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Old 01-11-2008, 10:53 PM View Post #1 (Link) Elder
JackAttack. (Offline)
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Wasn’t this day beautiful? Lain Fairwood was lying in a field, as he had been for most of the day. Above him, the sky was a perfect shade of forget-me-not-blue and there were no clouds in the sky. Around him, there was waist high green beautiful grass. In the air there were bees and butterflies flying effortlessly against the wind.

But as the sun began to sink deeper in the sky, sending a shock of red and orange through the sky around him. He trotted down the hill towards to small forest that lay between him and home. His home village was called Bliss and it lived up to it’s name. It was a small fishing village on the coast of the Sea of Winds. He lived with his mother, Ayala. He had never met his father. Ayala had never spoken to Lain about him.

Now the sky was navy blue as Lain tried as hard as he could to see the path to the village. All he could hear was the snapping of twigs underfoot. Then he stopped. The forest was silent. He looked behind him. Left. Right. Then continued walking. Then he stopped again. He couldn’t hear it at first but then when he strained his ears, he could. Screams. Long drawn out screams. He ran, ran like he’d never ran before through the trees, jumping over logs and stumps. As he got closer a orangey yellow light got closer and brighter. He reached the other side of the forest.

Hell had broken loose in a once peaceful village. People were being chased. Men, women and children. Those who were caught were killed. The building were being burnt but a growing orange fire. Lain felt mixed emotions. Anger, hate and sadness. Then his thoughts changed.
“Mother” he whispered to himself. Then he ran back into the safety of the trees. He ran around the edge of the dense woods. He was like a ghost, stepping over the dead leaves and fallen branches. He came around to the back of his wooden house. He ran as fast as he could towards the back of the house. He pulled himself through. He fell, hard, onto the wooden floor below him. He stood up and brushed himself off. He looked around. The lack of light leaking through the windows made it hard to see.
“Mother?” he whispered.
“Lain?” came a voice from just in front of him.

His mother, lit a candle next to them.
“Oh Lain it is you” she said, touching his cheeks with her aged hands.
“Mother, we need to get out of here. There are men killing everyone” he said pulling at the hands trying to get her to the window. She stood like a statue.
“I’m so sorry, Lain. My son, Lain. This is all my fault” she said a lonely tear trailing down her face.
“What do you mean?” Lain said looking at her again.
“All your fifteen years of life, I’ve been telling you that, you’re father died before you were born. But he isn’t. He’s still alive. But he is no normal man” she said looking grave
“Mother stop it your scaring me! We need to go” pleaded Lain.
“No, Lain you need to hear this. You need to know” she said. She pulled him to sit down on one of the wooden chairs that surrounded a large wooden table in the middle of the room.
“I’ll start from the beginning” she said

“Many years ago, there were a group of men, and they called themselves the Elders because of their knowledge of Leonia, our world. And these men weren’t only clever in their minds, they had powers. Magic powers. They trained for many years in the University of Mages., in Juvadil. Fire, water, ice. They could control them all and they knew a few other spells that was only taught to them. But there was one, Mórmil, he was power hungry. He wanted to control Leonia, have his own kingdom but the other Elders stopped him. And at that time in the land of Uradil, a dark force was gathering. They gave Mórmil an offer he could not refuse. A great battle was fought in the region of the Elves, only a few miles from here. The Elders were all killed by a newly created dark spell read from the Books of Trufal. Mórmil was badly wounded and his allies left him to die on the battlefield. A young women was riding from Lillie, the Elven capital back to her home village. She found him and took him with her. She nursed him back to heath. They fell in love. Or rather her did. And she fell pregnant. She told him and he left her. He went back to Uradil. She had a baby boy, she named him Lain.”

Lain’s eyes widened in realisation.
“And then a Elven priestess had a prediction

A boy born to a broken home
Half orphaned and born in the late year
Will process great power
And will forever destroy a growing evil power”
The crashes were coming closer.
“Lain, you must go. If I come with you I’ll just slow you down. You’re Leonia’s only hope” she said standing up and pulling him up. She ran around packing a small saddle bag with food and she filled a large leather pouch with water. She handed these to him.
“And I also have something else for you” she said, kneeling down and pulling up a floorboard. She pulled out a sword, still in it‘s sheath.
“This was the sword I found Mórmil after the battle” se handing it to him. He tied the sheath around his waist.
“Go to the stables, Mórmil’s haven’t gotten to them yet. Now run!” she said urging him out of the window. Lain could see her trying not to cry in front of her son. A few tear slid down his face as he looked at her
“If I can I’ll come back for you. I promise” he said kissing her on the cheek before jumping out of the window. He quickly looked around, checking. He ran behind houses, unseen. He came to a larger building nearer the river that most of the other. He ran through a back door. The smell of horses and hay hit his nostrils instantaneously. Most of the horses had been set free when the owners had noticed the village under attack. There were three left. Lain untied two and they ran out to freedom. Lain saddled the one remaining horse. It was a beautiful chestnut colour. He strapped the saddle bag to the saddle and kick the horse to start it moving. They galloped out of the stable. Behind the village was a steep hill that the small army wouldn’t be able to follow him up what with all their heavy armour. He kept galloping until he and his horse grew tired. He slowed to a canter then he stopped the horse entirely. He dismounted and lied down on the soft grass, like he had down for so many hours before today. He took a deep breath. The days events had started sweet and had ended bitter. His heavy eyes lids closed over his dark blue eyes. It was hours later, although it felt like seconds to Lain that he was awoken by a strange noise. A shuffling noise. And voices. He slid on eye open, just enough to see but not seen. There were two men, looking through his saddle bag. No, they can’t have been men. They were too beautiful to be mere men.

“Elves” Lain whispered, intending the words to have stayed in his head. Their keen ears heard his words and they turned around to him. One of them approached him. They pulled out a flask from under a deep green or brown cloak, the colour was hard to see in the darkness.
“Drink this, it will help” the elf said, in a voice that sounded as if he was almost singing to Lain. Lain, foolishly took the flask from the cool Elven hand and drank. It was as if he had been stuck over the head, without pain. He fell back onto the grass beneath him. Asleep again.



AUTHORS NOTE : Completely rewritten and put in paragraphs
  
						Last edited by JackAttack.; 09-07-2008 at 09:05 AM.
					
					 Reason: Re wrote the first chapter :)
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Old 01-15-2008, 02:47 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Rafael Domination (Offline)
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Ooh

Crit ticket. Looks interesting...
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Old 01-15-2008, 03:41 AM View Post #3 (Link)
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I promised myself that I wouldn't just start handing out more than two crit tickets at a time and I have some previous engagements which I will get to soon so I will give you a ticket to a crit ticket and get to this after those...
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Old 01-15-2008, 05:19 PM View Post #4 (Link)
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this is really good. i love the imagry and the setting ... brilliant

i think one thing you do need to do though is build it up a little more when he leaves his mum,

yeah, love it
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Old 01-15-2008, 05:28 PM View Post #5 (Link)
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********** is just where there was a bunch of stuff I didn't need to change. Now to begin.

Originally Posted by JackAttack. View Post
*********

A Red Admiral floated past, flapping it's velvety red wings. What bliss? But he knew he couldn’t stay long. They sky was becoming inky and both the moons were becoming brighter and rounder. He pushed himself to his feet just as a flock of blackbirds flew over head, flying away from a(Maybe the would work better then a) small wood(and woods here) from (no need for the second from) where Lain was now heading. The small wood(s, it is plural normally) had a little stream with(which, would be better) ran through it and on the other side was a small village, where he’d lived for his fourteen years of life. Would his mother be worried about him? He only had a(his, not a) mother. He had never met his father, his mother had never liked to mention him.

(this is another paragraph cause you are coming back to the present of what he is doing, not his thoughts and such. )He walked through the pine scented air and gently swaying trees. The thick branches of leaves cast cool shadows along the leaf covered forest floor. He faced the sunlight, his brown hair sliding down his neck. As he got near the village, the first noise he heard, hit him like a bolt of lightning. Women screaming, men shouting and children(children doin what?) . He ran to the edge to the wood(s). The sight that met his eyes, made his heart skip a beat. Chaos. The buildings glowed with the fire that was eating away at the wood(s). People were running away from men. Men with disfigured faces and were dressed in black armor. Their hair was ghostly white; they were cutting through the skin of prisoners. Why were they here?

(new paragraph) Lain ran around the village, and then ran between two houses that were ablaze. The warm air passed over his face. He jumped through a window at the back of his house. The small pitiful excuse for a house consisted of two rooms. The kitchen and Lain’s bed in one and his mother’s bedroom which was lead by a door from the main room.(from lead to the end doesn't really make sense to me) It was just as it was when he’d left that morning. He could hear a gentle sob and this(his) mother appeared. She looked ragged. Her hair made her look like she’d aged 20 years in the way it was thin and blown about. (Her had made her look like she'd aged 20 years because her hair looked so thin and blown about. *sounds a little better*)She had a handkerchief to her mouth.
(I'm not gonna change them all, but " are what you use not ' )Lain, sweetheart, where in Heaven have you been?’ she said stumbling over to him and placing a withering hand on his shoulder.
‘Bliss Field’ he said, pointing to no where in particular. She suddenly became stern.
‘Lain, you have to get away from here. Take Elaina and go(Punctuation after someone talks too. That is something you are missing on all the dialog also. I won't fix them. But it isn't that hard)’ she said pushing him, gently, but firmly towards the door. ‘Wait!’ she said running into her room. Lain followed bewildered. She was kneeling by the mattress of hay and straw that she slept on. She pulled out a long object that was covered in torn cloth.
‘Take this with you’ she said. He pulled the cloth away, letting it fall to the floor. It was a sword. The helm was encrusted with jades and it was twisted a twisted silver trunk. (From it was to the end makes no sense to me either.)
‘Mum, come with me’ Laid said as he fixed a small strap to his belt.
‘Lain, I can’t, I’m at the end of my days. Better to die quickly that(than or then, I can never know which one) slow and painfully’ she said with a brave smile.
‘Very well’ he said, looking into the mahogany brown eyes that he knew he’d (Put 'he would miss' instead of he'd. It makes it sound futuristic, like he will miss them in the future, not he has missed them and no longer does.)miss.

After packing some clothes and food, Lain hoisted himself into the saddle of a gorgeous Appaloosa horse(*Dances in circles* You know your horses, course a Quarter horse would be better, or even a Rocky Moutian..Shut up and let's finish the crit. Sorry, I'm horse crazy.). He swung a small bag(A small saddle bag ) on is(it's) other side and attached it to the saddle. His mother stood there and looked up at him. He lent down and kissed her on the cheek.
‘Goodbye, my beautiful son’ said his mother(His mother said, would sound better or even his mother wept or something of that sort). Lain tapped Elaina’s rips and they were off. The wind speed past him, along with the sound from hell. He galloped through the wood. The golden leaves flying into the air when they speed past. As they got to the top of the hill that was at the other end of Bliss Field, Lain looked back. Black smoke coiled into the inky blackness above the world. He turned around and kept going. He kept riding until Elaina slowed down. He dismounted and pulled the flap of the (saddle) bag up and pulled out a chunk of bread and sat down on the soft grass and chewed. He lied (laid) back and looked up at the silvery stars (twinkling) above him. [strike]They twinkled above him.[/strike] (not needed if you put it in the other)Why were those men there? Is Mum still alive? Should I go back? Those questions played over in this head like a broken record until he finally fell asleep. His dreams were poisoned by creeping shadows and whispers. The whispers it turned out weren’t in his dreams, but in the real world. ‘How old do you think he is?’ the voices said. Lain’s eyelids slid up over this one blue and one green eye. There were two men. Fully-grown with shiny silver armor. They were looking though his bag. They jumped and he got smacked over the head with something from behind. The last thing he saw before he fell unconscious were a pair of steel toed boots…

It was good, just a few minor things, I know it looks like a lot, but I explained it so ya.

I haven't read enough to give an opinion.

You had my attention when you had the horse, anyone that says "A gorgeous Appolusa (I am a terrible speller,, but you know what I meant.) horse" (Least ways along those lines) instead of "A beautiful horse" Has my attention cause that means they at least know a little about horses or at least care about that detail.
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						Last edited by Tncowgirl; 01-15-2008 at 05:38 PM.
					
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Old 01-17-2008, 05:06 PM View Post #6 (Link)
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Originally Posted by JackAttack. View Post
Wasn’t the sky beautiful? Forget-me-not blue with the occasional glazing of gentle fluffy clouds. The landscape was beautiful as well. Lush lime-green grass with tulips and daffodils.

New paragraphLain had been lying there for hours, gazing at the endless sea of blue above him. A Red Admiral floated past, flapping it velvety red wings. What bliss? But he knew he couldn’t stay long. They sky was becoming inky and both the moons were becoming brighter and rounder. He pushed himself to his feet just as a flock of blackbirds flew over head, flying away from a small wood from where Lain was now heading.
An elegant beginning. I like how you're specific with the Red Admiral.

New paragraph The small wood had a little stream with ran through it and on the other side was a small village, where he’d lived for his fourteen years of life. Would his mother be worried about him? He only had a mother. He had never met his father, his mother had never liked to mention him.

New paragraph and start with "Lain" instead of "He"He walked through the pine scented air and gently swaying trees. The thick branches of leaves cast cool shadows along the leaf covered forest floor. He faced the sunlight, his brown hair sliding down his neck. As he got near the village, the first noise he heard, hit him like a bolt of lightning.

New paragraph Women screaming, men shouting and children. He ran to the edge to the wood. The sight that met his eyes, made his heart skip a beat.

New paragraph, but put this word alone so that it stands out Chaos.

New paragraph The buildings glowed with the don't need "the" fire that was eating away at the wood. People were running away from men. Men with disfigured faces and were dressed in black armor. Say this instead: "People ran away from men with disfigured faces and clothed in black armor." Their hair was ghostly white; they were cutting "they cut" through the skin plural of prisoners.

New paragraph Why were they here? Lain ran around the village, and then ran between two houses that were ablaze. The warm air passed over his face. He jumped through a window at the back of his house. The small pitiful excuse for a house consisted of two rooms. The kitchen and Lain’s bed in one and his mother’s bedroom which was lead by a door from the main room. It was just as it was when he’d left that morning. He could hear a gentle sob and this mother appeared. She looked ragged. Her hair made her look like she’d aged 20 more formal if you spell out the word "twenty" years in the way it was thin and blown about. She had a handkerchief to her mouth.

‘Lain sweetheart, where in Heaven have you been?’ she said stumbling over to him and placing a withering hand on his shoulder.
‘Bliss Field’ he said, pointing to no where in particular. She suddenly became stern.
‘Lain, you have to get away from here. Take Elaina and go’ she said pushing him, gently but firmly towards the door. ‘Wait!’ she said running into her room. Lain followed bewildered. She was kneeling by the mattress of hay and straw that she slept on. She pulled out a long object that was covered in torn cloth.
‘Take this with you’ she said. He pulled the cloth away, letting it fall to the floor. It was a sword. The helm was encrusted with jades and it was twisted a twisted silver trunk.
‘Mum, come with me’ Laid said as he fixed a small strap to his belt.
‘Lain, I can’t, I’m at the end of my days. Better to die quickly that slow and painfully’ she said with a brave smile.
‘Very well’ he said, looking into the mahogany brown eyes that he knew he’d miss.
Very well? He should start arguing with her to come, that'd be more realistic. Not just "Oh, okay, sure. Bye."

After packing some clothes and food, Lain hoisted himself into the saddle of a gorgeous Appaloosa horse. He swung a small bag on is other side and attached it to the saddle. His mother stood there and looked up at him. He lent down and kissed her on the cheek.
The last paragraph I left as it is. Because I'd like to say that it's kind of quick and short. It's like, all hell breaks loose and he easily escapes it. There needs to be more here. Maybe he runs into some trouble while escaping?
‘Goodbye, my beautiful son’ said his mother. Lain tapped Elaina’s rips and they were off. The wind speed past him, along with the sound from hell. He galloped through the wood. The golden leaves flying into the air when they speed past. As they got to the top of the hill that was at the other end of Bliss Field, Lain looked back. Black smoke coiled into the inky blackness above the world. He turned around and kept going. He kept riding until Elaina slowed down. He dismounted and pulled the flap of the bag up and pulled out a chunk of bread and sat down on the soft grass and chewed. He lied back and looked up at the silvery stars above him. They twinkled above him. Why were those men there? Is Mum still alive? Should I go back? Those questions played over in this head like a broken record until he finally fell asleep. His dreams were poisoned by creeping shadows and whispers. The whispers it turned out weren’t in his dreams but in the real world. ‘How old do you think he is?’ the voices said. Lain’s eyelids slid up over this one blue and one green eye. There were two men. Fully-grown with shiny silver armor. They were looking though his bag. They jumped and he got smacked over the head with something from behind. The last thing he saw before he fell unconscious were a pair of steel toed boots…


Good story. But I'd like to point out that it may seem a LITTLE cliche. I've known stories where everything starts out all picturesque and happy and then all hell breaks loose.
But I could tell something different is about to happen at the very end with the two voices. Try to expand the beginning and make it flow more.

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						Last edited by ScottyMcGee; 01-17-2008 at 05:10 PM.
					
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Old 01-22-2008, 05:25 AM View Post #7 (Link)
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I'm BAAAAAACK!


Red= Negative
Green = Neutral
Blue = Positive

Ah, what the heck, you know about that already


Wasn’t the sky beautiful? (Ooh...try not to ask questions to the reader unless a) a character is thinking the thought, b) someone is asking it, or c) you're narrating in third person) Forget-me-not blue with the occasional glazing of gentle fluffy clouds (This is a fragment scentence, but the visualization of the images is great). The landscape was beautiful as well(Beautiful? How?). Lush lime-green grass with tulips and daffodils (Try not to use to many fragmented scentences for description). Lain had been lying there for hours, gazing at the endless sea of blue above him. A Red Admiral (A red admiral? Maybe you shoudl either describe it more here or write an after-novel appendix for it. I've read a lot of good fantasy novels with appendices) floated past, flapping it velvety red wings. What bliss? But he knew he couldn’t stay long. They sky was becoming inky and both the moons were becoming brighter and rounder (Great way of establishing the settings). He pushed himself to his feet just as a flock of blackbirds flew over head, flying away from a small wood (A small wood? This scentence needs more developing. Try using different synonyms like forest) from where Lain was now heading (People don't head FROM things if they're walking towards them. They head TOWARDS things...). The small wood had a little stream with ran through it and on the other side was a small village, where he’d lived for his fourteen years of life. Would his mother be worried about him? He only had a mother. He had never met his father, his mother had never liked to mention him (A little cliche, but it was common for men to be warrior and leave back then. Oh, and try conveying the mother's evasion towards the boy;s dad in a different way). He walked through the pine scented air and gently swaying trees. The thick braches of leaves cast cool shadows along the leaf (leaves) covered forest floor (excellent settings). He faced the sunlight, his brown hair sliding down his neck. As he got near ('As he neared the village' would have been better) the village, the first noise he heard, hit him like a bolt of lightning (This seems a little too uninteresting. Try making it a complete surprise for us, Maybe if you build the suspense up before the big plot twist as well this the shock would be more effective?). Women screaming, men shouting and children (children what? children doing what?). He ran to the edge to the wood. The sight that met his eyes, made his heart skip a beat (cliche). Chaos (not cliche but would have been goot on a separate line to increase emphasis). The buildings glowed with the fire (Ah, see: you could have used this before to foreshadow that something wrong was going on. Maybe lain saw the light flickering through the trees and that gave him a bad feeling about things. And if there had been a fire, why wan't there any smoke?) that was eating away at the wood. People were running away from men. Men (repetitive. You also didn't need to begin this on a different scentence) with disfigured faces and were dressed in black armor. Their hair was ghostly white; they were cutting through the skin of prisoners. Why were they here? Lain ran around the village, and then ran between two houses that were ablaze. The warm air passed over his face. He jumped through a window at the back of his house. The small pitiful excuse for a house(repetitive word; trying using relevant synonyms) consisted of two rooms. The kitchen and Lain’s bed in one and his mother’s bedroom which was lead by a door from the main room. It was just as it was when he’d left that morning. He could hear a gentle sob and this mother appeared. She looked ragged. Her hair made her look like she’d aged 20 (Again, great descriptions. You're also starting to get us involved emotionally with the characters now. That's good.) years in the way it was thin and blown about. She had a handkerchief to her mouth.
‘Lain sweetheart, where in Heaven have you been?’ she said(I'd think she'd be screaming by now) stumbling over to him and placing a withering hand on his shoulder.
‘Bliss Field’ he said, pointing to no where in particular. She suddenly became stern. (Also, try separating your dialogue with lines)
‘Lain, you have to get away from here. Take Elaina and go’ she said pushing him, gently but firmly towards the door. ‘Wait!’ she said running into her room. Lain followed bewildered. She was kneeling by the mattress of hay and straw that she slept on. She pulled out a long object that was covered in torn cloth.
‘Take this with you’ she said. He pulled the cloth away, letting it fall to the floor. It was a sword. The helm was encrusted with jades and it was twisted a twisted silver trunk.
‘Mum, come with me’ Laid said as he fixed a small strap to his belt.
‘Lain, I can’t, I’m at the end of my days (Not coming because she was injured and could slow her children down would have been a better reason. I mean, that was a rather weak excuse). Better to die quickly that slow and painfully’ she said with a brave smile.
‘Very well’ (I'd think he'd protest a little....) he said, looking into the mahogany brown eyes that he knew he’d miss. (You left off at a rather good place)

After packing some clothes and food (he had the time? I mean, wouldn't he just bolt out? Or maybe you meant to day that he hurried up while doing it?), Lain hoisted himself into the saddle of a gorgeous Appaloosa horse. He swung a small bag on is other side and attached it to the saddle. His mother stood there and looked up at him. He lent down and kissed her on the cheek.
‘Goodbye, my beautiful son’ said his mother. Lain tapped Elaina’s rips and they were off. The wind speed past him, along with the sound from hell. He galloped through the wood. The golden leaves flying into the air when they speed past. As they got to the top of the hill that was at the other end of Bliss Field, Lain looked back. Black smoke(about time ) coiled into the inky blackness above the world. He turned around and kept going. He kept riding until Elaina slowed down. He dismounted and pulled the flap of the bag up and pulled out a chunk of bread and sat down on the soft grass and chewed. He lied back and looked up at the silvery stars above him (I love the setting). They twinkled above him. Why were those men there? Is Mum still alive? Should I go back? Those questions played over in this head like a broken record (you mean recorder? And did they have those back then?) until he finally fell asleep. His dreams were poisoned by creeping shadows and whispers. The whispers it turned out weren’t in his dreams but in the real world. ‘How old do you think he is?’ the voices said. Lain’s eyelids slid up over this one blue and one green eye. There were two men. Fully-grown with shiny silver armor. They were looking though his bag. They jumped and he got smacked over the head with something from behind (again, the shock factor wasn't that...well...shocking. Try building up the suspense, or try setting up the reader, thinking everything is going fine, and then wham. Hit us with the action). The last thing he saw before he fell unconscious were a pair of steel toed boots…


AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've writen a whole story after this but thought that I'd just put the first chapter online to see what people thought of it

Well...you had some strong points for setting, but that was pretty much it. The dialogue and shock-factor needed a little work, as well as a little revising. But, on a whole, I see quite a bit of potential for this novel.

I always encourage people to set up a little blurb somewhere to give the reader an idea of what to expect (see Wolfgang for an example for a novel blurb)

But, yeah, I think you should keep going with this one.

Overall Verdict: Okay.
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Old 01-23-2008, 02:44 PM View Post #8 (Link)
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Alright well here we go

I use:
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Green: positive comments

Originally Posted by JackAttack. View Post
Wasn’t the sky beautiful [I don't know why you would ask a question, it just doesn't work great when a character isn't thinking it.]? Forget-me-not blue with the occasional glazing of gentle fluffy clouds [Nice imagery,but it's not a full sentence]. The landscape was beautiful[beautiful in what way? Don't tell the reader it's beautiful, show it] , as well. Lush lime-green grass with tulips and daffodils [Another incomplete sentence, don't worry I used to do the same thing when it came to description, but remember to fix these]. Lain had been lying there for hours, gazing at the endless sea of blue above him. A Red Admiral floated past, flapping its velvety red wings. What bliss?[is it the character that's thinking "what bliss?" if so you should make it clear with italics or a tag. Just don't ask the reader questions, because it makes it wierd] But [I don't recommend starting a sentence with "but", there way more beautiful words out there that mean the same thing.] he knew he couldn’t stay long. They sky was becoming inky and both the moons were becoming brighter and rounder [Good descriptions!] . He pushed himself to his feet just as a flock of blackbirds flew over head, flying away from a small wood [small wood? A little incomplete, you should elaborate more] from where Lain was now heading. The small wood [again no need to repeat the exact same thing, use something else to describe the wood, "small" is too common.] had a little stream with ran through it and on the other side was a small village, where he’d lived for his fourteen years of life. Would his mother be worried about him? He only had a mother. He had never met his father, his mother had never liked to mention him [not practically interesting...]. He walked through the pine scented air and gently swaying trees. The thick braches of leaves cast cool shadows along the leaf covered forest floor. He faced the sunlight, his brown hair sliding down his neck [you need to crank up the excitement, too many common sentences here.. As he got near the village, the first noise he heard,<==[I don't see a need for a comma there.] hit him like a bolt of lightning [Ah, finally.]. Women screaming, men shouting and children [children what? You said what the women were doing, what the men were doing, why is children blank? Also, again this sentence is incomplete, try something more structured like: He could hear women screaming, men shouting and children ____. . He ran to the edge [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] of the wood. The sight that met his eyes, made his heart skip a beat. Chaos [Ooh, I love how there's only one word in the sentence, it has a nice effect.. The buildings' glowed with the fire that was eating away at the wood [describe the fire, this lacks imagery, tell the reader if the flames are fast and small, or tall and gradually growing, if they glow red on the background of the night or if etc. You get the point, right?] . People were running away from men. Men with disfigured faces [STRIKE]and [/STRIKE] who were dressed in black armor. Their hair was ghostly white; they were cutting through the skin of prisoners [This story is moving too fast, now that you've reached the excitement, you need to linger here a bit, describing the horror of what the men are doing, the emotion Lain feels, etc.] . Why were they here?<--[don't ask this question, you should write enough to make the reader ask it themeselves, don't force the question upon a reader. Lain ran around the village, and then ran between two houses that were ablaze. The warm air passed over his face. He jumped through a window at the back of his house. The small pitiful excuse for a house consisted of two rooms. The kitchen and Lain’s bed in one and his mother’s bedroom which was lead by a door from the main room. It was just as it was when he’d left that morning. He could hear a gentle sob and this was mother it appeared. She looked ragged. Her hair made her look like she’d aged 20 years in the way it was thin and blown about. She had a handkerchief to her mouth. [Describe how the mom is more, I'm can't really picture her with the little information you've give...]
‘Lain sweetheart, where in Heaven have you been?’ she said stumbling over to him and placing a withering hand on his shoulder.
‘Bliss Field’ he said, pointing to no where in particular. She suddenly became stern.
‘Lain, you have to get away from here. Take Elaina and go [cliche line..]’ she said pushing him, gently but firmly towards the door. ‘Wait!’ she said running into her room. Lain followed bewildered. She was kneeling by the mattress of hay and straw that she slept on. She pulled out a long object that was covered in torn cloth.
‘Take this with you’ she said. He pulled the cloth away, letting it fall to the floor. It was a sword. The helm was encrusted with jades and it was twisted, a twisted silver trunk.
‘Mum, come with me’ Laid said as he fixed a small strap to his belt.
‘Lain, I can’t, I’m at the end of my days. Better to die quickly that slow and painfully’ she said with a brave smile.
‘Very well’ he said, looking into the mahogany brown eyes that he knew he’d miss. [Woah! Waaay unrealistic, hold up! He's going to leave his mother to die? I'm getting the idea that Lain's is a very flat character, doesn't he feel anything other than he'll miss her?!]

After packing some clothes and food, Lain hoisted himself into the saddle of a gorgeous Appaloosa horse. He swung a small bag on is other side and attached it to the saddle. His mother stood there and looked up at him. He lent down and kissed her on the cheek.
‘Goodbye, my beautiful son’ said his mother. Lain tapped Elaina’s rips and they were off. The wind speed [sped] past him, along with the sound from hell. He galloped through the wood. The golden leaves flying into the air when they speed past. As they got to the top of the hill that was at the other end of Bliss Field, Lain looked back. Black smoke coiled into the inky blackness above the world. He turned around and kept going. He kept riding until Elaina slowed down. He dismounted and pulled the flap of the bag up and pulled out a chunk of bread and sat down on the soft grass and chewed. He lied back and looked up at the silvery stars above him. They twinkled above him. Why were those men there? Is Mum still alive? Should I go back? Those questions played over in this head like a broken record until he finally fell asleep. [start a new pargraph here:]His dreams were poisoned by creeping shadows and whispers. The whispers it turned out weren’t in his dreams but in the real world. ‘How old do you think he is?’ the voices said. Lain’s eyelids slid up over this one blue and one green eye. There were two men. Fully-grown with shiny silver armor. They were looking through his bag. They jumped and he got smacked over the head with something from behind. The last thing he saw before he fell unconscious were a pair of steel toed boots…


AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've writen a whole story after this but thought that I'd just put the first chapter online to see what people thought of it
I like how you ended the chapter! I have to say, this is undeveloped, but there's always room for improvement. Lain is starting out as a flat character, you need to show his emotions, don't let him be flat. Good job so far
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Originally Posted by Diocletian View Post
What I don't like about this site is that there isn't enough social drama.
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