantity of food and rushed to Anna.
" A little snack, please " I babbled, feeling trembling in my knees and incredible excitement elsewhere. This sentence was a bit confusing. Does the damn hippopotamus like the girl
She stared at the mountain of food on the tray, looked at me and laughed heartily.

At this point my sister, dressed in black jeans and a red jacket, entered the sitting room and declared "I'm ready!" This bit was sort of abrupt because we don't really see Lily leave or anything.
Anna fluttered off the couch, and both of them laughing and joking disappeared behind the front door.
I sat on the couch, still warm from the touch of the beautiful part of the body of Anna, and began to devour the food on the tray.

If in this part, I was able to show you(more or less successfully) what had happened, I'm not able to tell you what was happening in my soul after this morning occasion.
I ate all the food on a tray and was siting on the sofa lost in thought, remembering the look, face, lithe Anna's body, her movements and gestures.
Had I drank a bottle of wine, I wouldn't have been so woozy. I waited in the living room, hoping Lily would return with Anna. Vain. You might want to mention the main characters age (and name unless you don't intend to)
Lily came alone.
I asked her, where was Anna, and she looking at me surprisingly, shrugged and said "She went home. Why?"
I blushed.
Lily looked at me point blank rather suspiciously and exclaimed, laughing "Oh, George, that's wonderful! You laid your eye on her? Ha, ha, ha. Forget about her! Do you know how many tough and sparkling guys are wooing her without any result?"
"What makes you think I care about her? I don't care."
"Ok, Ok, George," she said with an ironic smile. "By the way, you know what she asked me on the way to the sunday school?"
" What?" I sprang on the sofa in the high degree of excitement.
"She asked me: Is your brother imbecile?"
I sat down slowly on the sofa with tightly clenched fists and taste of vinegar in my mouth.
Lily, convinced that she had annihilated me totally, went to her room.

From that moment I fell into a state of desperate longing for Anna. Day after day from morning to evening, I thought about her.

I would go to bed having her image in front of my mental eye. I could not sleep, I would rush down into the kitchen, and I violently destroyed products there.
Lily was full of scornful and poisonous sarcasm. She began storing the part of meal in her own room. Our parents were horrified. Every day they brought a van full of products, but every morning the fridge was empty again.

" Where's Anna," I asked Lily two weeks after the first Anna's celebrated visit. "How she doing?"
"You needn't worry about her, George," Lily answered with lemon kind of smile. "She's as fine as nobody else, you may rest assured. But you didn't follow my advice, you seem to have a crush on her, and it's a f....ng mistake of yours."

She gazed at me with a snake kind of grin and triumph in her shrewd gray eyes.
What could I say to this? She told the truth.
I was crazy about Anna, and there was no use denying it.
" I wanna see her," I said decidedly.
"What for?" Lily's face expressed the highest degree of amusement.
" Just to see her..." I rehearsed. "Don't ask, just take it as it is."
"It's not me, but you'll have to take it as it is."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, have you seen her? Have you seen yourself in the mirror? Do you think you'll make a pair?" Lily's lips curved in contempt. "Are you a man of valour to accept it without snot?"

"I know that she is resplendent princess while I'm fat funny freak, I know it damn well, but I can't help seeing her. I'm gonna die, if you don't help me!" I cried like crazy.

"Jesus Christ!" Lily sighed. "Well, I can promote you to meet her, provided that you forget about her forever. Can you promise this?"

"Deal! I swear not to disturb her and you on that occasion any more."

Lily took the phone and made a call.
"Hi, Anna, I'm going on fitness tomorrow night, will you join me? Yes, music, guys, dancing. At six P.M. Kiss you! See you tomorrow."
Lily hung up and looked at me. "Did you hear? Here's the address." Lily handed me a glossy card.
I rushed to kiss Lily, but she shied away with disgust and said, "Remember your promise!"

I won't bore the reader (if he hasn't yet run away from this mess, unto which I'm trying to draw him) by dint of description of how I didn't sleep all night and devoured the food from the fridge. I don't know about other readers, but I love it when the character talks to the audience.
The next day I put on my racing suit made of white parachute silk, got into the truck and went to the blessed club.
The more I approached it, the more fast my heart was pounding. I felt some sweet agonizing feeling in my spine, my hands were sweating and became cold like frogs. I was greatly worried about this fact because I thought that what if she decides to give me a hand for a friendly handshake. And then I thought, in that case, I would kiss her hand.

The club was no more than a two-story building and it was very long and was decorated with glittering lights outside.
At the entrance I saw Lily's car among many others.
I parked my truck a little way off and went inside the club. I passed by two guards, one of whom said to the other "Ни хрена себе толстяк!"
I walked into the brightly lit hall where music was blaring and a bunch of girls and guys were dancing fitness under the command of a fitness instructor, who was a woman with perfect body, clad in black tights.
I saw Anna at once. She was dressed in yellow tights and red upper part. Again, is this story about lust or love? It get really confusing at a lot of times through the story. Her hair were swaying and sparkling under the bright illumination. She was smiling. Everybody were smiling. I was single who wasn't.
On seeing me the instructor exclaimed "Join the crowd and dance!"

I obeyed. The girls made way and a moment later I was jumping vigorously among them.
I was near my sister who touched Anna's hand and nodded at me. Anna cast a sidelong glance at me and I forced a smile when our eyes met.

I was jumping very high because my spirit became fantastically high, when I felt the floor under my body was broken through and I fell down unto a deep dark hole. You might want to clear the sentence up a bit 'cause reading this, I thought it was just exaggeration at first but then I got confused.

I heard the awful screaming above me "Are you Okay?"
"I'm fine" I answered, touching a pile of damp cold packets. "Will you help me getting out of here?"
It was the last thing I said because I felt dizzy and I fainted.
I woke up in a hospital ward.
Next to me sat my sister and Anna.
As soon as I opened my eyes, they smiled and Lily spoke hastily, "George, are you okay? You hear me?"
I stared at Anna and mumbled "Am I dreaming?"
"No, George, it is absolutely real!"
"Oh God, I broke the floor in the club, there must be some consequences? Are they going to sue me or what?"
" Oh, George!" Lily exclaimed. "You don't remember really? Dude, you are a hero! Your photo is to be on the front pages of newspapers, tv news are buzzing about you, more than million users entered internet page where your exploit is depicted."
" Exploit?" I shouted. "What are you talking about? Did you, girls, come here to make fun of me?"
"No," Anna said. "That place, where you fell, turned out to be a basement full of drugs.
The Rescue Service raised you up with a crane and call the police, and the cops found a ton of heroin there. The host of the club is Russian drug baron, who founded that club to disguise his actual business. He is arrested now. Congratulations, George!"
"It's not a joke?" I asked warily.
"Don't be fool, George," Lily interjected. "All this is true! Look!" Lily gave me a planshet, and on its screen I saw the image of a huge carcass lying on a stretcher and the inscription under it "The ordinary citizen of America cracked down Russian mafia!"
"Our boyfriends want to shake your hand!" Lily said.
"What boyfriends?" I was worried.
"Mine and Anna's," Lily winked at me. "And remember your promise!"
"Oh, yeah," I sighed.
Two guys entered the ward and came up to my bed. We shook hands and they came out along with the girls.
I leaped from the bed, rushed to the door and peeped out.
Anna and her guy were kissing in the hall. They were so plunged in this sweet action and didn't even notice me.
I came up staggering to the bed and collapsed on it.

I sobbed in despair and shouted "I wish I was dead in that damn basement!"
Loved it. I am not sure if the story is supposed to be lust or love or whether the confusion it self is supposed to be a metaphor of how teenage life goes. But I really liked it. Specially the last few lines, "I leaped from the bed, rushed to the door and peeped out.
Anna and her guy were kissing in the hall. They were so plunged in this sweet action and didn't even notice me." Maybe it's just because I have been in that kind of position, but those lines pretty much made me fall head over heels for this story.
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If life is a dream, I want it to be a happy one.

Also: Tits rule. :|
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Old 03-10-2014, 08:19 PM View Post #3 (Link)
Dabs (Offline)
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I haven't critted you in ages, and this title was so attractive I couldn't say no.

Originally Posted by Georgy View Post
Look out, it's like a leprosy.
I mean my unlucky way of life. Reading this you might get infected.
If you have nothing to lose or have enough desperate courage to read this snotty story, come on, but I feel like I have an obligation to warn you, my light-minded reader, and prevent your disappointment.

This is a great opening. Ballsy, filled with voice, to the point, emotional. My only issue is that I think the last sentence drags a bit. It loses some power that way.

I'm definitely ugly and ineffably a fat guy, therefore I have never been lucky with girls, I think this comma should be a period. This is a lovely declarative statement--simple and powerful. Exploit some of that simplicity; it will definitely be friendly with cynicism. but I say to myself put up
with the circumstance, saying to mysel
f: I don't care about girls, love, dates, and all that kind
of things
.
I led a quiet, monotonous, meticulous life, filled with reading books and writing
shitty stories about things that I had never seen personally and of what I hadn't the foggiest idea I bolded this because I don't quite get what you're trying to say here.
By and by, I learned to despise girls and made a great progress in this direction Your meaning is a little muddled here. The sentence sounds nice, but I don't really understand this "direction" you're referring to. Is this character growing more and more hateful towards women? If so, it seems you're being redundant, since that's what the first half of the sentence is about..
Every time I felt unbearable blue and was longing for girls I used to eat, and it usually helped. What is "it"? What is "it" helping? When you say eat, do you mean literally consume, like cannibalism, something metaphorical, or are you referring to cunnilingus?

It took ten minutes to destroy my comfort and habitual way of life, to smash the order in my soul and mind and turned me into stupid, crazy animal wooing a female. You really need to ground these statements in something more concrete. I really can't discern what's happening. That said, I love the vigor in this piece, the self-loathing. It's totally channeling Dostoevsky.

I heared heard some guy murmur: don't tell us, show us I am in love with this line..
Well, why not?

It was eight o clock A.M. when the bell in a lounge of our house rang in the way of onomatopoeia the nightingale. I get what's happening, but it's being convoluted by the odd syntax and the weird simile.
I was eating surreptitiously in the kitchen, emptying a refrigerator in methodical way, and inasmuch as there was still great quantity of meal inside it, I was by no means glad to be so irrelevantly interrupted. This sentence needs to be cleaned up. Where it starts and where it ends don't connect. I don't understand the correlation between methodically emptying a fridge and still having a lot of stuff left in it. Wouldn't emptying it imply, well, a lack of things? Further, methodically is not a word relating to the amount of content in the fridge, but rather how the fridge is being emptied, implying, perhaps, that the character is removing one item at a time, or a particular kind of items before moving onto the next.
But the nightingale persevered in its false singing and there it seemed nobody was eager to open the front door.
I slammed the door of the fridge and cursing my parents and my sister, Lily, for not responding the bell, repaired that is not what the word "repaired" means. Repaired means to fix something that is broken. to the front door.
Having opened it, I found myself in front of a girl of about sixteen, clad in blue jeans and white blouse with the top button unbuttoned. Her face radiated freshness, energy and vitality; her long bright hair sparkled under the timid touching of the sun rays. This was such a nice paragraph. Simple, powerful detail compared to the convoluted sentences you had going before. It says infinitely more about the character and the scene.
At the sight of my enormous body, habited in night gown, she stepped back and grew pale yes, good! Good word choice, nice use of cause and effect.. There appeared a tint of worry in her blue, wide, open eyes. A "tint" of worry, while poetic sounding, doesn't really make sense. A "hint" might work better, or some other description.
For the sake of justice it must be noted, that I was totally abashed as well and stood in the doorway without trying to clarify what was the goal of such an early visit. I don't think this actually needs to be noted at all. Rather, it should be shown with the lovely detail you were employing before.
After a few seconds her eyes sparkled again, petals-lips parted in a smile, revealing glistening, slightly damp teeth.
"You George? My name is Anna. Is Lily at home?"
"Yep," I muttered. "She's still sleeping."
"Impossible, I talked to her half an hour ago. We are going to the sunday school."
"Very nice. Why didn't she open the door?" I grumbled.
"George, you blocked the whole doorway, damn hippopotamus." Lily's voice came from behind. "Let her come in."
" Oh, I'm sorry," I removed my body to the drawing room, peeped out from there and with deep interest watched Lily and Anna tenderly kissing each other. I know you're from Russia, so I'm aware that this action may have a totally different context for you, but to me this reads as "lesbian." Naturally, people from different parts of the world have different contexts with which they view an action/literature/art/whatever, so, if these characters are not, in fact, homosexual, then you're not obliged to change anything. This is just my Northeastern American Interpretation.
What impressed me most of all was that Anna's hair flew up for a moment and when they it returned slowly on her shoulders I felt something entered my soul, my heart, my body, every cell of which got powerful impulse and was filled with some strange if not to say overwhelming weird energy I think you can cut this sentence down a bit. Rather, split it into two different sentences to keep the ideas focused..
"How long you've been waiting?" Lily asked.
"No more that ten minutes," Anna answered ten minutes? She just started ringing the bell what, a minute ago?.
"I was taking a shower," Lily said I thought she was asleep?. "Would you like a cup of tea?"
"Thanks, I've already had breakfast. And you?"
"I had it in the bath."
"Really," Anna burst out laughing. "That's nice." This dialog is feeling kind of inconsequential. I can see George is interested in Anna. If you want this loose, conversational dialog, maybe imbue a sense of consequence by having George react to it?
Her playful glance slipped upon my frozen face and (I suppose) burning eyes and bounced away.
She blushed slightly and went on talking in somewhat hurried way. The clarity in this sentence isn't so bad, but even still I think you might benefit from slowing down a bit and giving is a pinch more detail.

What did she see in my eyes? Did she feel something? Did she know that she was going to ruin my life? of the three questions you've posed right now, this last one is easily the best. While this thesequestions flashed in my head with abruptness of lightnings, Lily said to Anna "I'll be ready in five minutes." And went upstairs.
Anna had a seat on a sofa in the parlour.

I think you need to brush up on English a bit. I'm noticing a lot of confusion with singular and plural nouns and their respective verbs, adjectives, etc.

I hurried to the kitchen, loaded a tray with enormous quantity of food and rushed to Anna.
" A little snack, please, " I babbled, feeling trembling in my knees and incredible excitement elsewhere.
She stared at the mountain of food on the tray, looked at me and laughed heartily.

At this point my sister, dressed in black jeans and a red jacket, entered the sitting room and declared "I'm ready!"
Anna fluttered off the couch, and both of them laughing and joking disappeared behind the front door.
I sat on the couch, still warm from the touch of the beautiful part of the body of Anna you gotta cut back on you use of "of.", and began to devour the food on the tray.

If in this part, I was able to show you (more or less successfully) what had happened, I'm not able to tell you what was happening in my soul after this morning occasion. I'm having trouble getting what you're trying to say here
I ate all the food on a tray and was sitting on the sofa lost in thought, remembering the look, face, lithe this adjective doesn't make sense in terms of placement. It's not describing anything Anna's body, her movements and gestures.
Had I drank a bottle of wine, I wouldn't have been so woozy. I waited in the living room, hoping Lily would return with Anna. Vain eh, this doesn't really make sense. I get what you're saying, but you may want to have it say, "In vain." instead..
Lily came alone.
I asked her, where was Anna, and she looking at me surprisingly, shrugged and said "She went home. Why?"
I blushed.
Lily looked at me point blank rather suspiciously and exclaimed, laughing "Oh, George, that's wonderful! You laid your eye on her? Ha, ha, ha. Forget about her! Do you know how many tough and sparkling sparkling? That's an odd description guys are wooing her without any result?"
"What makes you think I care about her? I don't care."
"Ok, Ok, George," she said with an ironic smile. "By the way, you know what she asked me on the way to the sunday school?" Hm, okay, I was wondering how much time had passed since the first encounter and now. It really doesn't feel like it's been all that long. Maybe give some kind of indication for the passage of time (I'm a fan of space breaks, obviously).
" What?" I sprang on the sofa do you mean "sprang from the sofa"?in the high degree of excitement.
"She asked me: Is your brother imbecile?"
I sat down slowly on the sofa with tightly clenched fists and taste of vinegar in my mouth.
Lily, convinced that she had annihilated me totally, went to her room.

From that moment I fell into a state of desperate longing for Anna. Day after day from morning to evening, I thought about her.

I would go to bed having her image in front of my mental eye this feels like you're trying to reproduce a sort-of-common English phrase. I think what you mean to say is: "I would go to bed with her image in my mind's eye.". I could not sleep, I would rush down into the kitchen, and I violently destroyed products there by that do you mean George ate a lot, or did he literally destroy things?.
Lily was full of scornful and poisonous sarcasm. She began storing the part of meal maybe this is a cultural thing, but what do you mean by part of the meal? Is there like a pre-made meal in the fridge that she's taking, or do you mean to say that she's taking a notable portion of the fridge's contents and hiding them in her room? in her own room. Our parents were horrified. Every day they brought a van full of products, but every morning the fridge was empty again. God damn!

" Where's Anna," I asked Lily two weeks after the first Anna's celebrated visit the way you wrote this implies that there are two Annas. it should read "...after Anna's first celebrated visit." (I might cut the world "celebrated" since it's not really doing much).. "How she doing?"
"You needn't worry about her, George," Lily answered with lemon kind of smile what is a "lemon kind of smile"?. "She's as fine as nobody else this makes it sound like she's not so fine, you may rest assured. But you didn't follow my advice, comma should be a period you seem to have a crush on her, and it's a f....ng the placement of the word "fucking" doesn't sound right. It probably doesn't even need to be there at all. It makes her sound much angrier than she really seems to be. mistake of yours."

She gazed at me with a snake kind of grin and triumph in her shrewd gray eyes I feel like we've seen an image similar to this already. Try varying her reactions up..
What could I say to this? She told the truth.
I was crazy about Anna, and there was no use denying it.
" I wanna see her," I said decidedly.
"What for?" Lily's face expressed the highest degree of amusement.
" Just to see her..." I rehearsed "Rehearsed" doesn't make sense at all in this context.. "Don't ask, just take it as it is."
"It's not me, but you'll have to take it as it is."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, have you seen her? Have you seen yourself in the mirror? Do you think you'll make a pair?" Lily's lips curved in contempt. "Are you a man of valour to accept it without snot I'm confused as to what this sentence means?"

"I know that she is a resplendent princess while I'm fat funny freak, I know it damn well, but I can't help seeing her. I'm gonna die, if you don't help me!" I cried like crazy. I'm wondering if you meant this as a dialog tag or if you mean to say he is actually bawling.

"Jesus Christ!" Lily sighed. "Well, I can promote promote is not the right word. I think this should say, "Well, I can arrange for you to meet her..." you to meet her, provided that you forget about her forever this doesn't make sense. If he's going to meet her, how is it he can also forget about her? You mean to say that George has to forget about her afterwards.. Can you promise this?"

"Deal! I swear not to disturb her and you on that occasion anymore."

Lily took the phone and made a call.
"Hi, Anna, I'm going on fitness by "on fitness" you mean she's going to exercise, or go to the gym, or maybe go for a run or something? tomorrow night, will you join me? Yes, music, guys, dancing whoa, now I'm really confused. Is she going to exercise or is she going to a club?. At six P.M. Kiss you! See you tomorrow."
Lily hung up and looked at me. "Did you hear? Here's the address." Lily handed me a glossy card.
I rushed to kiss Lily, but she shied away with disgust and said, "Remember your promise!"

I won't bore the reader (if he hasn't yet run away from this mess, unto into which I'm trying to draw him) by dint of description of how I didn't sleep all night and devoured the food from the fridge.
The next day I put on my racing suit made of white parachute silk, got into the truck and went to the blessed club.
The more I approached it, the more fast faster my heart was pounding. I felt some sweet agonizing feeling in my spine, and my hands were sweating and became cold like frogs cool description. I was greatly worried about this fact because I thought that what if she decides to give me a hand for a friendly handshake the syntax here is off. Let's reorganize this sentence: "If she wanted a handshake she'd feel this horrible, clammy skin of mine." Obviously you don't need to, and shouldn't, just supplant what you wrote with what I did, but just take note of how the same point gets across in a simpler way. And then I thought, in that case, I would kiss her hand I like this solution. It feels very fitting to the character and overcomes what I think is a genuine obstacle..

The club was no more than a two-story building and it was very long and was decorated with glittering lights outside. Don't rely on "was" so much. It can clog up your sentences and make them harder to read.
At the entrance I saw Lily's car among many others.
I parked my truck a little way off and went inside the club. I passed by two guards, one of whom said to the other "Ни хрена себе толстяк!" You're lucky that google translate exists or I would so get on your case about this. That said, it's really weird that you'd just randomly insert Russian into the dialog.
I walked into the brightly lit hall where music was blaring and a bunch of girls and guys were dancing fitness under the command of a fitness instructor I am still so confused about this fitness thing! Are they in a club and partying or are they at a gym and exercising?, who was a woman with perfect body, clad in black tights.
I saw Anna at once. She was dressed in yellow tights and red upper part you mean a red shirt?. Her hair were swaying and sparkling under the bright illumination. She was smiling. Everybody were was smiling. I was single who wasn't I can't make out what you're trying to say here.
On seeing me the instructor exclaimed "Join the crowd and dance!"

I obeyed I don't know if you meant to be funny here, but this is hysterical.. The girls made way and a moment later I was jumping vigorously among them.
I was near my sister who touched Anna's hand and nodded at me. Anna cast a sidelong glance at me and I forced a smile when our eyes met.

I was jumping very high because my spirit became fantastically high, when I felt the floor under my body was broken through and I fell down unto a deep dark hole. Whoa, what just happened? I like the first part of the sentence, about jumping high. That was funny. But after that everything happened too fast in too small a space.

I heard the awful screaming above me: "Are you Okay?"
"I'm fine" I answered, touching a pile of damp cold packets packets? Packets of what?. "Will you help me getting out of here?"
It was the last thing I said because I felt dizzy and I fainted. Don't just explain things! Immerse us in the scene!
I woke up in a hospital ward.
Next to me sat my sister and Anna.
As soon as I opened my eyes, they smiled and Lily spoke hastily, "George, are you okay? You hear me?"
I stared at Anna and mumbled "Am I dreaming?"
"No, George, it is absolutely real!"
"Oh God, I broke the floor in the club, there must be some consequences? Are they going to sue me or what?" The English here is a bit iffy. Not bad, but iffy. That said, I imagine George being delirious at the moment, so I actually kind of like the weirdness of his speech.
" Oh, George!" Lily exclaimed. "You don't remember really? Dude, you are a hero! Your photo is going to be on the front pages of newspapers., The tv news are buzzing about you!, more than million users entered internet page where your exploit is depicted The article they wrote about you has over a million hits!."
" Exploit?" I shouted the way he's saying this gives the impression that he's repeating what someone just said.. "What are you talking about? Did you, girls, come here to make fun of me?"
"No," Anna said. "That place, where you fell, turned out to be a basement full of drugs Oh my god this story just got ten times better.
The Rescue Service raised you up with a crane and call the police, and the cops found a ton of heroin there. The host of the club is Russian drug baron, who founded that club to disguise his actual business. He is arrested now. Congratulations, George!"
"It's not a joke?" I asked warily.
"Don't be fool, George," Lily interjected. "All this is true! Look!" Lily gave me a planshet I had to look up what a planshet was. It seems to be a tablet, or a kind of tablet. I don't think this word is familiar to English speakers, so you may want to consider substituting it with something else., and on its screen I saw the image of a huge carcass lying on a stretcher and the inscription under it "The ordinary citizen of America whoa, hold on. Your character is American? Why? cracked down Russian mafia!"
"Our boyfriends want to shake your hand!" Lily said.
"What boyfriends?" I was worried.
"Mine and Anna's," Lily winked at me. "And remember your promise!"
"Oh, yeah," I sighed.
Two guys entered the ward and came up to my bed. We shook hands and they came out along with the girls.
I leaped from the bed, rushed to the door and peeped out.
Anna and her guy were kissing in the hall. They were so plunged in this sweet action and didn't even notice me.
I came up staggering to the bed and collapsed on it.

I sobbed in despair and shouted "I wish I was dead in that damn basement!"

Okay, here's the thing:

Your biggest hinderance, as far as I'm concerned, is the fact that English is not your first language. If you spoke it/wrote it better, became more familiar with it, you would be the fucking man. You would probably be one of the better writers on this site, hands down, without question. Your grasp on absurd humor is great, and nicely peppered with a self-loathing, contradictory character straight from Dostoevsky. I loved this story as a whole. When you break it down a little bit, there are definitely some weak parts that need fixing. But, like I said, getting a firmer grasp on the English language would solve almost ALL of these problems.

When it comes down to it, in terms of plot and character, I don't see many, if any flaws. They have clear motivations and personalities, though I think they can be a little over the top at some points (I remember you having a bit of a habit with that, and while I don't mind very distilled characters, yours sometimes veer towards being cartoony).

So, yeah, you basically have this story down to a T. You just need to strengthen your English to help clarify some points, ideas, and actions, and of course work out your syntax.
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