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Old 02-21-2014, 11:34 PM View Post #1 (Link) Sight Set, Mind Set
Blue_Beauty (Offline)
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I was just messing around and decided to write a little story based on a song... This is based off of
Who's That Boy by Demi Lovato. I would like some opinions on it and how I could possibly improve it.

Hope you enjoy it

It was around 9 pm on a Friday night, and like every Friday Night, I was being a care free teenager. My hangout spot was of course the exhilarating teen club Pulse. I was sitting in one of the booths, sucking strawberry lemonade through a straw, while listening to the music being blasted throughout the club. So far they'd played all my favorite songs, and Id just finished my first round of dancing. I leaned back, my right hand resting on the glass, as I scanned the club. It was so energetic and stimulating, filled with guys and girls dancing and mingling. As I went for another slurp of my drink, I suddenly spotted the most amazing looking guy I'd ever seen. He was sitting at a table doing the same as me, sipping a drink and enjoying the music.



He was a brunette with ear-length hair, and though it was slightly messy, it still looked perfect. He had on a grey and white plaid shirt with jeans, and I couldn't get over the fact that his body looked so perfect. My eyes travelled to his lips, and I bit down on the straw between my teeth. They were full and pink, and I wanted nothing more than to feel them against mine. My view was suddenly obstructed, interrupting the direction my thoughts were happily taking. I released the straw, realizing that I probably looked stupid sitting here with it frozen in my mouth.



"What's someone as beautiful as you doing sitting all alone?"



Though the guy standing in front of me was cute, with his dirty blond hair and green eyes, I felt a tinge of annoyance because it wasn't him that I wanted to be talking to; I forced a smile anyway.



"I'm just enjoying the music, taking a little break from dancing."



"You mind if I take a break with you?" He asked.



He rested his hand on the table, leaning forward slightly, and keeping eye contact with me.



"Actually, I think my break is just about done" I said, taking a slow sip through my straw before standing up.



I caught a glance of mystery brunette guy before green eyes blocked my view again. He smiled at me and continued to keep eye contact. I could tell this guy had some serious confidence.

"So what's your name?"



"Ariana" I responded.



"I'm Landon, and since you're almost done with your break, does that mean you'll dance with me then?" He asked, taking my hand and pulling slightly. "Come on, it'll be fun. I promise."



My all time favorite song was playing, and I really did want to dance, just not with him. I took a deep breath.



"Sure, but only one song" I said, keeping hold of his hand and leading the way to the dance floor.



The song was upbeat and had a really nice tempo. I could feel the music coursing through my body as I went along with the beat, dancing with Landon. I'd purposely chosen a spot close to the brunette, hoping he'd notice me. I caught his eye a few times, but pretended not to notice, his smile egging me on. He had an amazing smile, and every time I caught a glimpse of his perfectly tanned face, I'd feel my breath hitch in my throat slightly and a warmth travel through my body. I loved the rush of excitement I felt, as I tried to keep his attention, while dancing with Landon. I ran my hand through my auburn brown hair, lightly flipping it, and purposely making eye contact with the brunette cutie. He leaned back in his seat and smiled, and I gently bit down on my lower lip. The song ended then, and the next song began. Unexpectedly, and without warning, a tall and curvy blonde girl with deep blue eyes walked up to my brunette and I began to falter. He'd taken his eyes off of me and was now focused on the pretty blonde. All at once, I stopped dancing, slumped my shoulders, and let out a deep heavy sigh. The excitement was gone, but I definitely still had the attraction.



"Thanks Landon" I said, halfheartedly.



He'd stopped dancing too, and was now looking into my eyes. I looked into his bright green ones, and couldn't help but wonder why I couldn't just be attracted to him. I mean he was attractive, and I doubt any girl could ever turn down a face like his, but my mind was set on a guy that I could probably never have.



"Was I that bad a dancer because it seemed like you were having a good time?" He asked, running his hand through his hair and grinning slightly.



It made me smile, but it wasn't enough to take away the feeling of embarrassment and rejection.



"You're a great dancer; Im just not really in the mood anymore."



"Um, Okay." He said.



His grin faltered, and he glanced down before looking me in the eyes again. He slid his hands into his pocket, and shifted his body weight from side to side, turning his body slightly. I could tell he was trying to find words to say, and I knew that he was probably feeling the same hurt I was; he felt rejected. I turned my head looking to the side, then down at the floor.



"I'm sorry" I said, quickly glancing at his face, and then walking away.



I let out another deep sigh, and headed to get strawberry lemonade. I felt stupid, and I kept wishing that I had never seen that brunette. I'd just completely ruined my night with a stupid attraction that didn't even make sense to me anymore. I closed my eyes, taking a short breather before ordering my strawberry lemonade. I took it in through a straw, purposely giving myself a brain freeze, thinking 'Maybe this will clear my head.' I quickly set my glass down at the nearest table, and then put both of my hands against my forehead until the brain freeze went away.



"You okay?" I heard a deep husky voice ask from behind me.



I turned around, and felt my eyes open wider for a second then go back to normal; I took a big gulp.



"Yeah, I'm fine" I responded.



I felt a smile form on my face, as I looked into big warm brown eyes. It was my brunette, my first sight attraction. I felt my stomach begin to flutter, and I let out a half giggle, as he smiled too.



"Um, I'm Ariana." I said, with a hint of nervousness in my voice, my smile becoming awkward.

I brushed my hand through my hair, hoping that I looked decent enough for him to find me attractive. I looked down at my floral halter top and skinny jeans, making sure that they looked okay.



"I'm Bryan" he said, running a hand through his hair, continuing to smile at me.



I dropped my smile for a second, starting to think about that pretty blonde girl. I glanced down then up into his eyes. I saw that his smile had faltered a little.



"What's wrong?" He asked, taking a step forward, closer to me.



My breath hitched in my throat, and my stomach began to flutter even more, making me feel as if Id puke butterflies. My mind went completely blank, and all I could focus on was his pink full lips. He bit down on his lower lip, making me melt in my skin, making me want him even more. I leaned into him, and he pressed his lips against mine. It was gentle at first, then he pressed his lips harder against mine, pulling me in closer. He slowly pulled his lips away, keeping his eyes closed for a few seconds. I watched as he opened them, and the biggest smile Id ever seen formed on his face. I knew that I was smiling like an idiot too. I took a step back, and he released my waist.



"Dance with me." He said, staring deep into my eyes.



"What about that blonde girl?" I asked, feeling slightly glum now, though the blissful feeling was still there too.



He laughed then, his eyes growing even warmer; he nodded his head to the left, and I followed the direction with my eyes. There was the blonde girl, wrapped in the arms of a tall blonde boy.



"The guy, he's my friend, and that's his girlfriend."



"Ohh" I said, letting out a half giggle and grinning at him. "I feel stupid."



"Don't" He responded, taking my hand and pulling me a little closer. "Just dance with me. Please."



I took in a deep breath and released it feeling elated.



"Okay"



He took the lead and we danced the night away
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Old 03-06-2014, 12:34 PM View Post #2 (Link)
AdrenalinJunkie (Offline)
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If I've highlighted a comma in red, that means I think you should get rid of it, if it's in green I've added it.
Originally Posted by Blue_Beauty View Post
Hope you enjoy it
Thanks, I did.

It was around 9 pm on a Friday night, and like every Friday Night, I was being a care free teenager. I can't put my finger on it, but I'm not sure people really think of themselves as carefree teenagers. I mean, isn't the point of being carefree not thinking about it? I would ditch that and just say hanging out. Also, I kinda want some explanation about what the story's about here. You've just randomly launched into a memory without telling me why, which is weird. My hangout spot was of course the exhilarating teen club, Pulse. Too many adjectives, buddy. Show us it's exhilirating cos from glancing at this it just seems fun.I was sitting in one of the booths, sucking strawberry lemonade through a straw, while listening to the music being blasted throughout the club. I kinda want a bit more of her feelings here. It seems to me like she's just following a typical teen stereotype with no emotion until she meets the guy and suddenly grows emotions. It's weird. So far they'd played all my favorite songs, and Id just finished my first round of dancing. I leaned back, my right hand resting on the glass, as I scanned the club. It was so energetic and stimulating, filled with guys and girls dancing and mingling.I don't really see the point of this sentence. It's a club. We get it. I think you may be using too many adjectives.

As I went for another slurp of my drink, I suddenly spotted the most amazing looking guy I'd ever seen. He was sitting at a table doing the same as me, sipping a drink and enjoying the music. Boring. Come on, we don't want real life, we want the beautified version. He's a hunk, he has to act like one.



He was a brunette with ear-length hair, and though it was slightly messy, it still looked perfect. If she's saying though, it means she's seen something and gone oh...meh. She can live with it, but we know he's not perfect. Get me? Ok, when I was reading this, I started to get the impression that we were talking about little lego dolls doing stuff, mostly because you refer to everyone by their hair colour. Can't you do what Alex Rider did, back in the day, and call them all spectacles and watch face and so on? It might make it a bit more interesting. He had on a grey and white plaid shirt with jeans, and I couldn't get over the fact that his body looked so perfect. That's twice in one paragraph you've used perfect. I know the character's a bit distracted to be thinking about grammar, but you're not. Also, body seems kinda the wrong word. She can't see his body, he's wearing clothes. My eyes travelled to his lips, and I bit down on the straw between my teeth. They were full and pink, and I wanted nothing more than to feel them against mine.I think quite often you suddenly change the subject in the middle of the paragraph when at this point it should probably be split because you're changing the subject from the guy to the distraction.

My view was suddenly You've already used suddenly. obstructed, interrupting the direction of my thoughts were happily taking. I released the straw, realizing that I probably looked stupid sitting here with it frozen in my mouth. Yup.



"What's someone as beautiful as you doing sitting all alone?"



Though the guy standing in front of me was cute, with his dirty blond hair and green eyes, I felt a tinge of annoyance because it wasn't him that I wanted to be talking to; I forced a smile anyway.



"I'm just enjoying the music, taking a little break from dancing."



"You mind if I take a break with you?" He asked.



He rested his hand on the table, leaning forward slightly, and keeping eye contact with me. This might just be me but I don't really like it when people use two ing words in the same sentence. Maybe kept?



"Actually, I think my break is just about done" I said, taking a slow sip through my straw before standing up. I'm sorry but we have heard way too much about your straw by this point.



I caught a glance of mystery brunette guy before green eyes blocked my view again. He smiled at me and continued to keep eye contact. I could tell this guy had some serious confidence. Stating the obvious.

"So what's your name?" he asked.- You need this here cos it's not really obvious and we don't want to have to skip down to check.



"Ariana" I responded.



"I'm Landon, and since you're almost done with your break, does that mean you'll dance with me then?" He asked, taking my hand and pulling slightly. "Come on, it'll be fun. I promise."



My all time favorite song was playing, and I really did want to dance, just not with him. I took a deep breath.



"Sure, but only one song" I said, keeping hold of his hand and leading the way to the dance floor.



The song was upbeat and had a really nice tempo. I could feel the music coursing through my body as I went along with the beat, dancing with Landon. I'd purposely chosen a spot close to the brunette, hoping he'd notice me. I caught his eye a few times, but pretended not to notice, his smile egging me on. He had an amazing smile, and every time I caught a glimpse of his perfectly tanned face again with the perfects! He's not a hot wizard, he's only a normal guy., I'd feel my breath hitch in my throat slightly and a warmth travel through my body. I loved the rush of excitement I felt, as I tried to keep his attention, while dancing with Landon. I ran my hand through my auburn brown hair, lightly flipping it, and purposely making eye contact with the brunette cutie.Apart from the hair, which isn't really relevant cos we can't see her, this is a repeat of the whole paragraph. He leaned back in his seat and smiled, and I gently bit down on my lower lip. The song ended then, and the next song began. Unexpectedly, and without warning, a tall and curvy blonde girl with deep blue eyes walked up to my brunette and I began to falter. He'd taken his eyes off of me and was now focused on the pretty blonde. All at once, I stopped dancing, slumped my shoulders, and let out a deep heavy sigh. The excitement was gone, but I definitely still had the attraction.



"Thanks Landon" I said, halfheartedly. You haven't talked about Landon at all, so you're going to have to have some reintroductory paragraoh like, Slowly, I became aware of Landon standing there, waiting patiently for me to look at him. Or something.



He'd stopped dancing too, and was now looking into my eyes. I looked into his bright green ones, and couldn't help but wonder why I couldn't just be attracted to him. I mean he was attractive, and I doubt any girl could ever turn down a face like his, You're doing so right now! but my mind was set on a guy that I could probably never have. There are too many maybe words in this paragraph- "probably", "'i mean", "doubt". It's really bogging the reader down.



"Was I that bad a dancer because it seemed like you were having a good time?"This dialogue is too long, you may want to chop it in half and have he asked in the middle. He asked, running his hand through his hair and grinning slightly.



It made me smile, but it wasn't enough to take away the feeling of embarrassment and rejection.



"You're a great dancer; Im just not really in the mood anymore." This needs a qualifier- is she saying it because she feels sorry for him, or is it true, or what? Also, I think it's phrased really oddly. As a general rule, don't use semicolons in speech.



"Um, Okay." He said.



His grin faltered, and he glanced down before looking me in the eyes again. He slid his hands into his pocket, and shifted his body weight from side to side, turning his body slightly. I could tell he was trying to find words to say, and I knew that he was probably feeling the same hurt I was; he felt rejected. I turned my head looking to the side, then down at the floor. Great paragraph.



"I'm sorry" I said, quickly glancing at his face, and then walked away.



I let out another deep sigh, and headed to get strawberry lemonade. I felt stupid, and I kept wisheding that I had never seen that brunette. I'd just completely ruined my night with a stupid attraction that didn't even make sense to me anymore. I closed my eyes, taking a short breather before ordering my strawberry lemonade. I took it in through a straw, purposely giving myself a brain freeze, to see if it would clear my headthinking 'Maybe this will clear my head.' I quickly set my glass down at the nearest table, and then put both of my hands against my forehead until the brain freeze went away. Ok, firstly I am sorry for rehashing your sentence, but thoughts are best avoided at all costs. Secondly the next sentence is boring and not useful. Scrap it.



"You okay?" I heard a deep husky voice ask from behind me.



I turned around, and felt my eyes open wider for a second then go back to normal; I took a big gulp of my drink



"Yeah I'm fine."



I felt a smile form on my face, as I looked into big warm brown eyes. It was my brunette, my first sight attraction. I felt my stomach begin to flutter, and I let out a half giggle, as he smiled too.



"Um, I'm Ariana." I said, with a hint of nervousness in my voice, my smile becoming awkward.

I brushed my hand through my hair, hoping that I looked decent enough for him to find me attractive. I looked down at my floral halter top and skinny jeans, making sure that they looked okay.



"I'm Bryan" he said, running a hand through his hair, continuing to smile at me.



I dropped my smile for a second, starting to think about that pretty blonde girl. I glanced down then up into his eyes. I saw that his smile had faltered a little.



"What's wrong?" He asked, taking a step forward, closer to me.



My breath hitched in my throat, and my stomach began to flutter even more, making me feel as if Id puke butterflies. Love it. What a great saying. My mind went completely blank, and all I could focus on was his pink full lips. He bit down on his lower lip, making me melt in my skin, making me want him even more. I leaned into him, and he pressed his lips against mine. It was gentle at first, then he pressed his lips harder against mine, pulling me in closer. He slowly pulled his lips away, keeping his eyes closed for a few seconds. I watched as he opened them, and the biggest smile Id ever seen formed on his face. I knew that I was smiling like an idiot too. I took a step back, and he released my waist.



"Dance with me." He said, staring deep into my eyes.



"What about that blonde girl?" I asked, feeling slightly glum now, though the blissful feeling was still there too.



He laughed then, his eyes growing even warmer; he nodded his head to the left, and I followed the direction with my eyes. There was the blonde girl, wrapped in the arms of a tall blonde boy. See what I mean now about the hair? It just get's confusing. Also we don't need to know the guy's hair colour.



"The guy, he's my friend, and that's his girlfriend."



"Ohh" I said, letting out a half giggle and grinning at him. "I feel stupid."



"Don't" He responded, taking my hand and pulling me a little closer. "Just dance with me. Please."



I took in a deep breath and released it feeling elated.



"Okay"



He took the lead and we danced the night away.
Right, so this got a lot better towards the end, as you'll see from the lack of critique. Your main problem is that you have loads of useless information that we don't need to know. Like, we only need to here the word strawberry lemonade or straw once, thank you. Also, we don't need to know the character's every action. Only the ones that are related to the story. I also think you could work on your dialogue because your characters aren't saying very interesting things, it's a bit boring. Also I would ditch the semicolons. This is a teenager writing. She's not going to care about trying to use sophisticated punctuation. Overall though this is a good piece.
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