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Old 05-10-2018, 12:49 AM View Post #1 (Link) The Dragon Tamer, Part 1
Panda11 (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 4
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This is kinda long, sorry! And also please note that I am only just starting Middle School and this was the second story I ever wrote. (First one was kinda weird.)
Also, some places are Italic and might seem like: Watch the tail! She shouted. Splash some water in. I said.; This is because I didn't have time to re-color and italic everything.
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Note: This was based off of Eragon, and was not an original book. I made this in my own free time and would like to give full credit to Christopher Paolini, author of Eragon.



Have you ever felt like riding a huge bird? Or at least flying in the air? I have. And well, I might as well not say it. Here is my tale:


CHAPTER 1:
A Rough Beginning

I was woken by the bells at church ringing. My step-brother ran up the stairs and said “Today, the Traders are coming. Uncle has gone out searching for things to trade. You might notice things around the house gone.” He handed me a bow and a full bag of arrows. “Go hunt us some food.” He looked outside the small window in my room. “To make sure that even if we don’t make a lot, we still have at least some food.” He went down stairs. “Make sure to catch some deer for breakfast! And don’t forget rabbits for lunch!” He called out from downstairs. I groaned and hopped up from the bed. Since I was the youngest, they bossed me around most of the time. And since I knew how to work a bow and arrow more than anyone else, I always did all the hunting.
I opened up the house door and went outside and called out “HELLO EVERYONE!” Of course, like normal no one replied. I went behind the house and filled a bucket with water. I grabbed my stick that had hair on it. We called it a ‘toothbrush.’ Well, at least my uncle does. Me and my stepbrother call it a ‘Dirt Brush.’ I dipped the Dirt Brush in the water and brushed my teeth. I turned around. I heard something run in the leaves. I grinned and dropped my Dirt Brush in the bucket.
I ran over there, but soon saw two Hunters following. They looked at me and shot an arrow at me. I gasped and ducked quickly. I ran towards the leaves where I saw the animal run. I shot an arrow at one of the Hunters. He fell, holding his heart. His middle finger and index finger around the arrow. The other hunter looked at his dead brother and looked up at me. Through his mask I could tell he was mad. A knife came at me, in blazing speed. I quickly dove into the bushes. I leaned my head out the side and shot a arrow. The hunter grabbed his neck, and yanked the arrow out. He aimed a arrow at me, but then aimed up and shot it. He fell, a pool of blood under him. His and his brother’s blood mixed. I sighed, holding my arm. The knife had made a small cut in my arm and my shirt. I picked up a leaf and the piece of my cut off shirt and tied the leaf onto my arm.
I went through the bush and gasped. A diamond encrusted rock! And it was huge too! I picked it up and put it in the space in my bag. It was heavy, but I ran home with it.


Chapter 2:
Rabbit To Bear.
“Hey! Guess what! I got around 1 thousand Gold Coins here!” My step-brother and uncle rushed over. “What? How do you know? You can’t even read!” My uncle cried at me. He sat at a table, and started counting the money.
An hour later me and Jack, my step brother, heard my uncle yelling, (and he ruined our game of “War”,) “TWELVE THOUSAND GOLD COINS!” We rushed downstairs, I tripped and fell bumping my head like crazy. I didn’t care. I looked at the cash. Twelve thousand? The only amount I ever heard of was two hundred! I grabbed a stack. “You got yourself 100 there! Go buy us some bear! Two bears, in fact!” He gave me another hundred. I ran out the door, not even saying “Yes, sir!” I headed to the Butcher's house. I pointed at his only two bears. “I want them both!” The Butcher laughed at me. “You? Can afford that? HA! The only thing you could buy is the rabbit!” He put a rabbit down. “Give me your 50 silver coins and skedaddle.”
I shook my head. I flashed the two hundred gold coins in his face. The money giggled in the bag. “Both the bears. Or no.” He grabbed the coins and slammed both the bears down. I put 50 silver coins on the table. “I will be taking the rabbit as well.” I struggled to carry the bears and the rabbit, but he said that the wagons are free. Then he tried to quickly switch it up by saying “Oh, wait never mind. We changed it to 50 Gold Coins. Pay up please.” He held his hand out. I took out my bow and grabbed an arrow. He quickly put his hand down and said “Never mind!” He pointed at the wagon. I placed the bears and rabbit down and the horses took off.

Chapter 3:
A New Life Was Born

“Where did you get this fat stack of coins?” Asked Uncle, waving the bag of coins around around. We were eating all the bear I bought. “Uh..” Should I tell them the truth? I think they can wait. “Well?” My Uncle’s impatience voice brought me back. “Uhh, you see. I saw a deer in the forest and I wanted to kill it for us.. And well.. Two hunters came and attacked me and I killed them.. They dropped the fat stack and well.. I took it.” My Uncle looked at me amazed, and then shook his head. He bit into the bear’s leg. Some screamed from outside “THEY ARE COMING!” We ran outside and stared at the man. I looked around. People were leaving their houses two. “THE TRADERS ARE COMING!” A bell ringed twice. It means what he said was true. “HURRY! GRAB THOSE BAGS AND DRAG EM OUTSIDE!” I dragged the bags outside, and Jack followed. “Jack, help me trade with people. Lukas, go upstairs. You are too young for this.” I sighed and obeyed. I muttered “Yes sir.. Whatever sir..” I felt a deep pain in my back. I fell in the dirt. “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” Uncle’s angry voice was followed by another deep pain in my back. I turned. He was whipping me with a stick. “I said.. Yes, sir!” He hit me again and said “GET UP!” I stood up and ran inside. I charged up to my room and tripped on the huge rock. “FISH STICKS!” I shouted, falling onto my bed. I turned at the rock. It cracked! Oh no.. Oh no.. Don’t crack please! Then I heard a voice inside my head. Why shouldn’t I? I mean, the egg. Anyway, your room is really small Lukas. I looked around. “WHO'S THERE?” No one responded. In my mind I said it again. WHO'S THERE?? I am. Who are you? I am the dragon. From the egg. Dragon? Egg? You mean rock? Rock, egg. Whatever. Fetch me some milk please.


Chapter 4: A New Life Is Born
Heres your milk. Much thanked. I groaned and said, What gender are you? The baby dragon looked at me, like I was stupid. A tiny flame came out her mouth, and landed on my shirt. I yelled “CARROTS!” And put it out. A boy? The dragon did it again and said Girl! Can’t you tell by the voice? Woops. I sighed. What am I going to do? Tell Jack and Uncle I have a FEMALE baby dragon in my room? Forgetting she could hear me, she said Oh. You lie? Well that isn’t that surprising. Anyway, tomorrow you are going to learn how to fly! I grow quickly. We all do. You humans are quite slow. What do you mean? You're my owner now. Only you can hear my voice. Of course, other dragons can as well. You see, tomorrow I will be big enough to lift you, your step-brother, and you uncle! I gasped. Well then you're going OUTSIDE! During trade time? Don’t think so. Oh-ho-ho. You're going! I picked her up and rushed her outside. I dipped her in the well. There's enough room for you to grow. Stop! Bring me up now! No! You can move around and grow in there. The well is quite wide. When I was a little baby, I fell down three times. We had to move the house forward. Her laugh and snorting echoed through the well. I groaned and looked up. The sun was going down. Traders were leaving. I saw Uncle’s and Jack’s depressed faces. I sighed and went through the house from the back. I went up the house, to my bedroom and sighed again. I knew we didn’t make a lot. We were considered the “Poorest Family Around.” I laid in my bed and was about to go to sleep when this happened. Hey! You left me! Rude! I groaned. Hey, It’s okay that your parents didn’t make anything. And it doesn’t look like the bed is so.. Comfy. I was moving around fixing the hay. How do you know? I can look through your eyes. And you can look through mine. I mean, we both need training. I can barely see anything! It blinds me when I do it. I hope we can see the Elf Master soon.. An elf master? What the heck? What do you mean? Ugh. So many questions. You see, the Elf Master has a golden dragon.. He also carries a golden sword. He knows EVERYTHING about dragons. Expect how we came to be. Oh. Well then. Night. Night. “Hey.. Ugh.. We didn’t make much. Go ahead and uh.. Go to sleep.. Umm.. Love ya.” Jack walked and then walked out. Uncle came in. “Sorry son.. We didn’t get much.. I know you most likely don’t like me calling you son but.. Yeah.. I’ll go..” My mind snapped. I stopped him. “But remember, we still have Twelve thousand..” He smiled at me. “Eleven thousand and eight hundred.” He hugged me and said “Night.” I said it back and closed my eyes.




Chapter 5:
My First Flight

Wakey-wakey sleepy head. Your brother is coming. If he picks me up.. I sprung up and ran down the stairs. I yelled “WAIT!” Jack turned. “Uh.. I want to get the water. Remember, I have to do everything?” He looked at me like I was sick. Then he just shrugged and pointed his Dirt Brush at the empty bucket. “After you.” I nodded and grabbed my Dirt Brush that was hanging on the wall. I hanged the bucket and rolled it down. I heard a plop at the end. Watch the tail! Can you splash some water in? Watch the tail! She shouted again. I heard splashes and when I brought the bucket up it was filled with water. I looked down. She was in there, making light. Her entire head poked out the water. “Hurry up! Gotta go hunting with ya today.” I groaned and placed the bucket down. I took some leaf bits and dipped it in the water. Then I started scrubbing. I looked around.
Another dear? No.. Oh no.. “Jack? Jack! The army! They found us!” Jack turned to me. “What?” I pointed. There was a Army, holding bows and swords. I ran to the church bell and Jack ran inside the house getting our daggers and bows. I rung it five times. Everyone came outside with a type of weapon. I continued ringing it until everyone was out. “THEY FOUND US!!! TAKE COVER!! PROTECT THE CHILDREN AND WOMEN!!” Yells went around as I ran downstairs. Jack gave me a bow and some arrows, then a dagger and a sword. I smiled. Someone grabbed Jack’s arm. “Help me get my three kids and wife into the carriage. Please.” Jack nodded and followed the man.
An arrow was shot. It went flying towards the house! The house burned. I heard my uncle screaming “HELP!” I turned to the house. My uncle’s head was out my bedroom window. The house was falling. “HELP!!” I ran over. I turned to the Army man that was smiling at the burning house. I shot an arrow at him. He fell. Another one came over and charged at me with his blade. I grabbed my sword out my belt and hit his with it. Our swords clanged over and over again. I jumped back when he swiped at my feet. I threw my sword up and he smiled. He was going to strike me but the sword landed in his foot. He yelled and cursed. I took out my dagger and stabbed it in his heart. Before he fell, he threw a dagger at me. It hit my arm, but gladdy it hit the leaf that I put on before. The leaf was the only thing that got hit. I grabbed my sword and my dagger and turned to the house. Uncle was still yelling. He threw money at me. I turned around. All the men were taking on the Army. I jumped up and caught the gold coins. I ran into the burning house, coughing. “What are you doing here? Get out! Your little lungs can’t handle this!” I responded with a deep cough, meaning “I’m not stupid.” He said “Clearly you are.” I looked out the window and saw a pile of bodies there. We had won the first battle. I grabbed my uncle and we jumped. Then I realized, the body's had armor on!
Oh no. Hey, are you still there? SAVE US! No one responded. I braced my uncle, putting him behind me. A huge whooshing sound came. And soon, before I knew it, I was flying. My uncle still screaming, and the wind taking my hair up. I dove down, or at least the dragon did. We landed on the ground, my uncle wheezing like a pig. Everyone just stared. What a messed up village. Is that a burning house? I turned to her. Why didn’t you respond when I called you? She made a confusing grunt. I did. I saved you. Isn’t that enough? I rolled my eyes and turned to the whole village. I counted them in my head. 10 were missing. One of the wives who lost their husband turned to the forest. They were making graves for her husbands. And I said graves because she had been married 9 times. All 9 men died. One kid, her only kid, died. People placed food and clothing and comfort things by her door. She turned to me. A tear ran down her bony cheeks. Hey. Are you ready to leave? Yeah. Why? Were leaving today. But for now we have to make you look like a stray dragon. Fly up and fly in one direction. A safe one. Just, perch outside the forest. Okay. Call for me later, master. Don’t have to call me master. The wind made me cover my eyes. She flew off, toward the forest. I turned to the crying lady, who other ladies were trying to comfort her. I looked at the pile of dead army soldiers. We had won the first battle.


Chapter 7:
A Life is loss.

“Will he be okay?” I shook the nurse’s sister, who was guarding uncle’s little room. “Yes, now calm down. He only took some burns. He will have to wait a little be healed.” I sighed and sat down. I had to change the day of when I left, after our town spies said the army will be coming again. Also, my uncle was badly hurt. I turned to Jack. He was shaking his head hardly, hoping the worst wasn't true. I turned to the deck of cards we had used to play war with. I spilt it in half and gave him one half. He smiled. “GO!” We shouted at the same time. I put down a 2 and so did he. We smiled. “One two three four, war!” We both put down five cards. We turned over the last one and I grabbed all the cards. I had an A and he had a King. “The A beats all!” I said cracking up. He groaned and then the nurse came. I got up quickly. So did Jack. “You uncle so far has made it.” She looked down and whispered “He only has three more days. The sparks fell in his mouth, burning almost everything. We were able to get them out before it reached his heart. I am so so sorry boys.” I turned to Jack, not believing this news. He just picked up the cards and ran out the room. I looked down. A tear from where he was standing appeared. I wiped my tears. “NO! YOUR LYING! HE WILL LIVE!” I ran out the room, pushing past the nurse’s sister. I saw Jack by the house, searching through the rumage. I ran over. “What are you looking for?” He ignored me. Then after looked he sighed and stood up. Through his cracked up voice, he said “For. For the money.. So we can get far away from this place.” I pulled out the money. He turned and gasped. He grabbed it and said “Were leaving!” I shook my head. “No. You will stay. I know I am the youngest, but you must watch over Uncle. If you do not he will… Die.” He looked at me angrily. I knew he wanted to leave. And so did I. Um. Lukas? What? Me and my brother are having a moment. And you're interrupting it. Not really. What do you mean? Another group of the Army is coming. Ugh, so soon? Yep. I turned to Jack. He was walking back to the hut. I looked down. He left the money at my feet. I picked it up and called out “JACK! THE ARMY MIGHT COME SOON! WE MUST BE PREPARED!” He turned to me. He wiped his tears and nodded. After everyone was out, another fiery arrow was shot.
I rolled onto the ground, dodging it. I jumped up and shot an arrow at it and they collided. The fiery arrow hit the ground. I turned. The man shooting the arrows was mad. He shot one at me. I charged it and jumped up. I should of rolled, because the arrow hit me. I yelled loudly. I turned to Jack. He was rushing over with a bucket. He splashed the bucket on me, taking out the fire. He carefully took out the arrow and shot it back with my bow. The arrow curved and landed in the tree. He groaned and grabbed my dagger. He aimed and shot it. It twirled and landed in his heart. He collapsed. I looked around. All the houses were burning. I listened to the cries of the women and the children. Crying for help. I grabbed my arrows and rapidly shot them. Each man fell down, followed by a pool of blood. I reached for another arrow, but I had no more. One man was left. He smiled at me. Jack ran for more arrows, but was grabbed by a man, asking for help. And then a voice came from the forest, coming closer. “I am the chief of this squad. Of course, they didn’t think a foolish boy like you would kill them. Well, you can join them now.” The deep voice was followed by him grabbing the hilt of his sword. He yanked it out and drew it. I drew mine, but I didn’t know how to use it correctly. Last time, was a lucky time. He charged at me, quickly disarming me. I turned. My dagger was in an army man’s heart. I ran for it, but was stopped by the Chief hitting me. I tripped. Are you still there? Yeah. But apparently some goblins heard the commotion. It will be a while before I arrive. I groaned and dodged another swipe of his blade. Where are you? Peak. Cargoes Peak. That far? Alright. I will run. I grabbed my sword from the ground and hit the Chief. The Chief rolled on the ground, holding his leg. I got up ran into the forest.


Chapter 8:
Leaving Home.

I jumped over the branches. Did you handle the Goblins? Yes. I am coming towards the village. It seems everyone is dead. You handled that well. Oh wait, that old lady is still alive. Shut it. Listen, turn around and head halfway towards the Peak. You will see me running. Okay. I will try. I ducked when the Chief tried to behead me. I rolled and flung off a branch. I stabbed the Chief in the back. He yelled and fell. “Wow. That was.. Surprising?” I heard a roar and I ducked. The dragon flew over my head. She landed on top of a mountain. There is no place for me to land. You will have to climb up here. Okay. Be there soon. I climbed up the mountain, looking back at the village. I sighed. Jack, Uncle, and everyone else was counting on me. And I fled. Like a coward. This choice still haunts me.
I struggled to get up, but right when I was about to get up, the rock I was using as support broke. I yelled. The dragon flew down and caught me before we were so low she couldn’t fit her wings in the tiny space the trees left her. She landed back up on the mountain. Careful there. I cleaned off some dust from my pants. Thank you. She grunted. How far away is this, “Elf Master?” The Elf Master? Not sure. Do you happen to have a map of the world with you? I sighed. Yeah. Before the house was burnt down. She looked down at me and rested her head on the floor. She got into a sleeping pose. It will be night soon. We must get some rest. I nodded and rolled onto her belly. Her back had scales, making it hard to sleep, but she adjusted herself so it would feel nice. She wrapped her head around me, creating a safe blanket. I rubbed her head. Good night… Sapphire. She did a confused grunt, then a understanding sigh. Night.


Chapter 9:
The Desert of Tut

Rise and shine Lukas. I groaned and stretched. What time is it? Around 12 AM. WHAT? It’s way too early! I got up. We need to get up early. Unless you want to go untrained, late in the morning, FIGHTING GOBLINS! I looked at her and shook my head. I searched around in my bag and grabbed some leather I was going to use for hunting before the Army men raided. To be honest, I never really understood Zahook. The king of the Army. Apparently, he wants money. More land. He owns half of Roma, our land.
I spreaded the leather on Sapphire’s back and sat on it. “Could use a little more softness.. But I can make it work.” I dragged the bag back onto my back and told her, Let’s go Sapphire. Far away from this war land. To the.. Elf Master.. She grunted an “HOORA!” and flew off.
I grabbed the water bottle out my bag and drunk the remainings of it. We were almost at the Desert of Tut. Tut was a great emperor, until Zahook took over. The tale says Zahook breached the front of the temple with his best men, which was half of the army, and the other half raiding the back end of the great temple, stealing everything. Zahook was able to destroy Tut while destroying his men. No one knows why he is so angry or violent. All he does is kill!
I looked down. “Hey. I see a spot to land.” I pointed at the land. Well. I just figured out how to understand you when you talk out loud. Sadly we can’t land there. It is taken by Goblins. Well, I should say Dwarfs. The Dwarfs don’t mind dragons, but this group was taken over by the Goblins. I can tell from the Bar that just so happens to be sitting there. They will destroy us if they see me with you. I will land a little away from it. You must walk from there. I nodded and pointed at a spot a little away from it. Sapphire dove down and landed. “Thanks. Wish me luck.” She grunted.
I walked over to the Dwarfs. They were about half the size of me. I reached down to tap one of them on the shoulder. He looked up at me. “Хей! oащо ме докосваш?” I backed off. “Той ме докосвай! Хвани го!” Dwarfs charged at me, but one said, “СПРИ СЕ! Той ли е шефът? аз съм.” The Dwarf looked up at me. “Sorry about that. They speak Bulgarian.” He made them back off. “What brings you here, young fellow?” I looked at the Dwarf that was angry at me. He muttered something and whacked another Dwarf in the head. “Do you hate dragons?” My voice went down to a whisper. His went down to. “Well.. I’m suppose to. But I don’t. Oh no.. The Goblins are coming soon. May I get you a drink so I don’t end up like паток? The Goblins murdered him. “Ужасно .. ужасно!” I nodded. “Uh.. One Кока Кола?” He nodded and slammed a drink down. “Here's your Кока Кола.” I thanked him and drunk it. “Hooah Hooah Kita mao ang mga maligno Hooah.” The Dwarf looked around. “That is the Goblin chant! EVERYONE! CLEAN!” He looked at me. “YOU TWO!!” I got down under the table and grabbed the rag he gave me. I started scrubbing. The goblin looked at the Dwarf. “Hey. You. The Chief Dwarf. Какво е това момче, правиш тук?” He pointed at me. So he’s the Chief? And he likes dragons? Confusing. Sapphire, do not come. The Goblins have arrived. ‘About 20 of em.
The Chief Dwarf looked at me, scared. I read his eyes. “Help.. He is scary!” He looked back at the Goblin and said “Хм .. Той искаше да работи за малко! Работа, работа и работа!” The Goblin looked at me. I nodded and scrubbed. “You speak Bulgarian?” I nodded then shook my head. “A little, sir.” The Goblin laughed. He turned to his men. “siya dili mosulti sa ilang pinulongan! Haha!” All the other Goblins laughed. I groaned. Sapphire? Get here now. And burn all theses Goblins! No one replied.
It seems I was mistaken. She did reply. A huge whooshing sound came, and the Goblins screamed. Fire covered them. “GET THE WATER!! ВОДА !!!!!” The Dwarfs just laughed and said “Good job Human Boy. You did it.” I looked at the Dwarf. “Ah. You confused? We talk English to. This whole thing was a test. We knew you had a dragon at first sight. We saw you circling around us. You are brave boy. I get Wise Dwarf to help you.” The Dwarf ran off, as fast as his little legs took him. Which was apparently really far and fast. Another Dwarf came. “You seek my wisdom? Let’s see.. You are a boy from the Unknown town. The Army raided twice, and you fled like a.. A coward when everyone was trusting you. Your step-brother, crying at your destroyed house because when you left they took everything. Even your uncle’s life. And now, you and your dragon, Sapphire, wishes to find the Elf Master for them to help you. And you need my help for directions.” My jaw dropped. How did he know? I had no idea either. I’m just dumbfounded. I nodded. “Fly North from here. Then take a left at the Slingshot tree. You will meet twelve Elf guards. Say the Wise Dwarf sent you. You must walk after the Slingshot tree though. Or Sapphire and you will be hurt.” I nodded and walked towards Sapphire. The Wise Dwarf lowered his voice, and all I heard was “Boy.. Brother… Going.. Evil…” I just shrugged and left. That was a nice convocation. Well, I got the directions. We shall set off after Dawn. I went through the little tunnel Sapphire made for me, and touched the scales on her head. “We will Sapphire.. We will.”




Chapter 10:
The Trouble.


At this time we arrived at the slingshot tree. I patted Sapphire. “You can rest now. We must walk from here.” Sapphire nodded and landed on the land before the tree. I climbed off. I walked with Sapphire. “Hey sən! Burada gətirir? Oh Bir oğlan istəyirik, gözləyin. Sorry about that young one. I am the Secret Keeper. I am going to have to ask you to leave, or we will use force.” I turned to Sapphire. She puffed out a cloud of smoke. I coughed and said, “The Wise Dwarf sent us. We want to be trained by the Elf Master.” They looked at each other. One said “O, bir dragon var. Biz Onun vasitəsilə imkan olmalıdır.” The other elves nodded. “Okay. We will take you. If you show us your power. Come. Walk with me.” A dragon came out of the bushes and followed the elf. I turned to Sapphire and she was already following them. I ran after them.
The elf jumped on his dragon and the dragon rose to a battling hight. I jumped onto Sapphire and Sapphire rose to match them. The elf shouted “BEGIN!” Sapphire charged and the Elves dragon flew up. Sapphire chased. Don’t follow. Dive down and head forward then flip around. Sapphire dived down and flipped around, shooting fire around us. The Elf and the dragon was hit, flying down. The Elf jumped off the dragon and the dragon steadied itself before it fell. The Elf smiled when we landed. “You are smart. We did not expect that. You may pass.” We turned to walk but then there was a bang. “No.. Our worst fears.. Zahook’s army has found us. SOUND THE ALARMS!” He shouted. He pulled out a horn and blew. “EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW” The alarm sounded like that. The Elf turned to us and nodded. We nodded back and charged after him. Heading into the Elf Town.

Chapter 11
The Battle
A fiery arrow just like at home was fired. A small house was caught on fire. “Oh no, that was Jamie’s house!” Cried the Secret Keeper. He turned to us. “I need to put out that fire. You two must seek shelter.” He turned to the house again. He started to run but I shouted “NO!” He stopped and turned. “What?” His eyes told me I better listen. I just shook the fear off and said “No. We must help.” The Secret Keeper whispered “The Elf Master is looking for you.. He will protect the Town while you two get lots of rest.. You will be guarded by my dragon and twelve guards. Don’t be scared.” Before I could reply, he ran over to “Jamie’s” house and grabbed a bucket and filled it with water. I turned to Sapphire. “We have to hurry. The dragon will lead the way.” Sapphire grunted and moved her head to face the other dragon. She puffed and roared. The dragon roared and flew off. I Jumped on Sapphire and we followed.
There was a huge boom and the Elves dragon fell. I gasped and shouted, “GET TO THAT DRAGON!” Sapphire dove down and landed next to the dragon. “Can you lift him?” Sapphire shook her head. He is to big. I am only two years old. He must be around five. Quite strong. He told me he was going to go easy until the fire spin. I sighed. “Grab him with your claws. Do not injure him.”
Sapphire’s claws wrapped around the dragon’s scales and picked him up. So.. Heavy.. Going to.. Fall. I quickly gasped. “NO! Don’t fall! You got this. Just head to the temple right in front of us. I’ll cover, and so will the guards.” I pointed at twenty-four guards there. One whispered to another and it went through the whole line. Twelve of the guards rushed over to assist us, and the other twelve nodded at us telling us to hurry.
The elves helped lift us the dragon and Sapphire did a huge thank you grunt. The elves grunted back and dropped the huge dragon right next to me and Sapphire’s beds. I look down at the leader of that squad. He was also half as tall as me. Everyone was. “Will the dragon be okay?” The elf turned to the dragon. “Who owns?” He asked, walking towards the dragon. “The Secret Keeper.” The elf touched the dragon’s wound, and the dragon winced like a puppy that got smacked in the face. “He will be fine. But we cannot let the Secret Keeper worry a lot. That will make the dragon try to prove he is alright, and then end up dying.” He turned to another elf. “Get me Elf Medic. Dragon Squad.” The Elf nodded and ran off. The leader elf turned to me. “You must rest. Your dragon is asleep now. If you have no sleep, you cannot be good in training tomorrow.” I nodded.




Chapter 12:
Training Time.
“Get up ya stupid human.” I groaned and got up, and yawned. The elf gasped and covered her nose and mouth. “Disgusting! Having to breath the same air you nasty humans breath! JUST HORRIBLE!” She muttered a curse and dropped some bread, cream cheese, and soup on my bed. I spread the cheese on the bread and ate it all. I turned to wake up Sapphire but she was gone. The elf came back. “Your ‘beautiful’ dragon is talking with the Elf Master. Go outside the city gate, and take a right. But when you get back, don’t expect your bed to be perfect!” She shouted.
I turned and looked at giant temple. I climbed up the stairs, running, wanting to see the Elf Master. There I saw a dragon. The dragon Sapphire had been talking about. I walked up to it, covering my eyes. His golden scales blinded me. The dragon turned to me. Ah. Are you Sapphire’s owner? She is quite.. Nice.. How old is she? Oh wait, I know. Around two or three years? I am guessing from the look on your face I am right. How am I talking to you? I can talk to everyone. Ah. Elf Master is near. You should take off.. Just a warning. Also. Try blinking to get the shine off. There was a deep chuckle and then Sapphire’s wing threw me up and I landed on the saddle. “OW! IT’S NOT SOFT!” Sorry!
Sapphire flew up and dove around. The golden dragon flew around us. I looked at him and saw a tiny man. A tiny Elf. He smiled. “FlAME BURST!” He shouted to his Dragon. The Dragon opened his mouth and flame busted out his mouth. “NOW! EMBER GO!” A huge blast of fire, called ‘Ember’, spluttered out of the Dragon’s mouth. “Dive up!” Sapphire flew up, but the Elf was coming up close. “SPIN!” I shouted at Sapphire. Sapphire dove down and spinned around, throwing fire around us. The golden dragon roared and collapsed. The elf hit the Dragon’s scales and groaned. We gasped and landed then rushed over. “Oh no. Poor elf! Are you alright?” The elf nodded and groaned. He sat up and said “O Za Hu Ua La Le HOOKAH Ya!” The cut closed up and the blood disappear. “How the heck?” The Elf laughed. “It’s quite simple. You must wait a while, young dragon trainer. The spells take time. You must go into nature. Be one with nature. Then of course, eat the nature for lunch.” The elf laughed.b I rolled my eyes and said “Hey! I came here to train. Not listen to your “funny” little spell tricks.” The elf frowned. “Dragon. Fly off.” The dragon laughed and flew off. The elf got up and drew his sword. “DUEL ME!” I drew my sword and the sword shaked. I was nervous. I had no idea what to do.
He launched at me, his sword flying around like crazy. I jumped back, tripping on a rock and threw my sword up. The Elf Master smiled and lunged at me. I rolled across the peak, and grabbed my sword. The Elf tried to knock the sword out of my hand but I rolled again. I sprung up and grabbed my dagger. I put the sword away and look madly at the Elf Master. He laughed at me and charged. I threw the dagger straight at him, and unleashed my sword. He gasped as the dagger flew past his sword and landed on his hand. He yelled, throwing the dagger to the floor. “O Za Hu Ua La Le HOOKAH-” I stopped his chant by cutting his sword in half. He gasped. Sapphire roared. YOU DESTROYED HIS GOLDEN SWORD! THE SWORD IS LINKED TO ALL OF US! ALL OF THE DRAGONS! I turned to Sapphire. She was falling down, moaning. I gasped. “Please! Fix the sword! Fix it with your magic!” He shook his head. “This sword.. No magic can even come close to touching it. Unless we break the bond. The magic bond. I fear, I must call the creator of the sword. She is quite vile. Fearless. She would destroy you. So I must go. After I rest.” He walked toward the temple entrance. “NO! I cannot allow you to just walk off like that. You could be killing all the dragons!” I heard the Elf Master chuckle. “The sword barely does anything to the dragons! I mean, for two days they will be in grave pain. But, that is not my problem.” I growled and shouted “WHAT ABOUT YOUR DRAGON? I DOUBT HE WILL BE HAPPY IN THIS DECISION!” The Elf Master sighed and said, “I cannot walk that far.. I am tired. The magic takes a piece of your energy.” He turned to me. “I will send you there. Take my second sword. You will need it.” He walked over and grabbed a sword made of dragon scales. “How the heck?” The Elf Master sighed. “A young boy came here, carrying scales. I have had this for a long time, never bothering to use it. The boy said, ‘I found a dead dragon! He was.. Roting. His scales were still healthy! I cut them off and bring them here. For you!” The Elf Master’s sword fell into my hands. He looked up at me, a tear rolling down his flat and wrinkled cheeks. “Hey.. You look like him.. If only you were a little shorter.” He smiled at me, and I smiled back. “I will go now then..” He nodded at me and turned to head to bed. I quickly ran down the stairs, Sapphire flying in circles around me. You worried about him, aren’t you? Yes.. He seems a little freaked out. He said he was tired, but when we battled he was all jolly and.. Well.. Not tired. I think I may of broke him. Sapphire snorted and said, Broke him? Ha! You could barely fight! I saw your hand shaking! Hey. Why was he shouting random words out loud? Oh. That? It’s been here for a long time. You see, us dragons learn new ways to fight, and they have different names. I think we learned one already. You know, the spinning and the fire? We call that a Fire Spin. Cool right? Yeah. I guess.
I nodded at the guard that was guarding the gate to the temple and nodded at the Elf Master’s temple. He nodded back, understanding and opened the gate. I walked in and noticed two elfs speaking english. I walked over. “Hey, um. Do you know where a blacksmith works?” The elves nodded and said “Take a right through that alley. You will end up there soon.” I raised my finger to thank them but they just turned to each other and counted talking.
I walked through the alley, trying to remember the directions. “Lets see. He said something about taking a right? Or was it a left?” I continued walking until I got to a dead end. I turned both ways. I could either turn left, or right. “Uh.. Sapphire? Could you fly up and see where we need to go?” Sapphire puffed. Nope. Not enough space for me to spread my wings. You have to remember what he said! I sighed and said “Umm.. How about.. Left? Wait no! RIGHT!” I quickly turned right, Sapphire following. “I don’t see anything.. Maybe we went the wrong way? Lets just turn back and.. WAIT! I hear clanking!” CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! I turned to the direction the clanking was coming from. “Over there!” I pointed to a little shop saying “Blacksmith.” In black, dirty letters. I ran to it, and Sapphire growled. I turned around. “What?” She growled and nudged toward a elf. He was standing outside the shop, with a weapon. I think we got some trouble. I know, he most likely just bought it, but I think I hear screaming… It’s.. It’s so loud.. Something.. Is happening inside.. We have to find out what it is! It could be the Blacksmith, perhaps he hit himself? First of all, it’s a her. Second, I think you should lower your guard a little. I mean, sure we're in a dark creepy alley and we see a scary elf holding a sword guarding the door. So what? Lets just go. She puffed a warning, but followed me anyway.


Chapter 13 Blacksmith goes rouge

“Hey you! Get outta here! Your not aloud here. Oh. That sword.. Didn’t the blacksmith make that? Give me it!” The elf lunged at me, but I unleashed the sword and jumped to the side. “Stop! We need the blacksmith! It’s important!” He lunged at me, his tiny little grubby hands reaching for the blade. “You cannot talk to the blacksmith! She is currently.. Going through something!” I growled as he reached for his sword. He unleashed it and shouted “GIVE IT!” He tried to knock the sword out of my hand but I broke it in half. You have a problem. Breaking so many swords in half! It’s not me! The sword.. It’s so.. Powerful! He gasped and cried. “STOP IT!! STOP IT!! I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE TAKEN AWAY!” I put the sword away and said “What do you mean?” The little elf wiped his tears away and said “They are forcing me! The Blacksmith has gone rouge! She will create such vile swords, and nothing can stop them!” I gasped. “Go home young one.” He looked up at me, his lips shaking. “I don’t have one.. They b.. Burnt it down along with my family..” I shook my head. “Follow me.” He nodded and scurried after me.
We went back into the alley and I crouched down. “Hey.. Listen.. I will get you your family back. Well, I mean revenge your family. But I need to know, is there anyway I can get to the blacksmith?” The little elf shook his head. “They have already left. They told me.. They told me to guard.. They said someone will come and get me to bring me to them.. But they lie, don’t they? They are dirty, sword building, lies!” He kicked a rock, crying again.
“Listen, I need to know if there is another human near here. Do you know?” The little elf nodded. “ Once you get to the main fountain.. Go up the hill.. You will find a hut.. Go inside.. He will be there. And so will she.” I looked at him confused. “What do you-” There was a big bang. A deep voice came out with a shadow following it. “Oh little elf? Come out come out.. We are here!” The little elf jumped up. “They are evil. Please save me!” He bent down behind my leg. “Get behind Sapphire. I got this.

Chapter 14:
A new ally.

“Leave him alone!” I shouted, my blade clashing with the elf’s. “No! Get outta here!” The elf jumped at me, sending my sword flying back at Sapphire. The elf laughed. “Shouldn’t mess with us, kid.” He raised his sword, and swiped at me. “STOP!” The elf turned. The little elf smiled. The elf gasped. “Junior! Get over here!” He shook his head. He charged at the elf, killing him. I gasped. “Wow.. Junior ey? Well. Let's go.”
“Up there is the hut. I must go. They will be looking for me. Thank you stranger.” He smiled and laid the sword in my hands. Then he ran away, not even looking back. I turned to Sapphire. “Time to go girl. Let's go.” I ran up the hill, hoping that the elf was right.
I rung the doorbell, thinking that someone would answer. No one is home perhaps. Maybe they are gone? Or the elf lied to us? Doubt it. I mean, we just saved his life. And he saved ours. Maybe they are just.. Not home? But then the door opened. A man, who seemed to be around 20 to 30 years old smiled and said “Ah. A human? With a dragon? Please, please come in!”
I looked around. “Where can Sapphire stay?” The man looked at me. “The dragon? I have a room outside she can stay in. It’s big enough for two dragons. I normally have parties in there, but whatever. It’s rare for me to do a party anyway.” I nodded at Sapphire but she grunted and walked away.
“So, what brings you here?” The man sat down on a chair and tapped a table telling me to sit down with him. I dragged one of his wooden chairs over to the table and sat down. “Careful, don’t want to touch that baby food!” He smiled and grabbed his rag to clean it up. “Um. Why do you have baby food?” His smile faded away and he sighed. “Well, a long time ago, I was married.. Me and my wife moved here, with a baby. Soon, goblins raided and they found our house. They took my wife and killed her in the town hall. Everyone tried to comfort me but I said no.. Then I moved up here, away from everyone else!” He threw his hands up and smiled. “Wait, so you still have the baby?” He put his hands down and nodded. “I yelled to her in town hall a promise. I will make the baby grow a peaceful life.” I was going to ask another question but I was interrupted by crying. He stood up. “The baby woke. Sorry.” He quickly ran out of the tiny room, into another.
He came back with a baby in his arms. He placed the baby down on the table and sat down. “Her name is Lucy.” He said smiling. Lucy crawled over to be and made gurgling noises. I smiled and tickled her. She laughed and crawled down into my lap. I started to play with her. “She has taken a quick liking to you. To be honest, you kinda look like her, except the whole different gender thing.” I smiled and put Lucy onto the table where she sat down and made happy gurgling noises, stuffing her fingers in her mouth, and rolling around. “Everyone says that about me.”
The guy nodded and said “I suppose we don’t know each other's names? I’m Chris. How are you?” He held his hand out. I shook it and said “I’m Lukas, and I’m fine. Anyway, I need to talk to you about something urgent.” He nodded. “I need you to come with me on an adventure. We will fight goblins, befriend dwarfs, and defeat Zahook. Not only that, but fix the Elf Master’s golden sword.” Chris frowned for the first time and in a gruff voice said “Listen kid, I would love to join you but I need to make sure the baby is okay, and doesn’t die or anything.” Lucy crawled over and made a excited gurgle. “I’m pretty sure Lucy wants to come too.” I said, smiling. Chris sighed and said “Alright, but on one condition.” I nodded. “What?” He leaned back in his chair and said “You must let me kill the goblins.” I frowned, then remembering how much I needed him I nodded. “Then you got yourself a deal!” He smiled and picked up Lucy. “I must put her to bed now. Whenever a visitor comes by, she starts crying because she wants to know them. You know, you're the first visitor I’ve had in 6 months? Plus, you're also the only visitor my little Lucy ever liked!” He tickled her belly and kissed her forehead. She laughed and kissed his hand back.
I closed the door, smiling. Sapphire walked by and said How was it? I guess you could say… IT WAS A TOTAL SUCCESS! Hey, I didn’t see you in the room. Where were you? She grunted and said I flew over to the Elf Master. He taught me how to see through your eyes. Apparently, all dragons have to do is believe. Sadly, humans have to go through training from two days to around ten days, depending on how fast you learn it. I groaned and said “Hey, by the way, could you carry me, a 26 year old man, and a baby?”



Chapter 15:
A new journey

“Hold on a sec.. Just gotta put Lucy in this.. Wait.. LUCY STOP MOVING! No.. You can’t go to Lukas.. Stop.. Lucy.. Don’t.. Lucy don’t.. So close.. Last leg.. Yes! All done!” Lucy was wearing pink PJ’s and a little hat. I rolled my eyes and turned to Sapphire. Sapphire. This guy! He is so.. Neat? I'm not surprised. You're not a neat person so you would have a problem. I rolled my eyes harder at Sapphire and turned back to Chris. “Ready?” Chris nodded and picked up Lucy. Lucy started crying, pointing at me making gurgling noises. Chris smiled. “She wants you to carry her.”
I placed Lucy on Sapphire’s back, where she sat on the saddle, which I made bigger, tightly but carefully being held by her father. She started tugging on the saddle, but her father stopped her by playing around with her. Chris looked down at me as I gave him my book bag. He put it in front of him, while Lucy pulled on the straps. “Are you sure about this? We never rode a dragon before.” Sapphire puffed in disrespect. I stroked her head and said “Don’t worry. I have a Elf making a safe strap you can tie Lucy and yourself on.”
The elf came running up the hill, looking at Sapphire, making sure he didn’t touch her. The elf looked up at me and gave me the straps. He spoke fast. “Just strap it onto them, and the baby will be safe. Take this sword as honor from our village. Give it to the man.” Then he ran off before I could thank him.
I gave Chris the straps. He tightened the straps on him and Lucy and then I gave him the blade. Lucy giggled and reached for the blade, her hands opening and closing. Chris put the blade in his bag, shaking his finger. “Tsk tsk tsk! You know the blade is bad! Bad baby! Bad baby!” Lucy started screaming and crying. “Oh I’m sorry!” Chris said quickly looking into his bag for her toy.
I reached up and unstrapped Lucy and Chris. I climbed up and took Lucy in my hands. “Shh little baby, don’t say a word. Lukas has got you! Don’t cry!” I tickled Lucy and she started gurgling and laughing.
“You ready Chris?” Chris stared at Lucy and then nodded. “You're worried about her, aren’t you?” Chris nodded again. “She shouldn’t be traveling like this. I shouldn’t be traveling like this. YOU SHOULDN’T BE TRAVELING LIKE THIS!” His voice rose so high Lucy started crying again. “Oh shush!” Chris said angrily at Lucy. Lucy cried louder and yelled “GA BOO!” Chris rolled his eyes and said “Hurry up and let's go.” I nodded and singled him to pass me my bag. I pulled out a bottle of milk I made in the hut incase Chris ran out and gave it to Lucy.
Lucy did a sigh of relief telling me she was okay and that we could take off. I stroked Sapphire’s head and she flew off. Chris yelled, reaching for me. “Calm down! This is only like my third time. Anyway, Sapphire knows what she is doing.” Chris continued yelling, and through the wind he managed to say “I hate flying!! Now move back a bit so I can grab you!” Sapphire grunted and did a barrel roll. Lucy giggled and threw her hands up, letting go of the straps.
I quickly tightened the straps and held Lucy tightly. She continued to laugh. Chris yelled and grabbed Sapphire’s scales, climbing up her body so he could grab my shoulder. “Tell you dragon to stop, or I’ma barf! And if she counties, it’ll land on her head!” Sapphire did a disgusted groan and stopped, but kept on going faster and faster, heading straight for the Goblins Forest.


Chapter 16:
Goblin trouble

“Tell the Sergeant to send another Patrol. I got message that someone is creeping about. “Побързайте! Побързайте!” The Goblin General marched off, hoping he would catch the intruders. I turned to the rest and whispered “Chris, make sure Lucy stays quite. Sapphire should be in the base by now.” Chris nodded and wrapped the sleeping Lucy in a cloth. I turned back to the base and looked around carefully. There were three guards near all the towers. Inside each tower was a archer, with a huge light looking around. Chris walked up to me softly. “It’s like a prison here. If Lucy gets hit..” I turned to Chris and carefully took Lucy. Chris growled but I ignored him. “Hey! I spotted them! 2nd salog. Maghulat dili. ako nagpasabut ummm, oh! Kabalo ko! Ang tulay!” Goblins groaned and said “Stop speaking Cebuano! Just speak ENGLISH!” I heard a groan and then someone shouted “THE BRIDGE! GO TO THE BRIDGE!” I turned to Chris as I saw spears flying near his back. Lucy woke up and touch the hilt of the spear. “No Lucy! Shh Lucy, don’t touch anything!” Chris whispered looking around.
I grabbed Chris’s shoulder with one hand when he was about to yell “RUN FOR IT!” I gave him Lucy and whispered “No. We put stay put, or else Sapphire won’t be able to find us in this forest.” Lucy ripped a piece of a leaf and said “Ga boo! Ga ga!” She started dashing the leaf around like it was a sword. I gasped and said “Get your sword! We're going to fight them off.”
  
						Last edited by Panda11; 05-10-2018 at 12:56 AM.
					
					 Reason: Found some broken things.
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Old 05-24-2018, 02:51 AM View Post #2 (Link) My critique
Rosie1213 (Offline)
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Hi! First I just want to say I haven’t read Eragon, so I don’t know any characters/situations etc.

Have you ever felt like riding a huge bird? Or at least flying in the air? I have. And well, I might as well not say it. Here is my tale: I like this type of intro, but you could make it more of a hook by putting something after this sentence (ex. And let me tell you, lots of things can go wrong).


CHAPTER 1:
A Rough Beginning

I was woken by the bells at church ringing. In the church? From outside? This is a great opportunity for some details to build the setting.
My step-brother ran up the stairs and said “Today, the Traders are coming. Uncle has gone out searching for things to trade. You might notice things around the house gone.” He handed me a bow and a full bag of arrows. “Go hunt us some food.” He looked outside the small window in my room. “To make sure that even if we don’t make a lot, we still have at least some food.” This line is a bit awkward
He went down stairs. “Make sure to catch some deer for breakfast! And don’t forget rabbits for lunch!” He called out from downstairs. I groaned and hopped up from the bed. Since I was the youngest, they bossed me around most of the time. And since I knew how to work a bow and arrow more than anyone else, I always did all the hunting.
I opened up the house door and went outside and called out “HELLO EVERYONE!” Of course, like normal no one replied. I went behind the house and filled a bucket with water. I grabbed my stick that had hair on it. We called it a ‘toothbrush.’ Well, at least my uncle does. Me and my stepbrother call it a ‘Dirt Brush.’ I dipped the Dirt Brush in the water and brushed my teeth. I turned around. I heard something run in the leaves. I grinned and dropped my Dirt Brush in the bucket.
I ran over there, but soon saw two Hunters following. They looked at me and shot an arrow at me. I gasped and ducked quickly. I ran towards the leaves where I saw the animal run. I shot an arrow at one of the Hunters. He fell, holding his heart. His middle finger and index finger around the arrow. The other hunter looked at his dead brother and looked up at me. This is confusing. Why did he shoot at you? Why did you shoot back? Is this a regular thing?
Through his mask I could tell he was mad. A knife came at me, in blazing speed. I quickly dove into the bushes. I leaned my head out the side and shot a arrow. The hunter grabbed his neck, and yanked the arrow out. He aimed a arrow at me, but then aimed up and shot it. He fell, a pool of blood under him. His and his brother’s blood mixed. I sighed, holding my arm. The knife had made a small cut in my arm and my shirt. I picked up a leaf and the piece of my cut off shirt and tied the leaf onto my arm.
I went through the bush and gasped. A diamond encrusted rock! And it was huge too! I picked it up and put it in the space in my bag. It was heavy, but I ran home with it.
overall this chapter is pretty good. It could use some more description to help set the scene.

Chapter 2:
Rabbit To Bear.
“Hey! Guess what! I got around 1 thousand Gold Coins here!” My step-brother and uncle rushed over. “What? How do you know? You can’t even read!” My uncle cried at me. He sat at a table, and started counting the money.
An hour later me and Jack, my step brother, heard my uncle yelling, (and he ruined our game of “War”,) “TWELVE THOUSAND GOLD COINS!” We rushed downstairs, I tripped and fell bumping my head like crazy. I didn’t care. I looked at the cash. Twelve thousand? The only amount I ever heard of was two hundred! I grabbed a stack. “You got yourself 100 there! Go buy us some bear! Two bears, in fact!” He gave me another hundred. I ran out the door, not even saying “Yes, sir!” I headed to the Butcher's house. I pointed at his only two bears. “I want them both!” The Butcher laughed at me. “You? Can afford that? HA! The only thing you could buy is the rabbit!” He put a rabbit down. “Give me your 50 silver coins and skedaddle.”
I shook my head. I flashed the two hundred gold coins in his face. The money giggled in the bag. “Both the bears. Or no.” He grabbed the coins and slammed both the bears down. I put 50 silver coins on the table. “I will be taking the rabbit as well.” I struggled to carry the bears and the rabbit, but he said that the wagons are free. Then he tried to quickly switch it up by saying “Oh, wait never mind. We changed it to 50 Gold Coins. Pay up please.” He held his hand out. I took out my bow and grabbed an arrow. He quickly put his hand down and said “Never mind!” He pointed at the wagon. I placed the bears and rabbit down and the horses took off.
Even though the source of the coins is hidden from your family, you do need to say something about getting them from the hunters or it’s very confusing for the reader. The rest of this chapter is good, although I would add some characterization to the uncle and step brother. And this is totally personal preference, but I think it would be cool if you came up with a name for the different coins, just a little creative touch.

Chapter 3:
A New Life Was Born

“Where did you get this fat stack of coins?” Asked Uncle, waving the bag of coins around around. We were eating all the bear I bought. “Uh..” Should I tell them the truth? I think they can wait. “Well?” My Uncle’s impatience voice brought me back. “Uhh, you see. I saw a deer in the forest and I wanted to kill it for us.. And well.. Two hunters came and attacked me and I killed them.. They dropped the fat stack and well.. I took it.” My Uncle looked at me amazed, and then shook his head. He bit into the bear’s leg. Some screamed from outside “THEY ARE COMING!” We ran outside and stared at the man. I looked around. People were leaving their houses two. “THE TRADERS ARE COMING!” A bell ringed twice. It means what he said was true. “HURRY! GRAB THOSE BAGS AND DRAG EM OUTSIDE!” I dragged the bags outside, and Jack followed. “Jack, help me trade with people. Lukas, go upstairs. You are too young for this.” I sighed and obeyed. I muttered “Yes sir.. Whatever sir..” I felt a deep pain in my back. I fell in the dirt. “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” Uncle’s angry voice was followed by another deep pain in my back. I turned. He was whipping me with a stick. “I said.. Yes, sir!” He hit me again and said “GET UP!” I stood up and ran inside. I charged up to my room and tripped on the huge rock. “FISH STICKS!” I shouted, falling onto my bed. I turned at the rock. It cracked! Oh no.. Oh no.. Don’t crack please! Then I heard a voice inside my head. Why shouldn’t I? I mean, the egg. Anyway, your room is really small Lukas. I looked around. “WHO'S THERE?” No one responded. In my mind I said it again. WHO'S THERE?? I am. Who are you? I am the dragon. From the egg. Dragon? Egg? You mean rock? Rock, egg. Whatever. Fetch me some milk please.This chapter is pretty confusing. The reader still doesn’t really know who the traders are, and it’s hard to tell if the family is terrified of them or excited. It’s also unclear if the story you give for the gold is true or not. As well, the uncle hitting you is completely out of left field because there’s nothing earlier to indicate that behaviour in his character. You might also want to make a new way to indicate the dragon’s words.


Chapter 4: A New Life Is Borntoo similar to the last chapter
Heres your milk. Much thanked. I groaned and said, What gender are you? The baby dragon looked at me, like I was stupid. A tiny flame came out her mouth, and landed on my shirt. I yelled “CARROTS!” And put it out. A boy? The dragon did it again and said Girl! Can’t you tell by the voice? Woops. I sighed. What am I going to do? Tell Jack and Uncle I have a FEMALE baby dragon in my room? Forgetting she could hear me, she said Oh. You lie? Well that isn’t that surprising. Anyway, tomorrow you are going to learn how to fly! I grow quickly. We all do. You humans are quite slow. What do you mean? You're my owner now. Only you can hear my voice. Of course, other dragons can as well. You see, tomorrow I will be big enough to lift you, your step-brother, and you uncle! I gasped. Well then you're going OUTSIDE! During trade time? Don’t think so. Oh-ho-ho. You're going! I picked her up and rushed her outside. I dipped her in the well. There's enough room for you to grow. Stop! Bring me up now! No! You can move around and grow in there. The well is quite wide. When I was a little baby, I fell down three times. We had to move the house forward. Her laugh and snorting echoed through the well. I groaned and looked up. The sun was going down. Traders were leaving. I saw Uncle’s and Jack’s depressed faces. I sighed and went through the house from the back. I went up the house, to my bedroom and sighed again. I knew we didn’t make a lot. We were considered the “Poorest Family Around.” I laid in my bed and was about to go to sleep when this happened. Hey! You left me! Rude! I groaned. Hey, It’s okay that your parents didn’t make anything. And it doesn’t look like the bed is so.. Comfy. I was moving around fixing the hay. How do you know? I can look through your eyes. And you can look through mine. I mean, we both need training. I can barely see anything! It blinds me when I do it. I hope we can see the Elf Master soon.. An elf master? What the heck? What do you mean? Ugh. So many questions. You see, the Elf Master has a golden dragon.. He also carries a golden sword. He knows EVERYTHING about dragons. Expect how we came to be. Oh. Well then. Night. Night. “Hey.. Ugh.. We didn’t make much. Go ahead and uh.. Go to sleep.. Umm.. Love ya.” Jack walked and then walked out. Uncle came in. “Sorry son.. We didn’t get much.. I know you most likely don’t like me calling you son but.. Yeah.. I’ll go..” My mind snapped. I stopped him. “But remember, we still have Twelve thousand..” He smiled at me. “Eleven thousand and eight hundred.” He hugged me and said “Night.” I said it back and closed my eyes.
The characterization and details are better here, but the formatting makes it nearly impossible to tell who is speaking and you could use some more descriptions of what you are thinking between dialogue.




Chapter 5:
My First Flight

Wakey-wakey sleepy head. Your brother is coming. If he picks me up.. I sprung up and ran down the stairs. I yelled “WAIT!” Jack turned. “Uh.. I want to get the water. Remember, I have to do everything?” He looked at me like I was sick. Then he just shrugged and pointed his Dirt Brush at the empty bucket. “After you.” I nodded and grabbed my Dirt Brush that was hanging on the wall. I hanged the bucket and rolled it down. I heard a plop at the end. Watch the tail! Can you splash some water in? Watch the tail! She shouted again. I heard splashes and when I brought the bucket up it was filled with water. I looked down. She was in there, making light. How?Her entire head poked out the water. “Hurry up! Gotta go hunting with ya today.” I groaned and placed the bucket down. I took some leaf bits and dipped it in the water. Then I started scrubbing. I looked around.
Another dear? No.. Oh no.. “Jack? Jack! The army! They found us!” Jack turned to me. “What?” I pointed. There was a Army, holding bows and swords. I ran to the church bell and Jack ran inside the house getting our daggers and bows. I rung it five times. Everyone came outside with a type of weapon. I continued ringing it until everyone was out. “THEY FOUND US!!! TAKE COVER!! PROTECT THE CHILDREN AND WOMEN!!” Yells went around as I ran downstairs. Jack gave me a bow and some arrows, then a dagger and a sword. I smiled. Someone grabbed Jack’s arm. “Help me get my three kids and wife into the carriage. Please.” Jack nodded and followed the man.
An arrow was shot. It went flying towards the house! The house burned. I heard my uncle screaming “HELP!” I turned to the house. My uncle’s head was out my bedroom window. The house was falling. “HELP!!” I ran over. I turned to the Army man that was smiling at the burning house. I shot an arrow at him. He fell. Another one came over and charged at me with his blade. I grabbed my sword out my belt and hit his with it. Our swords clanged over and over again. I jumped back when he swiped at my feet. I threw my sword up and he smiled. He was going to strike me but the sword landed in his foot. He yelled and cursed. I took out my dagger and stabbed it in his heart. Before he fell, he threw a dagger at me. It hit my arm, but gladdy it hit the leaf that I put on before. The leaf was the only thing that got hit. I grabbed my sword and my dagger and turned to the house. Uncle was still yelling. He threw money at me. I turned around. All the men were taking on the Army. I jumped up and caught the gold coins. I ran into the burning house, coughing. “What are you doing here? Get out! Your little lungs can’t handle this!” I responded with a deep cough, meaning “I’m not stupid.” He said “Clearly you are.” I looked out the window and saw a pile of bodies there. We had won the first battle. I grabbed my uncle and we jumped. Then I realized, the body's had armor on! Explain why this is important
Oh no. Hey, are you still there? SAVE US! No one responded. I braced my uncle, putting him behind me. A huge whooshing sound came. And soon, before I knew it, I was flying. My uncle still screaming, and the wind taking my hair up. I dove down, or at least the dragon did. We landed on the ground, my uncle wheezing like a pig. Everyone just stared. What a messed up village. Is that a burning house? I turned to her. Why didn’t you respond when I called you? She made a confusing grunt. I did. I saved you. Isn’t that enough? I rolled my eyes and turned to the whole village. I counted them in my head. 10 were missing. One of the wives who lost their husband turned to the forest. They were making graves for her husbands. And I said graves because she had been married 9 times. All 9 men died. One kid, her only kid, died. People placed food and clothing and comfort things by her door. She turned to me. A tear ran down her bony cheeks. Hey. Are you ready to leave? Yeah. Why? Were leaving today. But for now we have to make you look like a stray dragon. Fly up and fly in one direction. A safe one. Just, perch outside the forest. Okay. Call for me later, master. Don’t have to call me master. The wind made me cover my eyes. She flew off, toward the forest. I turned to the crying lady, who other ladies were trying to comfort her. I looked at the pile of dead army soldiers. We had won the first battle.
I like the description here, but it could use more tension. If this is a recurring thing, you could express the pain your characters feel. You should also describe the army more. Was the village ready? We’re the army men in formation? You keep saying “the first battle” but nowhere has there been any indication that this is a war, so you could explain that further.


Chapter 7:
A Life is loss.

“Will he be okay?” I shook the nurse’s sister, who was guarding uncle’s little room. “Yes, now calm down. He only took some burns. He will have to wait a little be healed.” I sighed and sat down. I had to change the day of when I left, after our town spies said the army will be coming again. Also, my uncle was badly hurt. I turned to Jack. He was shaking his head hardly, hoping the worst wasn't true. I turned to the deck of cards we had used to play war with. I spilt it in half and gave him one half. He smiled. “GO!” We shouted at the same time. I put down a 2 and so did he. We smiled. “One two three four, war!” We both put down five cards. We turned over the last one and I grabbed all the cards. I had an A and he had a King. “The A beats all!” I said cracking up. He groaned and then the nurse came. I got up quickly. So did Jack. “You uncle so far has made it.” She looked down and whispered “He only has three more days. The sparks fell in his mouth, burning almost everything. We were able to get them out before it reached his heart. I am so so sorry boys.” I turned to Jack, not believing this news. He just picked up the cards and ran out the room. I looked down. A tear from where he was standing appeared. I wiped my tears. “NO! YOUR LYING! HE WILL LIVE!” I ran out the room, pushing past the nurse’s sister. I saw Jack by the house, searching through the rumage. I ran over. “What are you looking for?” He ignored me. Then after looked he sighed and stood up. Through his cracked up voice, he said “For. For the money.. So we can get far away from this place.” I pulled out the money. He turned and gasped. He grabbed it and said “Were leaving!” I shook my head. “No. You will stay. I know I am the youngest, but you must watch over Uncle. If you do not he will… Die.” He looked at me angrily. I knew he wanted to leave. And so did I. Um. Lukas? What? Me and my brother are having a moment. And you're interrupting it. Not really. What do you mean? Another group of the Army is coming. Ugh, so soon? Yep. I turned to Jack. He was walking back to the hut. I looked down. He left the money at my feet. I picked it up and called out “JACK! THE ARMY MIGHT COME SOON! WE MUST BE PREPARED!” He turned to me. He wiped his tears and nodded. After everyone was out, another fiery arrow was shot. you might want to describe more here how the uncle’s death will impact your characters.

I rolled onto the ground, dodging it. I jumped up and shot an arrow at it and they collided. The fiery arrow hit the ground. I turned. The man shooting the arrows was mad. He shot one at me. I charged it and jumped up. I should of rolled, because the arrow hit me. I yelled loudly. I turned to Jack. He was rushing over with a bucket. He splashed the bucket on me, taking out the fire. He carefully took out the arrow and shot it back with my bow. The arrow curved and landed in the tree. He groaned and grabbed my dagger. He aimed and shot it. It twirled and landed in his heart. He collapsed. I looked around. All the houses were burning. I listened to the cries of the women and the children. Crying for help. I grabbed my arrows and rapidly shot them. Each man fell down, followed by a pool of blood. I reached for another arrow, but I had no more. One man was left. He smiled at me. Jack ran for more arrows, but was grabbed by a man, asking for help. And then a voice came from the forest, coming closer. “I am the chief of this squad. Of course, they didn’t think a foolish boy like you would kill them. Well, you can join them now.” The deep voice was followed by him grabbing the hilt of his sword. He yanked it out and drew it. I drew mine, but I didn’t know how to use it correctly. Last time, was a lucky time. He charged at me, quickly disarming me. I turned. My dagger was in an army man’s heart. I ran for it, but was stopped by the Chief hitting me. I tripped. Are you still there? Yeah. But apparently some goblins heard the commotion. It will be a while before I arrive. I groaned and dodged another swipe of his blade. Where are you? Peak. Cargoes Peak. That far? Alright. I will run. I grabbed my sword from the ground and hit the Chief. The Chief rolled on the ground, holding his leg. I got up ran into the forest.
This chapter is good, but I might add something about lukas’ reaction to his brother.


Chapter 8:
Leaving Home.

I jumped over the branches. Did you handle the Goblins? Yes. I am coming towards the village. It seems everyone is dead. You handled that well. Oh wait, that old lady is still alive. Shut it. Listen, turn around and head halfway towards the Peak. You will see me running. Okay. I will try. I ducked when the Chief tried to behead me. I rolled and flung off a branch. I stabbed the Chief in the back. He yelled and fell. “Wow. That was.. Surprising?” I heard a roar and I ducked. The dragon flew over my head. She landed on top of a mountain. There is no place for me to land. You will have to climb up here. Okay. Be there soon. I climbed up the mountain, looking back at the village. I sighed. Jack, Uncle, and everyone else was counting on me. And I fled. Like a coward. This choice still haunts me.
I struggled to get up, but right when I was about to get up, the rock I was using as support broke. I yelled. The dragon flew down and caught me before we were so low she couldn’t fit her wings in the tiny space the trees left her. She landed back up on the mountain. Careful there. I cleaned off some dust from my pants. Thank you. She grunted. How far away is this, “Elf Master?” The Elf Master? Not sure. Do you happen to have a map of the world with you? I sighed. Yeah. Before the house was burnt down. She looked down at me and rested her head on the floor. She got into a sleeping pose. It will be night soon. We must get some rest. I nodded and rolled onto her belly. Her back had scales, making it hard to sleep, but she adjusted herself so it would feel nice. She wrapped her head around me, creating a safe blanket. I rubbed her head. Good night… Sapphire. She did a confused grunt, then a understanding sigh. Night.


Chapter 9:
The Desert of Tut

Rise and shine Lukas. I groaned and stretched. What time is it? Around 12 AM. WHAT? It’s way too early! I got up. We need to get up early. Unless you want to go untrained, late in the morning, FIGHTING GOBLINS! I looked at her and shook my head. I searched around in my bag and grabbed some leather I was going to use for hunting before the Army men raided. To be honest, I never really understood Zahook. The king of the Army. Apparently, he wants money. More land. He owns half of Roma, our land. This is too sudden, needs more context.
I spreaded the leather on Sapphire’s back and sat on it. “Could use a little more softness.. But I can make it work.” I dragged the bag back onto my back and told her, Let’s go Sapphire. Far away from this war land. To the.. Elf Master.. She grunted an “HOORA!” and flew off.
I grabbed the water bottle out my bag and drunk the remainings of it. We were almost at the Desert of Tut. Tut was a great emperor, until Zahook took over. The tale says Zahook breached the front of the temple with his best men, which was half of the army, and the other half raiding the back end of the great temple, stealing everything. Zahook was able to destroy Tut while destroying his men. No one knows why he is so angry or violent. All he does is kill!
I looked down. “Hey. I see a spot to land.” I pointed at the land. Well. I just figured out how to understand you when you talk out loud. Sadly we can’t land there. It is taken by Goblins. Well, I should say Dwarfs. The Dwarfs don’t mind dragons, but this group was taken over by the Goblins. I can tell from the Bar that just so happens to be sitting there. They will destroy us if they see me with you. I will land a little away from it. You must walk from there. I nodded and pointed at a spot a little away from it. Sapphire dove down and landed. “Thanks. Wish me luck.” She grunted.
I walked over to the Dwarfs. They were about half the size of me. I reached down to tap one of them on the shoulder. He looked up at me. “Хей! oащо ме докосваш?” I backed off. “Той ме докосвай! Хвани го!” Dwarfs charged at me, but one said, “СПРИ СЕ! Той ли е шефът? аз съм.” The Dwarf looked up at me. “Sorry about that. They speak Bulgarian.” He made them back off. “What brings you here, young fellow?” I looked at the Dwarf that was angry at me. He muttered something and whacked another Dwarf in the head. “Do you hate dragons?” My voice went down to a whisper. His went down to. “Well.. I’m suppose to. But I don’t. Oh no.. The Goblins are coming soon. May I get you a drink so I don’t end up like паток? The Goblins murdered him. “Ужасно .. ужасно!” I nodded. “Uh.. One Кока Кола?” He nodded and slammed a drink down. “Here's your Кока Кола.” I thanked him and drunk it. “Hooah Hooah Kita mao ang mga maligno Hooah.” The Dwarf looked around. “That is the Goblin chant! EVERYONE! CLEAN!” He looked at me. “YOU TWO!!” I got down under the table and grabbed the rag he gave me. I started scrubbing. The goblin looked at the Dwarf. “Hey. You. The Chief Dwarf. Какво е това момче, правиш тук?” He pointed at me. So he’s the Chief? And he likes dragons? Confusing. Sapphire, do not come. The Goblins have arrived. ‘About 20 of em.
The Chief Dwarf looked at me, scared. I read his eyes. “Help.. He is scary!” He looked back at the Goblin and said “Хм .. Той искаше да работи за малко! Работа, работа и работа!” The Goblin looked at me. I nodded and scrubbed. “You speak Bulgarian?” I nodded then shook my head. “A little, sir.” The Goblin laughed. He turned to his men. “siya dili mosulti sa ilang pinulongan! Haha!” All the other Goblins laughed. I groaned. Sapphire? Get here now. And burn all theses Goblins! No one replied.
It seems I was mistaken. She did reply. A huge whooshing sound came, and the Goblins screamed. Fire covered them. “GET THE WATER!! ВОДА !!!!!” The Dwarfs just laughed and said “Good job Human Boy. You did it.” I looked at the Dwarf. “Ah. You confused? We talk English to. This whole thing was a test. We knew you had a dragon at first sight. We saw you circling around us. You are brave boy. I get Wise Dwarf to help you.” The Dwarf ran off, as fast as his little legs took him. Which was apparently really far and fast. Another Dwarf came. “You seek my wisdom? Let’s see.. You are a boy from the Unknown town. The Army raided twice, and you fled like a.. A coward when everyone was trusting you. Your step-brother, crying at your destroyed house because when you left they took everything. Even your uncle’s life. And now, you and your dragon, Sapphire, wishes to find the Elf Master for them to help you. And you need my help for directions.” My jaw dropped. How did he know? I had no idea either. I’m just dumbfounded. I nodded. “Fly North from here. Then take a left at the Slingshot tree. You will meet twelve Elf guards. Say the Wise Dwarf sent you. You must walk after the Slingshot tree though. Or Sapphire and you will be hurt.” I nodded and walked towards Sapphire. The Wise Dwarf lowered his voice, and all I heard was “Boy.. Brother… Going.. Evil…” I just shrugged and left. That was a nice convocation. Well, I got the directions. We shall set off after Dawn. I went through the little tunnel Sapphire made for me, and touched the scales on her head. “We will Sapphire.. We will.” This chapter is pretty good. Just remember that you have to change paragraph every time a new person speaks, which should make it a lot clearer. Also, with all these directions being given, I think it would help to reiterate what Lukas is trying to do and why it’s so important. That will also make the reader connect with him more.




Chapter 10:
The Trouble.


At this time we arrived at the slingshot tree. I patted Sapphire. “You can rest now. We must walk from here.” Sapphire nodded and landed on the land before the tree. I climbed off. I walked with Sapphire. “Hey sən! Burada gətirir? Oh Bir oğlan istəyirik, gözləyin. Sorry about that young one. I am the Secret Keeper. I am going to have to ask you to leave, or we will use force.” I turned to Sapphire. She puffed out a cloud of smoke. I coughed and said, “The Wise Dwarf sent us. We want to be trained by the Elf Master.” They looked at each other. One said “O, bir dragon var. Biz Onun vasitəsilə imkan olmalıdır.” The other elves nodded. “Okay. We will take you. If you show us your power. Come. Walk with me.” A dragon came out of the bushes and followed the elf. I turned to Sapphire and she was already following them. I ran after them.
The elf jumped on his dragon and the dragon rose to a battling hight. I jumped onto Sapphire and Sapphire rose to match them. The elf shouted “BEGIN!” Sapphire charged and the Elves dragon flew up. Sapphire chased. Don’t follow. Dive down and head forward then flip around. Sapphire dived down and flipped around, shooting fire around us. The Elf and the dragon was hit, flying down. The Elf jumped off the dragon and the dragon steadied itself before it fell. The Elf smiled when we landed. “You are smart. We did not expect that. You may pass.” We turned to walk but then there was a bang. “No.. Our worst fears.. Zahook’s army has found us. SOUND THE ALARMS!” He shouted. He pulled out a horn and blew. “EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW” The alarm sounded like that. The Elf turned to us and nodded. We nodded back and charged after him. Heading into the Elf Town.

Chapter 11
The Battle
A fiery arrow just like at home was fired. A small house was caught on fire. “Oh no, that was Jamie’s house!” Cried the Secret Keeper. He turned to us. “I need to put out that fire. You two must seek shelter.” He turned to the house again. He started to run but I shouted “NO!” He stopped and turned. “What?” His eyes told me I better listen. I just shook the fear off and said “No. We must help.” The Secret Keeper whispered “The Elf Master is looking for you.. He will protect the Town while you two get lots of rest.. You will be guarded by my dragon and twelve guards. Don’t be scared.” Before I could reply, he ran over to “Jamie’s” house and grabbed a bucket and filled it with water. I turned to Sapphire. “We have to hurry. The dragon will lead the way.” Sapphire grunted and moved her head to face the other dragon. She puffed and roared. The dragon roared and flew off. I Jumped on Sapphire and we followed.
There was a huge boom and the Elves dragon fell. I gasped and shouted, “GET TO THAT DRAGON!” Sapphire dove down and landed next to the dragon. “Can you lift him?” Sapphire shook her head. He is to big. I am only two years old. He must be around five. Quite strong. He told me he was going to go easy until the fire spin. I sighed. “Grab him with your claws. Do not injure him.”
Sapphire’s claws wrapped around the dragon’s scales and picked him up. So.. Heavy.. Going to.. Fall. I quickly gasped. “NO! Don’t fall! You got this. Just head to the temple right in front of us. I’ll cover, and so will the guards.” I pointed at twenty-four guards there. One whispered to another and it went through the whole line. Twelve of the guards rushed over to assist us, and the other twelve nodded at us telling us to hurry.
The elves helped lift us the dragon and Sapphire did a huge thank you grunt. The elves grunted back and dropped the huge dragon right next to me and Sapphire’s beds. I look down at the leader of that squad. He was also half as tall as me. Everyone was. “Will the dragon be okay?” The elf turned to the dragon. “Who owns?” He asked, walking towards the dragon. “The Secret Keeper.” The elf touched the dragon’s wound, and the dragon winced like a puppy that got smacked in the face. “He will be fine. But we cannot let the Secret Keeper worry a lot. That will make the dragon try to prove he is alright, and then end up dying.” He turned to another elf. “Get me Elf Medic. Dragon Squad.” The Elf nodded and ran off. The leader elf turned to me. “You must rest. Your dragon is asleep now. If you have no sleep, you cannot be good in training tomorrow.” I nodded.
The only major issue with this part is that it’s unclear why everyone is working together. Are humans and elves always allies? Do rivalries melt away in times of battle? I think explaining that even briefly would be helpful. Otherwise, the plot is interesting and it’s pretty nicely written.




Chapter 12:
Training Time.
“Get up ya stupid human.” I groaned and got up, and yawned. The elf gasped and covered her nose and mouth. “Disgusting! Having to breath the same air you nasty humans breath! JUST HORRIBLE!” She muttered a curse and dropped some bread, cream cheese, and soup on my bed. I spread the cheese on the bread and ate it all. I turned to wake up Sapphire but she was gone. The elf came back. “Your ‘beautiful’ dragon is talking with the Elf Master. Go outside the city gate, and take a right. But when you get back, don’t expect your bed to be perfect!” She shouted.
I turned and looked at giant temple. I climbed up the stairs, running, wanting to see the Elf Master. There I saw a dragon. The dragon Sapphire had been talking about. I walked up to it, covering my eyes. His golden scales blinded me. The dragon turned to me. Ah. Are you Sapphire’s owner? She is quite.. Nice.. How old is she? Oh wait, I know. Around two or three years? I am guessing from the look on your face I am right. How am I talking to you? I can talk to everyone. Ah. Elf Master is near. You should take off.. Just a warning. Also. Try blinking to get the shine off. There was a deep chuckle and then Sapphire’s wing threw me up and I landed on the saddle. “OW! IT’S NOT SOFT!” Sorry!
Sapphire flew up and dove around. The golden dragon flew around us. I looked at him and saw a tiny man. A tiny Elf. He smiled. “FlAME BURST!” He shouted to his Dragon. The Dragon opened his mouth and flame busted out his mouth. “NOW! EMBER GO!” A huge blast of fire, called ‘Ember’, spluttered out of the Dragon’s mouth. “Dive up!” Sapphire flew up, but the Elf was coming up close. “SPIN!” I shouted at Sapphire. Sapphire dove down and spinned around, throwing fire around us. The golden dragon roared and collapsed. The elf hit the Dragon’s scales and groaned. We gasped and landed then rushed over. “Oh no. Poor elf! Are you alright?” The elf nodded and groaned. He sat up and said “O Za Hu Ua La Le HOOKAH Ya!” The cut closed up and the blood disappear. “How the heck?” The Elf laughed. “It’s quite simple. You must wait a while, young dragon trainer. The spells take time. You must go into nature. Be one with nature. Then of course, eat the nature for lunch.” The elf laughed.b I rolled my eyes and said “Hey! I came here to train. Not listen to your “funny” little spell tricks.” The elf frowned. “Dragon. Fly off.” The dragon laughed and flew off. The elf got up and drew his sword. “DUEL ME!” I drew my sword and the sword shaked. I was nervous. I had no idea what to do.
He launched at me, his sword flying around like crazy. I jumped back, tripping on a rock and threw my sword up. The Elf Master smiled and lunged at me. I rolled across the peak, and grabbed my sword. The Elf tried to knock the sword out of my hand but I rolled again. I sprung up and grabbed my dagger. I put the sword away and look madly at the Elf Master. He laughed at me and charged. I threw the dagger straight at him, and unleashed my sword. He gasped as the dagger flew past his sword and landed on his hand. He yelled, throwing the dagger to the floor. “O Za Hu Ua La Le HOOKAH-” I stopped his chant by cutting his sword in half. He gasped. Sapphire roared. YOU DESTROYED HIS GOLDEN SWORD! THE SWORD IS LINKED TO ALL OF US! ALL OF THE DRAGONS! I turned to Sapphire. She was falling down, moaning. I gasped. “Please! Fix the sword! Fix it with your magic!” He shook his head. “This sword.. No magic can even come close to touching it. Unless we break the bond. The magic bond. I fear, I must call the creator of the sword. She is quite vile. Fearless. She would destroy you. So I must go. After I rest.” He walked toward the temple entrance. “NO! I cannot allow you to just walk off like that. You could be killing all the dragons!” I heard the Elf Master chuckle. “The sword barely does anything to the dragons! I mean, for two days they will be in grave pain. But, that is not my problem.” I growled and shouted “WHAT ABOUT YOUR DRAGON? I DOUBT HE WILL BE HAPPY IN THIS DECISION!” The Elf Master sighed and said, “I cannot walk that far.. I am tired. The magic takes a piece of your energy.” He turned to me. “I will send you there. Take my second sword. You will need it.” He walked over and grabbed a sword made of dragon scales. “How the heck?” The Elf Master sighed. “A young boy came here, carrying scales. I have had this for a long time, never bothering to use it. The boy said, ‘I found a dead dragon! He was.. Roting. His scales were still healthy! I cut them off and bring them here. For you!” The Elf Master’s sword fell into my hands. He looked up at me, a tear rolling down his flat and wrinkled cheeks. “Hey.. You look like him.. If only you were a little shorter.” He smiled at me, and I smiled back. “I will go now then..” He nodded at me and turned to head to bed. I quickly ran down the stairs, Sapphire flying in circles around me. You worried about him, aren’t you? Yes.. He seems a little freaked out. He said he was tired, but when we battled he was all jolly and.. Well.. Not tired. I think I may of broke him. Sapphire snorted and said, Broke him? Ha! You could barely fight! I saw your hand shaking! Hey. Why was he shouting random words out loud? Oh. That? It’s been here for a long time. You see, us dragons learn new ways to fight, and they have different names. I think we learned one already. You know, the spinning and the fire? We call that a Fire Spin. Cool right? Yeah. I guess.
I nodded at the guard that was guarding the gate to the temple and nodded at the Elf Master’s temple. He nodded back, understanding and opened the gate. I walked in and noticed two elfs speaking english. I walked over. “Hey, um. Do you know where a blacksmith works?” The elves nodded and said “Take a right through that alley. You will end up there soon.” I raised my finger to thank them but they just turned to each other and counted talking.
I walked through the alley, trying to remember the directions. “Lets see. He said something about taking a right? Or was it a left?” I continued walking until I got to a dead end. I turned both ways. I could either turn left, or right. “Uh.. Sapphire? Could you fly up and see where we need to go?” Sapphire puffed. Nope. Not enough space for me to spread my wings. You have to remember what he said! I sighed and said “Umm.. How about.. Left? Wait no! RIGHT!” I quickly turned right, Sapphire following. “I don’t see anything.. Maybe we went the wrong way? Lets just turn back and.. WAIT! I hear clanking!” CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! I turned to the direction the clanking was coming from. “Over there!” I pointed to a little shop saying “Blacksmith.” In black, dirty letters. I ran to it, and Sapphire growled. I turned around. “What?” She growled and nudged toward a elf. He was standing outside the shop, with a weapon. I think we got some trouble. I know, he most likely just bought it, but I think I hear screaming… It’s.. It’s so loud.. Something.. Is happening inside.. We have to find out what it is! It could be the Blacksmith, perhaps he hit himself? First of all, it’s a her. Second, I think you should lower your guard a little. I mean, sure we're in a dark creepy alley and we see a scary elf holding a sword guarding the door. So what? Lets just go. She puffed a warning, but followed me anyway.
With the new sword plot line, I feel like we’ve lost track of some stuff from before. This kid’s whole family just died and it hasn’t really been mentioned since. It kind of feels like a bunch of side plots at this point, so make sure you give the character one solid goal and keep it in the front of his mind, and make sure loose ends get held through the whole story, not just tied up at the end.


Chapter 13 Blacksmith goes rouge

“Hey you! Get outta here! Your not aloud here. Oh. That sword.. Didn’t the blacksmith make that? Give me it!” The elf lunged at me, but I unleashed the sword and jumped to the side.Why does the elf want the sword? Make this clearer. “Stop! We need the blacksmith! It’s important!” He lunged at me, his tiny little grubby hands reaching for the blade. “You cannot talk to the blacksmith! She is currently.. Going through something!” I growled as he reached for his sword. He unleashed it and shouted “GIVE IT!” He tried to knock the sword out of my hand but I broke it in half. You have a problem. Breaking so many swords in half! It’s not me! The sword.. It’s so.. Powerful! He gasped and cried. “STOP IT!! STOP IT!! I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE TAKEN AWAY!” I put the sword away and said “What do you mean?” The little elf wiped his tears away and said “They are forcing me! The Blacksmith has gone rouge! She will create such vile swords, and nothing can stop them!” I gasped. “Go home young one.” He looked up at me, his lips shaking. “I don’t have one.. They b.. Burnt it down along with my family..” I shook my head. “Follow me.” He nodded and scurried after me.
We went back into the alley and I crouched down. “Hey.. Listen.. I will get you your family back. Well, I mean revenge your family. But I need to know, is there anyway I can get to the blacksmith?” The little elf shook his head. “They have already left. They told me.. They told me to guard.. They said someone will come and get me to bring me to them.. But they lie, don’t they? They are dirty, sword building, lies!” He kicked a rock, crying again.
“Listen, I need to know if there is another human near here. Do you know?” The little elf nodded. “ Once you get to the main fountain.. Go up the hill.. You will find a hut.. Go inside.. He will be there. And so will she.” I looked at him confused. “What do you-” There was a big bang. A deep voice came out with a shadow following it. “Oh little elf? Come out come out.. We are here!” The little elf jumped up. “They are evil. Please save me!” He bent down behind my leg. “Get behind Sapphire. I got this.
So many new characters are introduced here that it’s pretty confusing, I think you should either remove some things or expand this section so it’s more detailed. We’ve just been introduced to this blacksmith, and already we’re running away somewhere else.

Chapter 14:
A new ally.

“Leave him alone!” I shouted, my blade clashing with the elf’s. “No! Get outta here!” The elf jumped at me, sending my sword flying back at Sapphire. The elf laughed. “Shouldn’t mess with us, kid.” He raised his sword, and swiped at me. “STOP!” The elf turned. The little elf smiled. The elf gasped. “Junior! Get over here!” He shook his head. He charged at the elf, killing him. I gasped. “Wow.. Junior ey? Well. Let's go.”
“Up there is the hut. I must go. They will be looking for me. Thank you stranger.” He smiled and laid the sword in my hands. Then he ran away, not even looking back. I turned to Sapphire. “Time to go girl. Let's go.” I ran up the hill, hoping that the elf was right.
I rung the doorbell, thinking that someone would answer. No one is home perhaps. Maybe they are gone? Or the elf lied to us? Doubt it. I mean, we just saved his life. And he saved ours. Maybe they are just.. Not home? But then the door opened. A man, who seemed to be around 20 to 30 years old smiled and said “Ah. A human? With a dragon? Please, please come in!”
I looked around. “Where can Sapphire stay?” The man looked at me. “The dragon? I have a room outside she can stay in. It’s big enough for two dragons. I normally have parties in there, but whatever. It’s rare for me to do a party anyway.” I nodded at Sapphire but she grunted and walked away.
“So, what brings you here?” The man sat down on a chair and tapped a table telling me to sit down with him. I dragged one of his wooden chairs over to the table and sat down. “Careful, don’t want to touch that baby food!” He smiled and grabbed his rag to clean it up. “Um. Why do you have baby food?” His smile faded away and he sighed. “Well, a long time ago, I was married.. Me and my wife moved here, with a baby. Soon, goblins raided and they found our house. They took my wife and killed her in the town hall. Everyone tried to comfort me but I said no.. Then I moved up here, away from everyone else!” He threw his hands up and smiled. “Wait, so you still have the baby?” He put his hands down and nodded. “I yelled to her in town hall a promise. I will make the baby grow a peaceful life.” I was going to ask another question but I was interrupted by crying. He stood up. “The baby woke. Sorry.” He quickly ran out of the tiny room, into another.
He came back with a baby in his arms. He placed the baby down on the table and sat down. “Her name is Lucy.” He said smiling. Lucy crawled over to be and made gurgling noises. I smiled and tickled her. She laughed and crawled down into my lap. I started to play with her. “She has taken a quick liking to you. To be honest, you kinda look like her, except the whole different gender thing.” I smiled and put Lucy onto the table where she sat down and made happy gurgling noises, stuffing her fingers in her mouth, and rolling around. “Everyone says that about me.”
The guy nodded and said “I suppose we don’t know each other's names? I’m Chris. How are you?” He held his hand out. I shook it and said “I’m Lukas, and I’m fine. Anyway, I need to talk to you about something urgent.” He nodded. “I need you to come with me on an adventure. We will fight goblins, befriend dwarfs, and defeat Zahook. Not only that, but fix the Elf Master’s golden sword.” Chris frowned for the first time and in a gruff voice said “Listen kid, I would love to join you but I need to make sure the baby is okay, and doesn’t die or anything.” Lucy crawled over and made a excited gurgle. “I’m pretty sure Lucy wants to come too.” I said, smiling. Chris sighed and said “Alright, but on one condition.” I nodded. “What?” He leaned back in his chair and said “You must let me kill the goblins.” I frowned, then remembering how much I needed him I nodded. “Then you got yourself a deal!” He smiled and picked up Lucy. “I must put her to bed now. Whenever a visitor comes by, she starts crying because she wants to know them. You know, you're the first visitor I’ve had in 6 months? Plus, you're also the only visitor my little Lucy ever liked!” He tickled her belly and kissed her forehead. She laughed and kissed his hand back.
I closed the door, smiling. Sapphire walked by and said How was it? I guess you could say… IT WAS A TOTAL SUCCESS! Hey, I didn’t see you in the room. Where were you? She grunted and said I flew over to the Elf Master. He taught me how to see through your eyes. Apparently, all dragons have to do is believe. Sadly, humans have to go through training from two days to around ten days, depending on how fast you learn it. I groaned and said “Hey, by the way, could you carry me, a 26 year old man, and a baby?”
Again with the new characters thing. Having a lot of characters is fine, as long as they serve a purpose. Generally by this point in a short story you should be wrapping things up and getting to the falling actions, so anything new you add has to be absolutely necessary.


Chapter 15:
A new journey

“Hold on a sec.. Just gotta put Lucy in this.. Wait.. LUCY STOP MOVING! No.. You can’t go to Lukas.. Stop.. Lucy.. Don’t.. Lucy don’t.. So close.. Last leg.. Yes! All done!” Lucy was wearing pink PJ’s and a little hat. I rolled my eyes and turned to Sapphire. Sapphire. This guy! He is so.. Neat? I'm not surprised. You're not a neat person so you would have a problem. I rolled my eyes harder at Sapphire and turned back to Chris. “Ready?” Chris nodded and picked up Lucy. Lucy started crying, pointing at me making gurgling noises. Chris smiled. “She wants you to carry her.”
I placed Lucy on Sapphire’s back, where she sat on the saddle, which I made bigger, tightly but carefully being held by her father. She started tugging on the saddle, but her father stopped her by playing around with her. Chris looked down at me as I gave him my book bag. He put it in front of him, while Lucy pulled on the straps. “Are you sure about this? We never rode a dragon before.” Sapphire puffed in disrespect. I stroked her head and said “Don’t worry. I have a Elf making a safe strap you can tie Lucy and yourself on.”
The elf came running up the hill, looking at Sapphire, making sure he didn’t touch her. The elf looked up at me and gave me the straps. He spoke fast. “Just strap it onto them, and the baby will be safe. Take this sword as honor from our village. Give it to the man.” Then he ran off before I could thank him.
I gave Chris the straps. He tightened the straps on him and Lucy and then I gave him the blade. Lucy giggled and reached for the blade, her hands opening and closing. Chris put the blade in his bag, shaking his finger. “Tsk tsk tsk! You know the blade is bad! Bad baby! Bad baby!” Lucy started screaming and crying. “Oh I’m sorry!” Chris said quickly looking into his bag for her toy.
I reached up and unstrapped Lucy and Chris. I climbed up and took Lucy in my hands. “Shh little baby, don’t say a word. Lukas has got you! Don’t cry!” I tickled Lucy and she started gurgling and laughing.
“You ready Chris?” Chris stared at Lucy and then nodded. “You're worried about her, aren’t you?” Chris nodded again. “She shouldn’t be traveling like this. I shouldn’t be traveling like this. YOU SHOULDN’T BE TRAVELING LIKE THIS!” His voice rose so high Lucy started crying again. “Oh shush!” Chris said angrily at Lucy. Lucy cried louder and yelled “GA BOO!” Chris rolled his eyes and said “Hurry up and let's go.” I nodded and singled him to pass me my bag. I pulled out a bottle of milk I made in the hut incase Chris ran out and gave it to Lucy.
Lucy did a sigh of relief telling me she was okay and that we could take off. I stroked Sapphire’s head and she flew off. Chris yelled, reaching for me. “Calm down! This is only like my third time. Anyway, Sapphire knows what she is doing.” Chris continued yelling, and through the wind he managed to say “I hate flying!! Now move back a bit so I can grab you!” Sapphire grunted and did a barrel roll. Lucy giggled and threw her hands up, letting go of the straps.
I quickly tightened the straps and held Lucy tightly. She continued to laugh. Chris yelled and grabbed Sapphire’s scales, climbing up her body so he could grab my shoulder. “Tell you dragon to stop, or I’ma barf! And if she counties, it’ll land on her head!” Sapphire did a disgusted groan and stopped, but kept on going faster and faster, heading straight for the Goblins Forest.


Chapter 16:
Goblin trouble
[COLOR="Red”]This change is very confusing. I can’t tell who’s talking or where the group is.[/COLOR]
“Tell the Sergeant to send another Patrol. I got message that someone is creeping about. “Побързайте! Побързайте!” The Goblin General marched off, hoping he would catch the intruders. I turned to the rest and whispered “Chris, make sure Lucy stays quite. Sapphire should be in the base by now.” Chris nodded and wrapped the sleeping Lucy in a cloth. I turned back to the base and looked around carefully. There were three guards near all the towers. Inside each tower was a archer, with a huge light looking around. Chris walked up to me softly. “It’s like a prison here. If Lucy gets hit..” I turned to Chris and carefully took Lucy. Chris growled but I ignored him. “Hey! I spotted them! 2nd salog. Maghulat dili. ako nagpasabut ummm, oh! Kabalo ko! Ang tulay!” Goblins groaned and said “Stop speaking Cebuano! Just speak ENGLISH!” I heard a groan and then someone shouted “THE BRIDGE! GO TO THE BRIDGE!” I turned to Chris as I saw spears flying near his back. Lucy woke up and touch the hilt of the spear. “No Lucy! Shh Lucy, don’t touch anything!” Chris whispered looking around.
I grabbed Chris’s shoulder with one hand when he was about to yell “RUN FOR IT!” I gave him Lucy and whispered “No. We put stay put, or else Sapphire won’t be able to find us in this forest.” Lucy ripped a piece of a leaf and said “Ga boo! Ga ga!” She started dashing the leaf around like it was a sword. I gasped and said “Get your sword! We're going to fight them off.”

Generally, I like it. It’s entertaining, it’s consistent, no continuity errors, and relatively well written, so congratulations, especially for a second story. The main things are pacing, characterization, and plot organization. First, the story moves really fast, to the point of it not making sense. It doesn’t make sense for Chris to take a complete 180 and pack his baby up on a dragon in fifteen seconds. It doesn’t make sense for Lukas to accept a side quest to go train ten minutes after his family dies. If you extended these, it would be a good place to stick some character development so we could get to know these characters. This would also make it a lot easier to follow. Which brings me to characterization: we don’t really know anything about Lukas. Even though it’s from his perspective, the speed at which things happen to him mean we never get to see how he reacts to the intense situations he’s in. This makes it less interesting because if the reader doesn’t know the character, they don’t really care If he succeeds or not. Lastly, the plot becomes really, really confusing. It’s totally fine to have a lot of plot events and characters, but they have to serve the story. For example, the Odyssey. It has a million characters, but each event tells us something new about Odysseus’ character, and throughout the whole book he has one clear goal, even if he’s doing something else. Here, there’s a lot of opportunity to do this. You could have Lukas trying to avenge his family’s death, or trying to stop the evil, or trying to train sapphire, but you need to make it clear which goal is the main goal, and make sure the reader knows how important it is to Lukas.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this, so definitely keep going with this and future stories...clearly you have a great imagination and a lot of talent

Rosie
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Old 06-26-2018, 08:23 PM View Post #3 (Link)
Livvy (Offline)
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You definitely did justice to Eragon. With a bit more description and explanation as to what is happening, this could be really good!
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