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Old 12-28-2016, 08:35 AM View Post #1 (Link) I am a soldier.
Charlotte S (Offline)
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I am a soldier, tall and gaunt.
I am a soldier, my face lined and scarred.
I am a soldier, and this is my story.

I signed up for the army when I was 17, I look at least 19 so the whole pretending I'm older was a breeze. When I thought of war I thought of glory. Red banners flying high in the sky, girls cheering. The men would drink around the campfire at night and we would have our choice of whichever female we wanted. We were heroes after all. I couldn't have been more wrong.

My first night in the army was spent shivering as cold enveloped us. No fires were to be lit......the Nazis were out there somewhere. When day light came we were given the order to attack. It wasn't the glorious victory I had dreamed about, where the enemy fall in your path, silently with out making a stand for themselves. No. The air was filled with smoke and fire. People were screaming in agony as bullets tore through them. I was battling a young man, I had nothing against killing the enemy, but this lad was only a boy. I began to have second thoughts about killing the Nazis next generation. Silly, I know. He didn't seem to have any qualms against killing me though. His bullet ricocheted into me. I gasped and collapsed to my knees. Blood created a blanket over my icy body. I could feel the air whistling through the hole in my abdomen. I wasn't going to get out of this one alive. I relax as the agony dwindles to a throbbing pain in my side. So long as I don't move I won't die in too much pain. I don't see him coming until it's too late. He falls, his gun piercing my body. Blood spurts in a waterfall from yet another wound. Can't I just die in peace? That is when I see who the dead Nazi is. He is young, brown hair flops over his eyes. His hands are stained with the blood of many.......including mine. Karma has come around. My shooter is dead.

I can feel the end coming now. I'm coughing blood and my body aches. I feel dry and shriveled as my life blood leaks from puncture holes. I cough again. The sky seems brighter, the dark smoky haze has lifted to reveal a field. This field holds the bodies of many a hopeful young man. To be fathers. Husbands and brothers. Many mothers would grieve this night. Death has rolled his dice, raised his sickle and taken the unlucky from life. Looks like I'm one of them. I can see the light again. The sun shines brightly, sending light cascading over all these blackened men. I breath a final breath. Now I'm just another body on a field. Dead because I showed mercy.
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						Last edited by Charlotte S; 12-28-2016 at 02:38 PM.
					
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Old 02-27-2017, 11:35 PM View Post #2 (Link) Just a little review...
Skylnn-writes (Offline)
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Hey! The title of this story caught my attention so I thought I'd read it and give you my opinion.

First off, I would like to say that it was a very well written story. I just wanted to point out a couple of things that caught my attention as I was reading.

"where the enemy fall in your path" you should probably switch enemy to enemies.

"I was battling a young man, I had nothing against killing the enemy, but this lad was only a boy." After young man, change the comma to a semicolon or a period so it isn't a run-on sentence.

"This field holds the bodies of many a hopeful young man." This sentence seemed a little awkward to me with the a hopeful young man.

That is all I have to say about this wonderful story. I really liked the way you ended the character's life. It was neither abrupt nor blunt, and you led in to it very nicely.

I hope my review is helpful when you are editing this
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Old 02-28-2017, 02:11 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Charlotte S (Offline)
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Thanks. Just a quick question, are you on young writers society? I will bear this in mind when I am editing.
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Old 03-01-2017, 10:22 AM View Post #4 (Link)
Rose (Offline)
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Crit ticket.

I'm pretty sure you probably don't know what this means as this phrase hasn't been used in ages. Buuuut it basically means that I have no time to critique this at the moment so I'll just let you know that I am willing to review it soon. Spot Reserved.
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Old 04-13-2017, 10:21 AM View Post #5 (Link) My reveiw
Rebekah (Offline)
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Hi Charlotte S

I loved reading I am a soldier. The vocabulary and phrases you used fitted into the piece very well and allowed me to picture what you were writing about. The only thing I would say, is that in some parts you need to check your tense. You must decide whether you are re-telling the story or whether it is happening right now, then stick to that throughout.
Rebekah
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