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Hm, you can critique if you want to, but I'll be really blatantly honest with you... I'm pretty certain I'm smarter than most of you, and so won't take your critiques seriously at all, especially if you show no awareness of context and meaning and just give advice, which is what most of the previous critiques were about.

To elaborate, you are a trained monkey. YoungWritersOnline is the place that TRAINED YOU. You don't really have a very strong grasp of the language of poetry if you've been primarily raised in this site, which isn't to say you should become extremely cynical about this site and it's tendencies or resources.

Poetry is bullshit. Your ideas about poetry are bullshit. My ideas about poetry are bullshit as well. You become a proficient writer by repetition and adaptation. Put yourself in as many situations as possible, and write through them constantly. The classroom, and desktop, are poetically limiting.

Also, everything is good and you're beautiful. I'm not attacking you, or your beliefs. IF you want to properly critique a poem, play with it, joyously.

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Oh burning
the brilliant vows of now
dropped heavy as heaven hot as hell
from the poet tongue tempered tantrums;
The worlds first myth.

Before this
there were only mannequins
iron lungs and machine hearts
beating like hummingbird wings
against the sightless steel cold night
and the streetlights moved no shadow
body against mine. Of flesh and blood,

there was only this

pit of ash
until carefully
I drew the first breath
and blew the world its dawning kiss
of life.

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Asheville Sketches


1. When the country boy sings.

There.

Love
a still throbbing tremor

in a butterfly ribcage

beating hard against mother Crystallice

gravity encircles

always falling down
down falling all ways
lead to the ground
soft mama ground

whose naked bosom
rests gravity.

She may adjust
and California,
Venice,
and New York may sink,
but she will forever hold their pieces
like heirlooms
fragmented physical fetishes
portal portaits
of another time.


Tie-dye, coughs, lights cigarette

"Iy's not my fault, it's not my fault"

he came out of nowhere
dirty spectacles spangled in
dangling ornamentation crowning

his knows and eyes.

ode to humanity short and sweet;

brown sandals.

I wonder
when he was a child
if his dreams ever included
lungs full of tar
gut full of empty air
bartering with street musicians
for spare change.

He's clutching at nothing when he says,

"You ever see a movie with John Belushi in it called Animal House?"

Yes and the main character was a prankster who rode off into the sunset

but life is more than that
it continues
after each triumph
the road is still there
the night is still lonely
when your breaths are long
and counting all the thoughts thinking
of all the ways next time
I'll try not to let you down.

The country boy is still singing.

The man thumbs at him with the John Belushi comment
as if saying,
"Someone should break this mans guitar,
Someone should break this mans heart."

Oh it's easier now if I just say
that I got better.

That it got better.

The opening to you work seems very cynical. On that note, i somewhat agree with what you are saying. As writers, poets and artist we all know the fear and self doubt that we all harbor within. So, we should be gentle with each others work. Not that we should be dishonest but be mindful that the piece represents the artist in a very real way.
I like the way your poetry makes me feel. I find it very interesting with a measure of depth that is very appealing to me. Your conflicting and warring verses provide an interesting way to get your point across. I love that i have to reread your poetry to flesh out the meaning. It's like you dare me to guess what you were thinking and feeling when you wrote it.

Originally Posted by hippo - Oh burning the brilliant vows of now dropped heavy as heaven hot as hell from the poet tongue tempered tantrums; The alliteration in the line above is a little too heavy. "Heavy as heaven hot as hell" isn't bad because it's a soft sound, but the "tongue tempered tantrums" becomes quite the tongue twister. On one hand I like the sound between 'tong/temp/tant" and between 'tongue/-trum,' but I think the 4th "t" put it over the top. Unless that's what you were going for, since it is the poet's tongue tantrum, and one may associate over use of alliteration with inexperienced poets. I'd try to get a few other peoples opinions on this line to draw a verdict. The worlds first myth. I like how you set up the first stanza. The use of "Oh," the "vows/now," and the religious theme (sort of) give it an older feel, so to speak. This mimicks the ideas presented in the poem, and that's something I personally enjoy in poetry. Having the structure of the poem reflect the ideas is good. I said "sort of" a religious theme because you didn't capitalize 'Heaven' or 'Hell', which implies the point of the poem is not intended to be a religious one (either just a religious undertone or used for other purposes- alliteration/sound/metaphor, etc.). Before this there were only mannequins iron lungs and machine hearts I like the idea of mannequins, but iron lungs and machine hearts aren't doing you any favors. I feel the line above is the closest to cliche you have. I think you could present this in a fresher way. Possibly expand the mannequin metaphor. Not really sure what you could do with it, but play around with the line some and see what you can get out of it. Switching up the above line would also help me, as a reader, be less critical about the lines to follow. As of now, I have a sour taste in my mouth that hummingbird wings beating and sightless steel cold nights are nothing new, partially because of how you set me up to read them. Fix the lines above, and I think I wouldn't have a problem with the lines to follow. It's all about conditioning your reader. beating like hummingbird wings against the sightless steel cold night and the streetlights moved no shadow body against mine. Of flesh and blood, To me, this is the weakest stanza. The idea behind the poem isn't exactly new, and the ideas presented in this stanza seem like they've been used before for the same topic. However, they aren't quite cliches yet (maybe in a few decades if everyone keeps using these images they will be ha), and the little devices you use throughout the piece that connect through this stanza make it acceptable in my mind. there was only this I really like how you have this as a single line stanza, and how you set up the last stanza. It goes back to my admiration of the structure of the poem and one of the things that stand out to me the most, helping me let other things such as possibly worn down images slide by. pit of ash until carefully I drew the first breath and blew the world its dawning kiss of life. "Dawning" was great word choice to continue on the idea of steel night to morning, and the ending was solid overall. The ending also makes me think about the beginning (blowing life -> could be religious -> heaven/hell). The stanza connects the rest of the poem, and was presented in a pleasing way, so good job with that.

Originally Posted by hippo It's a little confusing here. I can't tell if these are two seperate poems or build off each other. You go from talking about ash in the section above and starting out with "Ashville" here, so I could see the relation, but they could also stand as seperate poems. The 1. makes me think that Asheville Sketches is the title, and the 1. is the first part of that poem (though I touch on one later on). For the most part I critiqued based on the content itself without connecting it to the section above in case they are two seperate poems, except for the ribcage part below. Asheville Sketches Is this an allusion to the Asheville NC sketch comedy? I like the specificity if so, but then you need to take into consideration who you want your audience to be. Most people won't understand allusions as specific as that, and the phrase itself could be misinterpreted in many ways (even now may be an example of misinterpretation if it isn't an allusion). 1. When the country boy sings. The one makes me think one of two things. The poem is either splitting into parts, and there will be a two further down, or it's a definition/explanation. Either way, I don't like it. You don't have a two later on, so that doesn't make sense. If it's more of a definition for Asheville sketches, I think I'd be contempt with it, but I'm still a little iffy. If you could portray that idea in a different way then I'd play around with it. There. Love a still throbbing tremor in a butterfly ribcage I like how this mimicks the section above, but by itself I don't like it. It's pushing on cliche, similar to above. One might let it slide because they relate, but I think you could switch it up here and in the section above to make it more powerful. If this is a seperate poem than the one above I definitely don't like it. butterflies/ribcage/love in the same sentence? Burn it. Then eat the ashes. beating hard against mother Crystallice Honestly, I don't understand Crystallice. Did you mean crystallize or is Crystallice a nickname/name for an actual person? gravity encircles always falling down down falling all ways lead to the ground soft mama ground the word play here originally made me think of the "vows/now" part above, but it doesn't have that old feel to it. This has a definite blues poetry vibe to it. The word play, the order, and the diction (specifically mama) all point towards blues. whose naked bosom rests gravity. She may adjust and California, Venice, and New York may sink, but she will forever hold their pieces like heirlooms fragmented physical fetishes Again, not sure about the alliteration in the line above. I do think it was clever how you used the "ph" sound to play with the "f" sound, but at the same time it trips the reader up. You use sounds so similar(ex. mented/fetish) along with the alliteration that it might take away from the cleverness. It could just be personal taste as to why I don't like it, or maybe it is the actual sound of the line. Again, second opinions would help. portal portaitsThis line plays with what I said above (using vary similar sounds), except it isn't overwhelming here. of another time. Tie-dye, coughs, lights cigarette "Iy's not my fault, it's not my fault" he came out of nowhere dirty spectacles spangled in dangling ornamentation crowning I like the play on spangled/dangling, but ornamentation doesn't work for me. Possibly find a synonym. his knows and eyes. ode to humanity short and sweet; brown sandals. I wonder when he was a child if his dreams ever included lungs full of tar gut full of empty air bartering with street musicians for spare change. He's clutching at nothing when he says, "You ever see a movie with John Belushi in it called Animal House?" Yes and the main character was a prankster who rode off into the sunset but life is more than that it continues after each triumph the road is still there the night is still lonely when your breaths are long and counting all the thoughts thinking of all the ways next time I'll try not to let you down. See if you can pull some specifics out of the abstractions in this stanza. The country boy is still singing. The man thumbs at him with the John Belushi comment as if saying, "Someone should break this mans guitar, Someone should break this mans heart." Oh it's easier now if I just say that I got better. That it got better. I loved the ending.

I think you have a great command of words, and the diction is excellent in most places, but it gets a little overwhelming in some areas. Try finding a balance between the clever sound play you use from being pleasing to overwhelming. I liked the specifics you used towards the end, but you also used quite a few abstractions in other areas. I think you do a good job of using abstractions and balancing that aspect of your poetry, but when you clutter them around each other it comes off as inexperience when contrasted with the other sections. You also have a nice grasp on form.

There were certain parts of this I really didn't like (maybe personal taste, maybe because I had such high standards when compared to the rest of the poem), but there were parts I really enjoyed. Overall, lovely poem. If you gather anything out of my critique I hope it's to try and find the balance between pleasing and overwhelming in your word/sound play (though that may be subjective- so other opinions would be great).

Also, you're a good poet, even if you're full of bullshit. Remember, smart people can write bad poetry too. It isn't based off intelligence, and a "smart" person would recognize that. PM/VM if you have any questions or comments about my critique.

P.S. If someone doesn't understand your poem, that may not mean they are clueless about poetry (though that could be one reason). There's a possibility you didn't clearly portray what you meant. The writer/reader gap. Don't forget to take that into consideration when you recieve crits.