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Old 12-09-2007, 11:20 PM View Post #1 (Link) Mlle. Formage -short story-
Nyx (Offline)
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This is the short story I've started for the Cheese Contest. This is only the beginning, and I'd appereciate any crit.s and/or comments. Oh and by the way, the title isn't actually" Mlle. Formage" that's just there for now until I can think of something better. Right now I am considering "Cheese-busters"
Anyways here is the story:

Mlle. Formage paced the laboratory impatiently. Her long blonde hair swayed from side to side as her pace quickened and slowed unevenly. Clenching her yellow tinted hands seemed to be giving little help to her jumpy nerves. She was often considered a patient woman, but waiting for the results of this experiment was too intriguing, too important. Finally, the laboratory door flew open and Mozzarella walked in. His short and thin body stumbled forward towards Mlle. Formage, holding a sheet of paper in his clumsy hands. Mlle. Formage almost pushed him to the ground as she pulled the paper from his hands. She didn’t lift her speckled hazel eyes from the paper as Mozzarella stumbled back and caught himself before crashing onto the marble floor.

Mozzarella was a kind man, that is if you could call him a man. He was one of the first successful results of Mlle. Formage’s experiments to be more precise. As she had, and was still struggling for many years, to find out the right and precise way to turn cheese into man. She herself had been transformed to her human shape by an untraceable spell, but she could only attempt to give other cheeses the same privilege with the aide of science. The spell explained the difference between her physical appearance and Mozzarella’s. While she was tall, fit, broad shouldered and strong, he was extremely short, thin, weak and as some more heartless would say, hideous. Now, as usual, his yellow eyes flashes silver mysteriously even though his mood was calm. He watched Mlle. Formage’s sharp golden eyes scan the page, and he saw the expected disappointment pass across her face.

Eventually, after having read the notes a few times, Mlle. Formage placed the sheet of paper on a clean, white desk by her side. Without even acknowledging Mozzarella, she walked towards the coat-rack in the corner of the room. The coat-rack was only a meter high so that Mozzarella would be able to use it as well as the other staff on the CDA, Cheese Development Agency. The mademoiselle’s hands grabbed at her coat with a violent grip- this was enough to show that she was surely not happy with the results. She pulled the dark yellow jacket over her pale lab coat and slipped her muscular arms in the sleeves without difficulty. If I got used to my human form so quickly, who says that they can’t, she thought. She motioned for Mozzarella to follow her, her authority making it clear that he did not have a choice in the matter.

A few minutes later they were seated in her car, a brand new yellow Porsche. Mozzarella was barely visible from the outside of the car as his small hands scrabbled for the seat belt. He wasn’t quite comfortable with his human body yet, it took him a while to get his fingers to grasp around the seat belt and another ten minutes for him to pull it on. Stephanie Formage tapped her feet impatiently; her sparkly golden high-heels clicked as they hit the leather floor of the car repeatedly. She gave Mozzarella an aggravated glare, to which he responded with an apologetic smile, the first human expression he had mastered. Finally, Mlle. Formage turned the key and the engine roared to life. She sped out of the large yellow building’s parking lot, while Mozzarella looked over his shoulder to marvel at the large building with the huge image of a piece of cheese posted upon its main wall. Despite her bad mood, Mlle. Formage chuckled at the fact that he still found the big buildings so interesting and surreal. She accelerated the speed, turned the stereo on and the car sped past the large fall trees which surrounded the building in a protecting manner.

Mozzarella grinned like a young child who had just discovered something completely new, as he attempted to nod his head to the rhythm of Mademoiselle’s favorite song that boomed from the stereo at full volume. He always found it funny that Mlle. Formage was supposed to be “keeping a low profile” when in town. Even with his little knowledge of the human life, he could easily observe that the flashy yellow Porsche with the license plate “C.H.E.E.S.E”, accompanied by the blasting music was anything but unremarkable. What he didn’t understand, was that the music itself provoked so many more stares and amused looks towards the speeding car.

“It’s cheese!
Yea you gotta be able to shake it like
Cheese.
You gotta move it like, shake it like, dance around like
Cheese.
Hey you from New York or Quebec?
It doesn’t matter one bite (one bit)
You better not just eat cheese,
But also shake it like it,” Mlle. Formage sang along with the rap song’s chorus distractedly, while she looked around for The New Developments Office.

After a thirty minute drive, which would’ve have lasted at least an hour if Mlle. Formage had not been driving almost two times faster than the speed limit, she spotted the office and drove into The New Developments Office parking lot. She was too nervous to wait for Mozzarella to struggle with his seat-belt. She leaned over, took it out for him and pushed his door open. He walked out slowly, while Mlle. Formage was already by his side, out of the car and had the doors locked. She pulled his hand so to make him walk faster than his usual pace. She swiped her card on the door’s side and the metal locks clicked open. She walked in, slamming the door behind her.

The secretary, a large woman in big, military boots and a camouflage hat jumped to her feet. She moved across to the front of the desk, facing Mlle. Formage who observed her with genuine distaste. The woman looked at her accusingly, waiting for her to say something. Mlle. Formage however, was not in the mood for small chit-chat and nudged the woman aside, dragging baffled Mozzarella behind her, as she strode towards the main office. The secretary twisted around, her army boots making a nasty crunching sound, Mlle. Formage suspected that this was because they were giving away under the woman’s weight.

“Stephanie, I’ve warned you before to not come marching in here!” the secretary snapped.

“For God’s sake Betty, this is important,” Mlle. Formage responded hastily.

“Mr. Grand is busy-”

“Please don’t give me that load of mice,” Mlle. Formage interrupted with impatience, “He sure as mold isn’t busy enough to stop ruining my work!”

“Stephanie, there’s more to our lives than your desperate experiments with the useless dairy products!” Betty’s voice was rising in defense, as she hated being interrupted.

There was an awfully long pause as poor Mozzarella let out a traumatized gasp. Stephanie understood of course, he wasn’t used to people using such crude terms when addressing his origins. She however, had grown used to all of it, the appalling way the younger humans called cliché movies “cheesy”, and the shocking habits of the adults to allow their little children to play with long cheese strings. It was still very rude of course but she wasn’t as sensitive as Mozzarella whose little body trembled with the effect of his shock. Mlle. Formage shook her head, Betty was always getting in her way; so she had promised herself that when she got the chance, she would turn Betty into the tiniest piece of cheese that would end up crushed in the large, chubby fingers of a human like herself.

“Now if you are done horrifying my friend, then we’ll get going,” Mlle. Formage finished off her words with a glare.

While tugging at Mozzarella’s sleeve, Mlle. Formage pulled him towards the office and pulled the bland white door open. Mr. Grand sat at on a large chair behind a computer screen, while smoking a thick cigar. Mlle. Formage who used to have coughing fits when around the revolting smell was now used to this odd phenomenon. She stormed towards his desk and sat down on a chair opposite him without invitation. Mozzarella stood in the doorway, still too shocked to move without Mlle. Formage’s help. Mr. Grand smoothed his brown and thick mustache, puffing the cigar patiently without saying a word.

“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?” Mlle. Formage said in a loud and aggressive voice.

“About what, Stephanie? I can’t help you anymore, the experiments are getting out of hand,” Mr. Grand chuckled arrogantly, tempting Mlle. Formage to get up and kick his large and round stomach with her sharp heels.

“There’s nothing out of hand about my experiments, you shut down the CDA because I am getting too close to succeeding.”

“That’s not true, although so what if I don’t want a bunch of cheese-men marching around my city?”

“We had a deal, either you allow me to go on with my experiments or I will do it illegally.”

“Was that a threat?” Mr. Grand’s voice shook as it rose, his black and white polka dotted bowtie trembled from the effect of his voice.

“Evidently, and it will continue to be so until you release the results of my experiment to me.”

“You would truly consider crashing the building if I don’t show you the results?” Mr. Grand already knew the answer that was confirmed by Mlle. Formage’s nod, “Fine, then. Black mailed by the cheese woman, what is my life becoming.”

As he cursed under his breath, Mr. Grand stood up, his tuxedo stretching around his large body. He left the cigar in a tacky, golden ashtray on his desk and led Mlle. Formage to the laboratory on the second level.
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Originally Posted by Diocletian View Post
What I don't like about this site is that there isn't enough social drama.
  
						Last edited by Nyx; 12-10-2007 at 05:55 AM.
					
					 Reason: Revision
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Old 12-10-2007, 04:57 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Rafael Domination (Offline)
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A Cheese...I hope this isn't too cheesy!

Get it?

No?

*never mind...*

You know the drill...

This is the short story I've started for the Cheese Contest. It's a rather childish story and this is only the beginning, but I'd appereciate any crit.s and/or comments. Oh and by the way, the title isn't actually" Mlle. Formage" that's just there for now until I can think of something better. Right now I am considering "Cheese-busters"
Anyways here is the story: Ah...now that I know it's childish, I'll be lowering my standards for it...but who knows...considering your talent level, I might just prove you wrong by the end of this crit...

Mlle. Formage paced the laboratory impatiently. Her long blonde hair swayed from side to side as her pace quickened and slowed unevenly. Clenching her yellow tinted hands seemed to be giving little help to her jumpy nerves. She was often considered a patient woman, but waiting for the results of this experiment was too intriguing, too important. Finally, the laboratory door flew open and Mozzarella walked in. His short and thin body stumbled forward towards Mlle. Formage, holding a sheet of paper in his clumsy hands. Mlle. Formage almost pushed him to the ground as she pulled the paper from his hands. She didn’t lift her speckled hazel eyes from the paper as Mozzarella stumbled back and caught himself before crashing onto the marble floor. Nice interesting paragraph...It's not actoin-packed, or too boring, but it has enough in it to catch my interest and wonder what is going on...

Mozzarella was a kind man, A bit of a random and detour-ish change in subject... that is if you could call him a man Never mind...this part makes it all up. On my first read through this, this part made me ignore the earlier part of this scentence...way to crank up the interest level.... He was one of the first successful results of Mlle. Formage’s experiments to be more precise. As she had, and was still struggling for many years, to find out the right and precise way to turn cheese into man. She herself had been transformed to her human shape by an untraceable spell, but she could only attempt to give other cheeses the same privilege with the aide of science. (Interesting and unique) The spell explained the difference between her physical appearance and Mozzarella’s. While she was tall, fit, broad shouldered and strong, he was extremely short, thin, weak and as some more heartless (heartless what? mice? what? ) would say, hideous. Now, as usual, his yellow eyes flashes silver mysteriously even though his mood was calm. He watched Mlle. Formage’s sharp golden eyes scan the page, and he saw the expected disappointment pass across her face. Nice place to leave off...)

Eventually, after having read the notes a few times, Mlle. Formage placed the sheet of paper on a clean, white desk by her side. Without even acknowledging Mozzarella, she walked towards the coat-rack in the corner of the room. The coat-rack was only a meter high so that Mozzarella would be able to use it as well as the other staff on the CDA, Cheese Development Agency. (Interesting environment) The mademoiselle’s hands grabbed at her coat with a violent grip, (hyphen or semi-colon would have been better than a comma) this was enough to show that she was surely not happy with the results. She pulled the dark yellow jacket over her pale lab coat and slipped her muscular arms in the sleeves without difficulty. If I got used to my human form so quickly, who says that they can’t, she thought (Maybe if you put her thoughts in italics...not really a mistake, just saying...). She motioned for Mozzarella to follow her, her authority making it clear that he did not have a choice in the matter.

A few minutes later they were seated in her car, a brand new yellow Yellow...how very cheeselike Porsche. Mozzarella was barely visible from the outside of the car as his small hands scrabbled for the seat belt. He wasn’t quite comfortable with his human body yet, it took him a while to get his fingers to grasp around the seat belt and another ten minutes for him to pull it on. Stephanie Formage tapped her feet impatiently; her sparkly golden high-heels clicked as they hit the leather floor of the car repeatedly. She gave Mozzarella an aggravated glare, to which he responded with an apologetic smile, the first human expression he had mastered. Finally, Mlle. Formage turned the key and the engine roared to life. She sped out of the large yellow building’s parking lot, while Mozzarella looked over his shoulder to marvel at the large building with the huge image of a piece of cheese posted upon its main wall. Despite her bad mood, Mlle. Formage chuckled at the fact that he still found the big buildings so interesting and surreal. She accelerated the speed, turned the stereo on and the car sped past the large fall trees which surrounded the building in a protecting manner. (Good Paragraph...)

Mozzarella grinned, (<---No need for comma here) like a young child who had just discovered something completely new, as he attempted to nod his head to the rhythm of Mademoiselle’s favorite song that boomed from the stereo at full volume. He always found it funny that Mlle. Formage was supposed to be “keeping a low profile” when in town. Even with his little knowledge of the human life, he could easily observe that the flashy yellow Porsche with the license plate “C.H.E.E.S.E”, accompanied by the blasting music was anything but unremarkable. What he didn’t understand, was that the music itself provoked so many more stares and amused looks towards the speeding car. (Hillarious development of character...)

“It’s cheese!
Yea you gotta be able to shake it like
Cheese.
You gotta move it like, shake it like, dance around like
Cheese.
Hey you from New York or Quebec?
It doesn’t matter one bite (one bit)
You better not just eat cheese,
But also shake it like it,” Mlle. Formage sang along with the rap song’s chorus distractedly, while she looked around for The New Developments Office. (Again...very cheesy...in a good way...)

After a thirty minute drive, which would’ve have lasted at least an hour if Mlle. Formage had not been driving with a speed so much higher than the speed ('Speed' too repetitive. Maybe if you specified how much see drove over the limit?...)limit, she spotted the office and drove into The New Developments Office parking lot. She was too nervous to wait for Mozzarella to struggle with his seat-belt. She leaned over, took it out for him and pushed his door open. He walked out slowly, while Mlle. Formage was already by his side, out of the car and had the doors locked. She pulled his hand so to make him walk faster than his usual pace. She swiped her card on the door’s side and the metal locks clicked open. She walked in, slamming the door behind her. Nice paragraph...

The secretary, a large woman in big, military boots and a camouflage hat jumped to her feet. She moved across to the front of the desk, facing Mlle. Formage who observed her with genuine distaste. The woman looked at her accusingly, waiting for her to say something. Mlle. Formage however, was not in the mood for small chit-chat and nudged the woman aside, dragging baffled Mozzarella behind her, as she strode towards the main office. The secretary twisted around, her army boots making a nasty crunching sound, Mlle. Formage suspected that this was because they were giving away under the woman’s weight. Nice paragraph...nothing too glamorously special, but there were no glaring flaws...

“Stephanie, I’ve warned you before to not come marching in here!” the secretary snapped.

“For god’s (<---I respect your wish not to capitalize that word...but in the English language., God is a name and/or title, like the Queen...and names are usually capitalized...not a flaw...just saying...)sake Betty, this is important,” Mlle. Formage responded hastily.

“Mr. Grand is busy-”

“Please don’t give me that load of mice (Load of mice? I'm presuming they're a bad thing...),” Mlle. Formage interrupted with impatience, “He sure as mold isn’t busy enough to stop ruining my work!”

“Stephanie, there’s more to our lives than your desperate experiments with the useless dairy products!” Betty’s voice was rising in defense, as she hated being interrupted. (Great dialogue)

There was an awfully long pause as poor Mozzarella let out a traumatized gasp. Stephanie understood of course, he wasn’t used to people using such crude terms when addressing his origins. She however, had grown used to all of it, the appalling way the younger humans called cliché movies “cheesy”, and the shocking habits of the adults to allow their little children to play with long cheese strings ah...allusions to real life...good. . It was still very rude of course but she wasn’t as sensitive as Mozzarella whose little body trembled with the effect of his shock. Mlle. Formage shook her head, Betty was always getting in her way; so she had promised herself that when she got the chance, she would turn Betty into the tiniest piece of cheese that would end up crushed in the large, chubby fingers of a human like herself.

“Now if you are done horrifying my friend, then we’ll get going,” Mlle. Formage finished off her words with a glare.

While tugging at Mozzarella’s sleeve, Mlle. Formage pulled him towards the office and pulled the bland white door open. Mr. Grand sat at on a large chair behind a computer screen, while smoking a thick cigar. Mlle. Formage who used to have coughing fits when around the revolting smell was now used to this odd phenomenon. She stormed towards his desk and sat down on a chair opposite him without invitation. Mozzarella stood in the doorway, still too shocked to move without Mlle. Formage’s help. Mr. Grand smoothed his brown and thick mustache, puffing the cigar patiently without saying a word.

“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?” Mlle. Formage said in a loud and aggressive voice.

“About what, Stephanie? I can’t help you anymore, the experiments are getting out of hand,” Mr. Grand chuckled arrogantly, tempting Mlle. Formage to get up and kick his large and round stomach with her sharp heels.

“There’s nothing out of hand about my experiments, you shut down the CDA because I am getting too close to succeeding.”

“That’s not true, although so what if I don’t want a bunch of cheese-men marching around my city?”

“We had a deal, either you allow me to go on with my experiments or I will do it illegally.”

“Was that a threat?” Mr. Grand’s voice shook as it rose, his black and white polka dotted bowtie trembled from the effect of his voice.

“Evidently, and it will continue to be so until you release the results of my experiment to me.”

“You would truly consider crashing the building if I don’t show you the results?” Mr. Grand already knew the answer that was confirmed by Mlle. Formage’s nod, “Fine, then. Black mailed by the cheese woman, what is my life becoming.”

As he cursed under his breath, Mr. Grand stood up, his tuxedo stretching around his large body. He left the cigar in a tacky, golden ashtray on his desk and led Mlle. Formage to the laboratory on the second level.

Wow...she's really persuassive to convinve him with that weak threat...but I guess that's just her authoritive personality. Great dialogue and, I found no mistakes...
Childish? Not so much. You underestimate your skills Nyx...

I'm just wondering how this cheese-to-human phenoenon started in the first place. Other than that, I guess this story deserves an Overall Verdict of: Great.
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Old 12-10-2007, 05:43 AM View Post #3 (Link)
Nyx (Offline)
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Thanks for the crit. I still am not sure how to explain how it all started but I'll figure it out in the next part (which I'm hoping you'll read when I post it up!). And I guess I'll fix the stuff you pointed out tomorrow.
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What I don't like about this site is that there isn't enough social drama.
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Old 12-10-2007, 05:54 AM View Post #4 (Link)
Rafael Domination (Offline)
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Take your time!

Sounds like a really interesting and whacky story. I commend you on your ability ti take something as trivial a cheese and make something extraordinary about it!
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Old 12-10-2007, 05:56 AM View Post #5 (Link)
Nyx (Offline)
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Extraordinary-blushes- thanks!

And by the way: I edited the mistakes so now it should be easier for whoever crit.s next
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Originally Posted by Diocletian View Post
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Old 12-12-2007, 05:00 PM View Post #6 (Link)
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Originally Posted by Nyx View Post

Mlle. Formage paced the laboratory impatiently. Her long blonde hair swayed from side to side as her pace quickened and slowed unevenly. Clenching her yellow tinted hands seemed to be giving little help to her jumpy nerves. She was often considered a patient woman, but waiting for the results of this experiment was too intriguing, too important. Finally, the laboratory door flew open and Mozzarella walked in. His short and thin body stumbled forward towards Mlle. Formage, holding a sheet of paper in his clumsy hands. Mlle. Formage almost pushed him to the ground as she pulled the paper from his hands. She didn’t lift her speckled hazel eyes from the paper as Mozzarella stumbled back and caught himself before crashing onto the marble floor. That paragraph was really good, I couldn't find any mistakes in it and I like the description in it. Well done

Mozzarella was a kind man, that is if you could call him a man. He was one of the first successful results of Mlle. Formage’s experiments to be more precise. As she had, and was still struggling for many years, to find out the right and precise way to turn cheese into man. This sentence seems incomplete. I think that after the comma following 'years' you should add 'been trying to' so it reads (without the comma entry) 'As she had... been trying to find out...'She herself had been transformed to her human shape by an untraceable spell, but she could only attempt to give other cheeses the same privilege with the aide of science. The spell explained the difference between her physical appearance and Mozzarella’s. While she was tall, fit, broad shouldered and strong, he was extremely short, thin, weak and as some more heartless would say, hideous.Poor cheddar Now, as usual, his yellow eyes flashesI think it should be 'flashed' silver mysteriously even though his mood was calm. He watched Mlle. Formage’s sharp golden eyes scan the page, and he saw the expected disappointment pass across her face.

Eventually, after having read the notes a few times, Mlle. Formage placed the sheet of paper on a clean, white desk by her side. Without even acknowledging Mozzarella, she walked towards the coat-rack in the corner of the room. The coat-rack was only a meter high so that Mozzarella would be able to use it as well as the other staff on the CDA, Cheese Development Agency. The mademoiselle’sOoh, that's very french of you As is Fromage hands grabbed at her coat with a violent grip- this was enough to show that she was surely not happy with the results. She pulled the dark yellow jacket over her pale lab coat and slipped her muscular arms in the sleeves without difficulty. If I got used to my human form so quickly, who says that they can’t, she thought. She motioned for Mozzarella to follow her, her authority making it clear that he did not have a choice in the matter.

A few minutes later they were seated in her car, a brand new yellow Porsche.I think I'd get sit from seeing so much yellow... Mozzarella was barely visible from the outside of the car as his small hands scrabbled for the seat belt. He wasn’t quite comfortable with his human body yet, it took him a while to get his fingers to grasp around the seat belt and another ten minutes Ten Minutes??? I wonder how angry Mlle was getting...for him to pull it on. Stephanie FormageWait is this still Mlle or someone else in the car? I think you should specify on that because in the next sentence you say Mlle Formage again. tapped her feet impatiently; her sparkly golden high-heels clicked as they hit the leather floor of the car repeatedly. She gave Mozzarella an aggravated glare, to which he responded with an apologetic smile, the first human expression he had mastered. Finally, Mlle. Formage turned the key and the engine roared to life. She sped out of the large yellow building’s parking lot, while Mozzarella looked over his shoulder to marvel at the large building with the huge image of a piece of cheese posted upon its main wall. Despite her bad mood, Mlle. Formage chuckled at the fact that he still found the big buildings so interesting and surreal. She accelerated the speed, turned the stereo on and the car sped past the large fall trees which surrounded the building in a protecting manner.

Mozzarella grinned like a young child who had just discovered something completely new, as he attempted to nod his head to the rhythm of Mademoiselle’s More French! What a language of love... favorite song that boomed from the stereo at full volume. He always found it funny that Mlle. Formage was supposed to be “keeping a low profile” when in town. Even with his little knowledge of the human life, he could easily observe that the flashy yellow Porsche with the license plate “C.H.E.E.S.E”, accompanied by the blasting music was anything but unremarkable. What he didn’t understand, was that the music itself provoked so many more stares and amused looks towards the speeding car.

“It’s cheese!
Yea you gotta be able to shake it like
Cheese.
You gotta move it like, shake it like, dance around like
Cheese.
Hey you from New York or Quebec?
It doesn’t matter one bite (one bit)
You better not just eat cheese,
But also shake it like it,” Mlle. Formage sang along with the rap song’s chorus distractedly, while she looked around for The New Developments Office. Hmm... I have no comment on that, it just didn't work for me. I couldn't tell if it was the song playing, or if people were saying that as she drove by. The last line indicates she was singing it but i didn't get the song as a whole, much like I don't get regular rap either.

After a thirty minute drive, which would’ve have lasted at least an hour if Mlle. Formage had not been driving almost two times faster than the speed limit, she spotted the office and drove into The New Developments Office parking lot. She was too nervous to wait for Mozzarella to struggle with his seat-belt. She leaned over, took it out for him and pushed his door open. He walked out slowly, while Mlle. Formage was already by his side, out of the car and had the doors locked. She pulled his hand so to make him walk faster than his usual pace. She swiped her card on the door’s side and the metal locks clicked open. She walked in, slamming the door behind her.

The secretary, a large woman in big, military boots and a camouflage hat jumped to her feet. She moved across to the front of the desk, facing Mlle. Formage who observed her with genuine distaste. The woman looked at her accusingly, waiting for her to say something. Mlle. Formage however, was not in the mood for small chit-chat and nudged the woman aside, dragging baffled Mozzarella behind her, as she strode towards the main office. The secretary twisted around, her army boots making a nasty crunching sound, Mlle. Formage suspected that this was because they were giving away under the woman’s weight. Poor woman, what a criticizing and harsh cheese you are Formage!

“Stephanie, I’ve warned you before to not come marching in here!” the secretary snapped.Oh ok, so now we learn the Mlle is Stephanie, ok that was really confusing me for a while back when you first mentioned it.

“For God’s sake Betty, this is important,” Mlle. Formage responded hastily.

“Mr. Grand is busy-”

“Please don’t give me that load of mice,” Mlle. Formage interrupted with impatience, “He sure as mold isn’t busy enough to stop ruining my work!”

“Stephanie, there’s more to our lives than your desperate experiments with the useless dairy products!” Betty’s voice was rising in defense, as she hated being interrupted.

There was an awfully long pause as poor Mozzarella let out a traumatized gasp. Stephanie understood of course, he wasn’t used to people using such crude terms when addressing his origins. She however, had grown used to all of it, the appalling way the younger humans called cliché movies “cheesy”, That one made me smile and the shocking habits of the adults to allow their little children to play with long cheese strings. It was still very rude of course but she wasn’t as sensitive as Mozzarella whose little body trembled with the effect of his shock. Mlle. Formage shook her head, Betty was always getting in her way; so she had promised herself that when she got the chance, she would turn Betty into the tiniest piece of cheese that would end up crushed in the large, chubby fingers of a human like herself.Wow, someone really has some anger inside don't they?

“Now if you are done horrifying my friend, then we’ll get going,” Mlle. Formage finished off her words with a glare.

While tugging at Mozzarella’s sleeve, Mlle. Formage pulled him towards the office and pulled the bland white door open. Mr. Grand sat at on a large chair behind a computer screen, while smoking a thick cigar. Mlle. Formage who used to have coughing fits when around the revolting smell was now used to this odd phenomenon. She stormed towards his desk and sat down on a chair opposite him without invitation. Mozzarella stood in the doorway, still too shocked to move without Mlle. Formage’s help. Mr. Grand smoothed his brown and thick mustache, puffing the cigar patiently without saying a word.

“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?” Mlle. Formage said in a loud and aggressive voice.

“About what, Stephanie? I can’t help you anymore, the experiments are getting out of hand,” Mr. Grand chuckled arrogantly, tempting Mlle. Formage to get up and kick his large and round stomach with her sharp heels.

“There’s nothing out of hand about my experiments, you shut down the CDA because I am getting too close to succeeding.”

“That’s not true, although so what if I don’t want a bunch of cheese-men marching around my city?”

“We had a deal, either you allow me to go on with my experiments or I will do it illegally.”

“Was that a threat?” Mr. Grand’s voice shook as it rose, his black and white polka dotted bowtie trembled from the effect of his voice.

“Evidently, and it will continue to be so until you release the results of my experiment to me.”

“You would truly consider crashing the building if I don’t show you the results?” Mr. Grand already knew the answer that was confirmed by Mlle. Formage’s nod, “Fine, then. Black mailed by the cheese woman, what is my life becoming.”

As he cursed under his breath, Mr. Grand stood up, his tuxedo stretching around his large body. He left the cigar in a tacky, golden ashtray on his desk and led Mlle. Formage to the laboratory on the second level.

Ok, that was itneresting but I'm not exactly sure that it's my kind of story because in my mind I would give it a Moderate or Ok grade so I'll leave the evaluation to George.

Well I liked it more than Michael and while I won't say taht it was great since it was confusing at times I will say that you have a great concept here and it is well written. There are just some things you could add ehre and there and you could try to give more story, I think I needed to read more before I could truly appreciate it. However I will give it an overall grade of GOOD.
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Old 12-21-2007, 01:06 AM View Post #7 (Link)
Eve (Offline)
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Originally Posted by Nyx View Post
This is the short story I've started for the Cheese Contest. This is only the beginning, and I'd appereciate any crit.s and/or comments. Oh and by the way, the title isn't actually" Mlle. Formage" that's just there for now until I can think of something better. Right now I am considering "Cheese-busters"
Anyways here is the story:

Mlle. Formage paced the laboratory impatiently. Her long blonde hair swayed from side to side as her pace quickened and slowed unevenly. Clenching her yellow tinted hands seemed to be giving little help to her jumpy nerves. She was often considered a patient woman, but waiting for the results of this experiment was too intriguing, too important. Finally, the laboratory door flew open and Mozzarella walked in. His short and thin body stumbled forward towards Mlle. Formage, holding a sheet of paper in his clumsy hands. Mlle. Formage almost pushed him to the ground as she pulled the paper from his hands. She didn’t lift her speckled hazel eyes from the paper as Mozzarella stumbled back and caught himself before crashing onto the marble floor.

It would be better if you skipped the word 'speckled'

the first paragraph is a little too mundane. Try spicing it up a little.


Mozzarella was a kind man, that is if you could call him a man.

Not a very suitable starting. It's a little too abrupt and too sudden.
He was one of the first successful results of Mlle. Formage’s experiments to be more precise. As she had, and was still struggling for many years, to find out the right and precise way to turn cheese into man. She herself had been transformed to her human shape by an untraceable spell, but she could only attempt to give other cheeses the same privilege with the aide of science. The spell explained the difference between her physical appearance and Mozzarella’s. While she was tall, fit, broad shouldered and strong, he was extremely short, thin, weak and as some the more heartless people would say, hideous. Now, as usual, his yellow eyes flashes silver mysteriously even though his mood was calm. He watched Mlle. Formage’s sharp golden eyes scan the page, and he saw the expected disappointment
This two word phrase brings up the emotion in the passage. Well done.
pass across her face.

Eventually, after having read the notes a few times, Mlle. Formage placed the sheet of paper on a clean, white desk by her side. Without even acknowledging Mozzarella, she walked towards the coat-rack in the corner of the room. The coat-rack was only a meter high so that Mozzarella would be able to use it as well as the other staff on the CDA, Cheese Development Agency. The mademoiselle’s hands grabbed at her coat with a violent grip- this was enough to show that she was surely not happy with the results. She pulled the dark yellow jacket over her pale lab coat and slipped her muscular arms in the sleeves without difficulty. If I got used to my human form so quickly, who says that they can’t, she thought. She motioned for Mozzarella to follow her, her authority making it clear that he did not have a choice in the matter.

A few minutes later they were seated in her car, a brand new yellow Porsche. Mozzarella was barely visible from the outside of the car as his small hands scrabbled for the seat belt. He wasn’t quite comfortable with his human body yet, it took him a while to get his fingers to grasp around the seat belt and another ten minutes for him to pull it on. Stephanie Formage tapped her feet impatiently; her sparkly golden high-heels clicked as they hit the leather floor of the car repeatedly. She gave Mozzarella an aggravated glare, to which he responded with an apologetic smile, the first human expression he had mastered. Finally, Mlle. Formage turned the key and the engine roared to life. She sped out of the large yellow building’s parking lot, while Mozzarella looked over his shoulder to marvel at the large building with the huge

Repetition here, Large, large and huge.
image of a piece of cheese posted upon its main wall. Despite her bad mood, Mlle. Formage chuckled at the fact that he still found the big buildings so interesting and surreal. She accelerated the speed

This isn't grammatically right. Try, she accelerated
, turned the stereo on and the car sped past the large fall trees which surrounded the building in a protecting manner.

Mozzarella grinned like a young child who had just discovered something completely new, as he attempted to nod his head to the rhythm of Mademoiselle’s favorite song that boomed from the stereo at full volume. He always found it funny that Mlle. Formage was supposed to be “keeping a low profile” when in town. Even with his little knowledge of the human life, he could easily observe that the flashy yellow Porsche with the license plate “C.H.E.E.S.E”, accompanied by the blasting music was anything but unremarkable. What he didn’t understand, was that the music itself provoked so many more stares and amused looks towards the speeding car.

“It’s cheese!
Yea you gotta be able to shake it like
Cheese.
You gotta move it like, shake it like, dance around like
Cheese.
Hey you from New York or Quebec?
It doesn’t matter one bite (one bit)
You better not just eat cheese,
But also shake it like it,” Mlle. Formage sang along with the rap song’s chorus distractedly,

How is she able to sing to a rap song distractedly? Rap songs are usually hard to hear and need a lot of concentration when singing.
while she looked around for The New Developments Office.

After a thirty minute drive, which would’ve have lasted at least an hour if Mlle. Formage had not been driving almost two times faster than the speed limit, she spotted the office and drove into The New Developments Office parking lot. She was too nervous to wait for Mozzarella to struggle with his seat-belt. She leaned over, took it out for him and pushed his door open. He walked out slowly, while Mlle. Formage was already by his side, out of the car and had the doors locked. She pulled his hand so to make him walk faster than his usual pace. She swiped her card on the door’s side and the metal locks clicked open. She walked in, slamming the door behind her.

The secretary, a large woman in big, military boots and a camouflage hat jumped to her feet. She moved across to the front of the desk, facing Mlle. Formage who observed her with genuine distaste. The woman looked at her accusingly, waiting for her to say something. Mlle. Formage however, was not in the mood for small chit-chat and nudged the woman aside, dragging baffled Mozzarella behind her, as she strode towards the main office. The secretary twisted around, her army boots making a nasty crunching sound, Mlle. Formage suspected that this was because they were giving away under the woman’s weight. Great paragraph here.

“Stephanie, I’ve warned you before to not come marching in here!” the secretary snapped.

“For God’s sake Betty, this is important,” Mlle. Formage responded hastily.

“Mr. Grand is busy-”

“Please don’t give me that load of mice,” Mlle. Formage interrupted with impatience, “He sure as mold isn’t busy enough to stop ruining my work!”

“Stephanie, there’s more to our lives than your desperate experiments with the useless dairy products!” Betty’s voice was rising in defense, as she hated being interrupted. (Haha, this is hilarious)

There was an awfully long pause as poor Mozzarella let out a traumatized gasp. Stephanie understood of course, he wasn’t used to people using such crude terms when addressing his origins. She however, had grown used to all of it, the appalling way the younger humans called cliché movies “cheesy”, and the shocking habits of the adults to allow their little children to play with long cheese strings. It was still very rude of course but she wasn’t as sensitive as Mozzarella whose little body trembled with the effect of his shock. Mlle. Formage shook her head, Betty was always getting in her way; so she had promised herself that when she got the chance, she would turn Betty into the tiniest piece of cheese that would end up crushed in the large, chubby fingers of a human like herself.

“Now if you are done horrifying my friend, then we’ll get going,” Mlle. Formage finished off her words with a glare.

While tugging at Mozzarella’s sleeve, Mlle. Formage pulled him towards the office and pulled the bland white door open. Mr. Grand sat at on a large chair behind a computer screen, while smoking a thick cigar. Mlle. Formage who used to have coughing fits when around the revolting smell was now used to this odd phenomenon. She stormed towards his desk and sat down on a chair opposite him without invitation. Mozzarella stood in the doorway, still too shocked to move without Mlle. Formage’s help. Mr. Grand smoothed his brown and thick mustache, puffing the cigar patiently without saying a word.

“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?” Mlle. Formage said in a loud and aggressive voice.

“About what, Stephanie? I can’t help you anymore, the experiments are getting out of hand,” Mr. Grand chuckled arrogantly, tempting Mlle. Formage to get up and kick his large and round stomach with her sharp heels.

That's a little too exaggerated. Maybe you could change stomach to behind and if she wanted to kick him, she would have to turn around and do it which would look very awkward. Omit the 'heels' and just say, 'kick him in his____'


“There’s nothing out of hand about my experiments, you shut down the CDA because I am getting too close to succeeding.”

“That’s not true, although so what if I don’t want a bunch of cheese-men marching around my city?”

“We had a deal, either you allow me to go on with my experiments or I will do it illegally.”

“Was that a threat?” Mr. Grand’s voice shook as it rose, his black and white polka dotted bowtie trembled from the effect of his voice.

Shows characterisation. Character can be easily pictured.


“Evidently, and it will continue to be so until you release the results of my experiment to me.”

“You would truly consider crashing the building if I don’t show you the results?” Mr. Grand already knew the answer that was confirmed by Mlle. Formage’s nod, “Fine, then. Black mailed by the cheese woman, what is my life becoming.”

As he cursed under his breath, Mr. Grand stood up, his tuxedo stretching around his large body. He left the cigar in a tacky, golden ashtray on his desk and led Mlle. Formage to the laboratory on the second level.
Great story. You can finish and publish it. You'll be the next JK Rowling in a day.
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Old 12-29-2007, 04:59 AM View Post #8 (Link)
Nyx (Offline)
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Thanks to all the crit.ers I finished the story now, so here's the full version. Any crit.s would be very appreciated. Oh and also, please suggest a title if you can
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Mlle. Formage paced the laboratory impatiently. Her long blonde hair swayed from side to side as her pace quickened and slowed unevenly. Clenching her yellow tinted hands seemed to be giving little help to her jumpy nerves. She was often considered a patient woman, but waiting for the results of this experiment was too intriguing, too important. Finally, the laboratory door flew open and Mozzarella walked in. His short and thin body stumbled forward towards Mlle. Formage, holding a sheet of paper in his clumsy hands. Mlle. Formage almost pushed him to the ground as she pulled the paper from his hands. She didn’t lift her speckled hazel eyes from the paper as Mozzarella stumbled back and caught himself before crashing onto the marble floor.

Mozzarella was a kind man, that is if you could call him a man. He was one of the first successful results of Mlle. Formage’s experiments to be more precise. As she had, and was still struggling for many years, to find out the right and precise way to turn cheese into man. She herself had been transformed to her human shape by an untraceable spell, but she could only attempt to give other cheeses the same privilege with the aide of science. The spell explained the difference between her physical appearance and Mozzarella’s. While she was tall, fit, broad shouldered and strong, he was extremely short, thin, weak and as some more heartless would say, hideous. He watched Mlle. Formage’s sharp golden eyes scan the page, and he saw the expected disappointment pass across her face.

Eventually, after having read the notes a few times, Mlle. Formage placed the sheet of paper on a clean, white desk by her side. Without even acknowledging Mozzarella, she walked towards the coat-rack in the corner of the room. The coat-rack was only a meter high so that Mozzarella would be able to use it as well as the other staff on the CDA, Cheese Development Agency. The mademoiselle’s hands grabbed at her coat with a violent grip, this was enough to show that she was surely not happy with the results. She pulled the dark yellow jacket over her pale lab coat and slipped her muscular arms in the sleeves without difficulty. If I got used to my human form so quickly, who says that they can’t, she thought. She motioned for Mozzarella to follow her, her authority making it clear that he did not have a choice in the matter.

A few minutes later they were seated in her car, a brand new yellow Porsche. Mozzarella was barely visible from the outside of the car as his small hands scrabbled for the seat belt. He wasn’t quite comfortable with his human body yet, it took him a while to get his fingers to grasp around the seat belt and another ten minutes for him to pull it on. Stephanie Formage tapped her feet impatiently; her sparkly golden high-heels clicked as they hit the leather floor of the car repeatedly. She gave Mozzarella an aggravated glare, to which he responded with an apologetic smile, the first human expression he had mastered. Finally, Mlle. Formage turned the key and the engine roared to life. She sped out of the tall yellow building’s parking lot, while Mozzarella looked over his shoulder to marvel at the building with the huge image of a piece of cheese posted upon its main wall. Despite her bad mood, Mlle. Formage chuckled at the fact that he still found the big buildings so interesting and surreal. She accelerated, turned the stereo on and the car sped past the large fall trees which surrounded the building in a protecting manner.

Mozzarella grinned, like a young child who had just discovered something completely new, as he attempted to nod his head to the rhythm of Mademoiselle’s favorite song that boomed from the stereo at full volume. He always found it funny that Mlle. Formage was supposed to be “keeping a low profile” when in town. Even with his little knowledge of the human life, he could easily observe that the flashy yellow Porsche with the license plate “C.H.E.E.S.E”, accompanied by the blasting music was anything but unremarkable. What he didn’t understand, was that the music itself provoked so many more stares and amused looks towards the speeding car.

“It’s cheese!
Yea you gotta be able to shake it like
Cheese.
You gotta move it like, shake it like, dance around like
Cheese.
Hey you from New York or Quebec?
It doesn’t matter one bite (one bit)
You better not just eat cheese,
But also shake it like it,” Mlle. Formage sang along with the rap song’s chorus distractedly, while she looked around for The New Developments Office.

After a thirty minute drive, which would’ve have lasted at least an hour if Mlle. Formage had not been driving with a speed so much higher than the speed limit, she spotted the office and drove into The New Developments Office parking lot. She was too nervous to wait for Mozzarella to struggle with his seat-belt. She leaned over, took it out for him and pushed his door open. He walked out slowly, while Mlle. Formage was already by his side, out of the car and had the doors locked. She pulled his hand so to make him walk faster than his usual pace. She swiped her card on the door’s side and the metal locks clicked open. She walked in, slamming the door behind her.

The secretary, a large woman in big, military boots and a camouflage hat jumped to her feet. She moved across to the front of the desk, facing Mlle. Formage who observed her with genuine distaste. The woman looked at her accusingly, waiting for her to say something. Mlle. Formage however, was not in the mood for small chit-chat and nudged the woman aside, dragging baffled Mozzarella behind her, as she strode towards the main office. The secretary twisted around, her army boots making a nasty crunching sound, Mlle. Formage suspected that this was because they were giving away under the woman’s weight.

“Stephanie, I’ve warned you before to not come marching in here!” the secretary snapped.

“For god’s sake Betty, this is important,” Mlle. Formage responded hastily.

“Mr. Grand is busy-”

“Please don’t give me that load of mice,” Mlle. Formage interrupted with impatience, “He sure as mold isn’t busy enough to stop ruining my work!”

“Stephanie, there’s more to our lives than your desperate experiments with the useless dairy products!” Betty’s voice was rising in defense, as she hated being interrupted.

There was an awfully long pause as poor Mozzarella let out a traumatized gasp. Stephanie understood of course, he wasn’t used to people using such crude terms when addressing his origins. She however, had grown used to all of it, the appalling way the younger humans called cliché movies “cheesy”, and the shocking habits of the adults to allow their little children to play with long cheese strings. It was still very rude of course but she wasn’t as sensitive as Mozzarella whose little body trembled with the effect of his shock. Mlle. Formage shook her head, Betty was always getting in her way; so she had promised herself that when she got the chance, she would turn Betty into the tiniest piece of cheese that would end up crushed in the large, chubby fingers of a human like herself.

“Now if you are done horrifying my friend, then we’ll get going,” Mlle. Formage finished off her words with a glare.

While tugging at Mozzarella’s sleeve, Mlle. Formage pulled him towards the office and pulled the bland white door open. Mr. Grand sat at on a large chair behind a computer screen, while smoking a thick cigar. Mlle. Formage who used to have coughing fits when around the revolting smell was now used to this odd phenomenon. She stormed towards his desk and sat down on a chair opposite him without invitation. Mozzarella stood in the doorway, still too shocked to move without Mlle. Formage’s help. Mr. Grand smoothed his brown and thick mustache, puffing the cigar patiently without saying a word.

“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?” Mlle. Formage said in a loud and aggressive voice.

“About what, Stephanie? I can’t help you anymore, the experiments are getting out of hand,” Mr. Grand chuckled arrogantly, tempting Mlle. Formage to get up and kick his large and round stomach with her sharp heels.

“There’s nothing out of hand about my experiments, you shut down the CDA because I am getting too close to succeeding.”

“That’s not true, although so what if I don’t want a bunch of cheese-men marching around my city?”

“We had a deal, either you allow me to go on with my experiments or I will do it illegally.”

“Was that a threat?” Mr. Grand’s voice shook as it rose, his black and white polka dotted bowtie trembled from the effect of his voice.

“Evidently, and it will continue to be so until you release the results of my experiment to me.”

“You would truly consider crashing the building if I don’t show you the results?” Mr. Grand already knew the answer that was confirmed by Mlle. Formage’s nod, “Fine, then. Black mailed by the cheese woman, what is my life becoming.”

As he cursed under his breath, Mr. Grand stood up, his tuxedo stretching around his large body. He left the cigar in a tacky, golden ashtray on his desk and led Mlle. Formage, who pulled Mozzarella, to the laboratory on the second level.

The white walls of the laboratory were lined with pictures of the experiments of the town, everything from the sugar free sugar to the device that cloned your pets, the pet². However, none of these experiments and inventions were as remarkable as what stood before the hardly-pleased Mr. Grand, ecstatic Mlle. Formage and Mozzarella who was jumping clumsily, feet flying everywhere, up and down with excitement. Mlle. Formage slowly approached the boys who sat in an odd, sprawled out position, on the ground before her. Her movements were more elegant than cautious. She paused for only a fraction of a second before extending a hand to the taller of the two boys, who looked up with frightened blue eyes. The boy’s hand shook tremendously as it grasped Mademoiselle’s. However, his frightened expression softened, as he felt the soft, smooth skin of her yellow tinted hands.

“Welcome, Cheddar,” Mlle. Formage squeaked in an excited tone.

The boy nodded awkwardly, not quite sure what the words meant. Mlle. Formage stared at him silently, amazed at her own creation. The boy was not short, unlike Mozzarella; he almost measured up to Mlle. Formage’s height in her high heels. His hair was shoulder length, a shade of human blond, sparkly and clean. Mlle. Formage had to try hard to keep from jumping and screaming like a 12 year-old girl who had just bought her favorite top. She helped the shaky boy gain balance on the polished floor before extending a hand to the other boy. He had not been watching them; his hazel eyes were instead targeted towards Mozzarella to whom he had felt an uncanny connection.

The boy, like his friend, smiled at the Mademoiselle’s warm touch against his paler skin. His hair was short cropped, with sliver streaks upon bleached blonde curls. Mlle. Formage noted with affection that his smile was so different, so unique, that it made him truly human. What was more, his full scarlet lips seemed to curl into a smile with ease, almost effortlessly. This achievement was beyond great, from poor Mozzarella, who barely managed to show a human emotion with his thin and barely visible lips, to a boy who was even rather handsome. Mademoiselle shook his hand and he copied the action immediately, as though with understanding. Mademoiselle smiled with pure joy before welcoming the boy.

“And welcome to you too, Feta,” she said.

***

The frosty winter and the rainy spring days were spent with great pleasure and struggles as Mlle. Formage was accompanied everyday by Feta and Cheddar, in her lively decorated office. Feta and Cheddar would spend hours staring at the yellow posters on the pearly white walls, struggling to pronounce the names of different types of cheese. Mlle. Formage was not soft on the newly transformed boys; she kept them hard at work, teaching them how to talk as though teaching a newborn. During their breaks, the boys learned to eat, an experience they had never had. They started with slowly nibbling on pieces of toast, but soon enough, hunger kicked in and they proceeded to eat all that was placed on their shiny, yellow plates. After all this time, the boys were becoming human and they were learning much faster than Mlle. Formage had thought possible in her wildest dreams.

The air was hot and stuffy in the summer, when the boys were learning to play soccer from Mlle. Formage who had reluctantly replaced her favorite heels with gold striped Nike trainers. She showed them simple hand-eye and foot-eye coordination but soon enough, the young students had surpassed their teacher, who with great pleasure sat aside on the cool, green grass. At-least half an hour passed with the boys kicking the soccer ball around before something truly impressive took place

From the distance, Mlle. Formage saw them coming. Two young girls, seeming to be about 15 years-old (the same age that Cheddar and Feta appeared to be), were giggling delightedly as they approached the two boys. The shorter of the two, a spunky red-head with green glazed eyes and three piercings on each eyebrow, was eyeing Mlle. Formage, as though wondering if she was with the boys. Mlle. Formage quickly turned her head away from Cheddar and Feta, pretending to be indulged in the book she was only reading out of anger, 300 Delicious Recipes for Cheese. From the corner of her eyes, Mlle. Formage watched as the other girl approached the boys first. I hope this goes well, Mlle. Formage thought, and for god’s sake please remember your human names!

When the girls had managed to stop giggling irritably, the brunette introduced herself and her friend. Her voice was soft and melodic, as she toyed with her kinky hair.

“Hi there, I’m Jane, and this is Jules. Haven’t seen you aroun’ before,” she said flirtatiously, although Mlle. Formage wasn’t sure if Feta and Cheddar would notice.

“Erm, hi,” Cheddar said. He was struggling with doubt, this being his first conversation with a real human after all. However he managed to remember the human names they had picked before continuing, “I’m Chad, and this is F.T.”

That was all it took, a charmingly shy hello and the sight of the boys’ handsome looks, for the girls to find their new friends. They spent almost all afternoon with them, joking around and seriously impressing Mlle. Formage who watched with awe. When the sky darkened, the girls gave the “Chad” and “F.T” a small kiss on the cheek before parting. If the boys hadn’t been completely solid humans, they would have melted into soft yellow liquid before Mlle. Formage’s sharp eyes.

The Mademoiselle led the boys who were still in a dreamy state to the car. They both sat in the back, talking about the strange emotion that had filled up their bodies when the girls’ lips had made contact with their bronze, tanned skin. Despite herself, Mademoiselle Formage could not help but feel a tang of envy towards the boys who seemed to have found the key to the one emotion she had yet to discover, love.

The drive to the CDA, Cheese Development Agency, was silent and calm. Feta and Cheddar, who now seemed to be much more like Chad and F.T, excitedly whispered in the back. Mlle. Formage was leaning her head back on the leather chair of the yellow Porsche which, as she observed, would need to be washed soon. Feta and Cheddar’s voices were eventually silenced as they lost their way in their own trains of thought. Both boys stared out their windows, watching the luscious, green trees pass by. The cool breeze that slithered inside the open window was welcomed, sweet and gentle. The breeze teased their hair, pushing Cheddar’s longer hair from side to side on his broad shoulders. When Mlle. Formage pulled into the parking lot and shut the engine off with the bright yellow key, she looked back to find the boys lost in deep slumber.

***

Five Years Later

“Chad, honey? Please keep your experiments out of the apartment!” came the teasing voice of a young woman.

“Ah, sorry Amelia, it’s hard to train dogs when they don’t understand commands. You know, if it hadn’t been for Stephanie Formage’s experiments, I’d be completely lost right now,” Chad answered.

“Well, now, don’t worry. You’ll succeed. You know, Trevor? The dog you transformed from cheddar three weeks ago? He actually fetched the newspaper for me this morning,” Amelia, Chad’s long-time girlfriend, rambled on.

“Oh I always had faith in that one! Now I was thinking about taking a break anyway, would you like to go out to dinner?”

“Sure. We should go to F.T’s new restaurant, the Ads for it are amazing and we haven’t seen him for a while.”

“Alright then, sounds good. I’ll get ready.”

“Wait, Chad?” Amelia paused to stifle a giggle, “could you spare us the yellow suit and matching tie please?”

“I’m not even negotiating the tie, but alright, I guess it’s about time I tried the black suit,” Chad responded cheerfully. He grinned sheepishly as Amelia began to giggle.


Chad Cheddah held Amelia Smith held hands as they entered F.T’s Lounge through the marble double doors. Chad reluctantly accepted Amelia’s compliments on how his black suit matched beautifully with his sharp, blue eyes. At their wooden small table for two, they were greeted by F.T, the owner of the lounge, who embraced the two in a warm hug. Amelia and Chad both praised the yellow and marble themed decorations. It would’ve been a hearty reunion, had F.T not left in a hurry because of a waiter who managed to trip over a customer’s shoe and spill the melting cheese appetizer on the man’s clothes. So, F.T promised that they would catch up later and left Chad and Amelia to wave for a waitress in the yellow dress that was uniformed in the lounge.

Dinner was amazing. A cheese and onion soup, followed by a gourmet meal was quite satisfying to the young couple. Chad only frowned at the end when a waitress handed him the bill. He had to complain to the smiling waitress that there must be a mistake and that there was definitely one too many zeros. However, in the end, F.T said that their meal was on the house, and so Amelia and Chad both left in a delighted mood.

In the silent night, the air was fresh and warm. There was no wind, no noise, just pure and delicate silence. As they walked down the almost empty streets, it felt to Chad and Amelia that there was no one in the word but them. They felt as though nothing existed but their muffled footsteps, and the warmth of each other’s hands. On their moonlit walk they talked about, love, romance, adventure, and cheese.
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Originally Posted by Diocletian View Post
What I don't like about this site is that there isn't enough social drama.
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Old 12-29-2007, 05:16 AM View Post #9 (Link)
Rafael Domination (Offline)
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Ooh. Long post. I'll crit this in parts then. *hands Nyx a nice shiny Crit Ticket...*
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Old 12-29-2007, 05:26 AM View Post #10 (Link)
Nyx (Offline)
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Ok thanks Raffy. I have to send it to Carr tonight though, since the cheese contest ends on new years and I won't have access to internet for the next week.

EDIT: whenever you get to crit.ing this, you can skip the part you've already done.
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Originally Posted by Diocletian View Post
What I don't like about this site is that there isn't enough social drama.
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