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Old 11-30-2016, 08:33 PM View Post #1 (Link) The Way You Bleed-possible ending
Jaclynwrites (Offline)
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Hey guys! First post so-cute me some slack. This is the ending of a piece I've been working on for some time now (I always work on the ending before the beginning) please post some replies! Thanks!
“Iris?” I ask. It is a quiet afternoon. A mixture of sleet and snow is falling outside, and oddity for November in Florence. The fire is glowing, and my two, young nieces are playing in the kitchen. Iris is reading. I am sorting out notecards for a project.

Iris puts down her book. “Yeah, Drew?”

“I’ve always wondered…” I pause, wondering how to word such a hard question. “How did you grieve? I never really saw you much afterwards, and I was in such a haze back then..” I trail off, seeing as how she understands.

She smiles a sad smile.

“Well,” She begins, as if she is about to tell a long story. “I wasn’t exactly a calm griever back then, if there even is one.” She laughs a little, and for a second it relieves tension. “After I came home from the hospital, you were upstairs asleep then, I was still in a little bit of shock. I kept thinking that this was all some sort of joke or something, and we would all the sudden hear from the doctors that she had come back again. Its ridicules, I know, but when you’re in that much distress and agony you think the strangest things. You could say I was in denial, but I didn’t know it then, I guess.

“It wasn’t until after the funeral that it finally hit me. And when it hit me, if hit me hard as a train. I was yelling at mom and dad, and I broke a few flower pots and picture frames because I was picking up things at random and chucking them in a million directions. I don’t even remember what I was yelling about but I don’t think it even mattered at that point. I was just so, so angry and I don’t even know why.

“That was when I threw together a tooth brush and my wallet and a few bras, hopped in my car and never came back. I was driving so erratically I’m still surprised that I didn’t get a ticket. I invited myself over to stay at some friends’ houses while I tried to figure out my life. It was then I realized that being really angry is just like being drunk; you have no idea what you’re doing, and in your sub conscience you know you should stop, but you don’t. And when you don’t, you wreck everything.

“Anyways, I decided I needed a break after a few weeks and just drove. Not anger driving, like I did before, but I just needed to calm down and take my mind off of things. I was at the top of Cedar’s Cliff looking out at the ocean, like we used to do as kids, and I just simply broke down. I sobbed and howled and just…let everything out. It was relieving, and it felt good in a way.

“After that I drove back and considered some things. The world was going to turn tomorrow and I needed to decide what I was going to do about that. I could either try, and fail, to turn against the world and wallow in my sorrows for forever, or I could get up and turn with it. That was when I thought Iris Brooke, the Earth keeps spinning and the sun keeps shining. Its time you do the same. And I did.

“This doesn’t mean you forget or you try to ignore it or pretend that it didn’t happen. What happened to Vivianne is a story that’s forever printed on our hearts and it’s become a part of us somehow, and it’s important that we remember to keep her spirit alive here. It just means that you heal. You won’t be the same, and you accept that. You keep moving forward, because you decide that you won’t let your past experiences hold you down. You adjust to a new normal and you find a happy. It won’t be the same as your old one, but the point is to try to find happiness again. If you stop trying, that’s when grief wins.

“What happened to Vivianne was horrifying and terrible and I will never deny that. And I’m not saying that you’ll never be sad or that emotions will never come up again, because they will and that’s okay. There are still some days when I fall on my knees and cry in the shower, but it’s just because of how far I’ve come and I never thought that I would get here. And I still get sad about Vivianne, and there are some days that I miss her violently, but those days will always come and go, you know?

“Then I see these little rascals,” She gestures to her children who are playing in the kitchen. “And it makes up for it, a little. It wasn’t until I had my first one that I truly scarred over some. Nothing can truly replace her, but it’s funny how life comes full circle sometimes. Violet shares her birthday with Vivianne’s, after all.

She breathes. “And your thoughts?”

“We grieve differently.” And it feels good to say it.

“And that’s okay, Drew.”
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Old 12-03-2016, 10:12 PM View Post #2 (Link)
hannah55 (Offline)
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This is a fine ending if you ask me though there are a relatively high number of spelling errors/typos. If you'd like I can read it through again and give you my feedback, but for know I would rather like to focus on the more important stuff.

Everyone who has ever lost someone would be able to nod approvingly at how you have describe the sorrow that comes after the death of someone you hold dear. I think that you caught the feeling on that extremely well.

The paragraph starting with “What happened to Vivianne was horrifying..." was very good in particular. I recently saw a movie where the same feeling was described. It was compared to trying to get out of an ocean, but constantly being put down by the waves. As time goes by and the sorrow becomes easier to handle, there will be longer and longer between the waves, but the next one will always come regardless of what you do. Just thought that this was very like what you have described and maybe you can find some inspiration in the comparison.

There is one odd phrases though. "She smiles a sad smile." could be described better. In what way does her smile look sad? Can you see it in her eyes?

Also I would like to know how Drew grieved. Perhaps this is in the other parts of the story, but it would be interesting to her about her way of grieving as well.
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Old 12-06-2016, 07:15 AM View Post #3 (Link)
Charlotte S (Offline)
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This is really good. I agree with @hannah55 there are typos and spelling mistakes.

Have you written this out of experience, you have captured the grieve to perfection. I love when you say 'we grieve differently.' This is a beautiful line.

Your grammar could use some work. You have put, in the first paragraph, 'the fire is glowing and, my two, young nieces are playing in the kitchen.' You don't need as many coma's. You could put,
'The fire was glowing and my two young nieces were playing in the kitchen.'

A way to remedy typos and spelling mistakes is proof read. Always go through your writing. It helps.

Although there are mistakes, this is a beautiful piece of work.
Be awesome.
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Do whatever you need to do to achieve your goals.
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Also, if you want me to critique some of your writing VM or PM me.
						Last edited by Charlotte S; 12-06-2016 at 12:52 PM.
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