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Old 03-09-2016, 03:06 AM View Post #1 (Link) Nothing but a Friend
Spiderman (Offline)
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I'm new to this site, and I'm only 13 - so excuse me for my awful writing skills. I'd like some feedback so I know how I can get better, and how I can perfect what I've done. I'm horrible at making long stories, so I'll make this short and sweet.

He's nothing but a friend. That's what I tell myself every day, and every time he grins at me, and I feel my heart flutter inside my chest. After all, I've only known him since the beginning of this year. That isn't enough time to understand my feelings, but I can't deny the way my heart skips a beat when I make him happy.
David. That one word makes me stop. There's nothing about his features that I'm attracted too. I find myself attracted to blondes, who are cute. David? He's nothing of the sort. He has short, brown hair and nothing like my old crush, Jamie. That prooves it all - he's nothing but a friend.
These thoughts stroll through my mind as I stare blankly at the board. My math teacher, who is French as well, stands pointing at the board and talking about Algebra. She has the habit of calling out on random people, but I don't understand what she's saying so I won't even try to listen. It's easier thinking about David.
I shoot him a glance. He sits right across the table from me. Sometimes he looks at me. But not very often. He's leaning back in his chair, his arms up, crossing over the back of his head as he watches Madame Bellavance. I can't say he's attractive - he's not, admittedly. His teeth aren't close to straight, and his face is nothing special. But still, my heart skips a beat when he grins at me, or even looks at me.
Our teacher's words stop, and he looks over at me. I've been staring for too long. My head snaps away, quick enough that pain shoots through my neck. Ow. Biting my lip, I don't dare to look if he's still looking my way. Why do I feel this way? Why? I can't possibly like him, no way. I'm not attracted to him at all.
I set my chin in the palm of my hand, running my tongue along the roof of my mouth. My teacher's stopped, and has started handing out homework. David stands, bringing my attention back to him. He walks away from the table, towards Madame Bellavance. I take the opportunity to glance down at his open binder. On it is a bag, with slime inside of it.
We have a school project to make something and sell it in front of the school. This must be his prototype. I stretch my neck a little, examining it, before reaching out a finger to touch it. The bag squishes under my finger. Gross, but cool.
I hear footsteps, and I look up to see David walking back to his binder. I quickly take my hand back, smiling weakly. He grins, having seen me jerk away from his slime. He shakes his finger at me, making my heart melt. Scolding me. I know I'm blushing, without having a mirror in front of me, so I look away.
My heart still melting inside of my chest, I heave a small sigh. No, he's certainly nothing but a friend.
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Old 03-23-2016, 04:18 PM View Post #2 (Link)
ScottyMcGee (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Spiderman View Post
I'm new to this site, and I'm only 13 - so excuse me for my awful writing skills. I'd like some feedback so I know how I can get better, and how I can perfect what I've done. I'm horrible at making long stories, so I'll make this short and sweet.

Next time it's better to separate the paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes to read on the screen. So I'll separate them myself here.

He's nothing but a friend. That's what I tell myself every day, and every time he grins at me, and I feel my heart flutters inside my chest. After all, I've only known him since the beginning of this year. That isn't enough time to understand my feelings, but I can't deny the way my heart skips a beat when I make him happy.

You know I kind of like that opening. Could be a little too gushy. Maybe? Not sure. But I like how it opens with the line "He's nothing but a friend."

David. That one word namemakes me stop. There's nothing about his features that I'm physically attracted too. There's a better way to word this to make it sound more direct. Like "I'm not actually physically attracted to him, funny enough."I find myself attracted to blondes, who are cute. David? He's nothing of the sort. He has short, brown hair and he'snothing like my old crush, Jamie. That prooves proves it all - he's nothing but a friend.

These thoughts stroll through my mind as I stare blankly at the board. My math teacher, who is French as well, Seems like a pointless detail. The fact that she's French doesn't really add to anything here stands pointing at the board and talking about Algebra. She has the habit of calling out on random people, but I don't understand what she's saying so I won't even try to listen. It's easier thinking about David.

I shoot him a glance. He sits right across the table from me. Sometimes he looks at me. But not very often. He's leaning back in his chair, his arms up, crossing over the back of his head as he watches Madame Bellavance. I can't say he's attractive - he's not, admittedly. His teeth aren't close to straight, and his face is nothing special. But still, my heart skips a beat when he grins at me, or even looks at me. I feel like this is redundant - as we already know she doesn't find him attractive. You should place the description of his teeth in the other paragraph where she says she's not actually attracted towards him. Instead of stating again that her heart skips a beat, maybe describe her nervousness and fluttering reaction thinking if he's gonna look at her or not.

Our teacher's words stop, Awkwardly worded. Try "Our teacher stopped lecturing"and he looks over at me. I've been staring for too long. My head snaps away, quick enough that pain shoots through my neck. Ow. Biting my lip, I don't dare to look if he's still looking my way. Why do I feel this way? Why? I can't possibly like him, no way. I'm not attracted to him at all.

I set my chin in the palm of my hand, running my tongue along the roof of my mouth. My teacher's stopped, and has started handing out homework. David stands, bringing my attention back to him. He walks away from the table, towards Madame Bellavance. I take the opportunity to glance down at his open binder. On it is a bag, with slime inside of it.

We have a school project to make something and sell it in front of the school. This must be his prototype. I stretch my neck a little, examining it, before reaching out a finger to touch it. The bag squishes under my finger. Gross, but cool. This project is very vague for me to understand how slime is involved.

I hear footsteps, and I look up to see David walking back to his binder. I quickly take my hand back, smiling weakly. He grins, having seen me jerk away from his slime. He shakes his finger at me, making my heart melt. Scolding me. Scolding? That's pretty tough. I know I'm blushing, without having a mirror in front of me, so I look away.

My heart still melting inside of my chest, I heave a small sigh. No, he's certainly nothing but a friend.
Alright, like you said you're young so there's a lot to learn here. This isn't really a short story in itself. It feels like an excerpt from a novel, or the opening to a novel. Your imagery is repetitive, you keep mentioning her heart skipping a beat and melting. You start out good, but it could definitely be a lot better. This is nothing right now to be a short story - you should actually try elaborating on it and maybe you develop an idea for a novel! Doesn't have to be like 200 pages or something. Don't worry about how long it is and just feel the story and write what comes natural to you.
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Old 04-01-2016, 01:24 PM View Post #3 (Link) More than a friend
4a4a7a (Offline)
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Green is Great. Amber needs Attention.

He's nothing but a friend. That's what I tell myself every day, and every time he grins at me, and I feel my heart flutter inside my chest. After all, I've only known him since the beginning of this year. That isn't enough time to understand my feelings, but I can't deny the way my heart skips a beat when I make him happy.

David. That one word makes me stop. There's nothing about his features that I'm attracted too. I find myself attracted to blondes, who are cute. But David? He's nothing of the sort. He has short, brown hair and nothing like my old crush, Jamie. That prooves it all - he's nothing but a friend.

These thoughts stroll through my mind as I stare blankly at the board. My math teacher, who is French as well, stands pointing at the board and talking about Algebra. She has the habit of calling out on random people, but I don't understand what she's saying so I won't even try to listen. It's easier thinking about David.

I shoot him a glance. He sits right across the table from me. Sometimes he looks at me. But not very often. He's leaning back in his chair, his arms up, crossing over the back of his head as he watches Madame Bellavance. I can't say he's attractive - he's not, admittedly. His teeth aren't close to straight, and his face is nothing special. But still, my heart skips a beat when he grins at me, or even looks at me.

Our teacher's words stop, and he looks over at me. I've been staring for too long. My head snaps away, quick enough that pain shoots through my neck. Ow. Biting my lip, I don't dare to look if he's still looking my way. Why do I feel this way? Why? I can't possibly like him, no way. I'm not attracted to him at all.

I set my chin in the palm of my hand, running my tongue along the roof of my mouth. My teacher's stopped, and has started handing out homework. David stands, bringing my attention back to him. He walks away from the table, towards Madame Bellavance. I take the opportunity to glance down at his open binder. On it is a bag, with slime inside of it.

We have a school project to make something and sell it in front of the school. This must be his prototype. I stretch my neck a little, examining it, before reaching out a finger to touch it. The bag squishes under my finger. Gross, but cool.

I hear footsteps, and I look up to see David walking back to his binder. I quickly take my hand back, smiling weakly. He grins, having seen me jerk away from his slime. He shakes his finger at me, making my heart melt. Scolding me. I know I'm blushing, without having a mirror in front of me, so I look away.

My heart still melting inside of my chest, I heave a small sigh. No, he's certainly nothing but a friend.
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Old 04-11-2016, 09:21 AM View Post #4 (Link) :)
potterhead99 (Offline)
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Hey,
Your writing style is very developed for someone so young. I am very much a beginner like you, but I still don't have such sophisticated ideas! Awesome job!

A few pointers:
You repeated the 'my heart skips a beat' thing quite a lot - while effective at the start it sort of got repetitive and lost its original strength at the end.
The ending was very nice.
However, work on the paragraphing and the structure. I probably sound like your teacher but their needs to be some sort of introduction climax and conclusion. Although, I am certainly guilty of doing what you did.

Anyway, really good job, you handled mature themes very well, however, it was a little bit cliched. Congratulations and keep writing!!
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Old 04-12-2016, 07:18 PM View Post #5 (Link)
MYAnna_M (Offline)
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Good for 13 years old, not that I'm any expert yet. One thing though... Was the bag of slime exactly necessary? It kind of deterred from thinking about the feelings and why and stuff and jumped onto an inanimate object that didn't - as far as I could tell - support the story's main points. Maybe I just didn;t find it though. very good,, though. And I agree on the "my heart skips a beat" thing though. Oh! And awesome job using present tense! It pulls the reader in directly and lets them imagine it.
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Old 04-19-2016, 09:02 PM View Post #6 (Link)
aliceethecat (Offline)
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I'd say your writing skills are pretty good for your age I really like the story so far, and the ending was awesome, keep up the good work
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Old 10-25-2016, 03:20 PM View Post #7 (Link) Review
Kronnersgirl (Offline)
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Awee, this was really sweet! I liked this a lot. I totally get where you are coming from, because I felt the same way when I was 13 years old!

You should space out your paragraphs a little more, girlie. It makes the story easier to read.

Write on!
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Old 11-22-2016, 08:34 PM View Post #8 (Link) My review
Rebekah (Offline)
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That is a great piece of writing considering your age. You have a great imagination and good writing skills. I would suggest checking again and again. Even though it will get repetitive, you might spot something the second time you read it that you missed the first time round. This way you can improve it and produce an even better piece of writing! In summary, I loved this piece and I will definitely read more of your work.
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Old 11-23-2016, 11:54 PM View Post #9 (Link)
hannah55 (Offline)
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For some reason I really identified with the main character. I think most people will have inexplainable crushes over time and you did a great job explaining exactly how that feels. I am not an expert myself on gramma, plot or anything like that, but I thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of the story. That bit shined through more than anything else and I think that it is an impressive achievement
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