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Old 03-09-2013, 03:47 PM View Post #1 (Link) She Holds Me
Fantasy (Offline)
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Her eyes hold my mind
My thoughts, my soul
even my feelings and dreams
Her hands hold my beauty
the skin behind my ear,
my lips, my belly
traced by her fingertips
pressed by her palm,
cradled with her hold
Her ears hold my voice
my secrets, my song
my sweet words of love, made just for her
because of her.
Her nose holds my scent
my perfume, my breath
incense on my shirt
mint on my jacket
Her tongue holds my taste,
my lips, my skin
my flavor
That beautiful latch of love
a lock
no key
Twined hearts, knotted
Her heart holds mine
a lock, no key, lucky
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Old 03-14-2013, 10:22 PM View Post #2 (Link) Wow!
SKritorre (Offline)
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Hey, this is really good! I love the way that you describe using more than just one of your senses (far too many poems do this nowadays!). I think the only teensy-weensy thing that perhaps you could change is the last line:
'no lock, no key' is great, but I think it needs to flow better into 'lucky'. Either 'I'm lucky' or instead of 'no lock, no key' perhaps you could use 'no lock, key' as then when you say it out loud the two sections flow into each other much better.
I wish I could write poetry as good as you!
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Old 04-24-2013, 03:38 PM View Post #3 (Link)
ogbonna collins (Offline)
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this is a poetry that my senses kept feeling. the imagery well handled and the unity well managed because each line flowed into the other.
Her eyes hold my mind
My thoughts, my soul
even my feelings and dreams
Her hands hold my beauty
the skin behind my ear,
my lips, my belly
this can be clearly seen through the use of your enjambment, which must be applauded: how the eyes of your lover held your mind, your thoughts and your soul. but again where there seems to be a dissociation was instead of
'Her eyes hold my mind, my soul, my feelings, dreams and beauty
her hands hold the skin behind my ear, my lips, my belly'

you said,

Her eyes hold my mind
My thoughts, my soul
even my feelings and dreams
Her hands hold my beauty
the skin behind my ear,
my lips, my belly
what i am saying in essence is that abstract images you made, in the first verse, mingled with the concrete: which i still think that concrete should go to concrete and abstract, abstract in order to maintain a flow stream.
the poem is a good poem since the images made were felt but then, the strength of a poem relies more in its poetics. the poem lacks a little strength in the sense that there were insufficient expression that said how the cling: i mean the emotional hold her of you was. even though you realized this at last as a genius you are,when you said
That beautiful latch of love
a lock
no key
Twined hearts, knotted
Her heart holds mine
a lock, no key, lucky
you tried to empower its strength but then, the flow slowed. 'a lock, no key' twined hearts, knotted hearts'. and i sensed that trying to get effect of the rhyming the no key, lucky, you could have tried your enjambment system
a lock, no key
a knock, lucky', or something that would have eased the flow.
you are a writer of no equal if you continued practicing in what you are talented in.
  
						Last edited by Isis; 04-24-2013 at 04:26 PM.
					
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