YWO > Poetry Dump
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|09-05-2012, 08:10 PM||View Post #1 (Link) Poetry Dump|
Join Date: Aug 2012
Times Thanked: 17
Hm, you can critique if you want to, but I'll be really blatantly honest with you... I'm pretty certain I'm smarter than most of you, and so won't take your critiques seriously at all, especially if you show no awareness of context and meaning and just give advice, which is what most of the previous critiques were about.
To elaborate, you are a trained monkey. YoungWritersOnline is the place that TRAINED YOU. You don't really have a very strong grasp of the language of poetry if you've been primarily raised in this site, which isn't to say you should become extremely cynical about this site and it's tendencies or resources.
Poetry is bullshit. Your ideas about poetry are bullshit. My ideas about poetry are bullshit as well. You become a proficient writer by repetition and adaptation. Put yourself in as many situations as possible, and write through them constantly. The classroom, and desktop, are poetically limiting.
Also, everything is good and you're beautiful. I'm not attacking you, or your beliefs. IF you want to properly critique a poem, play with it, joyously.
the brilliant vows of now
dropped heavy as heaven hot as hell
from the poet tongue tempered tantrums;
The worlds first myth.
there were only mannequins
iron lungs and machine hearts
beating like hummingbird wings
against the sightless steel cold night
and the streetlights moved no shadow
body against mine. Of flesh and blood,
there was only this
pit of ash
I drew the first breath
and blew the world its dawning kiss
1. When the country boy sings.
a still throbbing tremor
in a butterfly ribcage
beating hard against mother Crystallice
always falling down
down falling all ways
lead to the ground
soft mama ground
whose naked bosom
She may adjust
and New York may sink,
but she will forever hold their pieces
fragmented physical fetishes
of another time.
Tie-dye, coughs, lights cigarette
"Iy's not my fault, it's not my fault"
he came out of nowhere
dirty spectacles spangled in
dangling ornamentation crowning
his knows and eyes.
ode to humanity short and sweet;
when he was a child
if his dreams ever included
lungs full of tar
gut full of empty air
bartering with street musicians
for spare change.
He's clutching at nothing when he says,
"You ever see a movie with John Belushi in it called Animal House?"
Yes and the main character was a prankster who rode off into the sunset
but life is more than that
after each triumph
the road is still there
the night is still lonely
when your breaths are long
and counting all the thoughts thinking
of all the ways next time
I'll try not to let you down.
The country boy is still singing.
The man thumbs at him with the John Belushi comment
as if saying,
"Someone should break this mans guitar,
Someone should break this mans heart."
Oh it's easier now if I just say
that I got better.
That it got better.
|09-06-2012, 02:17 AM||View Post #2 (Link) Hey|
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Charleston, W.V.
Times Thanked: 1
The opening to you work seems very cynical. On that note, i somewhat agree with what you are saying. As writers, poets and artist we all know the fear and self doubt that we all harbor within. So, we should be gentle with each others work. Not that we should be dishonest but be mindful that the piece represents the artist in a very real way.
I like the way your poetry makes me feel. I find it very interesting with a measure of depth that is very appealing to me. Your conflicting and warring verses provide an interesting way to get your point across. I love that i have to reread your poetry to flesh out the meaning. It's like you dare me to guess what you were thinking and feeling when you wrote it.
|09-10-2012, 06:08 AM||View Post #3 (Link)|
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: cream city
Times Thanked: 59
There were certain parts of this I really didn't like (maybe personal taste, maybe because I had such high standards when compared to the rest of the poem), but there were parts I really enjoyed. Overall, lovely poem. If you gather anything out of my critique I hope it's to try and find the balance between pleasing and overwhelming in your word/sound play (though that may be subjective- so other opinions would be great).
Also, you're a good poet, even if you're full of bullshit. Remember, smart people can write bad poetry too. It isn't based off intelligence, and a "smart" person would recognize that. PM/VM if you have any questions or comments about my critique.
P.S. If someone doesn't understand your poem, that may not mean they are clueless about poetry (though that could be one reason). There's a possibility you didn't clearly portray what you meant. The writer/reader gap. Don't forget to take that into consideration when you recieve crits.
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