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Old 06-03-2017, 10:17 AM View Post #1 (Link) The Princess in the Waist Apron
ac_writer (Offline)
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This is not a full story, only a short idea I recently came up with. I hope you enjoy.
.................................................................................................... ................................................
"Excuse me, but where is my coffee!"

On the other side of diner, Jane turns around towards the voice. A beautiful woman sitting at the front counter glares right at her, holding her mug high in the air and giving it a little shake to make her point come across.

Jane gives a strained smile while giving a quick glance over at her co-worker, Tina, who was already busy with taking orders from a large group sitting at a table in the middle of the room. Tina glances back at Jane and gives her a sympathetic smile before returning to scribbling in her notepad.

"I'll be with you in a moment miss!" Jane calls out, before turning back to the couple she was currently serving, setting down their entrée's down onto the table carefully.

"It certainly is a busy afternoon today," Jane thinks to herself as she heads to behind the counter, weaving through the crowded tables. As she narrowly passes by, she hears bits and pieces of people's conversations.

Upon reaching behind the counter, Jane picks up a coffee pot and pours the steamy liquid into the woman's mug. All the while, the woman taps her manicured nails impatiently on the counter, continuing to glare at Jane as she pours her coffee.

As she is doing this, Jane hears the tinkle of the bell on the front door and see's a, not so bad looking, guy come strolling in. He glances at her with a kind smile and sits a couple seats from her and the woman, waiting patiently as he stares up at the menu on the wall.

Jane puts the coffee pot back on the coffee maker, rubbing her hands on her waist apron before she walks over to where he sits.

However, she did not get far from the woman before Jane heard this comment the woman mumble to herself.

"I can't believe I had to wait for that fat lady to wobble over here to finally get me some coffee. Talk about bad service." mumbles the woman before she takes an annoying loud sip of her coffee.

Hearing this caused Jane to pause from walking for a millisecond before subconsciously swiping away the hurtful comment as she continued to approach the man. She had heard many comments before about her looks over the years, and had learned to grow thick skin because of it.

She takes out a little notepad and pen from the pocket in her apron and gives the man sitting in front of her a kind smile.

"What would you like to eat?" Jane inquires, pen poised over her notepad.

.......................................
(This is all I have so far; What do you think should happen next?)
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Old 06-03-2017, 06:43 PM View Post #2 (Link)
SerialLove (Offline)
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Originally Posted by ac_writer View Post
"Excuse me, but where is my coffee!" Ok, so this is could be considered an ok start. While there isn't anything practically engaging, it does have enough to draw your reader in to continue on to the next sentence. (Or at least it was like that for me.)

On the other side of the diner, Jane turns around towards the voice. Maybe it's just me but the way this sentence is written sounds a little weird. I would suggest flipping what is after the comma to before and add a few connecting words. A beautiful woman sitting at the front counter glares right at her, holding her a mug high in the air and giving it a little shake to make her point come across. I like the end of this sentence but you could show your readers that this women is beautiful rather then just telling us. I also changed the one word because it's pretty easy for your reader to infer that it is "her" mug.

Jane gives a strained smile while giving a quick glance over at her co-worker, Tina, who was already busy with taking orders from a large group sitting at a table in the middle of the room. Tina glances back at Jane and gives her a sympathetic smile before returning to scribbling in her notepad. So the first thing here is the word "give." I'm pretty sure you noticed that I underlined every time you used that word in one sense or another. While it may not look like a lot, it feels rather redundant to read. My suggestion is to read your work out loud to yourself [or in my case I like to record myself reading it and then I play it back like an audiobook] and listen to how your work sounds. It might look good on paper [or screen] but sometimes it doesn't sound as hot out loud.

"I'll be with you in a moment miss!" Jane calls out, before turning back to the couple she was currently serving, setting down their entrée's down onto the table carefully.

"It certainly is a busy afternoon today," Jane thinks to herself as she heads to behind the counter, weaving through the crowded tables. If she's heading behind the counter wouldn't she already have passed the tables? As she narrowly passes by, she hears bits and pieces of people's conversations. I like the idea in this last sentence but I would suggest you work on the wording a bit. Try to make it super interesting. Maybe describe "bits and pieces" of their conversations and who they came from. Also If you are going to introduce a character's thoughts into the story [like you did with the underlined sentence] then you should italicize what ever it is instead of putting it into quotations because the latter makes it look like your character [and in this case Jane] is talking out loud.

Upon reaching behind the counter, Jane picks up a coffee pot and pours the steamy liquid into the woman's mug. All the while, the woman taps her manicured nails impatiently on the counter, continuing to glare at Jane as she pours her coffee. Here is a great place to add some more sensory detail. You mention the coffee to be steamy, but what does it smell like, is it super hot, kind of hot or lukewarm? What does the woman smell like [weird to think of but] does she have a lot of perfume on, did she just come from a shower or from a week on the road?

As she is doing this, Jane hears the tinkle of the bell on the front door and see's a, not so bad looking, guy come strolling in. Again, great way to add some detail. What does this guy look like? A lot of times, when you first introduce a new character [minor or major] the characters initial appearance into the story could set up his or hers success into engaging the readers in the way you choose. If you just mention that a new person walked into the room then your reader isn't going to feel much into wondering who this person is. But if you said something along the lines of "a man in nothing but his boxers walked into the room tracking in mud" [for more or less a better example] it makes your readers question why the man is nearly naked, why is he covered in mud, etc. cetera. He glances at her with a kind smile and sits a couple seats from her and the woman, waiting patiently as he stares up at the menu on the wall.

Jane puts the coffee pot back on the coffee maker, rubbing her hands on her waist apron before she walks over to where he sits.
I would get rid of this extra space.
However, she did not get far from the woman before Jane heard this the comment the woman mumbled to herself.

"I can't believe I had to wait for that fat lady to wobble over here to finally get me some coffee. Talk about bad service." mumbles the woman before she takes an annoying loud sip of her coffee. We already know that she is mumbling to herself.

Hearing this caused Jane to pause from walking for a millisecond before subconsciously swiping away the hurtful comment as she continued to approach the man. She had heard many comments before about her looks over the years, and had learned to grow thick skin because of it.

She takes out a little notepad and pen from the pocket in her apron and gives the man sitting in front of her a kind smile.

"What would you like to eat?" Jane inquires, pen poised over her notepad.
Ok, so first of all, that was a cute and interesting story. I liked your ideas and I do have to say that it has some good potential into becoming something great. However I do think that it needs work, like most pieces do. First you should add some more description, I want to know what some of these characters look like. Take Jane for example, while not knowing that she is a larger women is fine, I completely had a different image of her in the beginning which made the end kind of shocking. I would suggest somehow hinting at her weight, or just to what she looks like and giving your readers some more. Other then that, I feel like the majority of what needed to be said is in the line by line. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Have a good day/night, good luck and continue writing.
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Old 06-04-2017, 11:30 AM View Post #3 (Link) My critique
Rebekah (Offline)
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Hi ac_writer,
I think you might need to edit your story a bit, and these are some ideas.

"Excuse me, but where is my coffee!" I think this start is a bit too vague and I think you need too expand it a bit more and add some more detail. Unlike SerialLove I didn't find this first sentence that engaging.

On the other side of the diner, Jane turns around her attention/to face (without the her) towards the voice. I don't know about anyone else, but this makes me think that there is just a voice rather than a person talking. I know what you mean, but you might have to make it a bit clearer. A beautiful woman sitting at the front counter glares right at her, holding her a mug high in the air and giving it a little shake to make her point. come across. Personally, I think that saying "to make her point come across" doesn't make much sense and doesn't read as well as "to make her point."

Jane gives a strained smile while giving a quick glance over at her co-worker, Tina, who was already busy with taking orders from a large group sitting at a table in the middle of the room. Tina glances back at Jane and gives her a sympathetic smile before returning to scribbling in her notepad. You see that I have underlined a phrase in this paragraph. That is because it doesn't read that well. It is too much to read without any commas or places for breath. Also, there is too much detail in it for a relative clause.

"I'll be with you in a moment miss!" Jane calls out, before turning back to the couple she was currently serving, setting down their entrée's down onto the table carefully. I find that "setting down" doesn't make much sense. Maybe edit it to something like placing or putting.

"It certainly is a busy afternoon today," Jane thinks to herself as she heads to behind the counter, weaving through the crowded tables. As she narrowly passes by, she hears bits and pieces of people's conversations. Unless this part has any relevance in what you will write next, I don't think you need it. The only way it would be necessary would be if you wrote about what you heard.

Upon reaching behind the counter, Jane picks up a coffee pot and pours the steamy liquid into the woman's a mug. The woman doesn't own the shop's mug it should be a mug. All the while, the woman taps her manicured nails impatiently on the counter, continuing to glare at Jane as she pours her coffee.

As she is doing this, Jane hears the tinkle of the bell on the front door and see's a, not so bad looking, guy come strolling in. Sees does not need an apostrophe as it is not a contraction and it does not belong to anyone. He glances at her with a kind smile and sits a couple seats from her and the woman, waiting patiently as he stares up at the menu on the wall.

Jane puts the coffee pot back on the coffee maker, rubbing her hands on her waist apron before she walks over to where he sits is sitting.

However, she Jane did not get far from the woman before Jane she I just swapped she and Jane because I found it read easier that way. heard this comment the woman mumble to herself.:"I can't believe I had to wait for that fat lady to wobble over here to finally get me some coffee. Talk about bad service." mumbles the woman before she takes an annoying loud sip of her coffee. Just added a colon and got rid of the gap because I find I read a bit better.

Hearing this caused Jane to pause from walking for just/only a millisecond before subconsciously swiping away the hurtful comment as she continued and continuing to approach the man. Adding just or only makes it sound just a bit shorter than just saying a millisecond. She had heard many comments before about her looks over the years, and had learned to grow thick skin because of it.

She takes out a little notepad and pen from the pocket in her apron and gives the man sitting in front of her a kind smile. I think "gives" has appeared too many times in your story. Maybe change it to something like shows or presents.

"What would you like to eat?" Jane inquires, pen poised over her notepad.

A good start to your story, yet still some editing to do. I can't wait to read some more of the your story.
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Old 06-08-2017, 03:23 AM View Post #4 (Link) The Princess in the Waist Apron
Molly (Offline)
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Hi ac_writer!

"Excuse me, but where is my coffee!" Ok, so the first sentence you have here did not engage me particularly, but it did leave me wondering what might happen next. Maybe you could work on this first sentence a little more, possibly expand it to give it a gripping sense.

On the other side of diner, Jane turns around towards the voice. This sentence was a little awkward to read, maybe take the end of it and out it at the front of the sentence, and take the front of the sentence and put it at the end, for instance: "Jane turns around towards the voice on the other side of the diner." Having this sentence this way will help it have smooth readability. A beautiful woman sitting at the front counter glares right at her describe the woman's features more, giving the reader a reason to believe that she is beautiful, and also to imagine her more that way., holding her the mug high in the air and giving it a little shake to make her point come across. I like the ending to this sentence, it gives emphasis and provides emotion. Nice job!

Jane gives a strained smile while giving a quick glance over at her co-worker, Tina, who was already busy with taking orders from a large group sitting at a table in the middle of the room. Tina glances back at Jane and gives her a sympathetic smile before returning to scribbling in her notepad.

"I'll be with you in a moment miss!" Jane calls out, before turning back to the couple she was currently serving, setting down their entrée's down onto the table carefully.

"It certainly is a busy afternoon today," Jane thinks to herself as she heads to behind the counter, weaving through the crowded tables. As she narrowly passes by, she hears bits and pieces of people's conversations.I like how you talked about what she was hearing here

Upon reaching behind the counter, Jane picks up a coffee pot and pours the steamy liquid into the woman's mug. All the while, the woman taps her manicured nails impatiently on the counter, continuing to glare at Jane as she pours her the coffee.

As she is doing this, Jane hears the tinkle of the bell on the front door and see's sees a, not so bad looking, guy come strolling in I would take "not so bad looking" out here. It was a little awkward for me to read, and again you could maybe describe him with a different word He glances at her with a kind smile and sits a couple seats from her and the woman, waiting patiently as he stares up at the menu on the wall.

Jane puts the coffee pot back on the coffee maker, rubbing her hands on her waist apron before she walks over to where he sits.

However, she did not get far from the woman before Jane heard this the comment the woman mumble mumbled to herself.

"I can't believe I had to wait for that fat lady to wobble over here to finally get me some coffee. Talk about bad service," mumbles the woman before she takes an annoying loud sip of her coffee.

Hearing this caused Jane to pause from walking for a millisecond before subconsciously swiping away the hurtful comment as she continued to approach the man. She had heard many comments before about her looks over the years, and had learned to grow thick skin because of it.

She takes out a little notepad and pen from the pocket in her apron and gives the man sitting in front of her a kind smile.

"What would you like to eat?" Jane inquires, pen poised over her notepad.

.......................................
(This is all I have so far; What do you think should happen next?)[/QUOTE]

I enjoyed this story, but it was not as intriguing as your others. Maybe edit your writing more, and really concentrate and think about any errors your story might have. Our own errors are the hardest to recognize, sometimes because in our head we know what we want to say and what we mean, but that isn't how it always comes out. This is a good story with lots of potential, so keep at it!
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Old 08-03-2017, 11:03 AM View Post #5 (Link)
Joie (Offline)
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Hi ac_writer,
I absolutely love the ideas in this story.I like how you paint a picture,"A beautiful woman sitting at the front of the counter glares right at her,holding her mug high in the air and giving it a little shake to make her point come across."I however feel that you could've brought a little more detail to the story,for instance,describing the features of the beautiful woman.Was it her face that made Jane think she was beautiful?Perhaps the way she dressed?All of it?Also,since its a diner,maybe throw in a little detail,the smell of different types of food?Maybe sunlight streaming in through the windows that warms her face as she moves through the tables?All in all,I think its a fantastic story and its definitely intriguing.Is something fated to happen with the not so bad looking guy,or is this just another regular occurrence in the life of Jane?
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