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Old 01-19-2015, 10:25 PM View Post #1 (Link) Black Rose Intro.
Taylor_Xoxo13 (Offline)
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Violet. The name says it all. After the horrific car accident Violet loses her memory. She loses her mom.Kate. The only people she remembers is her two best friends Sage Kyle and Lavender Lynxx.She will never regain her memory until something peculiar happens. She runs into Carter her long lost boy best friend. Violet feels drawn to Carter for some reason but can't figure out why. Everytime she's around him she has flash backs from before. Very overwhelming. Then something happens she never expected.The thing she thought she lost but ended up getting back. Can you figure out? Will she ever regain her memory? What happens to her at the end? Guess you'll just have to read and find out.
  
						Last edited by Taylor_Xoxo13; 01-20-2015 at 09:47 PM.
Old 01-19-2015, 10:57 PM View Post #2 (Link)
GeonamicWarrior (Offline)
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Hello and be warned that critiques, such as mine, may deter you, but that isn't my intent. They are merely a helping hand to encourage you on your writing.

Originally Posted by Taylor_Xoxo13 View Post
Violet. The name says it all. After the horrific car accident, Violet loses her memory. As the hooking intro sentences, it's good that you've got a character name, its gender, and present tense confirmed as your chosen tense. However, the name doesn't give any importance to the reader as the second sentence makes it sound like it should. Not only that, but the third sentence already shows the same name, so the first sentence of just her name probably wouldn't be necessary for a reader this early on. Drop the emoticons, especially since they have no meaning for this story. You don't see them in any average book you read, right? She loses her mom, Kate. The only people she remembers is her two best friends Sage Kyle and Lavender Lynxx.She will never regain her memory until something peculiar happens. By this, I assume this is a fantasy genre and the point of view is omniscient since no one would know that right off the bat besides the author's narration. She runs into Carter, her long lost boy best friend. This sounds awkward to have 'boy' right before 'best friend'. You could easily have told his gender and age through a more fluid manner. Violet feels drawn to Carter for some reason but can't figure out why. Everytime she's around him she has flash backs flashbacks from before. Flashbacks of what? Readers need to be invested into a story before ambiguous ideas are thrown at them. They are very Very overwhelming. Then something happens she never expected. Don't use 'then' to state an event happening because it'll sound like the cliche of 'then this happened, and then this happened' so on and so on. Also, there's more unneeded ambiguity here for the reader who likely isn't intrigued yet. The thing she thought she had lost but ended ends up getting back. *cough!* More ambiguity! *cough!* Can you figure out? Okay, now it's switched to second-person point of view since you directed to the reader. Stick with your third-person omniscient perspective. Will she ever regain her memory? What happens to her at the end? The narration doesn't ask this exactly. We, the readers, have to make this question based on the context of the book we're reading. Guess you'll just have to read and find out.
Alright, first of all, the beginning didn't pull me in since every bit was told. It wasn't shown to the reader that Violet got in a car crash, we didn't see her reactions of losing her memory, nor did we have a vivid visual for any part of this sample of your intro. To me, this sounded more like the book's summary or something a person would say to another person, trying to get their attention of a book through choppy sentences. After you've done a considerable amount of editing this, I'd be willing to read more, but if this was the beginning of an actual book, I'd probably set the book down for the above reasons I listed. Good luck and no hard feelings since this is all just to help each other!
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Old 01-20-2015, 09:48 PM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Taylor_Xoxo13 (Offline)
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Originally Posted by GeonamicWarrior View Post
Hello and be warned that critiques, such as mine, may deter you, but that isn't my intent. They are merely a helping hand to encourage you on your writing.



Alright, first of all, the beginning didn't pull me in since every bit was told. It wasn't shown to the reader that Violet got in a car crash, we didn't see her reactions of losing her memory, nor did we have a vivid visual for any part of this sample of your intro. To me, this sounded more like the book's summary or something a person would say to another person, trying to get their attention of a book through choppy sentences. After you've done a considerable amount of editing this, I'd be willing to read more, but if this was the beginning of an actual book, I'd probably set the book down for the above reasons I listed. Good luck and no hard feelings since this is all just to help each other!
You make some really good points okay not really good points but very good points. Can you tell me how to make it more interesting?
 
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