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Old 02-11-2014, 12:56 AM View Post #1 (Link) Mythology
addictedtoreading (Offline)
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Location: Canada
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My past is like unicorn dust,
still lingering on my shoulders.

And though knowing it's wrong,
a horror to slay such raw beauty,
I cut and I slash and
I stab at the unicorn within,
waiting for it to morph into a pegasus

so I can fly away from the dragons
whose breath singes the tip of my hair
and the mermen's calls

a smoky fog rising above the clouds,
to join them in harmony.

And there are moments where I fear to even step out into the sun,
like a troll, waiting to be turned to stone at the slightest flash.

As hunted as the Lochness,
I sink to the bottoms of my murky pond,
watching the moon with the eyes of centaur,

waiting for a sign of hope
for i'm frozen within an eternal ice age,
a mammoth buried too deep to move.

Extinction calls,
the last of the great giants to fall,
under the weight of faeries picking at my strands
ghosts whispering in my ear,
until I'm nothing but a Dementor needing other people's misery
to rise above my own.

I howl like a werewolf at full moon,
and I'm just as mythical
a creature's of no ones imagination.
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Abby

Please don't hesitate to message me if you have any comments or questions, I'm always happy to talk about anything reading or writing related. If you want me to look at your writing just ask!
It is not hard to write what one feels as truth. It is damned hard to live by it.
-Eugene O'Neil to Alexander Berkman
I am also a major Tumblr addict and have a collection of quotes (reblogged and stockpiled over the course of five years) that you are welcome to peruse
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Old 02-12-2014, 10:15 PM View Post #2 (Link) Great!
bbandrae4ever (Offline)
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I'm also a fan of mythology (I love Harry Potter! ) and I could sort of relate to the enchanting form of fantasy that I love so much. The beginning was just a bit rocky because, personally, I didn't really feel the unicorn analogy. I liked the idea of the dust, but maybe you could chose a different analogy. After that, though, everything smoothed out and the poem ran fluently. I loved the mucky pond line and some other particular lines. As long as you practice, you can become great. You have lots of potential.

~bbandrae4ever

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
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Old 02-22-2014, 11:44 PM View Post #3 (Link)
Clowningaround123 (Offline)
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I honestly loved this poem! I love how you compared yourself to multiple creatures, and it was quite a read! The one thing I didn't like was actually the rhyming pattern. The way you laid out the poem seemed like you wanted it to rhyme, but only a few lines did. It's a little hard to follow through. The last thing is the symbolism. It seems to not have an actual plot, or really describe anything except the character first wanting to live, and then finally the character wanting to die, and even that was a little blurry. I reread it just to make sure. I think you should revise it, and fix you grammar as well. But overall I really loved this poem, it was very creative, and you did an amazing job. Just a few things that need to be fixed
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Old 04-16-2014, 01:25 PM View Post #4 (Link)
Arjab (Offline)
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Wow ! Overall the poem is good. I like the use of survival there in the 2nd stanza. Moreover, the use of language is good. I really enjoyed reading the poem.

However, you are referring to yourself using 'I', but you are comparing yourself with various mythical creatures (if I'm not wrong!). I think you should take a single character as your main character and flow with the emotions of it.

But, holistically is good !

Correct me if I'm wrong !
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Old 04-19-2014, 06:16 AM View Post #5 (Link)
han123 (Offline)
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My past is like unicorn dust,
still lingering on my shoulders.

Okay so I absolutely love the first line because it is such a unique idea. It's definitely not cliché or abstract which automatically puts you in a good position, but, there's a few different images that people could get from that line. I kind of just interpreted it as literally dust (maybe shimmery, maybe dull or maybe something else, I wasn't sure), but wasn't quite sure how dust could linger on your shoulders. I mean, Wouldn't it brush off eventually? Or does it follow you around no matter what? You could clarify this bit slightly more. I would say, maybe keep the first line but make it more clear on the second line? And though knowing it's wrong,
a horror to slay such raw beauty,

Personally I would choose a different word than beauty (but im probably being a bit picky) Just because it seems to abstract to me.
I cut and I slash and
I stab at the unicorn within,

more imagery please? I know your slashing and stabbing at the unicorn within, but how do you do that without harming your own body? Or do you end up harming it? What colour is unicorn blood? There are a lot of questions that I'm wondering about this that aren't answered at all. Give me an interesting image that makes me feel something, even if You disturb someone by it, it's still a great image. waiting for it to morph into a Pegasus

I love this, but I think there could be more to it. What does this Pegasus look like? Is it a pure white creature with so much power and immortality or maybe is it getting to the end of it's life and maybe i9t has little scratches and eyes that don't see correctly? I don't know how you want to get the image across to people exactly, but be creative. It makes it a whole lot better.


so I can fly away from the dragons
whose breath singes the tip of my hair
and the mermen's calls

Why do you want to fly away from them? Give a good reason for this. I still think there could be a little more description.
a smoky fog rising above the clouds,
to join them in harmony.


I like this bit, but is there anything slightly more interesting than just a smoky fog?
And there are moments where I fear to even step out into the sun,
like a troll, waiting to be turned to stone at the slightest flash.

As hunted as the Lochness,
I sink to the bottoms of my murky pond,
watching the moon with the eyes of centaur,

waiting for a sign of hope
for i'm frozen within an eternal ice age,
a mammoth buried too deep to move.

Extinction calls,
the last of the great giants to fall,
under the weight of faeries picking at my strands
ghosts whispering in my ear,
until I'm nothing but a Dementor needing other people's misery
to rise above my own.

I howl like a werewolf at full moon,
and I'm just as mythical
a creature's of no ones imagination.
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I haven't critique any of the rest because I've run out of time, but just let me know if you want the rest done
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						Last edited by han123; 04-19-2014 at 07:13 AM.
					
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