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Old 11-25-2012, 12:46 AM View Post #1 (Link) Oshawott and Emolga: Love Story
OwlGirl711 (Offline)
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*** I do not own Pokemon! All rights go to their owners! P.S this is my first story so it may not be the best! Enjoy!***

Chapter 1 A Shocking Surprise

It was just another ordinary day in the Unova region as Ash,Iris, and Cilan were setting up for camp as the wind blew and the forest was calm as could be. And as usual the trio always lets out their Pokemon.

"Alright come on out!" said Ash and Iris together.

"You have fun also!" said Cilan.

All at once the Pokeballs flew into the air and opened up as a beam of blue light lead to the ground to release the Pokemon.

"Snivy sni.(This is so much better!)" said Ash's Snivy,letting the wind hit her face.

"Osha oshawott!(I agree!)" said Oshawott, another Pokemon that belonged to Ash. "Okay you guys go have fun,but don't go to far!" said Iris cheerfully. While the rest of the gang played and chased each other there was one Pokemon who avoided the others. Emolga. The Pokemon that belonged to Iris had been trying to avoid Oshawott for weeks now and before the Water type could flirt with her, Emolga flew up a tree.

"Hello there beautiful!" said the Water type Pokemon winking at the Flying and Electric up the tree.

"Go away." sighed Emolga.

"Come on,Emolga,I know you like me and you know I like you too." said Oshawott,resting his back against the tree only to fall.

"Oh my goodness! Are you okay?" said Emolga,now flying down to help him.

"Uhh...My head hurts." said Oshawott looking up at Emolga,now stood beside him. Suddenly, both Pokemon blushed a bit. The Water type laid where he was looking at Emolga,but she backed away a little bit as though he was going to hurt her.

Man should I tell him, Emolga thought in her mind. "Emolga, are you okay?" said Oshawott,getting up to face her.

"Ya,of course I am." said the duel type, now jumping back to reality.

"Um,Oshawott there is something I need to tell you." said Emolga.

"What is it?" replied Oshawott.

"Well I-" said Emolga but was cutoff by Iris,her trainer.

"There you are! I was beginning to feel worried!" said the purple haired girl.

"Emo emolga emo!(We were only by a tree!)" said Emolga,to her trainer.

"Oshawott osha!(She is right!)" said Oshawott.

"Well now that this is settled, I need you two to go get some apples." said Iris,looking down at the two Pokemon.

"Emo Emolga!(Why me!)" cried Emolga.

"You are talking nonsense,Emolga! Now just go get some apples with Oshawott or no dessert!" said Iris firmly.

"Emo.(Fine.)" said the duel type,defeated.

Before the two went, Iris handed them a basket. "Oshawott osha!(Let's go!)" said Oshawott leading Emolga into the forest.

Once they were deep in the forest,they spotted some bright apples. "Wow! Those look good!" said Emolga eagerly, walking up to the tree with Oshawott behind her. "Okay,have the basket ready." said Emolga to the Water type. "Okay,I am ready." said Oshawott the basket on his head. Then Emolga aimed for the apples to go into the basket and PLOP! They landed perfectly in the basket,but Oshawott fell to ground,hard.

"Not again!" cried out Emolga. So once again Emolga flew down to the water type but this time he was knocked out for good. "Oh no! What have I done! Oshawott please wake up!" cried Emolga,starting to tear up. It was getting dark and it was very dangerous at this time.

"Please...please wake up..." said Emolga,now starting to hug Oshawott and crying on his shoulder. And then Oshawott woke up,finding Emolga hugging him and crying. "Hey,it's okay." said Oshawott. Then Emolga gasped,but she was still hugging him. "Thank Arceus! You are alive!" said the duel type hugging him tighter,but no longer crying. Then Oshawott hugged back. Then like a flash of lighting,Emolga suddenly blushed and pulled away from Oshawott.

"Are you okay,Emolga?" said Oshawott,walking towards her. "Um Oshawott there is something I need to tell you." said the duel type. "Go on then,tell me." said Oshawott. "Well I...I..." began Emolga,starting to feel dumb. "Well what is then?" Oshawott said. Then Emolga let out a heavy sigh. "Do you really wanna know?" said Emolga. "Ya. Come on just tell me,Cutie." said Oshawott winking at Emolga again. "Okay then here it goes." said Emolga,breathing in a lot of air."I LIKE YOU OKAY! I JUST DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW AND I JUST REALLY LIKE YOU,OSHAWOTT!"yelled out Emolga,now staring to cry again.

"You really feel that way?" said Oshawott soothingly. "Yes...now I feel like I am a coward..."said Emolga,now starting to calm down. "Hey,it's okay Emolga. We can keep it a secret." said Oshawott, coming closer to Emolga making her feel calmer. "Thanks Oshawott."said Emolga,sparks dancing on her yellow cheeks. "Hey,we should really get-" before Emolga could finish her sentence,she was pulled into a tight kiss from Oshawott. Then the kiss was broken and both blushed and once again hugged each other."Now can we go back?" said Emolga over Oshawott's shoulder. "Yes." he replied.

"Where have you been?!" yelled Ash and Iris together. "Osha oshawott.(We went to go get apples.)" said Oshawott,looking at the ground. "Emo emo emolga.(We are sorry.)" said Emolga,looking up at her trainer.

"It's dinner time!" said Cilan,walking over to the two trainers and Pokemon. "Okay well be right over."said Iris. "Come on Iris it's already dinner. Besides,Emolga and Oshawott are safe." said Ash now walking over to the dinner table. "Okay,"said Iris turning her head back to Emolga and Oshawott. "Ill let you off the hook this time."said Iris now joining Ash and the rest of the gang.

"We got lucky this time."smiled Emolga. "You said it." replied Oshawott sitting down with their friends,Emolga doing the same. "Here you go!" said Cilan, walking over to the Pokemon with bowls of Poke-food in his arms.

"That sure was good!" said Pikachu,Ash's companion once dinner was over. "I'll say."said Snivy calmly. As the Pokemon cleaned up,they stopped and looked up at the beautiful night sky.

"Wow!" breathed Iris. "Excellent!" said Cilan setting up the tent. "Well c'mon you guys time for bed!" said Ash now bringing out his Poke-balls. "Wait Ash. How about lets let the Pokemon sleep outside so they can see the stars."suggested Iris,laying down a blanket on the grass. "Sounds alright," said Ash,tucking his Poke-balls away.

"Axew ax ew!(This will be cool!)" said Axew, Iris's companion.

***A few hours later this is me being lazy again***

While everyone else was asleep,Oshawott and Emolga gazed at the night sky holding hands. But then they both fell asleep,still holding hands.

**Hope you guys enjoyed! More to be coming soon! **
  
						Last edited by OwlGirl711; 12-10-2012 at 01:12 AM.
					
					 Reason: bad grammar
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Old 11-25-2012, 07:53 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Thanatos (Offline)
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Originally Posted by OwlGirl711 View Post
It was just another ordinary day in the Unova region as Ash,Iris, and Cilan were setting up for camp and dinner. Make the intro more exciting. Hook the reader on the very first sentence. No need to add dinner. It's kind of implied. And as usual the trio always lets out their Pokemon.

"Alright come on out!" said Ash and Iris together.Start a new paragraph here. New dialogue from another speaker always needs a new paragraph "You have fun also!" said Cilan. And here.All at once the Pokeballs flew into the air and opened up as a beam of blue light lead to the ground to release the Pokemon.

"Snivy sni.(This is so much better!)" said Ash's Snivy,letting the wind hit her face.Start another paragraph. "Osha oshawott!(I agree!)" said Oshawott, another Pokemon that belonged to Ash. "Okay you guys go have fun,but don't go to far!" said Iris cheerfully. While the rest of the gang played and chased each other there was one Pokemon who avoided the others. Emolga. The Pokemon that belonged to Iris,No comma needed here. had been trying to avoid Oshawott for weeks now.Try merging these two sentences. So before the Water type could flirt with her, Emolga flew up a tree.

"Hello there beautiful!" said the Water type Pokemon winking at the Flying and Electric up the tree. New paragraph."Go away." sighed Emolga.

"Come on,Emolga,I know you like me and you know I like you too." said Oshawott,resting his back against the tree but fell.Instead, try saying "only to fall."

"Oh my goodness! Are you okay?" said Emolga,now flying down to check if Oshawott was okay.Try "flying down to help him. New Paragraph here."Uhh...My head hurts." said Oshawott looking up at Emolga,now stood beside him. Suddenly, both Pokemon blushed a bit. The Water type laid where he was looking at Emolga,but she backed away a little bit as though he was going to hurt her.

Man should I tell him, Emolga thought in her mind. "Emolga, are you okay?" said Oshawott, nowTake out the word "now" in this sentence. getting up to face her. New paragraph."Ya,of course I am." said the duel type, now jumping back to reality.

"Um,Oshawott there is something I need to tell you." said Emolga. New paragraph."What is it?" replied Oshawott. New paragraph."Well I-" said Emolga but was cutoff by Iris,her trainer.

"There you are! I was beggingbeginning? to feel worried!" said the purple headedI think you mean "purple-haired." girl. New paragraph."Emo emolga emo!(We were only by a tree!)" said Emolga,to her trainer. New paragraph."Oshawott osha!(She is right!)" said Oshawott.

"Well now that this is settled, I need you two to go get some apples." said Iris,looking down at the two Pokemon. New paragraph."Emo Emolga!(Why me!)" cried Emolga. New paragraph."You are talking nonsense,Emolga! Now just go get some apples with Oshawott or no dessert!" said Iris firmly. New paragraph."Emo.(Fine.)" said the duel type,defeated.
Before the two went, Iris handed them a basket. "Oshawott osha!(Let's go!)" said Oshawott leading Emolga into the forest.

Once they were deep in the forest,they spotted some bright apples. "Wow! Those look good!" said Emolga eagerly, walking up to the tree with Oshawott behind her. "Okay,have the basket ready." said EmolgaTry "she instructed." to the Water type. New paragraph."Okay,I am ready." said Oshawott the basket on his head. Then Emolga aimed for the apples to go into the basket and PLOP! They landed perfectly in the basket,but Oshawott fell to ground,hard.

"Not again!" cried out Emolga. SoTake out the "So." once again Emolga flew down to the water type but this time he was knocked out for good. "Oh no! What have I done! Oshawott please wake up!" cried Emolgashe cried,starting to tear up. It was getting dark and it was very dangerous at this time.

"Please...please wake up..." said Emolga,now starting to hug Oshawott and crying on his shoulder. And then Oshawott woke up,finding Emolga hugging him and crying. new paragraph."Hey,it's okay." said Oshawott. Then Emolga gasped,but she was still hugging him. New paragraph."Thank Arceus! You are alive!" said the duel type hugging him tighter,but no longer crying. Then Oshawott hugged back. You're starting too many sentences with "Then."Then like a flash of lighting,Emolga suddenly blushed and pulled away from Oshawott.

"Are you okay,Emolga?" said Oshawott,walking towards her. New paragraph.""Um Oshawott there is something I need to tell you." said the duel type. New paragraph."Go on then,tell me." said Oshawott. New paragraph."Well I...I..." began Emolga,starting to feel dumb. New paragraph."Well what is then?" Oshawott said. ThenTake out the "Then" and start a new paragraph here. Emolga let out a heavy sigh. "Do you really wanna know?" said Emolga. New paragraph."Ya. Come on just tell me,Cutie." said Oshawott winking at Emolga again. New paragraph."Okay then here it goes." said Emolga,breathing in a lot of air."I LIKE YOU OKAY!Question mark, not exclamation point. I JUST DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW AND I JUST REALLY LIKE YOU,OSHAWOTT!"yelled out Emolga,now staring to cry again.

"You really feel that way?" said Oshawott soothingly. New paragraph."Yes...now I feel like I am a coward..."said Emolga,now starting to calm down. New paragraph."Hey,it's okay Emolga. We can keep it a secret." said Oshawott, coming closer to Emolga making her feel calmer. New paragraph."Thanks Oshawott."said Emolga,sparks dancing on her yellow cheeks. "Hey,we should really get-" before Emolga could finish her sentence,she was pulled into a tight kiss from Oshawott. Then the kiss was broken and both blushed and once again hugged each other."Now can we go back?" said Emolga over Oshawott's shoulder. New paragraph."Yes." he replied.

"Where have you been?!" yelled Ash and Iris together. New paragraph."Osha oshawott.(We went to go get apples.)" said Oshawott,looking at the ground. New paragraph."Emo emo emolga.(We are sorry.)" said Emolga,looking up at her trainer.

"It's dinner time!" said Cilan,walking over to the two trainers andtheir Pokemon. New paragraph."Okay wellWe'll or we will. be right over."said Iris. New paragraph."Come on Iris it's already dinner. Besides,Emolga and Oshawott are safe." said Ash now walking over to the dinner table. New paragraph."Okay,"said Iris turning her head back to Emolga and Oshawott. "Ill let you off the hook this time."said Iris now joining Ash and the rest of the gang.

"We got lucky this time."smiled Emolga. New paragraph."You said it." replied Oshawott sitting down with their friends,Separate this into two sentences.Emolga doing the same. "New paragraph.Here you go!" said Cilan, walking over to the Pokemon with bowls of Poke-food in his arms.
*** A few minutes later.This is me being lazy***Instead of this, just add in the next paragraph that dinner was finished. Like so: "That sure was good!" said Pikachu once dinner was over. No need to keep saying who's companion they are. We get it.

"That sure was good!" said Pikachu,Ash's companion. New paragraph."I'll say."said Snivy calmly. New paragraph.As the Pokemon cleaned up,they stopped and looked up at the beautiful night sky.

"Wow!" breathed Iris. New paragraph."Excellent!" said Cilan setting up the tent. New paragraph."Well c'mon you guys time for bed!" said Ash now bringing out his Poke-balls. New paragraph."Wait Ash. How about lets let the Pokemon sleep outside so they can see the stars."suggested Iris,laying down a blanket on the grass. New paragraph."Sounds alright," said Ash,tucking his Poke-balls away.

"Axew ax ew!(This will be cool!)" said Axew, Iris's companion.

***A few hours later this is me being lazy again***Get rid of this and just start the next paragraph with "A few hours later...

While everyone else was asleep,Oshawott and Emolga gazed at the night sky holding hands. But then they both fell asleep,still holding hands.Get rid of this last sentence and add on to the last one with "and drifted off together."
So your main issues here are grammar and formatting, especially with the dialogue. The punctuation needs work also. Tidy it up a bit, and try to be more descriptive. Imagery is your friend. It was a cute story.

Good work.
Thanatos
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:16 AM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
OwlGirl711 (Offline)
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Um I am new here and i was wondering if someone could explain if i can add chapters?
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