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Old 12-10-2015, 03:12 AM View Post #1 (Link) Her Angel workinprogress
Missusjwz (Offline)
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This is a small novel about how a little boy is living with his mom, who is a suicide survivor, and the father was lost in Iraq, and the boy is the only thing keeping the mom going.

Her Angel

"My mommy is sick" I told the man on the phone, "she is lying on the floor shaking, and there is something in her hand."
" What's in her hand?" The man asked,
"My mommy's pills."
"Oh god, uh hey buddy, can you go open the front door for me? I'm sending some people who can help your mommy. Ok?"
"Ok." Then I put down the phone, and that was the last thing I did before the big truck came and took my mommy away. Then my nice neighbor, Mrs Jenkins, came and took me to the hospital where the doctors worked hard to make my mommy well again.
I waited a long time before a doctor came to see me to take me in to the room my mom was in. When I got there I sat on her bed and asked her,
"Did you see daddy mommy?" My mommy said that daddy is in this special place, and sometimes, people go to this special place to see the people they missed. My mommy misses Daddy so much that she tries to go see Daddy a lot, but she never finds him
  
						Last edited by Missusjwz; 12-10-2015 at 03:14 AM.
					
					 Reason: Extra work
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Old 12-10-2015, 10:27 AM View Post #2 (Link)
sofiathewriter (Offline)
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"My mommy is sick," I told the man on the phone. "She is lying on the floor shaking, and there is something in her hand."
Even though he's most likely calling 911, you should tell us exactly who the boy is calling.
"What's in her hand?" the man asked.
"My mommy's pills." Don't use "my mommy's" again; try "her" instead. And by the way, I like this young, innocent narration.
"Oh God. Uh hey buddy, can you go open the front door for me? I'm sending some people who can help your mommy. Okay?"
"Ok." Then I put down the phone, and that was the last thing I did before the big truck came and took my mommy away. I'd think the little boy should know what an ambulance is. Then my nice neighbor, Mrs. Jenkins, came and took me to the hospital where the doctors worked hard to make my mommy well again.
I waited a long time before a doctor came to see me to take me in to the room my mom was in. Maybe it was intentional, but here you switched from "mommy" to "mom".When I got there I sat on her bed and asked her, "Did you see daddy mommy?" Always put dialogue tags and the dialogue that goes with the tags on the same line. My mommy said that daddy is in this special place, and sometimes, people go to this special place to see the people they missed. Heaven, I'm supposing, but again, this boy isn't na´ve enough to be unaware of what heaven is. My mommy misses Daddy so much that she tries to go see Daddy a lot, but she never finds him. I really like this last sentence and how you kind of sugarcoat her suicide attempts. It's how a young boy would picture it, which is I guess what you're aiming for.

That was a very deep story. There were some parts where the young narration was amazing, like at the end where you're hinting at the mom committing suicide. But there were other parts where it was too much. His mom should have told him once what heaven and ambulances are.
How old is the boy? If you have relatives around his age, ask them if they know what heaven and other things are. Use this new knowledge when continuing this, which leads me to my next piece of advice:
Keep on writing! I'd love to see more of this.
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