Forum
Community Forum
Today's Posts
FAQ & Rules
Members List

Writing
Writing Forum
Recent Posts
Critique Guidelines

Groups
YWO Social Groups
Facebook
Myspace

Chat
 
YWA

Register

Store
Support YWO
YWO Merchandise
The Book Despository
Amazon.com (US)
Amazon.co.uk (UK)
Amazon.ca (Canada)

SBS Mag


Reply  Find Chapters
 
Thread Tools
Old 08-18-2014, 09:51 PM View Post #1 (Link) A Nerd Girl's Life Chapter 1
Sarahd_432 (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Usa
Posts: 19
Points: 9.92
Times Thanked: 1
"Beatrice come on, no books on the table," Darlene grumbled.

I sighed, setting down my copy of Pride and Prejudice. It was maybe the fifth time I've read it, but it never failed to have my undivided attention. Darlene was my foster parent and was currently making breakfast for the rest of the kids while I finished eating mine. I made my own breakfast and woke up at least an hour earlier than the rest of the people here. I was wearing my Pokèmon t-shirt and loose jeans. My thick brown hair was carelessly pulled back into a ponytail, and my pale face didn't have any makeup. As you can see, I don't care much for my looks. It's what's on the inside that counts. And when it came to me, my brain was my best feature, and not to brag, but I kept a well GPA of a 4.56.

As the rest of my foster family started pouring downstairs in their pajamas, I was already finished with my breakfast and was ready for school. I saw one of the girls my age, a junior, plop down and starting to stuff her face with doughnuts. I flinched with disgust.

"Do you know what you're doing to your body!? Breakfast needs to be full of protein and fiber to help you with your day. Not.... Not.... Junk food!" I exclaimed. I couldn't help myself. It was my job to help and advise the less fortunate.

The girl or aka Emily glared at me. "Shutup nerd! I can eat what I want!" She shouted. Geez, who put a fuze in her tampon? A girl offers perfect advice only to get her head ripped off. Emily was on the pudgy side, but apparently she couldn't see it. Seriously, though, she really needed to stop wearing those tight shirts. They only revealed every freaking shabam! I rolled my eyes and got up.

Walking out the door, I checked my watch. It read about seven o'clock. Perfect. I had about an hour to kill before school started. I walked idly to the library, deciding to check out the book that we going to be assigned in honors English, so I could get a good copy before everyone else. Walking down the sidewalk and reaching the library, I realized ,to my great releif, that no one was there.

I walked right to the spot where The Lord of the Flies was located. I've read it before, it was okay. Flipping through it, I headed toward the librarian's desk. Right before I could do so, I smacked into a body. Landing flat on my bum, I looked to see none other than Katie Green. She had an apologetic smile on her pink lips and her soft brown hair fell down her back in waves. Her makeup was done perfectly, and she was in non-slutty designer clothes. Katie was by far the most popular girl in school.

"Beatrice! I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" I saw the true concern in her eyes as she reached down to help me up. I profusely ignored her and got myself up before picking up my book. There was no way in the world that I was in need of help from anyone, especially Katie Green. Katie just furrowed her eyebrows, and then shrugged.

There was one catch about Katie. She wasn't like most of the popular girls. She was sweet and nice to everyone, she was no where near a slut, and was smart(not as smart as me) and athletic too. She was popular because she was perfect. She was competition and there was no way I was proving to her she was better than me.

"Bea! Are you headed for Honors English?" She asked perkily.

"Yes, and my name is Beatrice," I grumbled. She only chuckled at my remark. Dang, why was this girl always happy? I wouldn't be surprised if her parents fed her unicorns or something for breakfast.

"Perfect, Beatrice," she said winking,"I'm in that class too. we can walk together!"

I groaned knowing there was no way to shake this girl off. We walked out of the library as she idly talked about who knows what. Everyone stared at us. It must have been a sight seeing Katie Green walking with me. We were practically opposites. The thing about me is that I'm not invisible like most nerds. Everyone knows my name, and I'm the one to blame. It's hard to forget someone like me.

As we entered the building heading for Room 4A, I saw the Prissy Pack huddled by the lockers snickering. Now these were the popular group of girls which basically were Mean Girls in real life. They weren't as popular as Katie and basically copied her every move. They snickered at me, and I just shot them a death glare powerful enough to be one of Luke's lifesabers. They always tried to put me down or hurt me, but it never worked because nothing they said EVER got to me. I would just laugh at them and throw an insult back.

Finally entering the class room, I couldn't express the relief I felt. I skipped to my desk in the center if the room. Sadly, teachers don't let me sit in the front anymore. Something about hogging all their attention and what not. Usually my hand was the first to go up, if I didn't blurt the answer out before. Everyone was getting situated before Ms. Cliff aka the Stiff Cliff got everyone's attention. I swear she had wrinkles upon wrinkles as she stood in a stiff posture.

"Okay class! As you know, we will be starting reading The Lord of the Flies. Has anyone read this book?" she barely finished her sentence before my hand shot up. She glared at me. "Anyone else?" I smiled smugly as I swore I could hear crickets chirping.

With that, she began groping on about stuff I already knew. I was about to begin reading ahead, when some dipwad behind me kept kicking my seat. I turned around to face, sure enough, one of the Tweedles. The Tweedles are the group of egotistical jocks in this school. They were as dumb as rocks hence their names as Tweedle Dumb, Tweedle Dumber, Tweedle Dumbest, and of course Tweedle Ohmygodkillmenowthisthinghasnobrain.

"Do you need some room!?" I whisper yelled at Tweedle Dumbest behind me. He gave me his classic smirk as his green eyes lit up. I have to admit, the Tweedles aren't bad in the looks department but were known to be heartbreakers. Also, I only liked men with a GPA of 3.9 or higher.

I death glared at him, but was interrupted at the screeching of the Stiff Cliff.

"Okay class so you will be partnering up!" she squawked and rambled on different pairs before I heard my name. "Beatrice Baxter and.... Katie Green," she finished up. Oh God. Speak of the devil. How could I be paired up with my biggest competition?

Well this was going to be just GREAT!
  Reply With Quote
Old 08-19-2014, 06:17 AM View Post #2 (Link)
Dalibor (Offline)
Idea Scribe
 
Dalibor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 77
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 29
Originally Posted by Sarahd_432 View Post
"Beatrice come on, no books on the table," Darlene grumbled.

I sighed, setting down my copy of Pride and Prejudice. Hmmm, okay. Good enough.It was maybe the fifth time I've read it, but it never failed to have my undivided attention. Do you really need the word undivided here?Darlene was my foster parent and was currently making breakfast for the rest of the kids while I finished eating mine. I made my own breakfast and woke up at least an hour earlier than the rest of the people here. Hmm. I mean, good for you, Beatrice. Good for you. I was wearing my Pokèmon t-shirt and loose jeans. My thick brown hair was carelessly pulled back into a ponytail, and my pale face didn't have any makeup. As you can see, I don't care much for my looks. Well, yes- I can see that. She doesn't have to tell me.It's what's on the inside that counts. I agree. Please don't include this.And when it came to me, my brain was my best feature, and not to brag, but I kept a well GPA of a 4.56.

Hmm. So, this is promising. Something about breakfast gives a waking-up feeling that goes nicely with a first chapter. I'm not too sure about Beatrice, but I like your writing. Just don't lead her down the path of a Mary Sue or a nerdy Mary Sue or whatever.

As the rest of my foster family started pouring downstairs in their pajamas, I was already finished with my breakfast and was ready for school. I saw one of the girls my age, a junior, plop down and starting to stuff her face with doughnuts. I flinched with disgust. I mean, to add to the blooming mosh pit of criticism, she's not exactly Mr. Christ, either.

"Do you know what you're doing to your body!? This sounds a bit cliché.Breakfast needs to be full of protein and fiber to help you with your day. Not.... Not.... Junk food!" I exclaimed. I couldn't help myself. It was my job to help and advise the less fortunate.Her job? Is that meant to be funny?? And why the hell couldn't she help herself?

The girl or aka Emily glared at me. "Shutup nerd! I can eat what I want!" She shouted. Geez, who put a fuze in her tampon? Beatrice.A girl offers perfect advice only to get her head ripped off. Emily was on the pudgy side, but apparently she couldn't see it. Seriously, though, she really needed to stop wearing those tight shirts. They only revealed every freaking shabam! I rolled my eyes and got up.

Walking out the door, I checked my watch. It read about seven o'clock. Perfect. I had about an hour to kill before school started. I walked idly to the library, deciding to check out the book that we going to be assigned in honors English, so I could get a good copy before everyone else. Walking down the sidewalk and reaching the library, I realized ,to my great releif, that no one was there.

I walked right to the spot where The Lord of the Flies was located. I've read it before, it was okay. Flipping through it, I headed toward the librarian's desk. Right before I could do so, I smacked into a body. Landing flat on my bum, I looked to see none other than Katie Green. She had an apologetic smile on her pink lips and her soft brown hair fell down her back in waves. Her makeup was done perfectly, and she was in non-slutty designer clothes. Katie was by far the most popular girl in school.

"Beatrice! I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" I saw the true concern in her eyes as she reached down to help me up. I profusely ignored her and got myself up before picking up my book. There was no way in the world that I was in need of help from anyone, especially Katie Green. Katie just furrowed her eyebrows, and then shrugged.

There was one catch about Katie. She wasn't like most of the popular girls. She was sweet and nice to everyone, she was no where near a slut, and was smart(not as smart as me) and athletic too. She was popular because she was perfect. She was competition and there was no way I was proving to her she was better than me.

"Bea! Are you headed for Honors English?" She asked perkily.

"Yes, and my name is Beatrice," I grumbled. She only chuckled at my remark. Dang, why was this girl always happy? And Beatrice could sure as hell learn from her I wouldn't be surprised if her parents fed her unicorns or something for breakfast.Haha, good writing.

I mean, you are a pretty good writer. I hate Beatrice, but you are a good writer. Is this deliberate?


"Perfect, Beatrice," she said winking,"I'm in that class too. we can walk together!"

I groaned knowing there was no way to shake this girl off. We walked out of the library as she idly talked about who knows what. Everyone stared at us. It must have been a sight seeing Katie Green walking with me. We were practically opposites. The thing about me is that I'm not invisible like most nerds. Everyone knows my name, and I'm the one to blame. It's hard to forget someone like me.

As we entered the building heading for Room 4A, I saw the Prissy Pack huddled by the lockers snickering. Now these were the popular group of girls which basically were Mean Girls in real life. They weren't as popular as Katie and basically copied her every move. They snickered at me, and I just shot them a death glare powerful enough to be one of Luke's lifesabers. They always tried to put me down or hurt me, but it never worked because nothing they said EVER Okay, yes, I understand.got to me. I would just laugh at them and throw an insult back.

Finally entering the class room, I couldn't express the relief I felt. I skipped to my desk in the center if the room. Sadly, teachers don't let me sit in the front anymore. Something about hogging all their attention and what not. Usually my hand was the first to go up, if I didn't blurt the answer out before. Everyone was getting situated before Ms. Cliff aka the Stiff Cliff got everyone's attention. I swear she had wrinkles upon wrinkles as she stood in a stiff posture.

"Okay class! As you know, we will be starting reading The Lord of the Flies. Has anyone read this book?" she barely finished her sentence before my hand shot up. She glared at me. "Anyone else?" I smiled smugly as I swore I could hear crickets chirping.

Is Beatrice a combination of Sponge Bob and Squidward and Susie Green from Curb Your Enthusiasm?

With that, she began groping on about stuff I already knew. I was about to begin reading ahead, when some dipwad behind me kept kicking my seat. I turned around to face, sure enough, one of the Tweedles. The Tweedles are the group of egotistical jocks in this school. They were as dumb as rocks hence their names as Tweedle Dumb, Tweedle Dumber, Tweedle Dumbest, and of course Tweedle Ohmygodkillmenowthisthinghasnobrain.

Okay.

I guess there is something enjoyable about this story so far, but, please, let's see some bigger conflict.


"Do you need some room!?" I whisper yelled at Tweedle Dumbest behind me. He gave me his classic smirk as his green eyes lit up. I have to admit, the Tweedles aren't bad in the looks department but were known to be heartbreakers. Also, I only liked men with a GPA of 3.9 or higher.3.9 or higher? Honestly, I don't give a shit. And is GPA really so essential? They could be taking easy classes (Honors English at my school is the lowest level of English.)

I death glared at him, but was interrupted at the screeching of the Stiff Cliff.

"Okay class so you will be partnering up!" she squawked and rambled on different pairs before I heard my name. "Beatrice Baxter and.... Katie Green," she finished up. Oh God. Speak of the devil. How could I be paired up with my biggest competition?

Well this was going to be just GREAT!

But Katie seems like the only decent person in the story, so if I'm really supposed to sympathize with Beatrice as though there's anything disappointing about that...I mean, in other words, who would she like to be paired up with? Anyone?
So,
you need to calm Beatrice down.
you're a good writer
you don't need Beatrice to be like this.


Pride and Prejudice, simple clothes and ponytail, early bird. Those are likeable things. For example.

You don't have to make her perfect, or make her like Katie (because that wouldn't be very interesting), but right now I simply don't like her enough to want her story.



Do you want to make her a funny, sarcastic narrator? You can, easily. You have the talent. Your narrator can be polished to make that happen. I can easily see your writing style as something very appealing, very amusing, and very witty; I want you to stay within the ballpark of this style, just in a manner that creates a more likeable main character.

If you do that, you'll have a very good foundation. I do see where you might go with this. I think you could help your style by checking out the novel Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh. It's a kids' book, and it's been about ten years since I read it, but I remember enjoying the narration.


Good luck.
  
						Last edited by Dalibor; 08-19-2014 at 06:55 AM.
					
					Reply With Quote
Old 08-24-2014, 12:14 AM View Post #3 (Link) This post is a reply - don't critique it
Sarahd_432 (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Usa
Posts: 19
Points: 9.92
Times Thanked: 1
I can definitely see how you hate beatrice, I mean most people would, but what i have planned in this story is character development. I already have 19 chapters of this on wattpad and Beatrice definitely becomes different in personality. you dont know this right now, but as the plot plays out, you realize Beatrice is only like that because of her insecurities and need to protect herself from getting hurt. This chapter definitely sucks, but just wait as this story progresses. thank you for the critique
  Reply With Quote
Old 08-24-2014, 12:26 AM View Post #4 (Link) This post contains more of my work
Sarahd_432 (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Usa
Posts: 19
Points: 9.92
Times Thanked: 1
After English, the day went by quickly. I was eager to finally get to lunch because I swear my stomach was growling louder than a T-Rex! I walked through the cafeteria, shoving anyone who already didn't clear the way at the sight of me. I made my way, striding confidently to my table near the back of the room. I picked this spot for a reason, and that was because it was far away from the populars and everyone else.

As I came to the table, I saw my two best friends already seated, saving me a spot. I took a seat by Mo, who was currently devouring her chicken nuggets. She was the kind of girl that no one would ever mess with. Someone I would consider a tomboy with a bad ass essence. Her dirty blonde hair was pulled back into a messy bun with strands of it falling across her face.

"Geez, Mo, hungry much?" Aaron asked, completely disgusted. Mo just stuck her tongue out, flashing her chewed food.

Aaron cringed, soon turning his attention back to the script in his hands. Aaron was apart of drama club and was auditioning for a main role in the play. He had messy chocolate colored hair that brushed his ear lobes and ocean blue eyes. He has been my best friend since elementary school. People always say we should get together, but there's a teensy detail they don't get. Aaron's gay. We support him and all, but of course it's funny when he has a crush on the same celebrities I do.

Picking at the pizza in front of me, I gazed toward the Popular table. The Tweedles were having a food fight, and the Prissy Pack was either gossiping, or jutting their chests out trying to impress the guys. Katie, of course, was talking with everyone at the table being social as she was. She caught me staring and waved enthusiastically. I rolled my eyes and looked away. This reminded me that I was assigned to her agian... Hooray!

I was distracted by my thoughts when Mo tugged harshly on my arm.

"Come on! We are going to be late for class!" she shouted as she pulled me to Science.

Later on

Laying in bed, I finished up my Advanced Algebra homework while listening to my favorite band: My Chemical Romance. I listened mostly to Alternative and Indie Rock, bands that actually had good music instead of the trash called pop. I shared a room with another girl from the foster home, but she really wanted nothing to do with me and was hardly here anyways.

After awhile, I started to get hungry (big surprise there) and headed down stairs to end my famine. Darlene was in her office with a patient. (She was a psychiatrist which was bad for me. She always thought I had problems.) I started to make a PB&J humming the song Peanut Butter Jelly Time. Soon the small humming turned into in all out performance when the phone rang.

Groaning, I ambled over to the house phone. This had better be good for interrupting my amazing dance number. I picked up the phone.

"Hello?" I asked unenthusiastically.

"Hey, Beatrice! It's Katie! I'm calling about the project. I'm thinking you should come over this weekend so we could discuss it," a bubbly voice said into the phone. I groaned inwardly, and tried to come up with some excuse.

"Um... thanks for the offer but... ah I don't think that would work," I mumbled hoping she could take a hint.

"Oh, well, I could always go to your house," she answered. I bit my lip, there was no way to tell this girl no! And I quickly came to decision it was best if she didn't come here. The last thing I needed was for everyone to know that I had no parents.

"Uh... actually your place would work out fine I suppose..." I trailed off but before I could finish she interrupted.

"Great! I will see you Saturday, Bea!" She shouted before hanging up. I banged my head on the wall. It was Beatrice, not Bea!"
  
						Last edited by Infinity_Man; 08-24-2014 at 02:13 AM.
					
					Reply With Quote
Old 05-31-2015, 12:57 PM View Post #5 (Link)
Rebecca Rose (Offline)
Literary Newbie
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Virginia, U.S.
Posts: 9
Points: 4.47
Times Thanked: 0
To start off, it's 'lightsaber,' not 'lifesaber.' You would think a self-described nerd would know that.

I like how self-confident Beatrice is. She also seems to have kind of an Asperger Syndrome-ish vibe to me. Her self-absorption (even arrogance) is amusing, but not overwhelming enough to make her an unlikable character.

I think you need to work on the physical descriptions of the characters and how they're inserted into the story. They seem very awkward and overly delibrate.

Keep writing!
  Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2015, 04:52 AM View Post #6 (Link)
runnerzero (Offline)
Novice Writer
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: California, US
Posts: 18
Points: 30
Times Thanked: 7
Originally Posted by Sarahd_432 View Post
"Beatrice come on, no books on the table," Darlene grumbled.

I sighed, setting down my copy of Pride and Prejudice. It was maybe the fifth time I've read it, but it never failed to have my undivided attention. Darlene was my foster parent and was currently making breakfast for the rest of the kids while I finished eating mine. Describe the scene. Rather than just tell the readers what's happening, try immersing them more into the story. What is she making? What does it smell like? I made my own breakfast and woke up at least an hour earlier than the rest of the people here. I was wearing my Pokèmon t-shirt and loose jeans. My thick brown hair was carelessly pulled back into a ponytail, and my pale face didn't have any makeup. Try to avoid the sudden dump of character description. Rather than telling us all at once what she's wearing/what she looks like, spread it out through the story. Saying it all at once will lose your reader's attention As you can see, I don't care much for my looks. It's what's on the inside that counts. And when it came to me, my brain was my best feature, and not to brag, but I kept a well GPA of a 4.56.

As the rest of my foster family started pouring downstairs in their pajamas, I was already finished with my breakfast and was ready for school. I saw one of the girls my age, a junior, plop down and starting to stuff her face with doughnuts. I flinched with disgust. It's her foster family. Unless this family is absolutely enormous, she would likely know their names. Most foster families won't be more than ten or fifteen, which really isn't much trouble to learn to know your own foster siblings' names

"Do you know what you're doing to your body!? Breakfast needs to be full of protein and fiber to help you with your day. Not.... Not.... Junk food!" I exclaimed. I couldn't help myself. It was my job to help and advise the less fortunate. Less fortunate? Wow, that's a little rude

The girl or aka Emily Okay, so now she has a name. Name her right away. Chances are they would have a close enough relationship to be on a first name basis, especially if they live together glared at me. "Shutup nerd! I can eat what I want!" She shouted. Again, they live together. Even if they're a little touchy with one another, and sometimes rude, they'd still have somewhat of a close relationship. Furthermore, 'nerd' isn't really that applicable of an insult. It doesn't even sound insulting anymore, and would be more likely heard ten years ago. If she really is going to insult your main character, find a more fluid and realistic way of doing so Geez, who put a fuze what is a fuze? Did you mean fuse? in her tampon? A girl offers perfect advice only to get her head ripped off. Emily was on the pudgy side, but apparently she couldn't see it. Seriously, though, she really needed to stop wearing those tight shirts. They only revealed every freaking shabam! I rolled my eyes and got up. Woah, that is some serious fat shaming. Seriously. I hope you do realize that your character is coming off as a complete brat right now. Nobody should think that about anyone, let alone her foster sister.

Walking out the door, I checked my watch. It read about seven o'clock. Perfect. I had about an hour to kill before school started. I walked idly to the library, deciding to check out the book that we going to be assigned in honors English, so I could get a good copy before everyone else. Walking down the sidewalk and reaching the library, I realized ,to my great releif, that no one was there.

I walked right to the spot where The Lord of the Flies was located. I've read it before, it was okay. Flipping through it, I headed toward the librarian's desk. Right before I could do so, I smacked into a body. Landing flat on my bum, I looked to see none other than Katie Green. She had an apologetic smile on her pink lips and her soft brown hair fell down her back in waves. Her makeup was done perfectly, and she was in non-slutty designer clothes. Non- slutty? Why is that a necessary thing to add? Are you implying that most designer clothing for girls is 'slutty'? That's pretty offensive. Honestly, I don't think any clothing that young girls wear can be described as 'slutty' at all. Having a lot of sex is not a shameful thing, and it is generally not something that middle/high school girls ever even engage in. So why are we mocking them for wearing short shorts or a low shirt? They can wear what they want, and comments like that are just unnecessary. Again, I hope you know this doesn't make me like your character any more. Katie was by far the most popular girl in school.

"Beatrice! I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" I saw the true concern in her eyes as she reached down to help me up. I profusely 'profusely' doesn't really make much sense in the situation. Maybe 'purposefully'? ignored her and got myself up before picking up my book. There was no way in the world that I was in need of help from anyone, especially Katie Green. Katie just furrowed her eyebrows, and then shrugged.

There was one catch about Katie. She wasn't like most of the popular girls. She was sweet and nice to everyone, she was no where near a slut again, totally unnecessary. Nobody at this school is a 'slut', no matter how many boys (or girls) they've gone out with or engaged with sexually, and was smart (not as smart as me) and athletic too. She was popular because she was perfect. She was competition and there was no way I was proving to her she was better than me.

"Bea! Are you headed for Honors English?" She asked perkily.

"Yes, and my name is Beatrice," I grumbled. She only chuckled at my remark. Dang, why was this girl always happy? I wouldn't be surprised if her parents fed her unicorns or something for breakfast. Good inner dialogue

"Perfect, Beatrice," she said winking,"I'm in that class too. we can walk together!" Is this the first day of school? Otherwise, she'd know that Beatrice was in her class already

I groaned knowing there was no way to shake this girl off. We walked out of the library as she idly talked about who knows what. Everyone stared at us. It must have been a sight seeing Katie Green walking with me. We were practically opposites. The thing about me is that I'm not invisible like most nerds. Everyone knows my name, and I'm the one to blame. It's hard to forget someone like me.

As we entered the building heading for Room 4A, I saw the Prissy Pack huddled by the lockers snickering. Now these were the popular group of girls which basically were Mean Girls in real life. They weren't as popular as Katie and basically copied her every move. They snickered at me, and I just shot them a death glare powerful enough to be one of Luke's lifesabers. They always tried to put me down or hurt me, but it never worked because nothing they said EVER got to me. I would just laugh at them and throw an insult back.
This is a really big and rather misogynistic trope that is commonly used in literature. Having a 'Mean Girls' type pack of teenage girls who are completely shallow and ditzy, doing nothing but following another girl around and insulting the one who is different, is really damaging to the entire representation of girls in modern media. Girls are not like this. It's okay to have bullies, even a pack of female bullies that mock your character, but you can't just lump them together into the 'Prissy Pack'. They're all complex individuals with their own motives. Nobody bullies just for the sake of bullying. Whether it's peer pressure, a genuine joy in being cruel, or problems at home, every single bully is just like us. By making them seem like idiotic, shallow creatures who do nothing but follow someone around and revolve completely around your character just creates flat characterization. So I'd just suggest making them seem a little less like a clique, and more like individual bullies. It's okay if they travel around in a pack, but you need to give them a reason to be bullying your character. She's not wearing anything out of the ordinary, and a lot of girls don't wear makeup, so what is it? Do they know she's in the foster system? Make sure you give your villains some motivation too

Finally entering the class room, I couldn't express the relief I felt. I skipped to my desk in the center if the room. Sadly, teachers don't let me sit in the front anymore. Something about hogging all their attention and what not. That's not allowed. Unless she did something explicitly wrong, the teacher wouldn't place the student anywhere specific. Furthermore, teachers generally enjoy the students that are very engaged in the lesson Usually my hand was the first to go up, if I didn't blurt the answer out before. Everyone was getting situated before Ms. Cliff aka the Stiff Cliff got everyone's attention. I swear she had wrinkles upon wrinkles as she stood in a stiff posture.

"Okay class! As you know, we will be starting reading The Lord of the Flies. Has anyone read this book?" she barely finished her sentence before my hand shot up. She glared at me. Again, teachers absolutely love engaged students. Someone who already did the reading would probably get extra attention, especially if the teacher gets the idea that they're really into the material. Worst case scenario, the teacher doesn't care. But she wouldn't be mad. "Anyone else?" I smiled smugly as I swore I could hear crickets chirping.

With that, she began groping on about stuff I already knew. I was about to begin reading ahead, when some dipwad behind me kept kicking my seat. I turned around to face, sure enough, one of the Tweedles. The Tweedles are the group of egotistical jocks in this school. They were as dumb as rocks hence their names as Tweedle Dumb, Tweedle Dumber, Tweedle Dumbest, and of course Tweedle Ohmygodkillmenowthisthinghasnobrain.
This is another example of grouping villains together into one. Not every villain is shallow, or an idiot. Most bullies are just like anyone else, perfectly intelligent and capable people. So far all of your villains are supposedly unintelligent or vain. This just buys into stereotypes and doesn't make for very interesting or unique antagonists.


"Do you need some room!?" I whisper yelled at Tweedle Dumbest behind me. He gave me his classic smirk as his green eyes lit up. I have to admit, the Tweedles aren't bad in the looks department but were known to be heartbreakers. Also, I only liked men with a GPA of 3.9 or higher.

I death glared at him, but was interrupted at the screeching of the Stiff Cliff.

"Okay class so you will be partnering up!" she squawked and rambled on different pairs before I heard my name. "Beatrice Baxter and.... Katie Green," she finished up. Oh God. Speak of the devil. How could I be paired up with my biggest competition?

Well this was going to be just GREAT!
Your story has a great start so far. In terms of individual voice, your character's definitely shines through. She has a good mix of sarcasm and I like the way she assigns nicknames to those she doesn't like.
Something I would suggest for Beatrice is to give her some flaws. The only flaw I've really seen in her characterization so far is that she closes herself off to Katie, but otherwise she seems too perfect. Her grades are amazing, she's so smart that she reads ahead, classmates and teachers hate her because she's so smart. I hate to say it, but she's almost too smart. Intelligence doesn't equal perfection. She can be a very very intelligent character, but that doesn't mean she always knows the answer to things or has always read ahead in everything. Have her make mistakes, or do stupid things. Don't put her on this pedestal, because that's not how real human beings act. No matter how smart, everyone is human, and everyone does dumb things every now and then.
Another tip for Beatrice is to make her more likable. I hate to say it, but I despised your character, especially at the beginning. I don't want to hate her, as her motives seem true, but the amount of judgement she shows to those around her, especially with the fat shaming and the slut shaming and calling everyone around her stupid, just made me think she was too pretentious to be likable. Most people are of average intelligence. And I'm sure many in her class are just as intelligent as she is. It's okay for your character to not be the smartest one in the room. And yet the majority of your characters, besides Beatrice and Katie, are depicted as shallow, idiotic 'prissy' girls or dumb 'jock' boys. Give every character in your story some sort of agency and character, don't just lump them in with the idiots. They're people too, and in order to make the story more realistic, you need to give them characterization just as complex as your main character. I understand from your earlier comments that she becomes more likable later, but this will not be enough for the readers. One chapter is enough for the reader to put the book down, and even if they continue, their dislike for Beatrice may already be too deeply rooted to ever really like the character. Don't get me wrong. She's allowed to be a little bit arrogant, and it's okay to make her character flaws be her pretentiousness or feelings of superiority, but you need to make sure you give her enough likable qualities too. Some less judgmental thoughts, especially about her own foster family, might help. Does she have friends? Or does she hate everybody? That's pretty unrealistic too, and only makes her seem less nice to be around. Your first chapter is the very first impression of your character, so make it a good one. Make sure she has an equal balance of bad and good traits.
Just think of Tony Stark, from the Marvel universe. He's a complete asshole. He's arrogant, snarky, acts superior, doesn't take things seriously. Yet everybody loves him. That proves that it's okay to have your character be arrogant or pretentious, but watch out with the judgmental attitude. That can immediately turn someone off of a character.
I've mostly addressed this issue earlier, but just be sure not to put all of your villains into one pile of 'idiots'. Give them names and give them characters, because they're human beings too. There has to be some motivation behind their bullying.
The only other issues were pretty small, and I addressed them in the body of the story. Overall, it was a good start, very well paced and with a unique voice. I hope you keep my advice in mind as you continue. Great job, and I hope to read more!


Also, I'd suggest putting your chapter 2 in a separate post. It'll get more attention that way.
  
						Last edited by runnerzero; 06-01-2015 at 05:06 AM.
					
					Reply With Quote
Reply
Thread Tools

 


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:09 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7 - Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
All writing Copyright © its author(s). All other material Copyright © 2007-2012 Young Writers Online unless otherwise specified.
Managed by Andrew Kukwa (Andy) and Shaun Duke (Shaun) from The World in the Satin Bag. Design by HTWoRKS.