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Old 12-29-2007, 05:27 AM View Post #11 (Link)
Rafael Domination (Offline)
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I'll do it tonight, then...
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Old 12-29-2007, 05:28 AM View Post #12 (Link)
Nyx (Offline)
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Awww! Thank you, Thank you! -hugs Rif-Raff- -hides from Zaphy for that-
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What I don't like about this site is that there isn't enough social drama.
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Old 12-29-2007, 05:28 AM View Post #13 (Link)
Rafael Domination (Offline)
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Oh great...it's gonna take me weeks to get the cooties off...
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Old 12-29-2007, 05:30 AM View Post #14 (Link)
Nyx (Offline)
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oh shut it!

I bet you wouldn't mind about cooties if it was Imelda hugging you
*stacy's mom has got it goin' on
She's all I want*-Riff-Raff

[/spam]
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What I don't like about this site is that there isn't enough social drama.
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Old 12-29-2007, 06:04 AM View Post #15 (Link)
Rafael Domination (Offline)
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Yeah! It’s Raf, Az and Mike to the rescue


Mlle. Formage paced the laboratory impatiently. Her long blonde hair swayed from side to side as her pace (the word pace seems to repetitive) quickened and slowed unevenly. Clenching her yellow tinted hands seemed to be giving (giving help? Or helping calm down her jumpy nerves?) little help to her jumpy nerves. She was often considered a patient woman, but waiting for the results of this experiment was too intriguing, too important. Finally, the laboratory door flew open and Mozzarella walked in. His short and thin body stumbled forward towards Mlle. Formage, holding a sheet of paper in his clumsy hands. Mlle. Formage almost pushed him to the ground as she pulled the paper from his hands. She didn’t lift her speckled hazel eyes from the paper as Mozzarella stumbled back and caught himself before crashing onto the marble floor. (Good.)

Mozzarella was a kind man, that is if you could call him a man (
repetitive.You could replace ‘man’ with ‘one’.). He was one of the first successful results of Mlle. Formage’s experiments to be more precise. As she had, and was still struggling for many years, to find out the right and precise way to turn cheese into man. She herself had been transformed to her human shape by an untraceable spell, but she could only attempt to give other cheeses the same privilege with the aide of science. The spell explained the difference between her physical appearance and Mozzarella’s. While she was tall, fit, broad shouldered and strong, he was extremely short, thin, weak and as some more heartless would say, hideous. He watched Mlle. Formage’s sharp golden eyes scan the page, and he saw the expected disappointment pass across her face. (Wow. Barely any mistakes)

Eventually, after having read the notes a few times, Mlle. Formage placed the sheet of paper on a clean, white desk by her side. Without even acknowledging Mozzarella, she walked towards the coat-rack in the corner of the room. The coat-rack (
repetitive. Maybe if you just said ‘rack’) was only a meter high so that Mozzarella would be able to use it as well as the other staff on the CDA, Cheese Development Agency. The mademoiselle’s hands grabbed at her coat with a violent grip, this was enough to show that she was surely not happy with the results. She pulled the dark yellow jacket over her pale lab coat and slipped her muscular arms in the sleeves without difficulty. If I got used to my human form so quickly, who says that they can’t, she thought. She motioned for Mozzarella to follow her, her authority making it clear that he did not have a choice in the matter.

A few minutes later they were seated in her car, a brand new yellow Porsche. Mozzarella was barely visible from the outside of the car as his small hands scrabbled for the seat belt. He wasn’t quite comfortable with his human body yet, (
full stop here) it took him a while to get his fingers to grasp around the seat belt and another ten minutes for him to pull it on. Stephanie Fromage tapped her feet impatiently; her sparkly golden high-heels clicked as they hit the leather floor of the car repeatedly. She gave Mozzarella an aggravated glare, to which he responded with an apologetic smile, the first human expression he had mastered. Finally, Mlle. Formage (isn’t it fromage?) turned the key and the engine roared to life. She sped out of the tall yellow building’s parking lot, while Mozzarella looked over his shoulder to marvel at the building with the huge image of a piece of cheese posted upon its main wall. Despite her bad mood, Mlle. Formage chuckled at the fact that he still found the big buildings so interesting and surreal. She accelerated, turned the stereo on and the car sped past the large fall trees which surrounded the building in a protecting manner.

Mozzarella grinned, like a young child who had just discovered something completely new, as he attempted to nod his head to the rhythm of Mademoiselle’s favorite song that boomed from the stereo at full volume. He always found it funny that Mlle. Formage was supposed to be “keeping a low profile” when in town. Even with his little knowledge of the human life, he could easily observe that the flashy yellow Porsche with the license plate “C.H.E.E.S.E”, accompanied by the blasting music was anything but unremarkable. What he didn’t understand, was that the music itself provoked so many more stares and amused looks towards the speeding car.

“It’s cheese!
Yea you gotta be able to shake it like
Cheese.
You gotta move it like, shake it like, dance around like
Cheese.
Hey you from New York or Quebec?
It doesn’t matter one bite (one bit)
You better not just eat cheese,
But also shake it like it,” Mlle. Formage sang along with the rap song’s chorus distractedly, while she looked around for The New Developments Office. (
The last two paragraphs deserve a lot of blue…)

After a thirty minute drive, which would’ve have lasted at least an hour if Mlle. Formage had not been driving with a speed so much higher than the speed limit (
still awkwardly worded. Refer to my past crit on this part), she spotted the office and drove into The New Developments Office parking lot. She was too nervous to wait for Mozzarella to struggle with his seat-belt. She leaned over, took it out for him and pushed his door open. He walked out slowly, while Mlle. Formage was already by his side, out of the car and had the doors locked. She pulled his hand so to make him walk faster than his usual pace. She swiped her card on the door’s side and the metal locks clicked open. She walked in, slamming the door behind her.

The secretary, a large woman in big, military boots and a camouflage hat jumped to her feet. She moved across to the front of the desk, facing Mlle. Formage who observed her with genuine distaste. The woman looked at her accusingly, waiting for her to say something. Mlle. Formage however, was not in the mood for small chit-chat and nudged the woman aside, dragging baffled Mozzarella behind her, as she strode towards the main office. The secretary twisted around, her army boots making a nasty crunching sound, Mlle. Formage suspected that this was because they were giving away under the woman’s weight. (
ahaha! Witty. Good.)

“Stephanie, I’ve warned you before to not come marching in here!” the secretary snapped.

“For god’s sake Betty, this is important,” Mlle. Formage responded hastily.

“Mr. Grand is busy-”

“Please don’t give me that load of mice,” Mlle. Formage interrupted with impatience (
with impatience is too long. Impatiently would have been better), “He sure as mold isn’t busy enough to stop ruining my work!”

“Stephanie, there’s more to our lives than your desperate experiments with the useless dairy products!” Betty’s voice was rising in defense, as she hated being interrupted.

There was an awfully long pause as poor Mozzarella let out a traumatized gasp. Stephanie understood of course, he wasn’t used to people using such crude terms when addressing his origins. She however, had grown used to all of it, the appalling way the younger humans called cliché movies “cheesy”, and the shocking habits of the adults to allow their little children to play with long cheese strings. It was still very rude of course but she wasn’t as sensitive as Mozzarella whose little body trembled with the effect of his shock. Mlle. Formage shook her head, Betty was always getting in her way; so she had promised herself that when she got the chance, she would turn Betty into the tiniest piece of cheese that would end up crushed in the large, chubby fingers of a human like herself.

“Now if you are done horrifying my friend, then we’ll get going,” Mlle. Formage finished off her words with a glare.

While tugging at Mozzarella’s sleeve, Mlle. Formage pulled him towards the office and pulled the bland white door open. Mr. Grand sat at on a large chair behind a computer screen, while smoking a thick cigar. Mlle. Formage who used to have coughing fits when around the revolting smell was now used to this odd phenomenon. She stormed towards his desk and sat down on a chair opposite him without invitation. Mozzarella stood in the doorway, still too shocked to move without Mlle. Formage’s help. Mr. Grand smoothed his brown and thick mustache, puffing the cigar patiently without saying a word.

“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?” Mlle. Formage said in a loud and aggressive voice. (
nice challenge)

“About what, Stephanie? I can’t help you anymore, the experiments are getting out of hand,” Mr. Grand chuckled arrogantly, tempting Mlle. Formage to get up and kick his large and round stomach with her sharp heels.

“There’s nothing out of hand about my experiments, you shut down the CDA because I am getting too close to succeeding.”

“That’s not true, although so what if I don’t want a bunch of cheese-men marching around my city?”

“We had a deal, either you allow me to go on with my experiments or I will do it illegally.”

“Was that a threat?” Mr. Grand’s voice shook as it rose, his black and white polka dotted bowtie trembled from the effect of his voice.

“Evidently, and it will continue to be so until you release the results of my experiment to me.”

“You would truly consider crashing the building if I don’t show you the results?” Mr. Grand already knew the answer that was confirmed by Mlle. Formage’s nod, “Fine, then. Black mailed by the cheese woman, what is my life becoming.” (
Well, not exactly rapid-fire dialogue, but interesting enough…)

As he cursed under his breath, Mr. Grand stood up, his tuxedo stretching around his large body. He left the cigar in a tacky, golden ashtray on his desk and led Mlle. Formage, who pulled Mozzarella, to the laboratory on the second level.

The white walls of the laboratory were lined with pictures of the experiments of the town, everything from the sugar free sugar to the device that cloned your pets, the pet². However, none of these experiments and inventions were as remarkable as what stood before the hardly-pleased Mr. Grand, ecstatic Mlle. Formage and Mozzarella who was jumping clumsily, feet flying everywhere, up and down with excitement. (
Okay…the boys were brought in using such a hasty manner that I kinda got lost for a second. Maybe if you split this paragraph up here. Establish the idea that something is about to be seen, and then establish that there were two boys standing there) Mlle. Formage slowly approached the boys who sat in an odd, sprawled out position, on the ground before her. Her movements were more elegant than cautious. She paused for only a fraction of a second before extending a hand to the taller of the two boys, who looked up with frightened blue eyes. The boy’s hand shook tremendously as it grasped Mademoiselle’s. However, his frightened expression softened, as he felt the soft, smooth skin of her yellow tinted hands.

“Welcome (
welcome? Isn’t it hello?), Cheddar,” Mlle. Formage squeaked in an excited tone.

The boy nodded awkwardly, not quite sure what the words meant. Mlle. Formage stared at him silently, amazed at her own creation. The boy was not short, unlike Mozzarella; he almost measured up to Mlle. Formage’s height in her high heels. His hair was shoulder length, a shade of human blond, sparkly and clean. Mlle. Formage had to try hard to keep from jumping and screaming like a 12 year-old girl who had just bought her favorite top. She helped the shaky boy gain balance on the polished floor before extending a hand to the other boy. He had not been watching them; his hazel eyes were instead targeted towards Mozzarella to whom he had felt an uncanny connection.

The boy, like his friend, smiled at the Mademoiselle’s warm touch against his paler skin. His hair was short cropped, with sliver streaks upon bleached blonde curls. Mlle. Formage noted with affection that his smile was so different, so unique, that it made him truly human. What was more, his full scarlet lips seemed to curl into a smile with ease, almost effortlessly. This achievement was beyond great, from poor Mozzarella, who barely managed to show a human emotion with his thin and barely visible lips, to a boy who was even rather handsome. Mademoiselle shook his hand and he copied the action immediately, as though with understanding. Mademoiselle smiled with pure joy before welcoming the boy. (
great descriptions)

“And welcome to you too, Feta,” she said.

***

The frosty winter and the rainy spring days were spent with great pleasure and struggles as Mlle. Formage was accompanied everyday by Feta and Cheddar, in her lively decorated office. Feta and Cheddar would spend hours staring at the yellow posters on the pearly white walls, struggling to pronounce the names of different types of cheese. Mlle. Formage was not soft on the newly transformed boys; she kept them hard at work, teaching them how to talk as though teaching a newborn. During their breaks, the boys learned to eat, an experience they had never had. They started with slowly nibbling on pieces of toast, but soon enough, hunger kicked in and they proceeded to eat all that was placed on their shiny, yellow plates. After all this time, the boys were becoming human and they were learning much faster than Mlle. Formage had thought possible in her wildest dreams. (
good transition through time)

The air was hot and stuffy in the summer, when the boys were learning to play soccer from Mlle. Formage who had reluctantly replaced her favorite heels with gold striped Nike trainers. She showed them simple hand-eye and foot-eye coordination but soon enough, the young students had surpassed their teacher, who with great pleasure sat aside on the cool, green grass. At-least half an hour passed with the boys kicking the soccer ball around before something truly impressive took place

From the distance, Mlle. Formage saw them coming. Two young girls, seeming to be about 15 years-old (the same age that Cheddar and Feta appeared to be), were giggling delightedly as they approached the two boys. The shorter of the two, a spunky red-head with green glazed eyes and three piercings on each eyebrow, was eyeing Mlle. Formage, as though wondering if she was with the boys. Mlle. Formage quickly turned her head away from Cheddar and Feta, pretending to be indulged in the book she was only reading out of anger, 300 Delicious Recipes for Cheese. From the corner of her eyes, Mlle. Formage watched as the other girl approached the boys first. I hope this goes well, (
italicize her thoughts) Mlle. Formage thought, and for god’s sake please remember your human names!

When the girls had managed to stop giggling irritably, the brunette introduced herself and her friend. Her voice was soft and melodic, as she toyed with her kinky hair.

“Hi there, I’m Jane, and this is Jules. Haven’t seen you aroun’ before,” she said flirtatiously, although Mlle. Formage wasn’t sure if Feta and Cheddar would notice.

“Erm, hi,” Cheddar said. He was struggling with doubt, this being his first conversation with a real human after all. However he managed to remember the human names they had picked before continuing, “I’m Chad, and this is F.T.” (
Chad and FT? Great use of names.)

That was all it took, a charmingly shy hello and the sight of the boys’ handsome looks, for the girls to find their new friends. They spent almost all afternoon with them, joking around and seriously impressing Mlle. Formage who watched with awe. When the sky darkened, the girls gave the “Chad” and “F.T” a small kiss on the cheek before parting. If the boys hadn’t been completely solid humans, they would have melted into soft yellow liquid before Mlle. Formage’s sharp eyes.

The Mademoiselle led the boys who were still in a dreamy state to the car. They both sat in the back, talking about the strange emotion that had filled up their bodies when the girls’ lips had made contact with their bronze, tanned skin. Despite herself, Mademoiselle Formage could not help but feel a tang of envy towards the boys who seemed to have found the key to the one emotion she had yet to discover, love. (
Ahh…turning up the interesting elements in the plot, I see)

The drive to the CDA, Cheese Development Agency, was silent and calm. Feta and Cheddar, who now seemed to be much more like Chad and F.T, excitedly whispered in the back. Mlle. Formage was leaning her head back on the leather chair of the yellow Porsche which, as she observed, would need to be washed soon. Feta and Cheddar’s voices were eventually silenced as they lost their way in their own trains of thought. Both boys stared out their windows, watching the luscious, green trees pass by. The cool breeze that slithered inside the open window was welcomed, sweet and gentle. The breeze teased their hair, pushing Cheddar’s longer hair from side to side on his broad shoulders. When Mlle. Formage pulled into the parking lot and shut the engine off with the bright yellow key, she looked back to find the boys lost in deep slumber.

***

Five Years Later

“Chad, honey? Please keep your experiments out of the apartment!” came the teasing voice of a young woman. (
Another great transition from one time to the next)

“Ah, sorry Amelia, it’s hard to train dogs when they don’t understand commands. You know, if it hadn’t been for Stephanie Formage’s experiments, I’d be completely lost right now,” Chad answered.

“Well, now, don’t worry. You’ll succeed. You know, Trevor? The dog you transformed from cheddar three weeks ago? He actually fetched the newspaper for me this morning,” Amelia, Chad’s long-time girlfriend, rambled on.

“Oh I always had faith in that one! Now I was thinking about taking a break anyway, would you like to go out to dinner?”

“Sure. We should go to F.T’s new restaurant, the Ads for it are amazing and we haven’t seen him for a while.”

“Alright then, sounds good. I’ll get ready.”

“Wait, Chad?” Amelia paused to stifle a giggle, “could you spare us the yellow suit and matching tie please?”

“I’m not even negotiating the tie, but alright, I guess it’s about time I tried the black suit,” Chad responded cheerfully. He grinned sheepishly as Amelia began to giggle.


Chad Cheddah held Amelia Smith held hands as they entered F.T’s Lounge through the marble double doors. Chad reluctantly accepted Amelia’s compliments on how his black suit matched beautifully with his sharp, blue eyes. At their wooden small table for two, they were greeted by F.T, the owner of the lounge, who embraced the two in a warm hug. Amelia and Chad both praised the yellow and marble themed decorations. It would’ve been a hearty reunion, had F.T not left in a hurry because of a waiter who managed to trip over a customer’s shoe and spill the melting cheese appetizer on the man’s clothes. So, F.T promised that they would catch up later and left Chad and Amelia to wave for a waitress in the yellow dress that was uniformed in the lounge. (
great descriptions on the atmosphere)

Dinner was amazing. A cheese and onion soup, followed by a gourmet meal was quite satisfying to the young couple. Chad only frowned at the end when a waitress handed him the bill. He had to complain to the smiling waitress that there must be a mistake and that there was definitely one too many zeros. However, in the end, F.T said that their meal was on the house, and so Amelia and Chad both left in a delighted mood.

In the silent night, the air was fresh and warm. There was no wind, no noise, just pure and delicate silence. As they walked down the almost empty streets, it felt to Chad and Amelia that there was no one in the word but them. They felt as though nothing existed but their muffled footsteps, and the warmth of each other’s hands. On their moonlit walk they talked about, love, romance, adventure, and cheese. (
Aww…how cute)
Well, sure there were a lot of nitpicky mistakes here and there, but there was nothing too glaring. It may not be a roller-coaster ride of a story, but hey, it entertained me just fine.

Overall Verdict: Good
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Old 12-29-2007, 06:18 AM View Post #16 (Link)
Nyx (Offline)
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Thanks Raffy! That was such a great crit, and very helpful since I had to finish it tonight. I fixed most of the things you pointed out. Thanks again
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Originally Posted by Diocletian View Post
What I don't like about this site is that there isn't enough social drama.
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Old 12-29-2007, 06:21 AM View Post #17 (Link)
Rafael Domination (Offline)
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did you press the nice green button?
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Old 12-29-2007, 06:22 AM View Post #18 (Link)
Nyx (Offline)
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I thought my cootie-fied hug was enough but fine, I gave you a thanks too
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What I don't like about this site is that there isn't enough social drama.
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Old 12-29-2007, 06:27 AM View Post #19 (Link)
Rafael Domination (Offline)
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I wuv you as a sister now!
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Old 12-29-2007, 06:29 AM View Post #20 (Link)
Nyx (Offline)
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I thought you'd be my new daddy since you love Imelda

Ok, Ok , I'm seriously leaving now, I just had to come back because I forgot to pm my story to Carr
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